Having faith does not mean you will never experience negative emotions or never have days that you feel defeated. Having faith means you will eventually allow God to carry you through those times when life on earth seems to much to handle.
We are reminded of this in the popular poem "FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND", or as Grace and I used to say "HAND PRINTS ON YOUR HEART". I had printed the poem out to take with me on one of my visits to Grace while she was still receiving treatments for her brain cancer. Grace felt that although it was a beautiful poem, it only reached those that ever experienced a walk on the beach. So we threw around some other ideas of how to reach everyone with the concept of God always being with us. "Well everyone has a heart Jett, and God touches everyone even if they do not feel it", she would say. So she decided that we would come up with a poem about hand prints on your heart to let everyone know that you are never alone if you let God be your friend.
I often talked to Grace about God during the 'interview' portions of our visits. I was fascinated by how strong Grace's belief in God was, considering her parents were catholic, but not practicing catholics. They hardly ever attended Sunday services and it was not a common conversation for them in their home. When I visited Grace at her home there were obvious signs of religion in their house, but it was more in the lines of decorations than it was to honor our Lord. There were crosses throughout the home hung on walls in various rooms. When you walked into their dinning area there was a beautiful art wall hanging of the Last Supper. In the hallway there was a picture of the Blessed Mary holding baby Jesus above a shelf holding two angel statues. It was obvious to me that they believed in God but what I would learn from getting to know this family was that they silently believed in God's plan for eternal life. I do not believe they felt their faith would be so strongly tested when they learned that their only child, a beautiful daughter, would be taken from them in such a short time.
Prior to Grace's final breaths on earth I would spend many hours laying in bed during the night admiring the strength and courage they displayed for everyone to witness as Grace's life was slowly being taken from them. It is not that I had never seen them break down on occasion when the emotion of the day or the challenge of the treatments was just more than they could grasp in one day. It's the strength in which they mustered up to keep moving forward, day after day, knowing that those days were running out. Balancing the day they would perhaps experience the greatest loss of life they ever will, with maintaining the quality of the days they still had to spend with Grace.
I watched as Bill adored and loved and connected with his 'daddies little girl' as if he would one day surrender her to the boy who would steal the part of her heart that daddy did not occupy. I watched as Annie mothered and continued to groom her beautiful daughter as if one day she would wear the crown of a princess. I also watched as Bill would break down outside the room his daughter received her treatments in after listening to Grace give me instructions on how to help her mommy and daddy through the days following her death. I also watched as Annie become exhausted to the point of tears after countless hours of running her household in an effort to keep it free of germs to protect her fragile baby girl.
It had been three weeks since Gracie left her journey on earth and started her journey of eternal life in heaven. It has been over a week since I had last seen her parents, when we went fishing and spent a few hours together out on the boat. I walked away that day considering them life long friends with the promise of keeping in touch with them and making sure the three of us were doing OK considering the little girl we can no longer hug outside our hearts was gone. Today I would met up with them for a bite to eat and a visit. Today I would reveal to them the video that Gracie had made for them.
Why today? Pinky Promise: "Give them my video between my mommy's birthday and father's day. That is when I would like them to have it. It is my gift to them. You have to do it for me."
So today I grabbed the package we had put the video in with a homemade card attached to it and headed off to meet Bill and Annie. I was anxious to see them for many reasons. The selfish reason was because I miss Gracie so much and seeing them meant I was still a part of her life, even though she is no longer with us. I had stopped and bought two cards, one for Annie's birthday which was on Friday and one for Bill for Father's Day which was on Sunday. Birthdays and holidays still existed, even if the reason for them was not present in the being. I knew it was just as much for me, as it was for them, that I was doing this. The connection the three of us had in our hearts was enough for me to want to hang on to these two new friends in my life, I needed them, and I felt they also needed me.
Greetings with hugs and smiles, ordering our meals and drinks, and we were engaged in the how we were doing conversations we all had anticipated. I felt they were doing remarkably well for the loss they so recently suffered. They had found the drawings that were done in Grace's closet and we talked about that for a while. They had found many notes around their home that Gracie had written and hid for them. I assured them they would be finding many more and told them she worked endlessly on them and how she had me smuggle post-it notes to her and how she had me on the search for certain colors for certain days. We shared many laughs about how well she controlled my every move. I told them how I missed her sassy bossy ways and would find myself laughing to myself when something reminded me of a time where she would order me to do this or do that.
