THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I
I believe it is through God that we are gifted His Grace in all things good. The Grace of God is much like love, faith, trust and hope. It is not something you can touch. You cannot measure the amount of Grace you have been given by God. It is not a matter of having it, or not having it. It is a matter of realizing what Grace is and making a conscience choice to allow God to gift you more and more Grace as you journey through life with Him on earth. The more you trust in God, the more you love Him, the more faith you have in his plan for you, and the more hope you have in eternal life with Him beyond your last breath of life, the more Grace you are filled with.
Grace is what helps us get through the times of despair in our lives. Grace releases the love you have for God and reminds you why you believe in Him, and trust Him, and carry faith in the path He has laid out for you. We all experience times in our lives where we feel defeated. Times where we feel the next step we take will be our last, the next breath we breathe will end our journey here on earth. The Grace of God pulls us through these times of trouble and renews and restores the trust and faith we have lost in ourselves. It is in our hour of need that we need to put our faith back in God's hands and let him guide us to the next chapter in our lives. Trust that He will lift us over these bumps in life and help us see that we are at our strongest when we allow him to direct us on the path in front of us.
My friend Brandon who is fighting Leukemia has been slowing giving up on himself and recently refused treatments that will eventually cure him. The road is long for a complete recovery, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Brandon can no longer see the light and has decided to not fight the fight. I'm not sure what part of his life he decided he could not live without right now, but he is slowly allowing himself to lose all faith, hope and trust in God. He has shut off the gift of Grace that God has given him.
Today I sat next to Brandon for hours while he is locked up on a suicide watch. The first few hours with him he would not even look at me. I sat next to him with my laptop open and worked on some of my blogs and journals while I waited for him to show me some sign of hope with-in him that would tell me he really did not want to die. I was hoping with all the faith I had that Brandon would realize that even though he had given up on himself, I had not. Nor had his parents or siblings or extended family and friends. I closed up shop on my laptop for a bit and pulled out my bible from my backpack. I opened it up and started sifting through the passages I had previously marked for this day.
That being justified by His grace we might be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
Peter 4:10
As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
Peter 1:2
Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord
Hebrews 13:9
Do not be carried away by varied and strange teachings; for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace
Ephesians 4:7
But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift.
It was probably a solid half of an hour that I read passages to Brandon out of my bible today before he finally turned his head in my direction and looked at me. We have had several talks about God and life on earth and life beyond earth prior to last week when Brandon decided he wanted to check out of this world, void of all hope for a better tomorrow which never seemed to arrive for him. I knew when he turned to look at me he was at least listening to the words I was speaking. I thought if he is a least listening to these words, maybe he is putting some thought into them and is slowly finding a way to get back into this game, get his treatments, and work on getting back to who he was before his illness altered his life.
Once I had his attention I decided to let him know what life without Brandon in it would be like. "Your mom and dad and siblings will never stop crying at night. They will always try to think of things they should have done differently to help you get through this better. They will blame themselves for your decision to not want to stay here and be with them. They will think of every bad moment they had with you, every argument, every fight, every mean thing they ever did and said to you. They will think about all the times they hurt you, on purpose and by accident. They will have dreams about you being back in their lives, only to lose you all over again when they wake up. They will never love themselves as completely as they did before you left. They will remember the last moments of your life, before you ended it, and see the sadness that surrounded you. They will look back on your life and look for signs they missed where they feel you were reaching out to them for help and they failed you. They will cry alone, because crying in front of the rest of the family will make them feel shameful, guilty, and heartless to your needs. They will spend the rest of their days on earth trying to forgive themselves for not being a better mom, dad, brother, sister, and friend to you."
I told Brandon that his lack of faith and trust and love for himself to the point of despair in life will cause them to lose faith and trust in themselves. That they will slowly lose God's Grace as they fight the feelings of guilt that the person they loved so much did not love them back enough to want to let them help him through his time of need. That their smiles will never be the same, their laughter will never have the same tone to it. That they will find it harder to love anyone like they loved him, and out of sadness and guilt and fear they will not allow anyone to love them like they need to be loved.
I wanted Brandon to see the darker side of his darkness. I wanted Brandon to be sure that making the decision to give up his fight for life, he would alter the lives of many. I wanted him to make sure that he understood his decision to die would affect everyone who knew him, and loved him, and pray for him. I wanted him to realize that him giving up this fight would mean that everyone else would have to fight harder. I wanted him to think about how painful it is for everyone to see him like this.
"Think about this my friend. How would you feel if one of your parents or siblings wanted to give up and check out of life? How would you feel if this one action you would like to take would result in a life of pain and suffering for the rest of your family? How does it make you feel to make your mom cry at the thought of you snuffing out your life? Does it make you proud to see her cry, knowing now that the life she gave you is the life you now want to take from her? You do what you want, live or die, and I will always love you my friend, whatever you decide. Do yourself this one favor. Take some time to think about all this. You are seventeen and in six months you could have this thing beat and be back in the life you had before this bump slowed you down. You're parents got you to this point, I think you can give them six months of the best you got to show them you are worth their efforts."
"There but for the Grace of God go I. Trust in the Lord our God Brandon. Have faith that greater things are in store for you. I do not believe you will find what you are looking for beyond a breath of life at this time."
With those words I stood, sat my bible on Brandon's bed next to him, let him know I would be out of town this weekend and would be up to see him late Sunday when I returned and he should make sure he is well rested, because the next time I come and sit with him I would like him to do the talking. About an hour ago I received a text from Brandon's dad. "Brandon has been reading the bible you left on his bed. I thought you would like to know that." I thanked his dad for the message of HOPE and replied "I also left a few of my angels with him, to nudge him to open it. :-) "
We continually remember before our God and Father
your work produced by
faith, your labor prompted by love,
and your endurance inspired by hope
in our Lord Jesus Christ.
I do not promote suicide or believe it is the right thing to do. I have learned a great deal from my friends and family about life and its tragedies. I have also learned a great deal about pain from life and the lessons it tosses my way. That being said, I do not believe those that commit suicide are cowards. I know pain and I know the fight in life we fight to stop the pain that saturates our hearts and souls. When all other options fail to ease the pain, some people see no other way to stop the pain. The questions I would ask those who judge other peoples pain is ... where were you when your family/friends needed you the most?
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Call us1-800-273-TALK (8255)
“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
