Amazing Grace XXXVIII: An Angel In Heaven

I knew when I left my house this morning to go to the hospital and visit Grace that this would be our last visit together.  I thought about this all night long as I listened to the combination of music we had loaded on 'our' IPOD.  I knew this on earth friendship was coming to and end from the very beginning.  I also knew that this friendship that was coming to a close on earth, would continue as both Grace and I made our way along in our next journey.  We would no longer be together in person, but our spirits would dance with each other forever.

I attended Mass this morning before I went up to see Grace.  The hour I spent in church my thoughts were with Grace and what I would face today when I saw her.  I thought about how our lives came together a few short months ago and how quickly we had become connected our our spiritual sides.  Grace accepted everything at face value and questioned very little, holding onto, and keeping, her faith in the fate she faced.  I always considered my faith strong and my beliefs in the after life solid.  The death of my mom at the end of this past year had me questioning my own journey and at times I felt my faith was slipping away.  It bothered me deeply that I questioned the path God had laid down in front of me.  I still believed, I just struggled more on the why's and the how comes.  I had my share of loses in my life with losing a sister, two brothers, and my mom.  That was all before I ever got myself involved with church.  I never knew how to mourn for the loss of loved ones, they were here, then they were gone, and my family just moved on.

I never really knew how to grieve, until my brother Joey died when I was 14.  Even then, I did not know that grieving was what I was doing.  I still had no one I could talk with about how much I missed my brother.  I had Mikey, but he just cried, never really wanting to talk about it.  I had my only living brother Jordy, who was willing to talk about it, but did not want to hear my 'nonsense' about how I could feel Joey was still with me.  I had my mom, but years of physical and mental abuse left her emotionless when it came to the loss of any of her children.  My dad donor was not someone who talked to me about anything, unless he needed the trash taken out or a body to abuse.  The closest person I had that made me feel he understood my love for and how much I missed Joey, was Jake, who would become my dad when all others felt they could not take me on.

I've lost others since I have moved to Boston when I was 14.  There was Old Joe and his wife Mary who were neighbors and I would spend time with playing chess and eating baked goods.  There was Widow G who was the oldest person I would befriend in my brothers neighborhood who introduced me to hot tea and I introduced her to Mt Dew.  There were more people who I crossed paths with since I moved to Boston, and because of that I knew how to mourn, how to move on, how to be thankful for the time we had together.

I suddenly found myself standing outside Grace's room at the hospital looking inside to find her parents sitting with her.  I stepped in and looked towards Grace.  When she saw me a smile came over her face and in a very weak voice she sassed me about how I was late.  I asked her how can I be late girlfriend, we never set a time, you just told me to come up this morning.  I looked at Grace's parents and I could see the sadness in their eyes, and I knew that they also knew, that today was the day.  I often felt selfish for how much my heart ached and how much I did not want the end to come.  Here were two people whose daughter was probably moments away from her last breath and I felt sorry for me because my little friend would soon be gone.  They unselfishly stood and excused themselves, giving Grace and I privacy to say our goodbyes.

Grace was no longer able to sit herself up so I helped her by propping her little body up with pillows behind her.  It seemed her color had completely gone ashen colored over night, and her green eyes were sunken further into her sockets.  Her breathing was very labored and her the final sign of her death being near, was a rasp noise in her tiny chest as she breathed in and out.

"I love you Grace", was all I could mutter.  "I love you too Jett", she responded.  We talked a few minutes about all our pinky swears.  Grace would remind me one final time to visit her parents often and make sure they are OK.  She thanked me for letting her into my life and sharing all my family and friends with her.  "Thank you for writing my story and thank all our readers for me that followed our blogs and wished me well", she stated.  I thanked Grace for allowing me in her life as well, and sharing her family, and her family time, with me.

The day we met we would agree that I would ask Grace one question, and in turn she would ask me one as well.  We had talked about this before and Grace and I wanted to end our tradition just like we started it.  I would ask her one last question, she would answer it, and would ask me one last question.  Grace handed me an envelope that she had written before she came to the hospital.  It was a card, and on the envelope she had written JETT.  "Ask my one more question Jett," she said.  I took the card from Grace and held onto it tight.  "What do you want our followers to know today Grace?"

"I want them to know that everyone should leave earth with a full heart.  I want them to know that everyone should own a pair of pink fuzzy sleepers.  I want them to know that Justin Bieber is pretty cool.  I want them to know that the best gift you can give others is a piece of your heart and a kind word.  I want them to know that you should not wait for someone to die before you show them you love them.  I want them to know that you do not have to like someone to love them.  I want them to know that it does not hurt and that I will see them all in heaven, after they get out of God's Park."

"Is there anything else Grace?", I asked.  "Just that I love everyone and I am not mad I have to go first."

"My turn", she would say ending my question to her and getting ready to ask me one. "Will you remember me forever?"  My eyes tear up quickly, "I will remember you always", I told her as I put my hand on her chest and put her hand on mine.  "We are in each others hearts and we will be together forever."  We hugged each other one last time, neither of us wanting to let go.  We both knew we had to let go, so I could continue my journey on earth and she could continue hers beyond earth.

"Goodbye boy with the funny name Jett"
"Goodbye Amazing Grace"

I left her room and hugged both her parents before they returned to Grace for their own goodbyes.  I admired how strong Grace stayed through the last few months of her life.  I was thankful for being brought into her life so she could teach me about grace and faith and love.  I would sit in the waiting room to try to collect my thoughts and gather the strength to drive myself home.  I eased up the grip I had on the card she had given to me and opened it up.

"Marry Kristy"  It said, the only other writing on this homemade card was "Love, your girlfriend".


It was an hour later when my dad came into my room as I laid on my bed with the card laying next to me.  "Grace's dad just called buddy, Grace laid herself to rest.  She is onto her next journey."  He turned and left my room and I knew that Grace's death had effected my dad in a huge way as well.

I Believe
Skip Ewing/Donny Kees

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And it’s like you haven’t been gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding you and me
And with all my heart I’m sure we’re closer than we ever were
I don’t have to hear or see, I’ve got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe

Chorus
That when you die your life goes on
It doesn’t end here when you’re gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends and if I’m right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, I believe

Forever, you’re a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
And I’ll hold you even longer if I can
The people who don’t see the most
Say that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
‘Cause I believe

There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe

Amazing Grace XXXVII: Bieber Fever

The last three nights I have spent sitting with Grace at the hospital watching her sleep and keeping her company when she wakes up.  She has sent her parents home each night so they can get their full nights sleep and would be with her during the part of the day where she is most alert and can have quality time with them, since the quantity of time is no longer available.  There are several signs of Stage 4 cancer that I am starting to see Grace go through. It started last week with the headaches she only wanted treated with baby aspirin.  After a couple days of the headaches, the seizures and convulsions started to affect her during the night hours when she would be asleep.  Her fever would climb with very little relief in them being able to get it down, taking its toll on her tiny frame.  When she woke up a few days ago her limbs were numb and she was having difficulty walking on her own.  She had asked her mom to call her dad at work, she was ready to go to the hospital.

Her dad would meet her and her mom at the ER, where she would be admitted to a room, where in a matter of days, possibly hours they said, she would take her final breaths.  She would hold off on any further treatment until she was prepared to take them.  She stayed strong and showed no fear.  There would be no life support, only morphine and an IV.  They had said that most often patients will die in their sleep, very peacefully.  Grace corrected them, she would not die until she said her final goodbye.  In her darkest hours, she stayed sassy, and bossy.

Grace told me to carry on with my week as I normally would, and visit her in the hospital as I normally would if she was at home.  I chose to spend the nights with her in hopes her parents would trust she was in good hands while they submitted to her wish for them to get sleep at  night.  Right up until the end, Grace was keeping her parents life as near normal as she wanted it to be.  I had already asked the question a couple of weeks ago to Grace, why she is choosing to spend her final days in the hospital, and not at home.  "Seriously? Jett?", she would answer me, "If my daughter were going to die I would not want it to be in the house we live in."  Once again, just like she left very little of herself in the bedroom she lived all her eight plus years in, she wanted to make it all easier for her parents to be able to return to their home and not have to take care of Grace's things.  Most of us kids could only wish to be that thoughtful when it comes to our parents.  For over seven years they took care of Grace's every need, and this final year of her life she was paying them back for the love they showered her with.

 The first night I stayed with Grace she would sleep every couple hours and be awake for a couple of hours, then back to sleep.  The only behavior difference I noticed is she was a bit more snappy in her responses to the nurses that were there to care for her.  It wasn't her normal bossy sassy self where she was being funny yet demanding.  It was as if they could do nothing right for her.  I do not think she even realized she was being this way, but they clearly understood the reason behind it and just let it roll.  She always thanked them when they left her room.

The second night I stayed with Grace she was even more tired, drifting in and out of sleep as we talked.  I took note of her speech becoming less clear and her memory seemed to be short, often repeating something we had just talked about.  More signs of her final breaths approaching, more of the reality I wish we could avoid.  It helped that I had been prepared for these changes in her personality, but it did not make it any easier to witness her going through this.  She was at the point now that she was constantly asking if she was being mean.  She worried a great deal about this, but really had no control over any of it.

The third night I spent with Grace, which was last night, we played Go Fish.  With her leaning back in a sitting position against the back of the hospital bed, and me sitting on the edge of her bed facing her, we used her table tray to play cards.  In mid sentence Grace was drifting off to sleep, and in a matter of minutes would wake up and continue with the game.  No matter how much I pleaded with her to quit the game and just sleep, she insisted we finish this game.  One game of Go Fish took us almost an hour to play.