Annie began to tell me that she has started to read the blogs just this past week. She was very weepy as she talked about them. I could tell it was hard for her to read them and I felt a little bad about that. I told her I was happy she was finding the strength to read them and talked about how Gracie was 90% in control of what we wrote in "our" blogs. How I had to read them to her after each one we published and how I would read emails and messages that were sent to "us" about them from family, friends, and strangers. I reminded Annie that Grace got much enjoyment out of them and that this whole process was started when she asked me if I would help her write the story of her life. I told her it was very hard on me emotionally to work on the blogs but that I would not trade those moments back in time for anything in the world.
I also let Annie know it was OK if she felt she could not finish reading them, and even if one day when the story of Gracie is published she did not feel it was a book she could read, I completely understood. I also reminded her that it is not me she had to reckon with, it was Gracie. After all, I told her, I had to go fishing per Gracie and it was one of my most least favorite things to do in the world. I at least got her to smile today, but I think Annie was just having a day where she felt defeated in her efforts to celebrate the life Grace had lived, verses the short time she was with us to live it. And that's OK because I know that Annie believes in God, and trusts in God's plan for us, and understands she does not walk alone in her pain.
We sat and visited for almost two hours when I decided to give them the cards from me, as well as the CD that contained a message to them from Grace. As soon as Annie took it out of the bag she put that CD against her heart and hugged it tight. It was as if she were holding Grace close to her, in that little CD. I knew it would be hard for them to watch, but I also knew it would bring them much joy in the end. It would be a gift they would treasure forever, just like all the memories provided to them in the eight plus years they were able to spend with their daughter. We have more hugs, and more smiles, and shed a few more tears together before departing for the day. They would invite me to stop by the house anytime I felt I needed a visit, or just to stop in and sit for a few minutes to let them know how I was doing. We would say goodbye for the day, all of OK. All of us holding on to the faith each of us held in God's decision to reach down and guide Grace home to him.
It would be about four hours later today that my phone would beep. I looked down to see that I had a message from "Amazing Grace". I opened it up, knowing it was from Annie's number. "You and Gracie did a beautiful job making our CD gift. Thank you." It made me smile for several reasons, one being that it had to have made them smile and remember some fun times with Gracie. The second being, that somewhere up above, sat Gracie on a cloud with her feet hanging over, probably next to my brother Joey, smiling huge with sparkly green eyes, another Pinky Promise complete.
I text back a smiling face to Annie, put down my phone, and walked out to the back deck of the Misfit house. I laid back in the lawn chair and closed my eyes. I felt the warm sun shine down on my face, with a slight breeze passing by. With my eyes closed I see a shadow pass over my face. I open my eyes and look up to see a big white fluffy cloud drift by overhead. I found myself eyeballing around the edges of the cloud, looking for a pair or two of feet hanging over. I saw none, but that doesn't mean they were not there.
Footprints in the sand or hand prints on the heart, look at it anyway you wish, but today I know I do not walk alone. I'm going to be OK. We are all going to be OK.
"Hand Prints On Your Heart: by Amazing Grace
(with help from the boy with the funny name, Jett)
When I feel all alone like no one else is with me.
I just look inside my heart to see what I can see.
There is lots of love there, from all the days gone by.
So many people love me it makes me want to cry.
On the days I feel all alone like no one cares about me.
I just look inside my heart to see what I can see.
So much love lives in there it almost overflows.
So many people love me and it just grows and grows.
When I get sad and my heart feels really empty.
I think of all the wishes all my friends have sent me.
They may never have even met me or know who I really am.
But they left their hand prints on my heart, and now they are my friends.
So when your day is really sad and you think you are alone.
Put your hand to your chest and feel the love you own.
Feel the hand prints of the people who really do care.
They left them there to show you how to love and share.
Hand prints on your heart will never go away,
So don't be sad and lonely, go on and enjoy your day.
