Pinky Promise: "The day I leave earth you
have to write our final blog together. Do not wait or you might not do
it. You have to do this. If you do not, I will know, you know."
I said goodbye to Gracie on Sunday morning, leaving the hospital knowing it would be the last time I visited my little friend on earth and would now have to visit her in my heart. I went home that day and laid on my bed waiting for word that Gracie had passed away. When I had left, her parents were returning to her room to spend her final moments on earth with her. I had not been home for more than an hour when my dad came into my room and told me that Grace had passed away. My dad was extremely quiet as he stood next to my bed for a few minutes after telling me the sad news. I said nothing, he said nothing, but the silence spoke volumes for both of us. My dad left my room as I continued to lay on my bed and just think about the last few months of Gracie's life, and the last few months of mine having spent many days and many hours with her.
The house was quiet today, but not due to anything out of the ordinary. The other Misfits were at work, Zander (Alex) at the family owned neighborhood grocery store and Upc (Charlie) at Spikes Dawgs. It was always low key and quiet at our house on Sundays but this Sunday the silence was a little different. There was a sadness to the silence, much like the silence I sat in the day Joey died after everyone else said their goodbye's after he had passed away and they left the room. It was not an uncomfortable silence then, and it was not on this day either. It was a peaceful, calm kind of silence as if all was right with the world.
I decided to drag myself out of my room and go find my dad. I found him laying on his bed, his arm over his eyes, resting. He would remain this way most of the day until the Misfits were both home from work and it was time for supper. I knew my dad had been going over to see Gracie a lot during the past three or four weeks. I figured today would be as tough on him as it was going to be on her parents, her grandparents, other family members and myself, as well as all of those who were following the blogs Gracie and I had wrote together. I left him be, to grieve alone, as I would have wanted to be.
I decided to clear my head a bit with a run around the neighborhood before I sat down to blog, as per one of our many pinky promises. It was important to Gracie that I kept the blogs going after she left us. She would talk to me about our many blog following friends, which she referred to as 'our BFF's'. Having friends were also important to Gracie, and I know this from our conversations. When her friends deserted her after finding out her life would be cut short, she never talked about how devastating that was to her, she only talked about getting more friends. One of the first things she looked at when we pulled up our blogs was how many new friends the screen told us there was. There was not a day went by where we would see less than at least five new blog followers, or BFF's. I made a promise to myself from the very first time I visited Gracie, that I would never disappoint her, so getting the blog out about the day she died was not an option. I just needed to get these fingers fired up and get on it. And so I did. And that was the last time I blogged anything, about Gracie or anything else. I blog everyday, but I was coming up empty the four days after she left. Today, five days later, that would change.
Outside of a small memorial service on Tuesday for Grace I had not spoken or made contact with her parents. They had text me several times in the past four days, but I never responded back. I was not in denial of Grace's passing, I was not trying to reverse the events that lead up to her leaving us, I simply did not know what to say to them that they probably have not already heard. When they could not get a hold of me, they called my dad to check up on me. So with a bit of pressure from my dad, I knew I would eventually have to do this.
Gracie's parents have not yet been back to their home since the day Gracie died. They had prearranged plans, as directed by Gracie, to get away and be together. She had asked them to take a little vacation in her memory and when they returned back to their home, they would not cry for her anymore. Her dad's boss had given them a get away trip for two weeks in his beach home, with the use of his boat and anything else they would like to use. So that is where they took off to, with the intention of me meeting up with them for a few days. That is what they wanted in all those texts and messages they have been leaving me. This morning I would answer the call when it came from her father.
He invited me to go boating/fishing with them for the day. I accepted. Why?
Pinky Promise: "You have to go fishing and skiing with my mommy and daddy to be with them so they are not alone. I do not even care if you do not like fishing. You have to. And I will know if you do not because I will be watching you, you know."
The drive to the beach house was under an hour, but I would get there a bit beyond an hour. I found myself having to push myself to get there, and the reason was I had no idea what I would say to Grace's parents. I had reached out to my resources for advice, and even though they both told me to just speak from my heart, I felt nothing I could muster from with-in could comfort any parents when they just faced the loss of their child. Speak from the heart would churn over and over in my mind. Nothing you could rehearse would be even close to speaking from the heart.