When Grace finally settled down into her bed and drifted off to sleep, I took note of the room she was in.  She did very little to make this room "home" to her.  She did not have it decked out with her personality and art work all over the place.  Each time flowers would be put into her room she would ask they be taken away.  If you questioned her about it, she got demanding and told you to remove them at once.  If you walked into this room and looked around, you would be able to pick out a few items that made this room Grace's room.  Her pink suitcase she brought with her own pajamas along with a few personal items.  Her pink bag with her journals and letters in them that she kept under her pillow.  Her pink kicks, which she insisted on wearing during the day, that sat next to her bed at night when she had on her pink fuzzy slippers to sleep in.  I looked at Grace as she slept, so tiny in that bed, smaller than the first day I met her.

I noticed a small notebook on the bedside table with a pink pen on top of it.  It was the pink pen I had given Grace several weeks back.  I walked over and picked up the pen and notebook.  I opened the notebook to the only page that had writing on it.  Across the top in big letters written by Grace was 'my good byes".  Under those words were a list of names, as I counted them I would reach the number sixteen.  There were four names that had yet to be crossed off.  Mr Pauling, Jett, Mommy, Daddy.  I read the names she had crossed off this final list Grace had made.  I noticed several I recognized, Zander, Charlie, Kristy, George, Tommy were a few.  I looked in the pink suitcase that Grace used to dwindle down all signs of her existence.  The necklace my friend Kristy had loaned to Grace the day they met was gone.  I reached under the pillow where Grace kept her pink bag with her things in it.  I sifted through the cards left for her to hand out.  Kristy's was no longer there.  I was sad when I thought about the names left on the list.  I had guessed that Mr Pauling would be crossed off soon, that being my dad, who was not Mr Pauling at all, but Mr Felix.  I liked how she knew this, but still called him by my name.  After my dad's name would be crossed off, I knew it would be my name next.  I could tell by how quickly Grace started to show the signs of Stage 4 cancer it would be very soon.  A couple of hours had gone by since Grace had fallen asleep and during that time the nurses would move in and our of her room as quiet as angels, making sure she was doing the best she could be doing.

I never wanted to leave when her parents arrived in the early morning hours, but I knew it was their shift, their time with Grace.  After about an hour visit with them each of the last three mornings I would tell Grace I would be up to visit and check in with her and bring her a treat.  A treat she would hardly even taste, but still brought a smile to both of our faces.  A tradition, a memory, that would carry me to the day I take my final breath and am reunited with my little angel sister Grace.

I visited Grace a few hours ago and took her a jelly doughnut.  I knew the tiniest of bite would be all she would take but it is the most favorite treat we shared together and I knew this would be the last time we did.  When Grace sent me packing for the night, with instructions to sleep in my own bed and come see her first thing in the morning it was probably not going to be a good day for me tomorrow.  There was a calm about her and I had noticed that my dad must of at some point today visited Grace as well, as his name had been crossed off her list and his card was no longer in her bag.  She had asked that her mommy and daddy share this night with her, which also told me Grace is probably going to take her final breath on earth in the next 24 hours.  Tonight when I was able to lay in my bed and drift off to sleep, it will be with 'our' IPOD shuffling through the many tunes Grace and I had shared of the past three months.  When Justin Bieber's tunes played, I would do my best to experience Bieber Fever, which was a pinky swear between Grace and I.

"Promise me you will get Bieber Fever, he is good you know." 

"Yes Grace, I promise.  I will let the Fever hit me"

Amazing Grace XXXVI: Caring Kids

I was still carrying the card with me that Grace had written to one of my school tots, Carlos, who lost his little brother in a biking accident a few weeks ago.  Carlos had been out sick this week and each day I had hoped I would see him there when it was time for class.  Today my hopes were answered.  If you remember, Carlos had chosen to skip making a card for Grace like his classmates, and instead opted to write her a little letter.  The card I carried was sealed and I respected the privacy between Grace and Carlos.  She had no problem sharing his letter to her with me, and I had hoped Carlos would want to share hers to him with me as well.  I would not be upset either way, whatever Carlos decided, I would respect.

I was done teaching the tots last week and this week I was the student helper, assisting the teachers in the class rooms and observing their teaching methods and skills.  The remainder of this school year would be used to prepare the students for their advancement into the next grade in the new school year.  This gave me a good  opportunity to visit with Carlos one on one and give him the card from Grace.  It also gave me the opportunity to get a feel for Carlos because I wanted to spend some time with him this summer if his mom would allow that, but first I wanted to make sure this is something he would like.  Nothing major, I told him, but just hook up a couple times and hang out.  Carlos was up to this so the next thing on my agenda would be to visit with his mom and figure out what might work for all three of us.

I told Carlos that there was something else I wanted to talk to him about.  I wanted to tell him that Grace had made a card for him personally, and that she was really excited that he wrote her a letter.  I set the card on the desk in front of him and told him that he was welcome to read that card whenever he felt he wanted to.  He could read it now, or he could take it home with him and read it.  Carlos picked up that card very carefully and held it in his hands.  He did not look up at me, he just sat and looked at his card.  "I will leave you alone Carlos", I told him, "but if you need me for anything, just let me know."  I walked away from Carlos' desk and moved about the room, helping the other students with the things they were working on, answering their questions and helping out where I could.  Almost 15 minutes into the class their regular classroom teacher called her students to order.  She had asked me if I would like to address the class one more time as fourth graders.  I thanked them for making this internship fun and exciting and for being very studious and for all the things they taught me.  We talked a bit about the time we had spent together and then the questions started.  I answered each question I could as honestly and direct as I could, most of them regarding what I would be doing now that I was done with them.  Then one of the students asked me about Grace, how will they know when she was no longer with us.

I had not yet shared with them that Grace had to go to the hospital and in a matter of days she would rest herself in peace and be one more angel amongst us.  I told them how Grace enjoyed all the cards very much and how she smiled each and every time she opened the next one.  I updated them on her health and answered their questions about what happens next.  I found myself surprising calm today, having this conversation regarding where Grace was in her fight against cancer.  I had spent the last two nights with her at the hospital so she would not be alone as she insisted her parents went home and got their night of sleep both nights.  It wasn't the most pleasant conversation to have with the tots, but it is the one they wanted to have.  It was near bell time, which meant it was close to the last few minutes I would be with the tots this school year.  Their teacher would dismiss them when the bell rang and I stood by the door one last time, to get my hugs, my knuckle bumps, my smiles and a few punches in the arm.  A few of the tots handed me notes they had written to thank me and I even scored a few homemade cookies from Katie.  I would not tell Grace about these cookies.

Carlos had walked out with the rest of the students, and when he did I knelt and gave him a hug.  After all the kids were gone and I was gathering up my things for the final time, I turned to see Carlos standing behind me with a woman who I guessed was his mom.  I would be right, and Carlos introduced us and asked me if I would ask his mom now, if we could hang out this summer.  We visited for maybe 30 minutes and it was not until the end of our visit that I would learn that Carlos' mom was a follower of mine and Grace's blog.  She had found out about Grace from Carlos.  I noticed the card was in his hands that Grace had sent with me to give to him.  I noticed it had not been opened.  "Carlos, would you like to read the card together? I noticed you have not read it yet", I asked him.  He took the card and slowly tore open the envelope and pulled out the card that had been made for him.  He handed me the card, "You can read it to me."

Thank you for the nice letter.  I will give your little brother a hug for you and we will go look for your daddy.  If I do this, you have to promise to me that you will have lots of fun times so he can watch you be happy.  If he is in your heart he is with you all the times you are happy and sad.  It does not hurt to die. 

I put the card back into the envelope and handed it back to Carlos.  I gave him a hug and exchanged numbers with his mom so we could make contact this summer.  Carlos grabbed my hand, "Mr. Pauling do you think it does not hurt to die?"  I looked at Carlos and then at his mom.  I had very little information regarding his brothers accident and how much he may or may not have suffered.  I knelt down to Carlos and grabbed his other hand.  "I don't know Carlos.  I cannot imagine anything that hurts more than a broken heart.  A broken bone will hurt but it will heal.  When you have a headache you can take medicine and it will go away.  You scrape a knee and you clean it and put a bandage on it and in a few days it starts to go away.  But when something happens to hurt your heart, it hurts for a long time.  I bet your little brother, even if he hurt when the accident happened, does not hurt at all right now.  I bet your heart is hurting more than he did before he died.  My heart still hurts for when my sister died, and my brothers, and then my mom.  When it hurts lots, I think about all the fun times and it makes it hurt less.  So I do not know if it hurts to die, but my guess would be that it hurts less than the pain in our hearts."

Carlos hugged me one last time, "Maybe when we hang out together this summer we can have fun and my little brother will be happy to watch us."  I stood up, looked at this little guy and said, "I bet it will make our friend Gracie smile too, and maybe they will be sitting together in God's park watching us having fun."  I would drive away from the school today, sad that I was done for the summer, but happy that I would get to spend time with Carlos, and by doing that I would know for sure, if he was truly OK or not.

I would be sure to share this story with Grace tonight, when I went up to stay with her.  I was sure she would be happy to hear that Carlos and I were going to hang out a bit this summer.  She would be proud of the both of us.

