Hope: Can Big Love Turn Into Hate? (Part 2)

 Oh the ride home from Carlos' after our discussion about love so strong it turns into hate I thought a lot about my hatred for my birth dad.  The father who mentally, physically and sexually abused not only me but my three older brothers and our mother as well.  I turned on the radio in my car to try to clear my head of all the memories I wished would disappear forever.  I just wanted to forget about the past and focus on all the fun I had today, hanging with my two little buddies and watching them enjoy all that is good in a world that turns hearts cold and love into hate.  A song came on that I was not to familiar with although I had heard it before.  I switched stations to once again avoid what deep down in my heart I knew to be true.  Within minutes of turning the station, the same song came on again.  

I remember prior to the age of seven a dad who would laugh with us, play with us, hug us goodnight.  Almost as quickly as those memories invade my thought process they turn cold.  Once again the memories of the abuse seep back into my brain triggering seven years of fear, sadness, confusion and abuse at the hands of the father that became a stranger to me.  The man that loved me for the first seven years and hated me for the next seven years.  Memories of days of sunshine that were clouded over by shadows in my nights.  When the shadows went away I was left with thoughts of wanting my dad back again.  The dad that loved me so much he would never think of hurting me.  The dad that loved me so much he would never let anyone hurt me.  The dad that hugged me goodnight then turned out my light giving me the feeling of being safe and waking up to the hug of my mom.  

I remember thinking on the ride home, hearing this song, how accurately the words repeated  the seven years of abuse I was subject to when my dad loved me so much it turned into hate.  How all I really wanted in my life was my birth dad to love me like he used to.  The many ways I tried to show him how much I loved him in hopes of him showing me how much he loved me.  The years that followed where my want for his love, and my love for him, turned to hate for him.  How until the day he died, deep down in the depths of my heart, buried under all my love for everyone else in my life, was a little space I kept open for him, in case one day, he decided to love me again. A space only a father could reach and only a father could fill.

The lyric to this song describes a void in my life in a space in my heart I set aside for a love that could never reach it.  Until I invited God into my life, who invaded that space and filled it with a love so strong, He was willing to let his son die on a cross to prove to me HE LOVED ME THAT MUCH.

"I Love You This Much"
(Jimmy Wayne) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLFISIdH8g
He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't keep him from wanting
Or worshipping him

He guesses he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt
Standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering daddy
I want you to know

 (Chorus)

I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much 

He grew to hate him for what he had done
'cause what kind of father
Could do that to his son?
He said 'damn you daddy'
The day that he died
The man didn't blink
But the little boy cried

[Chorus:]

 

Half way through the service
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at him

He said
'forgive me father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to know
[Chorus:]

To my little friend Carlos:  When God is in your heart, there is nothing that can turn love into hate.  You loved Manny enough to die for him if you could, just as Jesus loved his father enough, and us enough, to die for us so that we may live.  When God is in our hearts, we have no reason to hate.  You can never love big enough to hate when you let God in.  You are never alone, and when you feel the need to show the world how much you love, stretch out your arms and wrap them around the world and show them "I love you this much".

To my little angel Gracie:  :-)   I just filled my heart with a little more love today and it is no where near full!  I keep working on it to prove your theory that as humans we use very little of the space in our hearts and if the world would work on filling it up to its full capacity this world would be a better place!

Hope: Can Big Love Turn Into Hate? (Part 1)

A love so strong, nothing in the world could fix what went wrong ...

Carlos was in grade 4 last year when his little brother Manny, who was in kindergarten, died from the result of a tricycle accident.  I was student teaching 3rd and 4th graders at the time and more then a year later I still remember the tragedy of it all for not only Carlos and his mom, but for the entire 3rd and 4th grade class.  I taught both classes an hour a day, focusing on the English language, and often combining the classes when the lesson could be directed to both grades.

One of the combined class projects was to make cards, write letters, or draw art to give to my little Amazing Gracie.  I had talked to these students often about Gracie and her fate with terminal brain cancer.  I had also talked often to Gracie about my 3rd and 4th graders.  My students could not believe that Gracie missed going to school and being with her friends and Gracie would have given anything if it made it possible for her to go back to school and be with the normal kids.

I remember how sad Gracie was for Carlos, losing his little brother like he had.  He was always the first one she would ask me about when I would visit her.  She was very concerned about his heartd and his happiness.  Carlos was intrigued by Gracie's fate and although he was extremely sad for her having to die so young, he wanted so deeply for her to find his little brother Manny and make sure that Manny had found their daddy who went to heaven shortly after Manny was born.

