When my friend Connor died of a drug overdose I accused him of suicide. (Connor's End) I felt that he knew where his life style was taking him. I never understood what it was about life that Connor felt the need to mask it with alcohol and drugs. We had that discussion many times and he always came back at me with how abnormal it was for a guy my age to not care to drink alcohol when I was out with my friends that did. Me and my buddy's used to roam around looking for bums to give them a meal and direct them to places that could help them. I told Connor on many occasions that this is where he was going to end up in life if he didn't start appreciating the life he had. Connor always smiled and said "you'll take care of me, not to worry."
Connor had both his parents, still married to one another, and two sisters, one older then he and one younger. They were a Christian based family and they prayed together and they played together. I always admired their family life, how well they loved and supported one another. I still think about what he was lacking in life that he wanted to party himself into the ground. I remember receiving the call informing me that Connor was dead. While it hurt my heart deeply it did not come as a great shock.
Me and my buddy's all watched helplessly as it happened. Night and Day were the nicknames that the other guys gave us, because that's exactly how different we were. Maybe that is why I loved Connor so much, because he was everything I could never be, and maybe that is why he loved me back, because I was everything he chose not to be. He was good friend and I still visit his grave almost twice a month. I still call his mom now and again to let her know I'm thinking of them and on occasion I run into one of his sisters and catch up with life as they know it without the ConMan.
LIVE * LAUGH * LOVE ~ LIVE * LAUGH * LOVE ~ LIVE * LAUGH * LOVE
When my friend Ce'dric took his own life I was really angry with him. (Ce'dric's Final Days) I am still very much angry with him and continue to try to wrap my head around why he would leave behind the life he had as well. Ce'dric left behind his mom (who has since died) and the dad that adopted him at a young age when his birth dad was killed in an accident. He also left behind two younger half-brothers, Adrain and Avery. I know he took his own life because the love of his life, Alana, had taken her own life and he just could not imagine life beyond her. But he had so much more to live for and so many people who wanted, and needed, him on earth. So I want to know why?
Like Connor, I skated with Ce'dric and we all hung in that same crowd. I was with Ce'dric when he first saw Alana and announced that is the girl he was going to marry. They were together for two years and her death by her own hands was as much of a surprise to him as his was to those that loved him. Ce'dric, like Connor, had a great family life. Christians that kept God alive in their daily activities. Ce'dric used to joke around with me that most of his prayers were that the trouble he found would pass silently as he prayed to God for his help. Prior to meeting Alana Ce'dric also used to like to tip one back with the boys and like Connor he also never understood why a guy my age had no desire to throw a few back now and then. That all changed when Alana entered his life.
Ce'dric's suicide defined a new kind of anger inside of me. One I just really feel will be with me forever. I loved him, he was a great great friend to me and I took it personal that I had no clue that he was planning on taking his own life. After Alana died I contacted the suicide hotline to ask what clues you look for in someone who may be suicidal. I monitored Ce'dric as close as I could and when I felt he was not in a suicidal thought process I let my guard down. I try to find comfort in knowing he intentionally kept his thoughts from me but I have trouble getting by the lies he told and the things he hid from not just me, but all those who loved him.
I guess after little Amazing Gracie shared her final months with me I felt everyone should give me that same privilege. Time for me to prepare for my loved ones moving on to an Eternal Life with God, and advanced notice. Maybe I was just feeling guilty because I had no idea what was taking place in his heart. Maybe I was just hurt because I felt we were better friends then he had shown me. Maybe I was scared because who else is hiding such pain and sadness from me.
Ce'dric's suicide was not about me. I have to come to terms with that. I have to remember that when my day arrives, my reckoning, that just inside those pearly gates he will be standing there waiting for me. Smiling big with a hockey stick in one hand for him and one in the other hand for me and our friendship will continue where it left off. Probably with Connor and his guilty grin right along side him. He did not do this to hurt me. He did not do this because I was not a good friend to him. He did not do this for any other reason then he felt this was his way out of a pain that no one could ever feel, or see, but himself. I have to respect the decision he made even though I do not like what he did. I cannot keep the fire of anger burning because of how I feel. I cannot keep trying to reason with the blame I feel for his death, because his suicide, his death, his decision, was not about me.
What is about me is how I move forward from not just Connor and Ce'dric's deaths but from all the deaths I have experienced with the loved ones in my life. We all have our own cross to bear in life, in fact we will have to bear many crosses. We will each have our own struggles in life and we will each have to choose how we deal with them. We have to take care of us. We have to figure out our own happiness and not let others lack of it define how we move through our journey on earth. Not all days will be sunny and breezy but there will be a lot more sunshine in our lives if we let others decisions go. We need to realize they are living their own life and we are not responsible for the outcome, we can just be there to support them through whatever they are going through.
It won't be easy and I know there will be days where the anger and pain surface, but I cannot let it hold me back from my dreams and my goals. It is not fair to myself or to those still with me for me to carry other peoples sadness inside of me. Individual happiness is not something that anyone can give you. Individual happiness is something you have to decide you want inside of you. While someone someday will come a long and make you happier, they will not be able to provide you with the happiness you need for everyday survival. That happiness can only come from what you make of it. It's difficult to not worry about what others think of you or how others feel you should live your life. What you can do, is not let anyone steal a moment of your happiness away from you.
Rest In Peace my family and friends in heaven. Guide me to brighter days where my walk on earth is free of troubles and pain. I will see you at the Pearly Gates and we can continue where we left off before your journey in eternity took you to a peaceful slumber.
