I could make a mile long list of what not to say to a person grieving the death of their mother. The only thing worse than saying the wrong thing, is saying nothing at all. Depending on how you fit into the life of the grieving person weighs heavy on their hearts. I remember when my mom past away there were many people who only knew me in passing, mostly at school. They were so kind with their simple condolences. Hugs from the girls, nods for the guys. A brief but uncomplicated "I'm really sorry about your loss." I always felt that was so appropriate and thanked them for their kind thoughts. There, said and done and we could all move pass the uncomfortable stage of whether or not to acknowledge my loss. I needed nothing more from these casual acquaintances in my life.
There were those in my life that were more than a casual acquaintance but not really considered a friend. Those I had direct interactions with, fellow students who were in my classes every day. They also expressed to me how sorry they were that my mom died and they also asked me several times for a few weeks how I was doing. I knew they meant well but I also knew they really didn't want to hear the details of how broken my heart was. They knew it was, they were concerned enough to ask and I appreciated that level of concern even though I would tell them I was doing OK and it was kind of them to ask. I also was able to move on with these more then casual people in my life. It was important for them and I that we all moved on in our studies. I needed nothing more from this group of people when it came to my grief.
My professors and close classmates were a bit tougher to deal with daily. They knew me well and were comfortable enough to not only ask how I was doing but also felt they should follow through with a bit of advice on the unsettled death of my mom in my heart. "You know she is in a better place" , "It gets easier with time" , "You will feel better in a couple months" , "Things will be back to normal before you know it". They all meant well but after you hear those phrases for two or three months straight you really would just rather of them had not said them at all. It's been over two years since my mom died and I still don't feel better, things will never be normal again, it hasn't gotten easier, and even though I feel she is in a better place doesn't mean I don't wish she were still here with me. But I understand the discomfort of watching someone you know in so much pain that a band aid could never fix.
My Misfit family was right there for me. One thing about families, when it comes to grieving, they really are the only ones who get the pain. You are comfortable with them when you cry from the pain, laugh from the memories and get angry in the absence of the one you love. All the emotions you feel, they know them well because they also feel them. Your family accepts each emotion you go through as you go through it. They never leave you and you are ok with their hugs and words because at some point you get to give them right back to them. When it comes to grieving your family can say no wrong, do not wrong.
Your best friends are the hardest part of your grieving broken heart. There is nothing they can say or do to comfort you. They want to help, but there is no helping. We want them to help but we don't want to trouble them. We want to cry with them, we want to hug them, we want them to tell us we will be ok. Your best friends are the ones that are supposed to be there for you at all cost. Stand by you through it all. Sacrifice everything to support you in your grief no matter how long it takes you to 'get back to normal'. They understand the stages, the denial, the depression, the bargaining with your faith, the anger, the shock, the guilt, and finally the acceptance.
Your best friend is supposed to be there from the beginning when the shock of the death sets in. They should share stories of the final days of your mom's life, ask the hard questions. "Did she suffer? Was she at peace? Did you find closure?"
Your best friend is supposed to be there when you slip into denial that your mother is gone. They should be there to ease you back into reality asking you the tough questions. "That was a beautiful service do you feel your mom would have been pleased with it? Have you visited your mom at her resting place, do you find peace there?"
Your best friend should help you through the anger in your heart. Force you to think about what is making you angry. Letting you know that anger is real and it is ok to be upset. Ask the questions no one else would dare to ask. "Are you upset with God for taking your mom home? Are you angry with your mom for leaving you?"
Your best friend should challenge you when you bargain with God in hopes of Him returning your mom to you. Ask you how you are coping with letting her go or are you asking God to turn back time. "You are not making deals with the devil are you? You are still faithful and trusting in God's plan for your mom right?"
Your best friend should recognize the guilt you face in what you could have done better. Ask you enough questions that make you realize you did all you could do and it was just time for her to go. "You know you could not have done anything any better then what you did right? You did a great job seeing your mom through her illness and poor health, you realize this don't you?"
Your best friend should realize when depression is setting in and pull you out of that. Your best friend should be there for you when you are at your lowest, when you are the most lost in your grief for your mom. Your best friend should never have to ask if you are depressed, they should be next to you as you fall through it and rise up again. Your best friend should ask enough questions to help you realize you need to lift up and celebrate the time you had with your mom so you can remember the love she had for you. "Your mom would be so proud of how you are taking care of your dad, do you feel she would be? You have such great memories of your moms life in your heart, do you feel her in your heart?"
When you start accepting your mom is gone and that void will be forever in your life, it is your best friend who should help you realize that your mom is still in your heart and her soul is still alive. Your best friend should never stop talking to you about your mom. Sharing memories, the great ones and the not so great ones, is an important part of the hope that one day you will be with her again. Your best friend should never shy away from accepting your moms death with you. Your best friend should forever make sure to ask you about your mom. "I think about your mom so much, I know you do to, are you finding peace in the memories? Do you want to talk about your mom or go see your mom today?"
When my mom died I had a few great friends who forced me to get through the grieving process by helping me relive my mom's life. They understood my anger, my frustration and they allowed me to cry and often cried with me. They have never stopped asking me how I was doing. They acknowledge the day she died with phone calls and cards. They never forget, they never let me down. They surrounded me when I needed them near me and even when I did not. They force their way in especially on the days I miss her the most. They don't ask, they just know. They get that the grieving process never really ends and the seven stages come and go randomly.
