It was Thursday at noon as I sat in the parking lot of the grade school eating my lunch before I went in to work with the tots today. I checked my phone several times. I was looking for a text from Gracie, as the last time I had heard from her it was right after my Spanish class. She had sent me a text that was short and sweet, "Thank you for my note the other night, I love you too, you know." Grace was referencing a note I had left her yesterday while she was still sleeping. I had wrote down the words to the Barney Song, and her text to me made me smile. I knew she was OK, and I knew she had gotten the note. No current text to update me on her status, I would have to check in with her mom after tot time.
My tots were excited to make cards for Grace today. We took roll call then made our way to the art center room. I let them have free rein on the making of their cards with very little stipulation. We agreed they would not be get well cards. Most of the students from both grades knew exactly what they wanted to create. A few of them decided to combine their card with another student. A couple of the students that struggled a bit with deciding how to decorate their card asked me for help. I told them a few things that Gracie liked, such as the color pink, ribbons, dolls, rainbows, and how she loved her parents with all her heart. Once I saw to it that everyone was set up and working on their cards I roamed around the room, checking their spelling and their progress. They were doing well, moving along quickly and once they had finished their card they put it in a basket and returned to class to work on their next days workbook page. First the third graders and then the forth graders. The fourth graders worked faster then the third graders on everything we did. One by one they returned to their classroom and began to work on their assignment. I had noticed that Carlos was not making a card but was writing something on a piece of paper. Carlos is the tot that lost his younger brother just a few weeks ago. When he was the last tot left in the art center room I knelt down on the floor next to the desk he was working from. He did not look up at me as he said "I decided to write a letter to her if that is OK." I told him of course it was OK, she would be happy to get it. I knew Carols was having a sad day. I debated the conversation I would have with him. I wanted him to understand he is not alone.
"Carlos, I know how hard it is that you do not have your brother here with you anymore. When I was your brothers age, I had a sister who was a couple years younger than I was. My family went to Omaha NE to visit my dads brother for the July 4th weekend. She also was on her tricycle when she got hit by a car and was killed, just like your brother. Did you know that it happens so often that it is the third most often ways kids die when they are those ages?" Carlos just sat there with his head down, holding on to that letter like the wind not existent in that room would take it away from him. "I was younger than you are and I do not have many memories of my baby sister but I still miss her deeply. I can only imagine how much you miss your little brother. But you know, he is not coming back again and I do not think he would want you to continue to be sad for him. I bet he is in heaven right now wishing that as he looked down on you he could see you smile more. I bet he would want you to have enough fun in your days for the both of you now."
Carlos said nothing as he slowly got up and folded his letter as he walked up to the basket to place it with the cards the other tots had made. He walked out of the art center room and back to his class, not once looking at me. I took a few seconds to just gather my thoughts, grabbed the basket of cards for Grace and headed back to the fourth grade class. We had about ten minutes left of class before the bell would dismiss the class for the day. The students were silent as they worked in their workbooks for what would be the last day I taught them this school year. Tomorrow was Friday, and we would take a final quiz and the rest of the class we would talk about our coming up summer and what everyone would be doing.
The bell rang and I did not hesitate to dismiss the class. Once I did they scurried out of their seats and lined up by the door. When everyone was in place I released them to after school freedom and one by one I got knuckle bumps, hand shakes, hugs, and a few shoulder punches. Every tot that passed me had a smile on his or her face. Carlos was the last tot in line that day and as he approached I just smiled gently at him hoping I would get a smile back. He stopped in front of me and looked up at me with sad eyes. I knelt down to get closer to being eye to eye with Carlos and was no sooner down on my knee when he wrapped his small arms around me tight. Not a word was spoken as he released his gripped and looked at me smiling and turned to leave. I thought to myself, 'Carlos will be OK'.
I was anxious to get to Grace today with the cards the tots made for her. But more than that, I missed her big, Tuesday we got 20 minutes together not counting the two hours I watched her sleep and Wednesday was yet another 20 minutes of visiting with her where I actually got to see her sparkly green eyes staring at me. I was hopeful that today would be a good solid three hours at least I got to spend with my little angel.