You are loved by many, even more than you could know.
For many people leave them there, to help you love and grow.
We are reminded of this in the popular poem "FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND", or as Grace and I used to say "HAND PRINTS ON YOUR HEART". I had printed the poem out to take with me on one of my visits to Grace while she was still receiving treatments for her brain cancer. Grace felt that although it was a beautiful poem, it only reached those that ever experienced a walk on the beach. So we threw around some other ideas of how to reach everyone with the concept of God always being with us. "Well everyone has a heart Jett, and God touches everyone even if they do not feel it", she would say. So she decided that we would come up with a poem about hand prints on your heart to let everyone know that you are never alone if you let God be your friend.
I often talked to Grace about God during the 'interview' portions of our visits. I was fascinated by how strong Grace's belief in God was, considering her parents were catholic, but not practicing catholics. They hardly ever attended Sunday services and it was not a common conversation for them in their home. When I visited Grace at her home there were obvious signs of religion in their house, but it was more in the lines of decorations than it was to honor our Lord. There were crosses throughout the home hung on walls in various rooms. When you walked into their dinning area there was a beautiful art wall hanging of the Last Supper. In the hallway there was a picture of the Blessed Mary holding baby Jesus above a shelf holding two angel statues. It was obvious to me that they believed in God but what I would learn from getting to know this family was that they silently believed in God's plan for eternal life. I do not believe they felt their faith would be so strongly tested when they learned that their only child, a beautiful daughter, would be taken from them in such a short time.
Prior to Grace's final breaths on earth I would spend many hours laying in bed during the night admiring the strength and courage they displayed for everyone to witness as Grace's life was slowly being taken from them. It is not that I had never seen them break down on occasion when the emotion of the day or the challenge of the treatments was just more than they could grasp in one day. It's the strength in which they mustered up to keep moving forward, day after day, knowing that those days were running out. Balancing the day they would perhaps experience the greatest loss of life they ever will, with maintaining the quality of the days they still had to spend with Grace.
I watched as Bill adored and loved and connected with his 'daddies little girl' as if he would one day surrender her to the boy who would steal the part of her heart that daddy did not occupy. I watched as Annie mothered and continued to groom her beautiful daughter as if one day she would wear the crown of a princess. I also watched as Bill would break down outside the room his daughter received her treatments in after listening to Grace give me instructions on how to help her mommy and daddy through the days following her death. I also watched as Annie become exhausted to the point of tears after countless hours of running her household in an effort to keep it free of germs to protect her fragile baby girl.
It had been three weeks since Gracie left her journey on earth and started her journey of eternal life in heaven. It has been over a week since I had last seen her parents, when we went fishing and spent a few hours together out on the boat. I walked away that day considering them life long friends with the promise of keeping in touch with them and making sure the three of us were doing OK considering the little girl we can no longer hug outside our hearts was gone. Today I would met up with them for a bite to eat and a visit. Today I would reveal to them the video that Gracie had made for them.
Why today? Pinky Promise: "Give them my video between my mommy's birthday and father's day. That is when I would like them to have it. It is my gift to them. You have to do it for me."
So today I grabbed the package we had put the video in with a homemade card attached to it and headed off to meet Bill and Annie. I was anxious to see them for many reasons. The selfish reason was because I miss Gracie so much and seeing them meant I was still a part of her life, even though she is no longer with us. I had stopped and bought two cards, one for Annie's birthday which was on Friday and one for Bill for Father's Day which was on Sunday. Birthdays and holidays still existed, even if the reason for them was not present in the being. I knew it was just as much for me, as it was for them, that I was doing this. The connection the three of us had in our hearts was enough for me to want to hang on to these two new friends in my life, I needed them, and I felt they also needed me.
Greetings with hugs and smiles, ordering our meals and drinks, and we were engaged in the how we were doing conversations we all had anticipated. I felt they were doing remarkably well for the loss they so recently suffered. They had found the drawings that were done in Grace's closet and we talked about that for a while. They had found many notes around their home that Gracie had written and hid for them. I assured them they would be finding many more and told them she worked endlessly on them and how she had me smuggle post-it notes to her and how she had me on the search for certain colors for certain days. We shared many laughs about how well she controlled my every move. I told them how I missed her sassy bossy ways and would find myself laughing to myself when something reminded me of a time where she would order me to do this or do that.
