Saturday, May 5, 2012

Amazing Grace XXIV: IPods and Ice Cream

It was Wednesday, my lazy day, and the only thing I really planned to do today was to visit Grace.  I first met her on a Wednesday and since that day it was the day that had quickly become our day together.  I had no college classes on this day and although I would routinely get up early and skate, or work out, before going to the newspaper to hang out with Dave, today I was just playing hookey from the morning hours.  Or so I thought, before my cell beeped.  "bring your ipod today" the text read.  That's my bossy little angel, checking in with me to make sure I haven't forgotten about her.  Grace was starting to send me more and more texts each day.  I did not mind, in fact I enjoyed texting back and forth with her during the day.  The increasing frequency of texting had me wondering if this was Grace's way of handling her time life with us on earth.  When I first started meeting up with her to tell her story, she would say "you can go now Jett" when she had enough of me.  It was now the exact opposite, she always wanted me to stay, saying "you don't have to leave so soon, Jett".

I responded, "ok dude, see you in a bit", and then I began thinking about what her and I might do today.  Most days our visits held a very strict routine before we allowed ourselves to stray from 'business' and relax to some laughs.  After a brief  'hello, what you been up to'  we would pull out our journals and begin with Grace dictating to me what she would like the world to know about her short eight-plus years on earth.  She would tell me what to write, and then have me read it back to her.  I would then conduct an interview with Grace, asking her questions that will help me write the rest of her story once she has left us.  After that there would be a brief lecture from Grace on things I CANNOT put in 'our' book and things that MUST go into it.  "And I will be watching you from heaven Jett, so do it right", she would tell me time and again as we wrote the story of Amazing Grace.  Then Grace would open her notebook that contained her lists.  We would go through them list by list, item by item, and cross off anything that she had finally gotten to accomplish.  Next on our agenda was where I would open my laptop and Grace and I would creep my friends.  For those of you that do not know, creeping is very simply sifting through someones facebook page, looking at the photos, reading their bio's, and reading the posts on their wall.  Grace loved the picture creeping, and often it caused her to add something more to one of her lists.  We would finish our visit for the day with me reading the most current blog of  'ours' with her giving her thoughts on it to me.  She is our biggest critic, and that is where the teacher becomes the student.  After that task was done with, we would just have fun talking, singing, laughing, and more often than not, shedding a few tears for the days that lay ahead in our friendship.

Grace has always tried to turn our visits to be about me.  It was difficult to keep on task, because for every question I asked her, she would ask me two.  At first I found that very frustrating, because after all, this was her story and she made the rules regarding on how we would conduct our visits.  She so intently listened to my life's experiences that I would find myself doing all the talking.  I would remind Grace that a good journalist listens to his subject first, and only does the talking when he is writing the story.  This is how her lists began to form.  She would ask me about something regarding my life, get so engrossed with what I was saying, then with eyes wide open and chin to the floor she would look at me and say 'that is ahhhmaazing'.  Like the time we talked about our best and worst foods.  Her's was easy, she "love love loved Sugar Pops" and "ewwwww, apricot anything is gross".  I would tell her I "love love loved Capt'n Crunch" and "lima beans anything is gross".  Not ever having Capt'n Crunch, she would add it to her lists of things she would like to try, followed by lima beans, and so the lists would grow.

I had decided today would be a fun day for us.  We would just let things roll the way they rolled.  No time restrictions, no dead lines, no pressure to blog, no pressure to add to our journals or the story of Grace.  I sent a text to Grace to let her know I was on my way.  She responded back with 'do not forget your ipod'.  I did, so I ran back into the house to get it.  I also made a stop along the way to DQ to get Grace a Banana Creme Pie blizzard.  It had become a tradition of late, to take Grace a DQ treat she could try.  It really is my favorite place to get ice cream treats, and she always wanted to try something new with me from there. 

With Ipod in my backpack and blizzard in my hand I walked up to Grace's front porch.  There she was sitting on the porch swing, waiting for our day together.  I put my backpack down and sat on the swing next to Grace.  As I was taking the lid from the blizzard we would share, I noticed that under Grace's pink fuzzy slippers her socks did not match.  "Dude? What's up with your sock program today?"  I handed her our blizzard and one of the spoons.  She dipped the spoon into the blizzard and took a bite.  She closed her eyes and a smile came over her face.  "It's banana and it is good."  She handed it back to me for my turn to taste our treat.  "It's a new trend you know, to wear your socks to not match.  Everyone is doing it.  Except for you Jett."  She said matter of fact.  "It makes me fashionable you know. "   All girl, that is Grace, all girl and all pink.  I hand her back the blizzard, and we would go back and forth with it until Grace would announce to me, "We are done with this now, my daddy can have the rest when he gets home from work".  We decided to go inside so I recapped the blizzard, grabbed my backpack and we headed inside.  I put the blizzard in their freezer for her dad to try later and when I got back into the family room where Grace was, I found her sifting through my backpack for my Ipod.  "Did you add more music to our Ipod yet Jett?"  I think it is funny how in the last month or so everything I own has become 'ours' in Grace's mind.  If any of my boys ever picked up my Ipod and saw Jonas Brothers on a playlist I'm sure it would be a source of constant taunts for a long while.  "I added Hannah Montana like you asked me to."   She smiled and pushed an ear plug into her ear and went on her search for Hanna Montana music.