I text her mom's cell that I was on my way and would be there shortly. "Bring me a treat" was the text I had gotten in return. This was a very good sign and I was excited to receive that text back. I decided to take Grace a DQ strawberry shortcake treat today. I would also pick two extra ones up for her parents, she seemed to always like them to try the same things that she was.
It was unusual for Grace's dads truck to be there when I got there in the afternoon as he often worked late, sometimes not even home before I left around 7 or 730pm. I pulled my truck up into the driveway next to his and quickly grabbed the treats and the basket of cards. I did not knock, I did not ring the bell, I just barged right in as if this were my home. I did not like things to be out of the normal, it always made me feel like something was not right. Beyond the entry way to their home was the living area, where I saw Grace sitting wrapped in the blanket I had brought her that my Aunt Mary had made. "Most company ring the door bell and wait to be invited in", my sassy little friend would greet me with, "What is my treat today?" I made note of the Footloose movie playing and smiled at her sassy remark.
I found relief in her verbal abuse of me at this moment, assured by her mood that everything must indeed be OK. I told Grace what today's treat would be and took it out of its bag and set it up for her to eat. "I brought extra for your parents", I told her. She smiled and as she dug her spoon down into her strawberry treat and said, "You better put them in the freezer so they do not get icky on us." Of course I did what my bossy little friend had told me to do. I took the other treats into the kitchen and put them in the freezer. I noticed Grace's parents out on the back deck talking to a well dressed man. I gave a wave, got two waves back, and went back to help Grace eat her treat. I sat down next to Grace, took my spoon and snatched a bite of the strawberry shortcake, "Who are your parents talking to Dude?" With her spoon in the treat and her eyes on the movie she very casually stated, "Oh he is here to help with my stuff when I die. You know, like my heart and my eyes I get to donate." Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Not only should a child never have to think about such things, they should not have to talk about it so matter of fact.
"Do you think you will donate your stuff boyfriend?", she asked me. "I have thought about that Grace, they could probably take my brain and spread it out to several people", I told her. There went those pretty sparkly green eyes, rolling around in their sockets. "You are dorky. You cannot give it to lots of people, you can only give it to one." We continued our talk about what we could donate and what we could not. Laughing and eating the treat we were sharing as the movie played in front of us. When we were done with our treat I cleaned it up and when I came back in the room Grace had the basket of cards sitting on her lap. "What are these for dude?", she asked. "The tots wanted to make cards for you today so I let them run all over me like you do and have their way", I told her.
Grace took the cards out one by one and read them. There were thank you cards, nice to meet you cards, there was even a birthday card that gave us the giggles as it was far from being Grace's birthday. We looked at each one carefully and talked about them as well as the creator(s) of each card. I could tell she liked that they had done that for her and I knew what would be coming next. "Next time you visit me I would like to make a card for each of your classes, to thank them for thinking of me today. I will make a list before you leave of the things I will need you to bring me." Man, this girlfriend of mine was getting expensive, I was going to have to find me a paying job. I thought it would be a fun project to do together so we settled on the details.
The only thing left for Grace from the tots project today was Carlos letter. I took it out of my pocket and handed it to Grace as I told her about his struggle today with sadness. I could see the sadness fill up in Grace's eyes for Carlos as she unfolded his letter to her. I waited for her to read it, thinking she would read it out loud. She did not. She handed the letter to me, "Would you please read it to me?" I took the letter and read it as Grace listened to the short message he had for her.
Please tell my little brother I miss him. Tell him our mommy is very sad and cries every night. Please hug him for us. Please be his friend, he is a good boy. Please tell him to not be scared. Please help him find our daddy there so he will not be alone no more. Maybe you can take this letter with you so you do not forget these things. Thank you. I hope you do not hurt no more.
Grace took the letter from me and folded it back up. She was very quiet and it was unusual that she had nothing to say. We sat side by side for a few minutes in that silence when I looked down at my little angel to see the tears free flowing down her cheeks. "I do not want Carlos to be sad and I do not want my mommy and daddy to cry for me", Grace said through her tears. I put my arm around her small shoulder frame and pulled her close to me. "People cannot help it when they cry Grace, its the only way to let go of some of the hurt they have from missing someone they love so much", I tried to comfort her.