Amazing Grace XXXV: A Nearing End

I could tell on Monday that Grace had gotten a little closer to her hospital destination where she would live out her final hours on earth.  I actually started to see the signs a week ago, and each day since then the signs became more and more clear.  Dyspnea (also know as air hunger, or shortness of breath) was present the last few visits I had with Grace.  She never complained, she simply slowed herself down so her breathing was not so labored.  Fatigue was also becoming more common in our visits and often, out of the three of four hours I would spent with Grace, on and off she would be sleeping about half that time.  Coughing was very common to hear coming from Grace this past week, due to the discontinued use of inhalers and antibiotics, which Grace had chosen to eliminate when she decided to stop all treatments and medicine.  Obvious signs of Grace's condition turning for the worse was the bruise's that were appearing on her head first, and then around random areas of her body when she bumped a leg, or laid to long on one side.  Fevers were becoming a common symptom and often kept Grace in bed for most of the day when her temperature would rise.

This past week of visiting Grace, through the days she had strength and those that had taken their toll on her, left me with mixed emotions.  Grace was playing out the remainder of her life as she wanted it.  She wanted to be free of all medicines so nothing slowed her down in any way while she spent as many weeks with her parents in their home as she could.  She did this for her parents, so they could get the very best of the last days when her mind would not be altered by any drugs they administered to her for comfort.  She also had an agenda to leave her home in a manner that made it less difficult for her parents to be in after she had passed.  She redid her girly bedroom into an adult decor, while hiding the kid in her in the double wide closet by means of color drawings and messages.  She had it arranged for what small family she had on both her parents sides to come visit her one last time in their home, not to mourn her life, but to celebrate her life.  There would be no viewing of her body, she wanted them to say goodbye to her while she was still alive.  Grace took care of all these details herself, with a slight suspicion by me, that my brother Joey was guiding her in her final steps on earth, and preparing her for her journey in eternity.  The tiniest details were being taken care of by this little child while she tried to give her parents a normal few weeks as a family, like the days before she had gotten sick.

She had given away most all her possessions, keeping only what little she felt she would need to get her through the next few weeks, which were quickly turning into mere days.  On Monday when I visited Grace I would notice her small pink suitcase sitting just inside her bedroom door.  "My hospital things", she would tell me.  "You know, the things I do not want left here if I am not going to be here."  I would shortly find out what was in that suitcase as we continued to talk about this.  It contained her notebooks and journals, her pink pajamas along with her fuzzy pink slippers.  The necklace Kristy had loaned her on the day they first met.  The wedding veil I gave to her early on when her and I talked about how she would never get to be married and have a baby.  There were also about a dozen envelopes with names written on them.  "For friends I would like to visit me in the hospital when I go Jett", she told me,  I sifted through the envelopes, reading the names on them.  "Jett, if those people do not come to see me when I am in the hospital, will you give them my letter to them please?"  I put the envelopes back down, "Of course girlfriend, anything for you."

When I left on this Monday evening I did not have a very good feeling at all.  There were too many physical signs as well as signs from Grace verbally that were pointing to her getting ready to put herself to rest.  I would receive a text on Tuesday telling me that Grace was not well and did not get out of bed.  I was welcome to stop by today, but it would probably be best to let her sleep this off, get some rest.  I would let her rest I told her mom, and she agreed to update me on any changes, for better or worse.

On Wednesday morning Grace's mom had text me to call her or Grace's dad as soon as I was able.  I can not tell you how many times I tried to dial either of them numbers but my hands would not cooperate with my mind.  This is the call I told myself weeks ago I needed to be prepared for, and thought I would be, but I would prove myself wrong.  Once I made the connection Grace's mom told me that Grace's fever had sky rocketed and she was told to take her to the emergency room, where they would immediately admit Grace into a room.  After a brief update she wanted to get back to Grace.  I told her I understood and I would come up and sit with them.

I could not.  I could not find the strength to do anything for minutes.  I was frozen in time or at least I wanted to be frozen in time.  That would stop this madness right?  It would prolong the death of my bossy sassy little friend.  I showered, I dressed, I sat in silence.  I tried to think of something, anything, that would prevent me from going to see Grace.  Although her and I had talked about this many times, I was struggling with the thought of Grace telling me goodbye as she had promised me she would before she left us.  At this moment I felt so alone, so helpless, so powerless, so small in this big overwhelming life that disappointment me so many times before.

What I really wanted was my mom.  From the time I was born to fourteen years old my mom always fixed me best she could.  The only thing my mom could never save me from was the shadows.  No one has ever been able to save me from the shadows.  I laid back on my bed and thought about my mom.  What should I do mom?  What would you do to help me right now mom?  Where are you mom?  Why did you leave me?  I need your hug mom.  I need you to tell me that everything will be alright mom.  I miss you mom, and I want you back.  Dear God, if I could just have one do-over in my life, it would be done on the day my mom died and left me.  I would gladly go back  to that day and redo my steps from that day forward, if I could just have my mom back.

Please God, let me have a do-over, and reverse all of this back to the day I let her go.  I love you mom, and when you get to meet up with Gracie, be the mommy to her that you were to me.  I'm sorry for the choice I had to make that day, and letting go of you was the hardest decision I ever had to make.  I never stopped loving you, and the anger is more about me than it ever was about you.  I hope you are resting in peace and I pray that you have forgiven me.


From months to weeks to days to hours, in minutes we move from breathing to beyond a breath of life, and full circle has reached out and touched us one very last time.

Amazing Grace XXXIV: Giving Back To Life

I had an early Saturday visit with Grace, due to commitments we both had for the rest of the day.  Before I went to visit with her I stopped at the store to pick up a couple shades of pink and red lip sticks that she text me the night before that she wanted.  As I did this task for my little friend, I wondered if all these girly girl errands had me run for her in the past month or so was her trying to prepare me for a taste of my life to come once I have met the girl that I would actually think enough of to do these things.  Right there and then I pinky swore to myself that this is not something I would ever experience again.  Way too many shades of pink and red for me. 

Grace was just finishing up her cards for my two tot classes, thanking them for the nice cards they had made for her and for inviting her to be part of their class recently.  She had made one card for each class, lots of color, glitter, and smiley faces.  There was a third envelope that Grace handed me when she handed me the other two cards.  "This is for Carlos", she said, "please makes sure you give it to him and give him a hug from me."  I assured Grace I would get it delivered first thing on Monday.

We only had half and hour this morning, and we both hoped our schedules would line up together again for a small visit this evening.  I know it is important to not push Grace and make sure she understood her rest was very important to her at this point.  Any sign of fatigue could allow illness to set into her system, causing her already compromised system to get weaker quickly and harder to recover from.

This weekend, both Saturday and Sunday, was the weekend most of Grace's small family would be visiting with her, saying their goodbyes.  It had already been decided that there would be no service for Grace, outside her parents and a few of those closest to her.  This past week saw the plans being finalized regarding Grace wanting to be a donor, so others may live a longer healthy life.  She would donate anything they would be able to use towards others quality of life, and she wanted her brain to be donated to science for research.  It is something Grace talked to me about several times in the past two months and I knew it was important to her to help as many others as she could.  I had asked her how she came to know about being a donor, that with her so young, who gave her the information that she needed to get the ball rolling.  "When I was at the cancer center for my very first treatment there was a boy there who told me he was going to go to college someday and study to be a scientist and someday he was going to find a cure for cancer.  He got to get better from his cancer and he showed me his driving license and it told on there he was a donor.  So I asked him what that meant and he told me. So I decided I would like to do that for others too."  I remember thinking that I should check into this as well, after all, if this little girl could be mature enough to get the facts, I should too.

I would not see Grace again until last Sunday evening.  She had text me that she had visited with everyone she wanted to in her family and I could come over and bring her a treat.  I was beginning to wonder if she had the cell number of the ice cream truck would she have text that dude instead of me.  Makes me smile, because most girls in my life entice me to come over to visit offering me food, but not this little girl, she was enticing me to come visit and bring her food.  It worked every time though.  I'm pretty sure the oval stick shape figure she drew of me had a lot to do with the weight I have had to of put on with all these treats floating around.  I went with the old standby DQ menu and took a bag of chocolate, cherry, and butterscotch Dilly Bars over to her house.

Grace thought they were a bag full of yums and she love love loved the cherry ones.  "Oh what a delicious Sunday night treat boyfriend."   I could not of agreed more.  I only stuck around for half an hour, which I would take every second I could get with my little buddy.  The four of us sat in their kitchen eating our treats and casual talking about their weekend.  Grace always had the center stage and she went on and on about what relatives were over.  I enjoyed hearing her excitement as she talked about her visitors.  I have to admit, it made me a bit angry with them when she told me how little they did not come around once they found out she would never get better.  She really did not seem to hold grudges or display bitterness about it at all.  I quietly thought about how I would work on that, because in the end, it would hurt no one but myself.

"We have 15 new followers on our blog now Jett", Grace would say proudly, "that is a lot more that I got to read about us."  I told Grace that was nice that she continues to share our story with others.  What I really thought was how I have tried so hard to make sure everyone knows this is not about me, this is about Grace.  I had to shake my head because just like she would turn my interviews with her back on me, she now has made her story "our" story.  "Jett, I have a question for you", she announced.  Go on I told her, ask.  "Are you from Tennessee?"  I looked at her and her parents like an alien had just spoke to me.  They both smile and shake their heads.  "No Grace, why do you ask?"  Grace smiled big, let out a little giggle then said, "Well, you are the only TEN I SEE."   I could not even force myself to roll me eyes at her.  She reminded me of Little Dude, who can knock knock you to sleep with his jokes.  "My daddy said that to my mommy today.  After he told me what it means I thought it was cute cute cute", she said.  Her poor mommy turned the shade of the red lipstick I had brought to Gracie yesterday.