I sit next to Grace and pop the other ear bud into my ear.  She's rocking Hannah Montana, and it's everything I can do to not take control of 'our' Ipod.  My only hope now was tp wait for Grace to get bored with Hannah.  It isn't long and she turned the Ipod off, pulls the ear buds from both of our ears, and sets it down.  "What do you want to do now?"  I ask Grace.  She thinks for a few seconds and says, "Oh, I don't know.  What do you want to do?"  The nice thing about being a friend with Grace, is she is perfectly happy to do nothing.  She would be OK just sitting here with me just bothering each other, or just being quiet. Grace decides she wants to play card games.  We laid on the floor in the family room and played several rounds of Go Fish, Match, Old Maid, and War.  I teach her how to play Slap Jack, which she quickly caught onto so she could slap my hand before I got to hers.  We played high card/low card.  The entire time we played cards, Grace was asking me questions about the Misfits.  "Jett," she asks me, "can I be a Misfit?"   I tell her of course she can be a Misfit, but she has to pass the Misfit test first.  After all, I tell her, not just anyone can be one.  "What is the test?", she asked.  "Well, the very first thing is you have to pass the sweet and salty poker test", I tell her.  I excuse myself and tell her I will be right back.  I go into their kitchen looking for sweet and salty.  The best I can come up with are pretzel sticks, a bag of M&Ms, and about a dozen pieces of Laffy Taffy.  I return back to Grace and we sit across from each other on the floor at the coffee table.  We split the candies and count out an even number of pretzels.  "When you have either all the salty, or all the sweet, you pass the test.  Then you can officially become a Misfit with the rest of us.

I taught Grace how to play 7 card no peak, 21, and 5 card stud.   The fortunate thing about teaching someone these games that have never played them before, is you get to make up the rules as you go.  This allowed me to give Grace an advantage in winning, thus becoming an official member of the Misfits crew.   That, along with me munching on my 'chips' put all the sweets in front of Grace.  We played poker for almost an hour and as soon as she won the last 'pot' she let out her little girl scream, "I won I won!", she declared.  I let out a sigh, "you must of cheated".  She replied, "don't be mad, you should of not eaten all your stuff if you wanted to win."  Well congratulations I would tell her, you are now a Misfit.   She smiled big, and I knew it was because she felt she finally belonged to something.  That was a big issue with Grace, feeling as if there wasn't a group of people in the world that she was a part of, largely because of the number of people who deserted her shortly after she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.  I knew she would wear it like a badge of honor, just like the rest of us Misfits, who somehow mesh our lives together, belonging to something we never thought we could have.

It was almost time for Grace's dad to be home from work and her mom was in the kitchen preparing dinner. "Jett, please stay and eat our dinner with us tonight", she pleaded.   I told her if it was OK with her parents, I would love to eat with them.  She dashed out into the kitchen and came back with a smile, "My mommy said it would be OK. We have 30 minutes."  I told her thank you for asking me to stay for eats.  "About those socks that do not match Grace, what's the story on them?"  I asked.   She proceeds to tell me that when her girl cousins visited her last Friday, they told her about that trend.  Where you actually purchase socks that do not match.  "It is real fun to do Jett, all I did was take two of my pairs of socks and wore one of each."   I shook my head and looked at Grace, "Girls are just weird", I told her.  She laughed at me and said, "Seriously?  Girls are weird?  I think boys are weirdos."   I'm telling you, there is no convincing any girl that they are the strange ones and us boys are the normal ones.  Grace grew quiet which was always a signal to me that something was on her mind.  "What is it Grace, what are you thinking?"  She came over and sat next to me, grabbing my hand.  "Jett, I am going to try real hard to be at home with my mommy and daddy for two whole more weeks."   I squeezed her tiny hand.  She had a way of silencing me with her revelations like this.  "Can I keep our Ipod with me tonight?"  And just like that she was back to continuing to live her life as if the end was no where near.