Two little humans, both of their lives effected by death at such a young age.  Hers by her own soon to be death, his by the death of a little brother.  Two little kids whose paths crossed because death had pushed their paths together.  One of Gracie's Pinky Promises with me was that I was to keep Carlos in my life, be his friend, make sure he is OK.  In return, Gracie would find Manny and Carlos' dad and make sure they were together in heaven.  I have kept that Pinky Promise, and I and Carlos have remained in each others life.

I hung out with Carlos today, going to his Scout meeting, picking up my nephew Lil Dude, going out for lunch and then the three of us playing catch in the fresh outdoor air.  I was sure Gracie was watching from a big white fluffy cloud today and I imagined sitting next to her was Manny and his daddy.  I knew Gracie had been hanging close to me and the proof to me was when my niece Olivia drug the barbie dolls Gracie left to her over so I could play barbies with her.  When I saw that pink doll case she was carrying as she walked into Papa's house I could almost hear Gracie laughing.  She loved making me play barbies when I visited her at her house before her journey ended here on earth.

When we decided we had played enough catch for the day we hooked ourselves up with a rootbeer float and then it was time to take Lil Dude home.  I liked how close Lid Dude and Carlos were becoming and watching them knuckle bump goodbyes to each other showed how solid their friendship was becoming. On the drive to take Carlos home he grew increasingly quiet.  I could sense something was on his mind but he was hesitant to talk to me about anything outside of the fun day we shared together.  It wasn't until after we had gotten into his house and sat down to rest for a few minutes that Carlos decided to tell me what was on his mind.

"You know the Boston Bomber Boys?  The ones that killed and hurt people in our city?" he asked me.  "Yeah Carlos, I watched a lot of news about all that."  I replied to him.  "Well they were brothers", he said.  "I know Carlos, they said the younger brother loved his brother so much he agreed to help him do this to our city", I told Carlos.

Carlos sat in silence for a couple of minutes, I could tell he was thinking deep.  I asked him, "Are you OK Carlos?"   When he looked up at me I could see a great deal of sadness in his eyes, the same sadness I remember seeing the first time I saw him after his little brothers accident.  "Jett", he said, "I loved Manny enough to never want him to get in trouble or hurt anyone."  Big old tears were in Carlos' eyes and I could see they were about to fall out and roll down his little cheeks.  "You loved your brother big Carlos and you were a great big brother to Manny."  With tears rolling down his cheeks, the now 5th grade soon to be 6th grade student said, "The big brother should of loved the little brother more then the little brother loved the big brother and nothing would of happened bad to our city."

We visited for a while longer, with me answering questions that Carlos had about the brothers as best I could.  It was difficult to explain that kind of brotherly love to Carlos, a love so strong that you were willing to such a great act of evil against others that did you no harm.  A love so strong between brothers that one was willing to drag the other through hell and one that was willing to follow a path so dark he would surely spend a long time in God's Park before he gained access to God's eternal life of happiness and peace.  A love so strong it turned to hate.

Carlos was worried about brotherly bonds and brotherly love.  He was trying to understand how you can lead someone you loved so much into a life of hatred for others.  "Manny died because someone ran over him on accident Jett, and if I could have been the one to get runned over I would have done that for Manny because I loved him that much", Carlos reasoned.  "I know Carlos, you loved him big", I offered, "but what the terrorist brothers did for each other was not the same.  You loved Manny enough to die so he could live.  The brothers loved each other enough to let others die and did not care if either one of themselves lived or died."

After a few more minutes of conversation and recapping the great amount of fun Carlos and I had with Lil Dude today and Carlos assuring me he was OK we parted ways.  We would see each other again next Saturday when we go to Carlos' scout meeting.  We said our goodbyes with a hug and a knuckle bump.  I spoke briefly with Carlos' mom letting her know what was weighing heavily on Carlos mind today.  Headed home I thought about our discussion and I hoped I did well enough at explaining things to Carlos to provide him with a bit of comfort over his confusion over hate and love.  I wasn't so sure I understood it myself.

The devastation left behind from this recent act of terrorism goes beyond the deaths of four citizens, beyond the injuries of the nearly 300 Boston Marathon runners and supporters, beyond the family and friends of those effected by this tragedy.  It has reached the minds and hearts of the little's in the world that cannot understand how you can love someone enough to watch them die.  How you can love someone so much you follow them through their hatred for life and the lives of others.  The kids that were afraid to go to school for fear the bad guys would come and shoot them, the kids that were afraid to go outside and play for fear they would get blown up.  The kid who loved his brother so much he would die for him, left wondering how a brother could love you so much he would ask you to sacrifice your life for him.

... I love you this much ...