I was late. I hadn't shaved in three days. I cried everyday since Sunday. And I hate the thought of fishing. What was I doing here I thought as I sat in my truck in front of the lot behind the beach homes. I grabbed my backpack and headed up to the beach house of the address I had been given. I was greeted by Grace's parents who looked very relaxed and well rested. That instantly made me very happy and I know it had to have Gracie smiling huge from God's Park, or Heaven, where ever she was in her journey in eternity at this time. Grace's dad, Bill, shook his head as he shook my hand to greet me. "You know right now our Gracie is frowning down on you for being late, not being shaved, and tired crying eyes", he said to me. "I know", I told him, "I really stacked the deck against me today, and now I have to be happy about fishing." We shared a few smiles and a few laughs over how my bossy angel would of verbally disapproved of all the wrongs about me today that she spent many hours trying to correct before she died. "Well she gave us a beautiful day to boat and fish so put on some life and lets get out there", her mom (Annie) told me. And so we packed the boat and headed out for four hours of togetherness, which was sure to make Gracie giggle as she watched us enjoy the day.
My heart was still very much hurting for Bill and Annie and I still was a little uncomfortable on what the next few hours would be like as far as conversation. The first hour we sat and visited, drank soda's and ate sandwiches Annie had made. The conversation was light and airy, with the both of them quizzing me about my college classes, my summer internship, and my summer job helping at a hockey camp. I expressed to them how happy it made me that they seemed to be well rested and that they seemed to be enjoying their time together. They were doing OK, Bill assured me. Annie told me that not every moment for them is an easy one but they were very much trying to abide by Gracie's wishes to keep going forward with their life together with out her. I understood because I to was working on everything Gracie had instructed me to do, everything she had prepared me for once she left.
The next conversation we engaged ourselves in were about Gracie's and mine blogs. Bill had kept up with our blogs until Grace told him he had to stop for a while because they would reveal information of things she was doing for them that she wanted them to find AG (after Grace). Annie never brought her self to the point where she could read them while Grace was still alive. I never understood her reasoning for that and I never questioned it either, but today she would share her thoughts on it with me. She explained to me that she felt reading all of Grace's inner secrets and thoughts during this most difficult time would alter the way she would treat Grace. She wanted to maintain her integrity to Grace's care, doing what she felt was natural to this situation, and not jeopardizing herself questioning what she was doing for Grace, as her mother. "Does that makes sense to you at all?", she would ask. "Yes, it does now, and I think that was very unselfish of you to do", I answered her.
It wasn't long before we found ourselves throwing out lines to fish. I quietly prayed I would catch nothing and not have to deal with the whole idea of reeling it in and having to labor over the poor thing. What's wrong with leaving them in the ocean and letting them be? "As much as you don't want to catch one, you know Grace is down there pointing them to your hook right?", Bill said. "I have more years of praying in me than she does", I answered. "But she always gets her way", he replied, as we all laughed. It wasn't but a few seconds later and my damn line was being tugged. This would be the first of three for me today, and hopefully the last in my lifetime. Give me water, but freeze it so I can skate on it, and I'll be content.
After about an hour of throwing out lines and praying all the fish were deeper than my hook would ever go, we sat back again for some more conversation. It was relaxing and refreshing and several times in the next hour or so I would think about how this friendship was forming between Grace's parents and myself. They had accepted me into Grace's final months very quickly, however that time was more for Grace and what little I did get to sit and visit with them was always full of tension and stress due to the reason we had met in the first place. Not that I didn't consider them friends to me, but their time, as well as mine, was more focused on Grace. Today was the start of a much deeper, solid friendship, that was sure to continue to grow as we shared more about our lives with each other, and share our memories of Grace with each other.
I was well on my home thinking about this day as I drove, with the Barney song playing behind the thoughts in the back of my mind. I smiled when I thought about how BG (before Grace) the Barney song was never apart of my music genre selections. I cringed when my next thought was that either was Justin Bieber. I was startled by a voice that I have yet to figure out where it came from "that was a great day on the water". Before I realized I was alone I had already answered this voice, "yes it was". I looked around the inside of my truck as I approached my house. I saw no one, but I knew I was not alone. I am never alone. I have my angel guides flying next to me and appearing at a moments notice of the need for them.