We sat there for a few moments while Grace and I collected our emotions over Carlos letter. Grace grabbed my hand and pulled me to get up off the sofa. "Come with me I want to show you something", she said. I got up and followed Grace. First she quietly walked to the kitchen and peered around the corner at her parents out on the deck with the well dressed man. Then she turned and grabbed my hand and headed for her bedroom. She jabbered all the way about the events of her day and everything she did. She stopped short of her door and looked at me saying, "Did I thank you for the treat? It was the bomb. Really super sic." I liked she was picking up my lingo, and how she loved using it trying to stump her parents in what she was saying.
Grace took my hand and drug me into her newly decorated bedroom and headed straight for the close. She opened the right side door and bent over and walked right in. "Come in here with me", she said. I got on my hands and knees and crawled in next to Grace. We were right in front of the area that Grace had me trace her hand, and then she had traced mine. There was another hand outlined under our hand outlines. "It is Joey's hand Jett, what do you think about that!", she said excitedly. When I looked the hand she referred to as Joey's hand I thought about the visit I had two days ago where I felt a hand on my shoulder but no one was there. That same day I saw both her parents appear to be touching a hand on their shoulder as well, although I could not see one. "Well", she said, "what do you think about this? Isn't it fun?" I really did not want to get into this with Grace and find out the details. I don't know if its because I was afraid of what she would say, or if I was hesitant to ask because I preferred to think what I thought and did not want that thought to be destroyed.
Grace crawled over to the left side of the closet, telling me to follower her over. I crawled behind her and when she sat down, I sat down next to her, in the closet. I reached back and closed the right side door and slid the left side door open to let in the light where we were now sitting. As soon as the light came in through the door I noticed the colorful array of words on the wall in front of us. There were all the colors of a rainbow and then some. Grace had taken her markers and written words to form an arch, as if there were a rainbow in her closet. The top color of this arch was purple "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so" blue, "dear mommy and daddy i will always love you", next was green "thank you for letting me have my way ", then red "thank you for loving me", pink "remember the fun times", orange "smile when you think of me", yellow "i will miss you". In the center of the arch or her rainbow she drew a picture. Stick figures. First her daddy, then herself, then her mommy. Grace crawled out of the closet and came back with her markers. She took out her black one and popped the lid off. Reaching her arm out she began to draw another stick figure. It was slightly talker than her dad's and when she was done drawing the figure she dug into her colors and pulled out the blue one. She uncapped it and used it to draw wings on the stick figure. "It is Joey", she said, "he is our angel guide." I smiled at Grace and told her it was a very nice drawing and I am sure when her mommy and daddy found it they would be proud of her work and enjoy thinking about the work she put into it.
We crawled out of the closet and made our way to the huge bed now occupying the majority of the space in the room. We stretched out on it, laying on our backs. I was thinking about the figure she drew of Joey. How did she know he would be taller than her daddy? How long has Joey been around Grace and her family that she saw him in this light? When Joey 'left' me did he do it to be the angel guide to Grace and her parents? I was snapped out of my thoughts by Grace's voice, "Boyfriend? What will you do when I die?" I remained still, looking at the ceiling, "What do you mean girlfriend? You know I will miss you deep." She sat up on the bed and leaned over me, looking me in the eyes. "I know that, but you will keep loving me right? You will not forget about me right? I will be watching you to make sure you do not cry." I told her I could never forget her and I could never not love her. "You are silly girl", I told her, "and you better be watching me and keeping me out of trouble since all you've been is a pain in my butt since I met you." Grace laid back down on the bed. I swear I heard her eyes roll as she said, "You were messed up before you came to visit me the first time." Grace grabbed my hand and I wrapped it around her tiny hand as we laid there and she drifted off to sleep.
Before I left for the evening I gathered up Grace's markers, repacked them, and put them back where we had gotten them from. I closed the closet door shut but not before I took a peak at her rainbow again. Everything Grace was doing these final days she was doing for her parents. She was getting noticeably weaker as the days went on. The signs were starting to appear, the bruises and bumps on her head, the lack of energy that had her falling asleep in the middle of stories. Her tiny frame getting smaller. Yet Grace was determined to stay in this world with us until she was done with everything she felt her parents needed done before she moved on. Her strength and courage amaze me more and more each visit.