Annie began to tell me that she has started to read the blogs just this past week. She was very weepy as she talked about them. I could tell it was hard for her to read them and I felt a little bad about that. I told her I was happy she was finding the strength to read them and talked about how Gracie was 90% in control of what we wrote in "our" blogs. How I had to read them to her after each one we published and how I would read emails and messages that were sent to "us" about them from family, friends, and strangers. I reminded Annie that Grace got much enjoyment out of them and that this whole process was started when she asked me if I would help her write the story of her life. I told her it was very hard on me emotionally to work on the blogs but that I would not trade those moments back in time for anything in the world.
I also let Annie know it was OK if she felt she could not finish reading them, and even if one day when the story of Gracie is published she did not feel it was a book she could read, I completely understood. I also reminded her that it is not me she had to reckon with, it was Gracie. After all, I told her, I had to go fishing per Gracie and it was one of my most least favorite things to do in the world. I at least got her to smile today, but I think Annie was just having a day where she felt defeated in her efforts to celebrate the life Grace had lived, verses the short time she was with us to live it. And that's OK because I know that Annie believes in God, and trusts in God's plan for us, and understands she does not walk alone in her pain.
We sat and visited for almost two hours when I decided to give them the cards from me, as well as the CD that contained a message to them from Grace. As soon as Annie took it out of the bag she put that CD against her heart and hugged it tight. It was as if she were holding Grace close to her, in that little CD. I knew it would be hard for them to watch, but I also knew it would bring them much joy in the end. It would be a gift they would treasure forever, just like all the memories provided to them in the eight plus years they were able to spend with their daughter. We have more hugs, and more smiles, and shed a few more tears together before departing for the day. They would invite me to stop by the house anytime I felt I needed a visit, or just to stop in and sit for a few minutes to let them know how I was doing. We would say goodbye for the day, all of OK. All of us holding on to the faith each of us held in God's decision to reach down and guide Grace home to him.
It would be about four hours later today that my phone would beep. I looked down to see that I had a message from "Amazing Grace". I opened it up, knowing it was from Annie's number. "You and Gracie did a beautiful job making our CD gift. Thank you." It made me smile for several reasons, one being that it had to have made them smile and remember some fun times with Gracie. The second being, that somewhere up above, sat Gracie on a cloud with her feet hanging over, probably next to my brother Joey, smiling huge with sparkly green eyes, another Pinky Promise complete.
I text back a smiling face to Annie, put down my phone, and walked out to the back deck of the Misfit house. I laid back in the lawn chair and closed my eyes. I felt the warm sun shine down on my face, with a slight breeze passing by. With my eyes closed I see a shadow pass over my face. I open my eyes and look up to see a big white fluffy cloud drift by overhead. I found myself eyeballing around the edges of the cloud, looking for a pair or two of feet hanging over. I saw none, but that doesn't mean they were not there.
Footprints in the sand or hand prints on the heart, look at it anyway you wish, but today I know I do not walk alone. I'm going to be OK. We are all going to be OK.
"Hand Prints On Your Heart: by Amazing Grace
(with help from the boy with the funny name, Jett)
When I feel all alone like no one else is with me.
I just look inside my heart to see what I can see.
There is lots of love there, from all the days gone by.
So many people love me it makes me want to cry.
On the days I feel all alone like no one cares about me.
I just look inside my heart to see what I can see.
So much love lives in there it almost overflows.
So many people love me and it just grows and grows.
When I get sad and my heart feels really empty.
I think of all the wishes all my friends have sent me.
They may never have even met me or know who I really am.
But they left their hand prints on my heart, and now they are my friends.
So when your day is really sad and you think you are alone.
Put your hand to your chest and feel the love you own.
Feel the hand prints of the people who really do care.
They left them there to show you how to love and share.
Hand prints on your heart will never go away,
So don't be sad and lonely, go on and enjoy your day.
You are loved by many, even more than you could know.
For many people leave them there, to help you love and grow.