I could see Grace was tired, she had a very busy weekend with family, and I told her I was a bit tired to and I had some things I had to get done before I could even climb in my bed.  She announced to me that her and her daddy were going to watch Footloose, the good one.  I looked at her dad and said, "Sorry dude, but at least its Footloose, I bet I've watched How to Train A Dragon a million times and counting."  He gave me that 'it's ok, someday I'll repay you for that movie' look.

I said goodbye to this little family of friends of mine with instructions from Grace to not forgot to take my cards to my classes and do not forget about Carlos.  She told me to not forgot to come see her tomorrow and bring my guitar and that tomorrow I would get "our" IPOD back, she was done with it now.  A kiss, a hug, a pinky swear, and a goodbye and I was on my way home, sure Grace would be out before the movie got a good start to it.  I would be wrong.  I pulled into our garage and heard my cell beep.  "You do get my joke right?  It was funnier than the amount you laughed."   That text made me laugh harder than any joke she could possibly tell me.  I text her back "I got it dude.   Goodnight"

Amazing Grace XXXIII: Back Bay Cupcakes

Grace had prior commitments on Friday that did not allow me to visit with her during our normal time frame late afternoon to early evening.  I would later find out that she had other visitors that had spent some time with her, and those visitors would be my brother Jordy, and Mikey, who I also referred to as a brother.  Mikey was one of my brother Joey's two best friend before he passed away.  The other best friend to Joey was Jake, who I call my dad.  He stepped in when my donor dad failed me.  Grace had already met Jake but Joey and Mikey were dragging their feet to go visit her.  I understood, and although I kept asking them to please visit her so she could cross their names off her People To Meet list, there was always a reason why they could not make that move.

Jordy and I are very different when it comes to how we deal with Joey being gone.  I am convinced that Joey walks with me, guiding me in my endeavor to make him proud and live the good life.  Jordy does not believe that when you die you are capable of visiting your loved ones still on earth.  You are just gone, and only your memory exists.  I believe your spirit sticks around and makes sure those memories never fade.  Basically, Jordy does not want to believe, and I do.

Mikey and I think a lot alike when it comes to Joey.  Mikey believes that during the hardest times of his life, in the toughest decision making times, Joey is there with a calm presence to assure him he did well, and that he would be OK.  The difference in us is I do not just feel Joey around me like Mikey does, I can see him, and I can hear him.  If there is one person on earth that misses Joey as much, if not more, than I do, it is Mikey.  I can still see the sadness in his eyes.  Even though he has married, has a great step son and a beautiful 11 month old baby boy, with twin girls due any day now, through all that happiness, I can still see the pain he carries in his heart from losing his best friend.  A pain and sadness I know all to well.

When Grace text me in the early evening on Friday that I should bring her a treat, and the supplies she requested to make the tots thank you cards, I was all to happy to be able to visit with her, even though I knew that visit would be short.  I headed over to Sweet Cupcakes in the Back Bay area. Grace and I had talked about this sweet shoppe several times and even had creeped them online to look at all their deliciousness but we had yet to give it a try.  I picked up four BOSTON CREAM PIE cupcakes.  Cupcakes filled with pastry cream, frosted with chocolate and topped with a cherry.

When I got to Grace's house I gathered her bag of supplies and the cupcakes and headed up the walk to the porch.  Just as I was about to walk up the step to the front door I heard it lock.  I looked up and through the glass I saw the curtain part and my little friend looking out at me laughing.  I never got tired of her messing with me at that front door, and I think she liked that I reacted differently each time.  I sat on the swing where she could see me and opened the box of cupcakes.  I lifted one out of the box and held it in front of me.  I was admiring the cupcake when I heard the lock click open and the door creek.  I began to take its wrapper off when I felt the swing move and just like that I had company, sitting next to me, staring at the cupcake.    "That looks yummy Jett, how many do you have in that box?", Grace had said.  "I have one for each of my friends and one for myself", I said.  I handed Grace the one in my hands and dug another one out of the box.  We sat on the swing and ate our cupcakes.  It is not often that Grace will finish the entire of anything I bring her but tonight she had demolished every crumb of that cupcake.  "You should of gotten me two, you know."   I handed Grace the box and told her "If you eat them now, your mommy and daddy will not even know I bought them one each."   I knew she would have none of that, she was always thinking of her parents, and as yummy as those cupcakes were, she was going to make sure her parents got their treat tonight, just as we had ours.

Grace and I went inside and gave them their cupcakes.  Before they even had a chance to look in the box Grace was pulling me into her room.  When we got there, she took the bag of supplies I had brought her and put them on the now adult size desk sitting where not that many days ago her little pink and white heart desk sat.  She walked over to her big girl bed and jumped up and sat in the middle of it.  I took a seat on the light oak chair that seemed to hold me well when I visited Grace.  "I met your brother today Jett, and your friend Mikey too.  I was surprised Jordy's eyes are blue and yours are brown.  Mikey has the prettiest blue eyes EVER!"  I could tell by the fast pace Grace was talking she was excited to have finally met them.  I would sit there for another 15 minutes listening to Grace describe the differences between my brother and myself.  She pointed out both physical and character differences that probably we did not even realize we had.  Grace grew quiet and laid back on her bed.  "Jett", she would say, "Joey and Jordy look alike but you and Joey are more alike on the inside."  Now, mind you, Grace has not even seen a picture of Joey so once again I have to think the brother I am missing so much has made an appearance to Grace and when she told me he took her to God's Park and showed her around, it was not a dream.  Grace continues on, "You are thicker than your brothers and your hair is nicer.  Joey has the nicest smile."  I thought I had heard the last of her when she popped back up on her butt and sat on the bed again,  "I think you are all very nice, but Mikey is the nicest boy EVER."  I rolled my eyes and when she didn't see me roll them I leaned myself in front of her and rolled them again.  "Dude, you did not just break up with me right?  I am still your boyfriend, right?", I asked her.  Grace jumped down for the bed and stood in front of me, "Do not be a silly boy, I was just saying I think Mikey is nice is all."   Grace grabbed my hands with hers and tugged at me, "Want to see what me and Jordy and Mikey did today?"  I stood up to follow Grace to the closet that was slowing becoming an art room for her with all her writings and drawings on the wall.  She opened the right side of the closet door that would reveal the outlines of hands on the back wall.  She crawled in and I crawled in after her, "I don't see anything new, what are you showing me?"  Grace turned herself to face to the right and nudged me to do that same.  There in front of us were four stick figures of various shapes and sizes.  A tall thin line with a head with curly hair, clearly Joey, then the shortest of the lines with a head on it with two blue eyes staring at me that had to be Mikey, next was another taller thin stick line with a head on it with a smile drawn in with a tongue hanging out, my guess would be Jordy.  The last stick figure really wasn't a stick at all.  It was the shape of an oval, clearly 'thicker than the others' with a head on it with a crooked smile.  I smiled at the thought of Jordy, Mikey, and Gracie drawing this picture and knowing it was a jab at me being the thick one of the bunch.  I felt Grace wrap her arms around me from behind me as if she was going to get a piggy back ride.  She put her chin on my shoulder and her head rested against the side of mine.  I noticed that the stick figures hands were holding each others hands.  Across the top was written "brothers forever" that I could see written in Jordys handwriting.  "It's beautiful Grace, I like it", I told her.  We crawled out of the closet and I told Grace it was getting late, she should get some rest so she could work on the tots thank you tomorrow.  We said our goodbye's and when I left Grace on this night she was sitting at the desk in her room.  I waited a few minutes outside her door and when I peeked back around the corner Grace had taken a mirror out of a drawer, removed her lid, and was making faces in the mirror at herself.  I laughed to myself wondering what she was up to and when I next came to see her, what would she drag me into that closet to see.

I love this little girl, I don't care if she thinks Mikey is the nicest and has the prettiest eyes.  I had her heart and I knew it, and I am sure she knew she stole my heart several weeks ago.  I was no sooner back at my house when my cell beeped.  "I need some pink and some red lipstick tomorrow please."  I let out a sigh, she knew I would search high and low for these girly items and I imagined she was chuckling to herself about the thought of it.  "OK girlfriend, see you tomorrow".

Amazing Grace XXXII: Gifts for Gracie

It was Thursday at noon as I sat in the parking lot of the grade school eating my lunch before I went in to work with the tots today.  I checked my phone several times.  I was looking for a text from Gracie, as the last time I had heard from her it was right after my Spanish class.  She had sent me a text that was short and sweet, "Thank you for my note the other night, I love you too, you know."  Grace was referencing a note I had left her yesterday while she was still sleeping.   I had wrote down the words to the Barney Song, and her text to me made me smile.  I knew she was OK, and I knew she had gotten the note.  No current text to update me on her status, I would have to check in with her mom after tot time.