After running a few errands after I had left Grace this evening I pulled into the driveway at my house. As I was gathering my things to go in the house my cell beeped. It had only been an hour since I left Grace but the text I received made me smile. "white letter paper. glitter. glue. star stickers." It made me laugh, of course she would not forget the list of things she needed to make the tots thanks you cards. I text her back, "got it dude. goodnight." I would be inside my house by the time this slow texter replied. "and a treat."
My tots were excited to make cards for Grace today. We took roll call then made our way to the art center room. I let them have free rein on the making of their cards with very little stipulation. We agreed they would not be get well cards. Most of the students from both grades knew exactly what they wanted to create. A few of them decided to combine their card with another student. A couple of the students that struggled a bit with deciding how to decorate their card asked me for help. I told them a few things that Gracie liked, such as the color pink, ribbons, dolls, rainbows, and how she loved her parents with all her heart. Once I saw to it that everyone was set up and working on their cards I roamed around the room, checking their spelling and their progress. They were doing well, moving along quickly and once they had finished their card they put it in a basket and returned to class to work on their next days workbook page. First the third graders and then the forth graders. The fourth graders worked faster then the third graders on everything we did. One by one they returned to their classroom and began to work on their assignment. I had noticed that Carlos was not making a card but was writing something on a piece of paper. Carlos is the tot that lost his younger brother just a few weeks ago. When he was the last tot left in the art center room I knelt down on the floor next to the desk he was working from. He did not look up at me as he said "I decided to write a letter to her if that is OK." I told him of course it was OK, she would be happy to get it. I knew Carols was having a sad day. I debated the conversation I would have with him. I wanted him to understand he is not alone.
"Carlos, I know how hard it is that you do not have your brother here with you anymore. When I was your brothers age, I had a sister who was a couple years younger than I was. My family went to Omaha NE to visit my dads brother for the July 4th weekend. She also was on her tricycle when she got hit by a car and was killed, just like your brother. Did you know that it happens so often that it is the third most often ways kids die when they are those ages?" Carlos just sat there with his head down, holding on to that letter like the wind not existent in that room would take it away from him. "I was younger than you are and I do not have many memories of my baby sister but I still miss her deeply. I can only imagine how much you miss your little brother. But you know, he is not coming back again and I do not think he would want you to continue to be sad for him. I bet he is in heaven right now wishing that as he looked down on you he could see you smile more. I bet he would want you to have enough fun in your days for the both of you now."
Carlos said nothing as he slowly got up and folded his letter as he walked up to the basket to place it with the cards the other tots had made. He walked out of the art center room and back to his class, not once looking at me. I took a few seconds to just gather my thoughts, grabbed the basket of cards for Grace and headed back to the fourth grade class. We had about ten minutes left of class before the bell would dismiss the class for the day. The students were silent as they worked in their workbooks for what would be the last day I taught them this school year. Tomorrow was Friday, and we would take a final quiz and the rest of the class we would talk about our coming up summer and what everyone would be doing.
The bell rang and I did not hesitate to dismiss the class. Once I did they scurried out of their seats and lined up by the door. When everyone was in place I released them to after school freedom and one by one I got knuckle bumps, hand shakes, hugs, and a few shoulder punches. Every tot that passed me had a smile on his or her face. Carlos was the last tot in line that day and as he approached I just smiled gently at him hoping I would get a smile back. He stopped in front of me and looked up at me with sad eyes. I knelt down to get closer to being eye to eye with Carlos and was no sooner down on my knee when he wrapped his small arms around me tight. Not a word was spoken as he released his gripped and looked at me smiling and turned to leave. I thought to myself, 'Carlos will be OK'.
I was anxious to get to Grace today with the cards the tots made for her. But more than that, I missed her big, Tuesday we got 20 minutes together not counting the two hours I watched her sleep and Wednesday was yet another 20 minutes of visiting with her where I actually got to see her sparkly green eyes staring at me. I was hopeful that today would be a good solid three hours at least I got to spend with my little angel.
I text her mom's cell that I was on my way and would be there shortly. "Bring me a treat" was the text I had gotten in return. This was a very good sign and I was excited to receive that text back. I decided to take Grace a DQ strawberry shortcake treat today. I would also pick two extra ones up for her parents, she seemed to always like them to try the same things that she was.