I said goodbye to Gracie on Sunday morning, leaving the hospital knowing it would be the last time I visited my little friend on earth and would now have to visit her in my heart. I went home that day and laid on my bed waiting for word that Gracie had passed away. When I had left, her parents were returning to her room to spend her final moments on earth with her. I had not been home for more than an hour when my dad came into my room and told me that Grace had passed away. My dad was extremely quiet as he stood next to my bed for a few minutes after telling me the sad news. I said nothing, he said nothing, but the silence spoke volumes for both of us. My dad left my room as I continued to lay on my bed and just think about the last few months of Gracie's life, and the last few months of mine having spent many days and many hours with her.
The house was quiet today, but not due to anything out of the ordinary. The other Misfits were at work, Zander (Alex) at the family owned neighborhood grocery store and Upc (Charlie) at Spikes Dawgs. It was always low key and quiet at our house on Sundays but this Sunday the silence was a little different. There was a sadness to the silence, much like the silence I sat in the day Joey died after everyone else said their goodbye's after he had passed away and they left the room. It was not an uncomfortable silence then, and it was not on this day either. It was a peaceful, calm kind of silence as if all was right with the world.
I decided to drag myself out of my room and go find my dad. I found him laying on his bed, his arm over his eyes, resting. He would remain this way most of the day until the Misfits were both home from work and it was time for supper. I knew my dad had been going over to see Gracie a lot during the past three or four weeks. I figured today would be as tough on him as it was going to be on her parents, her grandparents, other family members and myself, as well as all of those who were following the blogs Gracie and I had wrote together. I left him be, to grieve alone, as I would have wanted to be.
I decided to clear my head a bit with a run around the neighborhood before I sat down to blog, as per one of our many pinky promises. It was important to Gracie that I kept the blogs going after she left us. She would talk to me about our many blog following friends, which she referred to as 'our BFF's'. Having friends were also important to Gracie, and I know this from our conversations. When her friends deserted her after finding out her life would be cut short, she never talked about how devastating that was to her, she only talked about getting more friends. One of the first things she looked at when we pulled up our blogs was how many new friends the screen told us there was. There was not a day went by where we would see less than at least five new blog followers, or BFF's. I made a promise to myself from the very first time I visited Gracie, that I would never disappoint her, so getting the blog out about the day she died was not an option. I just needed to get these fingers fired up and get on it. And so I did. And that was the last time I blogged anything, about Gracie or anything else. I blog everyday, but I was coming up empty the four days after she left. Today, five days later, that would change.
Outside of a small memorial service on Tuesday for Grace I had not spoken or made contact with her parents. They had text me several times in the past four days, but I never responded back. I was not in denial of Grace's passing, I was not trying to reverse the events that lead up to her leaving us, I simply did not know what to say to them that they probably have not already heard. When they could not get a hold of me, they called my dad to check up on me. So with a bit of pressure from my dad, I knew I would eventually have to do this.
Gracie's parents have not yet been back to their home since the day Gracie died. They had prearranged plans, as directed by Gracie, to get away and be together. She had asked them to take a little vacation in her memory and when they returned back to their home, they would not cry for her anymore. Her dad's boss had given them a get away trip for two weeks in his beach home, with the use of his boat and anything else they would like to use. So that is where they took off to, with the intention of me meeting up with them for a few days. That is what they wanted in all those texts and messages they have been leaving me. This morning I would answer the call when it came from her father.
He invited me to go boating/fishing with them for the day. I accepted. Why?
Pinky Promise: "You have to go fishing and skiing with my mommy and daddy to be with them so they are not alone. I do not even care if you do not like fishing. You have to. And I will know if you do not because I will be watching you, you know."
The drive to the beach house was under an hour, but I would get there a bit beyond an hour. I found myself having to push myself to get there, and the reason was I had no idea what I would say to Grace's parents. I had reached out to my resources for advice, and even though they both told me to just speak from my heart, I felt nothing I could muster from with-in could comfort any parents when they just faced the loss of their child. Speak from the heart would churn over and over in my mind. Nothing you could rehearse would be even close to speaking from the heart.