My tots were excited to make cards for Grace today.  We took roll call then made our way to the art center room.  I let them have free rein on the making of their cards with very little stipulation.  We agreed they would not be get well cards.  Most of the students from both grades knew exactly what they wanted to create.  A few of them decided to combine their card with another student.  A couple of the students that struggled a bit with deciding how to decorate their card asked me for help.  I told them a few things that Gracie liked, such as the color pink, ribbons, dolls, rainbows, and how she loved her parents with all her heart.  Once I saw to it that everyone was set up and working on their cards I roamed around the room, checking their spelling and their progress.  They were doing well, moving along quickly and once they had finished their card they put it in a basket and returned to class to work on their next days workbook page.  First the third graders and then the forth graders.  The fourth graders worked faster then the third graders on everything we did.  One by one they returned to their classroom and began to work on their assignment.  I had noticed that Carlos was not making a card but was writing something on a piece of paper.  Carlos is the tot that lost his younger brother just a few weeks ago.  When he was the last tot left in the art center room I knelt down on the floor next to the desk he was working from.  He did not look up at me as he said "I decided to write a letter to her if that is OK."  I told him of course it was OK, she would be happy to get it.  I knew Carols was having a sad day.  I debated the conversation I would have with him. I wanted him to understand he is not alone.

"Carlos, I know how hard it is that you do not have your brother here with you anymore.  When I was your brothers age, I had a sister who was a couple years younger than I was.  My family went to Omaha NE to visit my dads brother for the July 4th weekend.   She also was on her tricycle when she got hit by a car and was killed, just like your brother.  Did you know that it happens so often that it is the third most often ways kids die when they are those ages?"  Carlos just sat there with his head down, holding on to that letter like the wind not existent in that room would take it away from him.  "I was younger than you are and I do not have many memories of my baby sister but I still miss her deeply.  I can only imagine how much you miss your little brother.  But you know, he is not coming back again and I do not think he would want you to continue to be sad for him.  I bet he is in heaven right now wishing that as he looked down on you he could see you smile more.  I bet he would want you to have enough fun in your days for the both of you now."

Carlos said nothing as he slowly got up and folded his letter as he walked up to the basket to place it with the cards the other tots had made.  He walked out of the art center room and back to his class, not once looking at me.  I took a few seconds to just gather my thoughts, grabbed the basket of cards for Grace and headed back to the fourth grade class.  We had about ten minutes left of class before the bell would dismiss the class for the day.  The students were silent as they worked in their workbooks for what would be the last day I taught them this school year.  Tomorrow was Friday, and we would take a final quiz and the rest of the class we would talk about our coming up summer and what everyone would be doing.

The bell rang and I did not hesitate to dismiss the class.  Once I did they scurried out of their seats and lined up by the door.  When everyone was in place I released them to after school freedom and one by one I got knuckle bumps, hand shakes, hugs, and a few shoulder punches.  Every tot that passed me had a smile on his or her face.  Carlos was the last tot in line that day and as he approached I just smiled gently at him hoping I would get a smile back.  He stopped in front of me and looked up at me with sad eyes.  I knelt down to get closer to being eye to eye with Carlos and was no sooner down on my knee when he wrapped his small arms around me tight.  Not a word was spoken as he released his gripped and looked at me smiling and turned to leave.  I thought to myself, 'Carlos will be OK'.

I was anxious to get to Grace today with the cards the tots made for her.  But more than that, I missed her big, Tuesday we got 20 minutes together not counting the two hours I watched her sleep and Wednesday was yet another 20 minutes of visiting with her where I actually got to see her sparkly green eyes staring at me.  I was hopeful that today would be a good solid three hours at least I got to spend with my little angel.

I text her mom's cell that I was on my way and would be there shortly.  "Bring me a treat" was the text I had gotten in return.  This was a very good sign and I was excited to receive that text back.   I decided to take Grace a DQ strawberry shortcake treat today.  I would also pick two extra ones up for her parents, she seemed to always like them to try the same things that she was. 

It was unusual for Grace's dads truck to be there when I got there in the afternoon as he often worked late, sometimes not even home before I left around 7 or 730pm.  I pulled my truck up into the driveway next to his and quickly grabbed the treats and the basket of cards.  I did not knock, I did not ring the bell, I just barged right in as if this were my home.  I did not like things to be out of the normal, it always made me feel like something was not right.  Beyond the entry way to their home was the living area, where I saw Grace sitting wrapped in the blanket I had brought her that my Aunt Mary had made.  "Most company ring the door bell and wait to be invited in", my sassy little friend would greet me with, "What is my treat today?"  I made note of the Footloose movie playing and smiled at her sassy remark.

I found relief in her verbal abuse of me at this moment, assured by her mood that everything must indeed be OK.  I told Grace what today's treat would be and took it out of its bag and set it up for her to eat.  "I brought extra for your parents", I told her.  She smiled and as she dug her spoon down into her strawberry treat and said,  "You better put them in the freezer so they do not get icky on us."   Of course I did what my bossy little friend had told me to do.  I took the other treats into the kitchen and put them in the freezer.  I noticed Grace's parents out on the back deck talking to a well dressed man.  I gave a wave, got two waves back, and went back to help Grace eat her treat.  I sat down next to Grace, took my spoon and snatched a bite of the strawberry shortcake, "Who are your parents talking to Dude?"   With her spoon in the treat and her eyes on the movie she very casually stated, "Oh he is here to help with my stuff when I die. You know, like my heart and my eyes I get to donate."  Ugh.  Ugh. Ugh.  Not only should a child never have to think about such things, they should not have to talk about it so matter of fact.

"Do you think you will donate your stuff boyfriend?", she asked me.  "I have thought about that Grace, they could probably take my brain and spread it out to several people", I told her.  There went those pretty sparkly green eyes, rolling around in their sockets.  "You are dorky.  You cannot give it to lots of people, you can only give it to one."   We continued our talk about what we could donate and what we could not.  Laughing and eating the treat we were sharing as the movie played in front of us.  When we were done with our treat I cleaned it up and when I came back in the room Grace had the basket of cards sitting on her lap.  "What are these for dude?", she asked.  "The tots wanted to make cards for you today so I let them run all over me like you do and have their way", I told her.

Grace took the cards out one by one and read them.  There were thank you cards, nice to meet you cards, there was even a birthday card that gave us the giggles as it was far from being Grace's birthday.  We looked at each one carefully and talked about them as well as the creator(s) of each card.  I could tell she liked that they had done that for her and I knew what would be coming next.  "Next time you visit me I would like to make a card for each of your classes, to thank them for thinking of me today.  I will make a list before you leave of the things I will need you to bring me."  Man, this girlfriend of mine was getting expensive, I was going to have to find me a paying job.  I thought it would be a fun project to do together so we settled on the details.

The only thing left for Grace from the tots project today was Carlos letter.  I took it out of my pocket and handed it to Grace as I told her about his struggle today with sadness.  I could see the sadness fill up in Grace's eyes for Carlos as she unfolded his letter to her.  I waited for her to read it, thinking she would read it out loud.  She did not.  She handed the letter to me, "Would you please read it to me?"  I took the letter and read it as Grace listened to the short message he had for her.

Please tell my little brother I miss him.  Tell him our mommy is very sad and cries every night.  Please hug him for us.  Please be his friend, he is a good boy.  Please tell him to not be scared.  Please help him find our daddy there so he will not be alone no more.  Maybe you can take this letter with you so you do not forget these things.  Thank you.  I hope you do not hurt no more.

Grace took the letter from me and folded it back up.  She was very quiet and it was unusual that she had nothing to say.  We sat side by side for a few minutes in that silence when I looked down at my little angel to see the tears free flowing down her cheeks.  "I do not want Carlos to be sad and I do not want my mommy and daddy to cry for me", Grace said through her tears.  I put my arm around her small shoulder frame and pulled her close to me.  "People cannot help it when they cry Grace, its the only way to let go of some of the hurt they have from missing someone they love so much", I tried to comfort her.

We sat there for a few moments while Grace and I collected our emotions over Carlos letter.  Grace grabbed my hand and pulled me to get up off the sofa.  "Come with me I want to show you something", she said.  I got up and followed Grace.  First she quietly walked to the kitchen and peered around the corner at her parents out on the deck with the well dressed man.  Then she turned and grabbed my hand and headed for her bedroom.  She jabbered all the way about the events of her day and everything she did.  She stopped short of her door and looked at me saying, "Did I thank you for the treat?  It was the bomb. Really super sic."  I liked she was picking up my lingo, and how she loved using it trying to stump her parents in what she was saying.

Grace took my hand and drug me into her newly decorated bedroom and headed straight for the close.  She opened the right side door and bent over and walked right in.  "Come in here with me", she said.  I got on my hands and knees and crawled in next to Grace.  We were right in front of the area that Grace had me trace her hand, and then she had traced mine.  There was another hand outlined under our hand outlines.  "It is Joey's hand Jett, what do you think about that!", she said excitedly.  When I looked the hand she referred to as Joey's hand I thought about the visit I had two days ago where I felt a hand on my shoulder but no one was there.  That same day I saw both her parents appear to be touching a hand on their shoulder as well, although I could not see one.  "Well", she said, "what do you think about this?  Isn't it fun?"  I really did not want to get into this with Grace and find out the details.  I don't know if its because I was afraid of what she would say, or if I was hesitant to ask because I preferred to think what I thought and did not want that thought to be destroyed.