It was unusual for Grace's dads truck to be there when I got there in the afternoon as he often worked late, sometimes not even home before I left around 7 or 730pm. I pulled my truck up into the driveway next to his and quickly grabbed the treats and the basket of cards. I did not knock, I did not ring the bell, I just barged right in as if this were my home. I did not like things to be out of the normal, it always made me feel like something was not right. Beyond the entry way to their home was the living area, where I saw Grace sitting wrapped in the blanket I had brought her that my Aunt Mary had made. "Most company ring the door bell and wait to be invited in", my sassy little friend would greet me with, "What is my treat today?" I made note of the Footloose movie playing and smiled at her sassy remark.
I found relief in her verbal abuse of me at this moment, assured by her mood that everything must indeed be OK. I told Grace what today's treat would be and took it out of its bag and set it up for her to eat. "I brought extra for your parents", I told her. She smiled and as she dug her spoon down into her strawberry treat and said, "You better put them in the freezer so they do not get icky on us." Of course I did what my bossy little friend had told me to do. I took the other treats into the kitchen and put them in the freezer. I noticed Grace's parents out on the back deck talking to a well dressed man. I gave a wave, got two waves back, and went back to help Grace eat her treat. I sat down next to Grace, took my spoon and snatched a bite of the strawberry shortcake, "Who are your parents talking to Dude?" With her spoon in the treat and her eyes on the movie she very casually stated, "Oh he is here to help with my stuff when I die. You know, like my heart and my eyes I get to donate." Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Not only should a child never have to think about such things, they should not have to talk about it so matter of fact.
"Do you think you will donate your stuff boyfriend?", she asked me. "I have thought about that Grace, they could probably take my brain and spread it out to several people", I told her. There went those pretty sparkly green eyes, rolling around in their sockets. "You are dorky. You cannot give it to lots of people, you can only give it to one." We continued our talk about what we could donate and what we could not. Laughing and eating the treat we were sharing as the movie played in front of us. When we were done with our treat I cleaned it up and when I came back in the room Grace had the basket of cards sitting on her lap. "What are these for dude?", she asked. "The tots wanted to make cards for you today so I let them run all over me like you do and have their way", I told her.
Grace took the cards out one by one and read them. There were thank you cards, nice to meet you cards, there was even a birthday card that gave us the giggles as it was far from being Grace's birthday. We looked at each one carefully and talked about them as well as the creator(s) of each card. I could tell she liked that they had done that for her and I knew what would be coming next. "Next time you visit me I would like to make a card for each of your classes, to thank them for thinking of me today. I will make a list before you leave of the things I will need you to bring me." Man, this girlfriend of mine was getting expensive, I was going to have to find me a paying job. I thought it would be a fun project to do together so we settled on the details.
The only thing left for Grace from the tots project today was Carlos letter. I took it out of my pocket and handed it to Grace as I told her about his struggle today with sadness. I could see the sadness fill up in Grace's eyes for Carlos as she unfolded his letter to her. I waited for her to read it, thinking she would read it out loud. She did not. She handed the letter to me, "Would you please read it to me?" I took the letter and read it as Grace listened to the short message he had for her.
Please tell my little brother I miss him. Tell him our mommy is very sad and cries every night. Please hug him for us. Please be his friend, he is a good boy. Please tell him to not be scared. Please help him find our daddy there so he will not be alone no more. Maybe you can take this letter with you so you do not forget these things. Thank you. I hope you do not hurt no more.
Grace took the letter from me and folded it back up. She was very quiet and it was unusual that she had nothing to say. We sat side by side for a few minutes in that silence when I looked down at my little angel to see the tears free flowing down her cheeks. "I do not want Carlos to be sad and I do not want my mommy and daddy to cry for me", Grace said through her tears. I put my arm around her small shoulder frame and pulled her close to me. "People cannot help it when they cry Grace, its the only way to let go of some of the hurt they have from missing someone they love so much", I tried to comfort her.
We sat there for a few moments while Grace and I collected our emotions over Carlos letter. Grace grabbed my hand and pulled me to get up off the sofa. "Come with me I want to show you something", she said. I got up and followed Grace. First she quietly walked to the kitchen and peered around the corner at her parents out on the deck with the well dressed man. Then she turned and grabbed my hand and headed for her bedroom. She jabbered all the way about the events of her day and everything she did. She stopped short of her door and looked at me saying, "Did I thank you for the treat? It was the bomb. Really super sic." I liked she was picking up my lingo, and how she loved using it trying to stump her parents in what she was saying.