I was late. I hadn't shaved in three days. I cried everyday since Sunday. And I hate the thought of fishing. What was I doing here I thought as I sat in my truck in front of the lot behind the beach homes. I grabbed my backpack and headed up to the beach house of the address I had been given. I was greeted by Grace's parents who looked very relaxed and well rested. That instantly made me very happy and I know it had to have Gracie smiling huge from God's Park, or Heaven, where ever she was in her journey in eternity at this time. Grace's dad, Bill, shook his head as he shook my hand to greet me. "You know right now our Gracie is frowning down on you for being late, not being shaved, and tired crying eyes", he said to me. "I know", I told him, "I really stacked the deck against me today, and now I have to be happy about fishing." We shared a few smiles and a few laughs over how my bossy angel would of verbally disapproved of all the wrongs about me today that she spent many hours trying to correct before she died. "Well she gave us a beautiful day to boat and fish so put on some life and lets get out there", her mom (Annie) told me. And so we packed the boat and headed out for four hours of togetherness, which was sure to make Gracie giggle as she watched us enjoy the day.
My heart was still very much hurting for Bill and Annie and I still was a little uncomfortable on what the next few hours would be like as far as conversation. The first hour we sat and visited, drank soda's and ate sandwiches Annie had made. The conversation was light and airy, with the both of them quizzing me about my college classes, my summer internship, and my summer job helping at a hockey camp. I expressed to them how happy it made me that they seemed to be well rested and that they seemed to be enjoying their time together. They were doing OK, Bill assured me. Annie told me that not every moment for them is an easy one but they were very much trying to abide by Gracie's wishes to keep going forward with their life together with out her. I understood because I to was working on everything Gracie had instructed me to do, everything she had prepared me for once she left.
The next conversation we engaged ourselves in were about Gracie's and mine blogs. Bill had kept up with our blogs until Grace told him he had to stop for a while because they would reveal information of things she was doing for them that she wanted them to find AG (after Grace). Annie never brought her self to the point where she could read them while Grace was still alive. I never understood her reasoning for that and I never questioned it either, but today she would share her thoughts on it with me. She explained to me that she felt reading all of Grace's inner secrets and thoughts during this most difficult time would alter the way she would treat Grace. She wanted to maintain her integrity to Grace's care, doing what she felt was natural to this situation, and not jeopardizing herself questioning what she was doing for Grace, as her mother. "Does that makes sense to you at all?", she would ask. "Yes, it does now, and I think that was very unselfish of you to do", I answered her.
It wasn't long before we found ourselves throwing out lines to fish. I quietly prayed I would catch nothing and not have to deal with the whole idea of reeling it in and having to labor over the poor thing. What's wrong with leaving them in the ocean and letting them be? "As much as you don't want to catch one, you know Grace is down there pointing them to your hook right?", Bill said. "I have more years of praying in me than she does", I answered. "But she always gets her way", he replied, as we all laughed. It wasn't but a few seconds later and my damn line was being tugged. This would be the first of three for me today, and hopefully the last in my lifetime. Give me water, but freeze it so I can skate on it, and I'll be content.
After about an hour of throwing out lines and praying all the fish were deeper than my hook would ever go, we sat back again for some more conversation. It was relaxing and refreshing and several times in the next hour or so I would think about how this friendship was forming between Grace's parents and myself. They had accepted me into Grace's final months very quickly, however that time was more for Grace and what little I did get to sit and visit with them was always full of tension and stress due to the reason we had met in the first place. Not that I didn't consider them friends to me, but their time, as well as mine, was more focused on Grace. Today was the start of a much deeper, solid friendship, that was sure to continue to grow as we shared more about our lives with each other, and share our memories of Grace with each other.
I was well on my home thinking about this day as I drove, with the Barney song playing behind the thoughts in the back of my mind. I smiled when I thought about how BG (before Grace) the Barney song was never apart of my music genre selections. I cringed when my next thought was that either was Justin Bieber. I was startled by a voice that I have yet to figure out where it came from "that was a great day on the water". Before I realized I was alone I had already answered this voice, "yes it was". I looked around the inside of my truck as I approached my house. I saw no one, but I knew I was not alone. I am never alone. I have my angel guides flying next to me and appearing at a moments notice of the need for them.
Make yourself familiar with the angels, and behold them frequently in spirit;
for without being seen, they are present with you. ~ St. Francis De Sales