Grace crawled over to the left side of the closet, telling me to follower her over.  I crawled behind her and when she sat down, I sat down next to her, in the closet.  I reached back and closed the right side door and slid the left side door open to let in the light where we were now sitting.  As soon as the light came in through the door I noticed the colorful array of words on the wall in front of us.  There were all the colors of a rainbow and then some.  Grace had taken her markers and written words to form an arch, as if there were a rainbow in her closet.  The top color of this arch was purple "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so"  blue, "dear mommy and daddy i will always love you",  next was green "thank you for letting me have my way ",  then red "thank you for loving me",  pink "remember the fun times",  orange "smile when you think of me", yellow "i will miss you".   In the center of the arch or her rainbow she drew a picture.  Stick figures.  First her daddy, then herself, then her mommy.  Grace crawled out of the closet and came back with her markers.  She took out her black one and popped the lid off.  Reaching her arm out she began to draw another stick figure.  It was slightly talker than her dad's and when she was done drawing the figure she dug into her colors and pulled out the blue one.  She uncapped it and used it to draw wings on the stick figure.  "It is Joey", she said, "he is our angel guide."   I smiled at Grace and told her it was a very nice drawing and I am sure when her mommy and daddy found it they would be proud of her work and enjoy thinking about the work she put into it. 

We crawled out of the closet and made our way to the huge bed now occupying the majority of the space in the room.  We stretched out on it, laying on our backs.  I was thinking about the figure she drew of Joey.  How did she know he would be taller than her daddy?  How long has Joey been around Grace and her family that she saw him in this light?   When Joey 'left' me did he do it to be the angel guide to Grace and her parents?   I was snapped out of my thoughts by Grace's voice, "Boyfriend? What will you do when I die?"  I remained still, looking at the ceiling, "What do you mean girlfriend?  You know I will miss you deep."  She sat up on the bed and leaned over me, looking me in the eyes.  "I know that, but you will keep loving me right?  You will not forget about me right?  I will be watching you to make sure you do not cry."  I told her I could never forget her and I could never not love her.  "You are silly girl", I told her, "and you better be watching me and keeping me out of trouble since all you've been is a pain in my butt since I met you."  Grace laid back down on the bed.  I swear I heard her eyes roll as she said, "You were messed up before you came to visit me the first time."   Grace grabbed my hand and I wrapped it around her tiny hand as we laid there and she drifted off to sleep.

Before I left for the evening I gathered up Grace's markers, repacked them, and put them back where we had gotten them from.  I closed the closet door shut but not before I took a peak at her rainbow again.  Everything Grace was doing these final days she was doing for her parents.  She was getting noticeably weaker as the days went on.  The signs were starting to appear, the bruises and bumps on her head, the lack of energy that had her falling asleep in the middle of stories.  Her tiny frame getting smaller.  Yet Grace was determined to stay in this world with us until she was done with everything she felt her parents needed done before she moved on.  Her strength and courage amaze me more and more each visit.

After running a few errands after I had left Grace this evening I pulled into the driveway at my house.  As I was gathering my things to go in the house my cell beeped.  It had only been an hour since I left Grace but the text I received made me smile.  "white letter paper. glitter. glue. star stickers."  It made me laugh, of course she would not forget the list of things she needed to make the tots thanks you cards.  I text her back, "got it dude. goodnight."  I would be inside my house by the time this slow texter replied.  "and a treat."

Amazing Grace XXXI: God's Grace, With Gracie

I still really hadn't gotten over the shock in my system of seeing Grace's bedroom transformed from sassy girl pink to big girl green.  It's something that has weighed very heavy on my mind since Monday when she introduced me to the completion of her final plan to help make her parents days following her upcoming death easier to adjust to life without her.  How precious was the heart of this little daughter who has to leave this world before her parents will, trying to make this tragic experience as painless for them as possible. 

I had not heard from Grace on Tuesday by lunch time as I usually would so I text her mom's cell to see how Grace was feeling today.  I was told by her mom that Grace had a very restless night and by morning she had a light fever and an upset stomach.  I let her mom know I would stop by to check in on her after I was done with the tots today shortly after 3pm.  Since the tot's I was teaching the art of the English language to had met Grace, they were always wanting an update on how she was doing.  I never spent a lot of time talking to them about Grace's illness, but tried to tell them about Grace's character, and the strength inside of her to get through the times she was not feeling so great, so she could continue to enjoy the life she was still living.

A few weeks ago one of the tot's I was teaching in the fourth grade had lost his little brother, who was in kindergarten, when he was struck by a car while riding his tricycle and killed.  Since that day my third and fourth grade students would on occasion bring up the topic of death.  They now had a source of reference to begin understanding death, and the hurt it left behind.  Some were fearful, some were curious, some were intrigued about the survivors of the victim.  The staff was required to attend a briefing on the death of the student, informing them on what they should say, what they should not say, and how far into the afterlife they should allow themselves to take the students asking questions.  Basically, we were not allowed to give our point of view on God and the role he plays in our lives on earth.

The tots wanted to make a card for Grace to let her know they hoped she got to feeling better.  We talked about this prior to starting our workbook studies for today.  I explained to them that although that is very thoughtful of them, Grace would not be getting better, and she knows this, so a card telling her they hoped she would, was probably not the best choice for her at this time.  My less than scholar student Derik would offer up a suggestion, "Maybe we can make Grace a card thanking her for coming to our class last Friday."  I told him that is an excellent idea, and we would work on those cards on thursday if we buckled down today and not only completed today's lesson, but Thursdays as well.  Both classes agreed to this and the rest of this day the kids hunkered down and reached their goal of finishing both lessons in one day.

I stopped by Starbucks on the way to visit Grace, wanting to take her an orange mango smoothie.  Grace liked surprise treats from Starbucks and I thought since she was not feeling well it would a nice refreshing drink for her to try.  My guess was that today she would not be greeting me at the door, where she would often make me beg to be let in, while she laughed herself silly.  I was right.  As I parked my truck in the driveway I looked up at Grace's bedroom window in front of me.  My heart sank a bit when I saw the green curtains that had replaced the pink ones before they were changed out the Sunday prior to today. 

Grace's mom would meet me at the door this afternoon before I even had the chance to knock.   "She's been sleeping most of the day Jett", she said, "but each time she wakes up she asks if you have come to see her yet."   Grace's mom looks tired, worn down from the worry I supposed, and you could see on her face how much this has taken its toll on this mother of one.  I offer her the chance to take some time for herself, run errands, take a nap, sit out back and enjoy the sun.  "I will sit with Grace for as long as you would like me to", I tell her, "take a break."  She would take me up on that offer telling me she will try to lay down and rest for a bit and if I need anything, please let her know.  I feel this is the smallest of things I can do for her, after all, she has entrusted her only daughter in my care.

I sat in the light oak chair next to Grace's new queen size bed for a bit over an hour before her eyes popped up.  "I did not think you were coming today Jett.  I was worried you would stop coming since I told you the end of my story."  I reached down next to me and grabbed the orange mango smoothie, "I still have my story to write girlfriend", I told her, "Do you feel like sitting up to taste this treat I brought you?"  Grace sat up on her bed and I handed her the drink.  "Drink as much as you can Grace, your mom said you did not eat anything today and all you drank was water.  I can go get you a chili dog if you want."  Grace took a small sip of her drink, followed by a very large gulp.  "Oh, this is delicious boyfriend.  But I do not want to eat yet."

I spent 20 minutes sitting with Grace while she finished of her drink.  I was happy she had liked it enough to drink all of it.  I took the empty cup from her and she slid back down on the over sized bed practically getting lost in it as she snuggled under the covers and shut her eyes, drifting off to sleep yet again.  I sat there for at least an hour more, just watching my little friend sleep.  I am not sure at what point I myself drifted off to sleep but I was awakened by a touch on my shoulder.  It had startled me and I was quick to jump up only to find myself standing there alone.  I looked at Grace, still sleeping in the same position as I remembered.  I put right hand on my left shoulder, the same one I had felt someone touch just moments before.  I tell myself I must of been dreaming, and quickly move my thoughts onto other things.

I take Grace's water glass and go to the kitchen to put in fresh ice cubes and water.  I find her dad sitting at their kitchen table, several papers spread out in front of him.  I take his cup of coffee and fill it from their coffee pot on their counter.  Walking back to the table with his coffee cup in my hand I look at his face.  Tired, stressed, aged since the first time I met him.  I sit his cup down in front of him and take a chair next to him.  "If there is anything more I can do for you, all you ever have to do is ask", I tell him.  He gives me a nod, clearly not wanting to, or perhaps not able to, talk about this right now.  I glance at the papers in front of him and notice it all pertains to the final arrangements regarding putting Grace to rest.  I stand up to go back and kiss Grace goodbye for the evening.  I look over at her dad as he reaches his right hand up and puts it on his left shoulder.  He pats his shoulder as if he is patting a hand resting there, providing him comfort.  I wondered if he thought that was my hand on his shoulder, as he did not look up once at me.  I noticed the calm that came over his face, as if someone was telling him everything will be OK.

I took Grace's fresh cup of water and sat it on the stand next to her bed.  I wrote a small note and laid it next to her.  I knelt next to Grace's bed and with my heart heavy and my hands together in prayer I asked God to let Grace and her parents find comfort in her final days.  I asked him please do not make her suffer beyond what she is willing to take.  The selfish part of me asked God to please give me the strength to handle what was to come in the next couple of weeks.  I looked up from where I knelt in prayer to find Grace's mom at the door of her bedroom, with a watchful eye on both of us.  She had her right hand resting on her left shoulder.  It looked like she was squeezing her hand, holding onto what could of been someone laying their hand there to comfort her.  She smiled as she had been comforted, dropped her right hand off her shoulder and took her place on the chair next to Grace's bed.

I left Grace's house that day wondering if Grace's angel guide was there waiting to take her to God's garden.  What was the presence I felt and I seen with this family today?  Who was with them, moving around keeping an eye on them, comforting them with a touch that could not be seen but could be felt?