Grace took my hand and drug me into her newly decorated bedroom and headed straight for the close. She opened the right side door and bent over and walked right in. "Come in here with me", she said. I got on my hands and knees and crawled in next to Grace. We were right in front of the area that Grace had me trace her hand, and then she had traced mine. There was another hand outlined under our hand outlines. "It is Joey's hand Jett, what do you think about that!", she said excitedly. When I looked the hand she referred to as Joey's hand I thought about the visit I had two days ago where I felt a hand on my shoulder but no one was there. That same day I saw both her parents appear to be touching a hand on their shoulder as well, although I could not see one. "Well", she said, "what do you think about this? Isn't it fun?" I really did not want to get into this with Grace and find out the details. I don't know if its because I was afraid of what she would say, or if I was hesitant to ask because I preferred to think what I thought and did not want that thought to be destroyed.
Grace crawled over to the left side of the closet, telling me to follower her over. I crawled behind her and when she sat down, I sat down next to her, in the closet. I reached back and closed the right side door and slid the left side door open to let in the light where we were now sitting. As soon as the light came in through the door I noticed the colorful array of words on the wall in front of us. There were all the colors of a rainbow and then some. Grace had taken her markers and written words to form an arch, as if there were a rainbow in her closet. The top color of this arch was purple "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so" blue, "dear mommy and daddy i will always love you", next was green "thank you for letting me have my way ", then red "thank you for loving me", pink "remember the fun times", orange "smile when you think of me", yellow "i will miss you". In the center of the arch or her rainbow she drew a picture. Stick figures. First her daddy, then herself, then her mommy. Grace crawled out of the closet and came back with her markers. She took out her black one and popped the lid off. Reaching her arm out she began to draw another stick figure. It was slightly talker than her dad's and when she was done drawing the figure she dug into her colors and pulled out the blue one. She uncapped it and used it to draw wings on the stick figure. "It is Joey", she said, "he is our angel guide." I smiled at Grace and told her it was a very nice drawing and I am sure when her mommy and daddy found it they would be proud of her work and enjoy thinking about the work she put into it.
We crawled out of the closet and made our way to the huge bed now occupying the majority of the space in the room. We stretched out on it, laying on our backs. I was thinking about the figure she drew of Joey. How did she know he would be taller than her daddy? How long has Joey been around Grace and her family that she saw him in this light? When Joey 'left' me did he do it to be the angel guide to Grace and her parents? I was snapped out of my thoughts by Grace's voice, "Boyfriend? What will you do when I die?" I remained still, looking at the ceiling, "What do you mean girlfriend? You know I will miss you deep." She sat up on the bed and leaned over me, looking me in the eyes. "I know that, but you will keep loving me right? You will not forget about me right? I will be watching you to make sure you do not cry." I told her I could never forget her and I could never not love her. "You are silly girl", I told her, "and you better be watching me and keeping me out of trouble since all you've been is a pain in my butt since I met you." Grace laid back down on the bed. I swear I heard her eyes roll as she said, "You were messed up before you came to visit me the first time." Grace grabbed my hand and I wrapped it around her tiny hand as we laid there and she drifted off to sleep.
Before I left for the evening I gathered up Grace's markers, repacked them, and put them back where we had gotten them from. I closed the closet door shut but not before I took a peak at her rainbow again. Everything Grace was doing these final days she was doing for her parents. She was getting noticeably weaker as the days went on. The signs were starting to appear, the bruises and bumps on her head, the lack of energy that had her falling asleep in the middle of stories. Her tiny frame getting smaller. Yet Grace was determined to stay in this world with us until she was done with everything she felt her parents needed done before she moved on. Her strength and courage amaze me more and more each visit.
After running a few errands after I had left Grace this evening I pulled into the driveway at my house. As I was gathering my things to go in the house my cell beeped. It had only been an hour since I left Grace but the text I received made me smile. "white letter paper. glitter. glue. star stickers." It made me laugh, of course she would not forget the list of things she needed to make the tots thanks you cards. I text her back, "got it dude. goodnight." I would be inside my house by the time this slow texter replied. "and a treat."