We sat in the dining room and ate as a family.  It made me feel good that her parents have so readily accepted me into their home, and into their lives.  For them to share these final months, weeks, and days of their daughter's life with me was one of the most unselfish acts I will ever witness.  I listened as Grace's dad told her about his work day.  This was clearly a nightly conversation I noted, because Grace would ask very specific questions about specific people that her dad worked with.  When he spoke to her about his work day, I could tell he worked at making it more exciting then he actually found it to be.  As a family they talked about their days, sharing as much about them with each as they could.  It was very much like our Misfit meals when we sat down to eat together.  I could not help but wonder what their dinners would become like when it was just the two of them, husband and wife.  I thought about what our Misfit dinners might be like if we knew one of us was days from never sitting at that table again. I made a mental note, 'do not take the lives or your loved ones for granted, for one day they may suddenly be absent from your daily routine'.

The only thing missing from this family dinner was any  mention or talk about Grace's health.  They did not speak about her illness, they did not talk about how she was feeling.  Had I been a guest that did not know Grace's condition, I would never have guessed there was anything out of the ordinary at this table, except for the mismatched socks of one tiny little angel who refused to see her fate as anything more than a gift from God. I forced myself back into the conversation, pushing all the sadness and anger away from my heart.  I shared many laughs with this family at this table, and they accepted me into this meal as if I was one of them.

Grace's dad works 9 hours a day, 6 days a week.  Her mom stays home with Grace and does not work outside her home.  There is no other option for her parents at this time.  Even in Grace's final days with them, the demands of life weigh heavy on their minds.  In order to provide everything she needs to finish out her life here with them, they have to sacrifice the time they would like to spend with her.  It's ironic I think, that while most parents work and sacrifice time with their kids to provide them a better and brighter future, there are parents out there making an even bigger sacrifice to ensure their child leaves this earth in a peaceful and painless manner. 

Dinner is done and I help Grace's mom clear the table and clean up the kitchen, giving her dad some time with Grace.  I listen to them talking as I continue to help clear the dishes from the table.  She is telling her dad about our visit today and how I taught her how to play sweet and salty poker. "It sounds weird but it is really fun daddy, can we play sometime?"  Of course he tells her yes.   When we are done cleaning up we all sit in the family room and visit some more.  Each time I suggest it is time for me to leave, Grace wants me to stay longer.  Grace's dad asks her how our work was today and did we have anything to share with him about our day.  Grace proceeds to tell her dad, "Jett was having a lazy day today so we listened to music and played games all day."   I look at Grace, "Dude, you were just as lazy, you couldn't even match your socks today you were so lazy."  I got a great big eye roll from her, "And tomorrow I am wearing my other pair just like these," she informed me.

It isn't more than 20 minutes later and Grace has announced she feels tired and wants to go to sleep.  Her mom takes her to her bedroom and helps her get ready for bed.  I gather up my belongings and get ready to leave.  I make sure to not pack up the Ipod that Grace has said she would like to keep tonight.  I wait for her mom to come out and I go into Grace's room with the Ipod to say goodnight.  I ask her if she wanted 'our' Ipod tonight, or should I put it on her dresser.  "On my dresser please", she tells me, thank you for letting me keep it tonight".   I tell her I'd do it for any of my Misfit family members.  I get a smile from my little angel as she extends her hand and gives me that cute little tiny wave.  "Thanks for the DQ treat today.  I will be excited to see what you bring me tomorrow."  I smile, because this is the same little girl who when I first met her did not want me to bring her anything at all.   "Sleep well Grace, and if you wake up, you can text me."  I told her.

We wish each other goodnight with the understanding that this goodbye is temporary and tomorrow will be a brand new day for us.  After thanking her parents for dinner and telling them goodnight I walk out to my truck.  Usually this is the moment of my evening that I am overwhelmed with emotions.  This is the time of day where I begin to think about the last time I will be leaving from a live visit with Grace.  I sit in my truck for a few minutes to reflect on my time with Grace.  I think about how this past week has been one week void of chemo and radiation treatments.   I think about how her dad had told me that day 'four to six' weeks.  I think about how tonight Grace told me she was trying for two more weeks at home.  That would be three weeks, leaving another three weeks until we were at the six week mark.

I rest my head against the steering wheel, and grip the sides of it with my hands.  I cannot stop the tears as they form in my eyes and roll down, dripping on the bottom of the steering wheel.  My cell beeps.  "Jett?"  it is from Grace's cell number.  I look up from my truck in the driveway and see Grace standing at her window, curtains pulled aside.  I see the ear buds in her ears and the Ipod in her hand.  She sets it down.  My cell beeps. "Do not be sad for me".   I wave to Grace as I start my truck.  When I look up again, she is gone.  I text her. "I love you Misfit".








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I do not write to spread my sadness on earth, I write to share my journey to heaven.