I was starting to become anxious with all the signs I was feeling and seeing this past week.  Time was drawing near and it seemed to be coming fast.  I put comfort in the day that Grace had revealed to me she was ready to go, but she would not leave without telling me good-bye first.  What day would it be?  I did not know and I did not care to guess.  I just knew that even though Grace had said she was ready, I was not.

Amazing Grace XXX: From Pink To Green

As the two year anniversary of Gracie's death approaches I find myself going back and reading our blogs prior to that day.  The memories are still so vivid of the times I spent with her as she prepared not just herself, but those around her, for the day God would bring her home to him.  This particular blog holds so many emotions for me of her final days.  Bless you Gracie, my angel in Heaven.

I was excited to go visit with Grace on this Monday, especially because she had text me yesterday morning early telling me she wanted to spend the day with her daddy and I can come and see her tomorrow.  Well tomorrow is here and I really have missed my little friend and was excited to work more on our blogs and have some fun.  My Aunt Mary in Pennsylvania had made me a blanket of different shades of pink, Grace's favorite color.  I have to admit, I thought it would be a nice keepsake for myself actually, once Grace had passed.  Meanwhile I thought, it would go well in her girly girl decked out pink bedroom.

The walls in Grace's bedroom are a very light pink, with ballet slippers a darker shade of pink stenciled around the room on all four walls, about half way down from the white ceiling.  The carpet is a pale gray color and throughout the room on the floor were different size heart shaped rugs in various shades of pink.  The bedroom set, consisting of a twin size bed, a tall dresser, a short double drawer wide dresser and a night table, are white wood.  The handles on both dressers are pink heart nobs.  There is a child's table with two chairs, also in white wood, with pink hearts painted all over the pieces.  There is also a child size desk and chair that fitted into the deco perfectly with white hearts spread out on a bright pink background.  The bedding is white with a comforter that is also white, adorned with pink ribbons throughout.  The curtains are a shear white, pulled open and held with pink ribbons that match the ribbons on the comforter.  A solid white window shade ran the length of the widow, and usually was only pulled down at the end of the day when Grace would be sleeping.   The only 'odd' piece of furniture I found that seemed out of place, but not really, was the chair next to her bed.  A solid light oak side chair, used for those times when her parents, or myself, would sit and read to Grace when she was resting in bed.

I remember the first time I visited Grace and saw her very girly pink bedroom.  I would not be to far off in describing my reaction as shocking.  It over whelmed me, being the manly man that I am.  When we moved into the Misfit house there was not a trace of pink around.  Only when my niece Olivia was born did pink things start appearing in the kids play area.  Beyond that, the colors were very neutral and nature themed.   Seeing all this pink in various shapes and shades was eye opening and took a bit of getting use to.  The more I visited Grace, the more natural it felt to me for her to be in this setting.  It really was well put together, and it was her domain, and she was happy in it, so I was happy for her.

I held the blanket made of different shades of pink close to my chest before I put it in the bag.  Grace almost liked the gift bags more than she did the gifts in them.  Yesterday I bought the ugliest bag you could imagine.  A solid rust colored bag that was not even shiny, but dull.  I laughed.  I never took Grace an ugly bag before and I planned on gushing over my selection with her, telling her how it caught my eye right away.  I thought it was just so pretty and would compliment the blanket I was taking her very well.  Blanket in the bag, and I was on my way to visit Grace.

I always text Grace's mom's cell letting her know I would be there shortly.  Most often it was Grace who had her mom's cell.  I could tell who was holding it by the response I got back.  If it was "OK" it was mom, if it was "OK dude" it was daughter.  Today it was daughter.  I never knew how I would find Grace, but most often she left me hanging at the door, pretty much begging her to let me in.  A few times I swore she was on the floor leaning back against the door as I was ringing the bell, laughing at herself for making me wait.  Today she was sitting on the porch swing, rocking her feet back and forth, smiling like the cat that ate the canary.  "What are you up to already?", I asked her.  "I just thought we could visit out here for a little bit before we go inside", she said.

It really was not that off the beaten path for us to sit out front and visit, talk about the weather, and do a little casual catch up.  Today Grace asked me if Tommy got home safely and if George was still in town with 'us'.  We visited about our tea party that my boys crashed and all the fun we had this past Saturday.  I asked Grace if she enjoyed her Sunday with her daddy.  She was exceptionally secretive about what they did together so I gave up asking her questions about it.  Grace moved on from the conversation by asking "What is in the ugly bag Jett?"  I gasped, "You think my bag is ugly?  I think its a stupid sic bag Dude."  She looked at the bag, then at me, "I do not think there is anything pretty about that bag at all."   I laughed and told her it was for later.  "Let's go write in our journals now Jett", she said as she stood up.  "This is the last day for me to tell you what to write and then my story will be told."   I was surprised by this announcement but thought about how we can use that time for fun now.

I grabbed my back pack, the ugly bag with Grace's blanket in it, and followed her into the house.  She lead me straight to her room.  I noticed Grace's barbie things sitting in the hall, just outside her bedroom.  She has not played with them as far as I knew for about a week.  I even offered but she said no, and offered up something else for us to do.  She opened the door to her bedroom, which I felt was odd it was closed in the first place.  I've never know for her bedroom door to be shut.  I followed Grace into her room and like the day I first walked into that girly girl pink room and put my system into shock, I once again found myself in the same state of shock.  There was not a trace of pink left in that room.

I walked around in disbelief, this was not Grace's room.  I asked her what she did with all her pink?  What happened to her room.  Who did this? Who turned everything green?  "Grace? Where are all your things?  Where are all your toys? And your clothes?  What did you do with everything that is yours?"

"Do you like it? I picked out all the colors.  It is a grown up room now isn't it?  Maybe sometimes you can come and stay here when you visit my mommy and my daddy."  She walked over and climbed up on the once twin bed that was now a queen size.  No more little girl room. No table and chairs.  No desk.  Even the dressers were gone and replaced with a long short dresser against the wall where the little girl desk had been.  Everything was green, various shades of green.  The carpet was now a tan beige color, absent of the heart shaped pink rugs.  The only recognizable thing in the entire room was the light oak chair next to the now huge bed that surely would swallow up this tiny angel.

"It is very nice Grace, but why was this done to your room?  You loved your pink room", I said.  Grace explained to me how she did this for her mommy and daddy.  How when she leaves her home for the last time and goes to the hospital to die, she does not want her parents to come back to this house and have to decided what to do with her room, or with her things.  "So I had my daddy take all my things to the Cancer Center for all the kids that might get to live after their treatments.  And I have my barbie things ready for you to take to Olivia.  All my pink things went to the charity center to sell and the money helps mommy's and daddy's of sick kids." 

I am immediately sick to my stomach.  I remind myself to keep my feelings in check as to not upset Grace in any way.  It proves to be difficult and does not go unnoticed by Grace.  "Jett, I did it for my mommy and daddy.  Do not be mad at me.  I want them to be OK when I leave them.  Now they will not have to feel like they should keep my room all girly and pink.  It will be a good room for guests to stay in when they visit."  I tell Grace I understand and it is a very nice room.  She did a great job decorating it and it was real nice of her to help her parents out by deciding it should be done.  With a tight hug and a smile, we get out our journals and for the last time in her little life, she will dictate the rest of her story to me, that one day will be intertwined with my side of her story and hopefully read by many many friends of ours, in a tribute to her life that she chose to share.

We are finished for the day, the final touches on her story as told by her, along with some singing and some reading and many many laughs.  Grace was laying on the new big bed in the room that was once crowded with little girl furniture and toys.  She looked so tiny, so fragile, so lost, in that big bed.  I laid down next to Grace and grabbed her hand into mine.  "Why green Dude?", I had asked her.  "It's the color of my eyes Jett.  I do not think my mommy and daddy know that is why I picked green.   I could pick any color I wanted, but I picked green.  I did that for me you know.  It makes me feel like I will be watching them from everywhere in this room when they come here to try to find me."  Grace is lying back staring at the ceiling, smiling big at her accomplishment.  I watch her as her green eyes glisten with pride in the latest task she took on to make her parents life a little easier once she is gone.

"Jett, I have one more thing I need for you to help me with before my new room is done", she said as she sat up on the bed.  I am almost fearful for what will be asked of me.  For the last three hours I have been holding back so many emotions that are building up inside of me I do not know what one tiny thing would be said that will make me lose control and release them.  "What is it Grace?"

Grace climbs off the bed and goes to her double wide sliding closet door freshly painted green like the walls.  She slides the right side door open.  "Bring your pen with you and come in here", she tells me.  I do as she asks, getting on my knees and crawling in next to her as she stands at the back wall of the closet.  Grace puts her right hand firmly against the wall, "Trace my hand for me Jett, and do it carefully. I want it to look nice you know."  I do as Grace asks me to do and when I am done and she removes her hand, there is a perfectly good replica of her tiny little hand that will never grow any bigger.  "Now put your left hand next to my outline on the wall and I will trace it for you."   When she is done and I remove my hand from the wall, in front of me I see two hands, one adult size hand with a child's hand next to it as if they belonged together, despite the size difference.  Grace hugs me as we are still inside her closet, "Thank you Jett, now it is complete."

I turn on my knees and crawl out of the closet.  Grace jumps on my back for a ride, something she has done on occasion.  I crawl to the bed and she hops off.  "I think I want to rest Jett, when you go will you tell my mommy to come see me?", she asks.  I kiss Grace on the cheek and tell her I think she did a beautiful job on redoing the room for her parents.  "I will tell your mommy to come in Grace.  Get some rest and I will see you tomorrow", I tell her.

Grace has slipped under the green comforter and has closed her eyes.  She looked tired I thought, even more so then when I first came over today.  I gather up my backpack and reach for the ugly bag, deciding I would rather take it home now and just let the green room stay green.  "Leave the ugly bag here Jett", she says as her eyes are still closed.  I put the bag back down on the floor, sitting it next to her pink kicks and leave her room.  After talking with her mom and telling her Grace would like her to come to her room I leave the house.  I force myself to get in my truck, start it up, and leave.  I tell myself do not hesitate, do not stick around, just drive.

The thoughts that are going through my mind make me sick to my stomach.  The words spoken by Grace were etched in my mind.  "This will be the last day for me to tell you what to write ..." , "I did it for my  mommy and my daddy" , " I want them to be OK when I leave".   The color green, like her eyes.  The two hands that will never get any bigger traced in the back of her closet.  My heart is filled with sadness which puzzles me due to how much love Grace has filled it with.   My eyes are filled with tears, even though I am not supposed to cry.  How tired she looked today, a little paler, the shadows around her eyes a bit darker.  She gave away almost every item of her belongings.

Grace was putting the finishing touches on her life.  She was preparing us for life without her on earth.  She was leaving her mark in the only place she has ever called home.  Grace was at peace with herself.  She was ready to go and was helping the rest of us get ready to let her go.  It is hard not to be selfish when it comes to my little friend.  I do not want to let her go, as if it is my choice to say stay or go.

I acted like I did not see the newest bruises on Grace's head today.  I did not ask her about them and I did my best to over look them and focus on those green eyes that sparkled with excitement today.  She never complains about any pain, so I can only hope she is without it.  That Joey truly is with her and is easing the pain of headaches for her until she will rely on morphine to help her quietly and painlessly slip away from us and go to 'God's Park'.

The beginning of the end  is here, and there is no turning back time now.  I have to trust that the beginning of eternity for Grace will be a happy pleasant experience and push my broken heart aside and work on letting her go, to move forward with the courage and grace she has shown throughout the short time our lives have touched.

I can do this, I just do not want to. 

Amazing Grace XXIX: Fun With Friends

My two best guy friends were rolling in on Saturday, and the three of us were going to spend some time with Grace.  She had first met my boys on the Saturday that she visited me and the Misfits at my house.  Grace really likes meeting the different people in my life, and they all loved her like a little sister.  Once she meets them in person or by creeping them on my facebook page, she continuously will ask me about them, always looking for an update.

Geo Metro (George) arrived early on Saturday and together we hit up Logan International Airport to retrieve Tommy.  If ever three guys did not look like they belonged together, it was Geo, Tommy, and myself.  Grace would relate us to the Three Bears by the end of the day.  I at least got to be Papa Bear to Geo's Mama Bear and Tommy's Baby Bear.  After leaving Grace's for the day, we joked around that we were more like the Three Pigs than the Three Bears.

I did not tell Grace my boys would be with me on this Saturday, knowing she would be excited to see them again.  I also did not tell my boys that the plan today was for Grace and I to have a tea party.  I love surprises, especially when they are not for me.  Grace was out back on their deck when we got there.  I peeked around the corner and watched her for a few seconds as she put a pitcher of lemonade on the table next to a plate of cookies.  Two glasses and two plates.  She is going to be so surprised when she sees the boys.

We round the corner of the house and approach the deck stairs as Grace turns to go back into her house.  The three of us just standing at the bottom of the deck stairs looking at our little hostess.  "Hi George", she says as if Tommy and I are not standing next to him, "would you like to join our tea party?"  Of course Geo says yes adding "Do you mind if Tommy has some tea with us?"  We walk up the stairs to the deck.  Geo gets a huge hug, then Grace walks over to Tommy, "Hi Tommy, I did not know you would be here today either."  He gets a hug.  "Jett, go get two more of everything for our tea party", she says.  I laugh, shake my head, and go get two more glasses and two more plates for our cookies.  I think to myself, 'was it not just yesterday that she told me Katie from the fourth grade could NEVER have me as her boyfriend?'

I visit for a few minutes with Grace's mom, who tells me about how excited Grace was about her school experience yesterday.  She feels me in on how Grace's health is holding up, letting me know that there are a few more tender spots on her head, marked by slight bruising.  A sign of tumors growing, she tells me, but Grace has not once complained about headaches, or pain.  "You better go save your friends from her sassy ways", she says.  A quick hug for this mommy who looks more worn down and tired each time I see her, and I am off for my tea party.

I stop at the door before going out onto the deck, noticing several things about this tea party for two that has become tea for four.  First off, she has seated George on one side of her, and Tommy on the other.  I've been ousted as the main squeeze here.  Secondly, in front of Geo, is my glass of 'tea' and my plate of cookies.  It is clear to me, Georgie is stealing my show out there.  I take the extra settings to the table and pour myself and Tommy a drink.  "Thank you Jett", she says, "I may have to have you get more cookies from my mommy for us.  George likes them."   I look at Tommy and we both roll our eyes.  This could be a long tea party.

Our visit went well, and I was happy to take a back seat to my boys and just enjoy watching how Grace interacted with them.  She fits into my "Misfits" family almost as if she has been one of us forever.  I very much enjoy the times when friends can sit around and just laugh and joke and poke fun at each other.  Almost as if there is not a care in the world, and all is golden.  You wouldn't really think that three 19 plus year old dudes would have so much in common with an eight year old girly girl.  If you were with us on this Saturday morning on this sunny day sitting on the deck, you would think different.

The talk went from fishing and hockey to barbies and pink kicks and everywhere under the sun from there.  Grace did a great job pulling information out about all of us that even the closest of three friends did not know.  She sat back in that deck chair with her feet dangling in the air from too short of legs to touch the wood below her.  She had her arms from her elbows to the palm of her hands resting on the chairs arms.  She went from one of us to the other to the next, hold our attention, making sure she shared herself equally with the three of us. 

Then it was time for Grace to practice what she loved best about people.  "I want to read your eyes, all of you", she announced, "Jett, clear our table for our game."   No please, no thank you, just do it houseboy.  She makes me smile, but I love her comfort level with me.  I clear the table while Grace explains to my boys about the little thing we do reading each others eyes.  I returned to the deck with Grace sitting on the table, staring at Geo.  I listen as she 'reads' his eyes.  "Your eyes tell me you are a fun guy George.  I see in your eyes that you are going to be married someday and have babies. Lots of them, so many you won't know what to do with them all.  When you do George, will you give one to my mommy and daddy to love like they loved me?"  She gets a hug from George, no words, just a hug.

Grace moves over to where I have taken my seat around the table again.  She sits in front of me, eye to eye.  "Boyfriend, you stay away from Katie.  You better marry Kristy and when you have babies, you can name one Jenny, like I would name my baby, if I got to live to be old as you guys are", she said, "I can see in your eyes that you are sad still.  Do not be sad for me boyfriend.  Do not cry for me.  I mean it Dude."

Grace moves over in front of Tommy and when she is sitting head on, eyes to eyes in front of him, he closes his eyes.  Grace grabs either side of of his face with her tiny little hands that will never get any bigger.  "Tommy, you open your eyes to play this game", she commanded.  Tommy squeezed his eyes shut tighter, "I don't want you to see babies in my eyes."   She takes his lid off him and puts it on her head, backwards, like she often will wear one of mine.  She takes her fingers on both hands and pries open Tommy's eyes.  "No, there are no babies in there but I see a barrel of monkeys", she tells him.  "Tommy, you be good to your mommy.  I can see in your eyes that someday you will make her very proud of you."

If you knew Tommy, and if you knew his relationship with his mom, you would think that Grace was really reading his eyes.  "OK", is all he can mutter.  Grace continues on, "I know you are scared for me Tommy.  I do not want you to be.  It does not hurt you know", she tells him.  Tommy's eyes were not the only ones to fill up with tears at that moment.  This little girl, sitting on that table, surrounded by the Three Bears, was saying goodbye to two of them.  In not so many words the message was clear.  I help Grace off the table to the deck.  "I am tired now", she says, "thank you for coming to see me today."

Grace gives Tommy and Geo extra tight hugs and again she thanks them for coming.  "I'm really happy I got to know you.  Take care of Jett for me, and make sure Kristy is the girl he marries.  Please please please do not let it be Katie from fourth grade.  She is all wrong for my boyfriend."  I follow Grace into her house to say goodbye for the day.   I know I will see her again, but I cannot help but wonder which day in the next 21 or so days will be the one where Grace administers a final hug to me.  I thank her for the real nice tea party and accepting my boys into our day.  Once Grace is laying in her bed, laid back and comfortable I kiss her on the cheek and let her know I would stop by tomorrow to see how she is doing.  "Jett?", she says.  "Dude?", I respond.  "Kristy", she says sternly.  I smile as I turn to leave my bossy sassy 'girlfriend'.

The ride back to my house was quiet, not a word was spoken.  I am sure the lumps in our throats put there by this child of God would remain there for quite some time.  It's not the words she spoke, or the hugs she gave.  It was not the laughs we shared, or the fun pokes we made at each other.  It was the Amazing Grace that just filled our hearts with as much love as she could in the four hours of her life she just shared with us.  Grace set the scene for a remarkable example of what life is about.

Keep on living, until you die.  Do not stop and weep on what is to come or you will miss precious moments such as these.  For it is better to have love and lost, then to never have loved at all.