Casting Blame : Childhood Abuse Awareness

                                                   

I am not seeking anywhere to cast blame for my past.  The span of my childhood from age seven to fourteen can not be labeled as normal, or can it?  One in every 100 children are abused, 75% of them are victims of neglect.  Meaning under the care of a parent or guardian they are not provided the basic means of life.  Their parent or guardian fails to provide them with medical care, educational care, emotional support or the opportunity to be physical outside their home.   The other 25% are victims of physical, mental, and sexual abuse, as is my background.
It would be easy to blame my birth dad for throwing me into the statistic of child abuse victim.  I can think of a million different statistic's and study's I'd rather be a part of then the 25% I am in.  I can hate him all I want, I can blame him all I want, I can forget it all I want but that doesn't change any of the things that happened to me during those seven years.  I still get angry, I still get sad, I still have nightmares.  The difference between myself now and me fourteen years ago is that while time never healed those old wounds, time has taught me I was not alone in a world where child abuse gets swept under a rug behind closed doors.

I was never angry with my mom for not removing me from that house, from not getting me away from my abuser dad.  I survived with her by my side. She was just trying to survive herself.  I realize my life for those seven years could have been much worse.  I could not only be in the 25% of the abuse statistic I could very easily have been in the other 75% where the neglect took growth opportunities away from those in that category.  My mom at least home schooled me and held me accountable to do the best I could, learn to read well, speak clearly.  During the days when my birth dad was at work I was allowed to play outside, in fact it was encouraged and some of my fondest memories about Sioux City IA was walking the avenue in Morningside daily, weather permitting.  My mom showered me with love and taught me how to love.  I was at least mentally and emotionally and physically strong even though I could not reveal that to my abuser who saw me as weak.

I had my brothers to look up to and Joey looked after me best he could before he got sick.  And he kept his word to me even while he was dying.  He would make sure my life got better and I had opportunities in my life he never did.  He died leaving me in the hands of his two very best friends who have helped me get to this point in my life today.  I am free of the childhood abuse I endured but the pain of the past is something I may never be free of in my journey on earth.  The one thing that remains in my mind is the statement "It could have been worse."

I can shoot childhood abuse and neglect statistic's to you all day long but the only number you need to remember when it comes to children is the number one.  One child abused is one child to many.  One child neglected is one child to many.  One child's death due to neglect and/or abuse is one child too many.  We may never be able to end child abuse but we can certainly open our eyes to our surroundings.  We can offer help, or we can contact people who can help.  We can make a difference in the statistics, improve them.

My family kept the abuse in our home a secret.  We silenced ourselves, out of fear, maybe embarrassment, perhaps we had no idea where to turn, where to run, where to hide.  So we hid in the house that we were abused in.  We sheltered ourselves from the world.   Someone knew, someone expected, someone wondered, but no one cared.  It was "none of my business" or 'I had no proof".  When it comes to the welfare of children it is ALL of OUR business.  In todays world we have access to so much social media, so much information via the internet.  In life, when something does not feel right, it is often wrong.  Our instincts tell us something does not seem right, our hearts hurt at the thought of wrong doing, but we let our minds convince us to stay out of it.  Challenge yourself to open your eyes, your ears, your heart to a child you feel needs someone to stand up for them, then open your mouth and find a way to set them free.

An average of five children die each day from abuse and/or neglect.  FIVE to many.

Standing In Judgment

The world would be a boring place if we were all the same.

One of the most grave errors we as humans make in our lives is to try to cure our pain through the judgment of others.  It somehow makes us feel better and less lonely when we can pick apart how others live.  Pointing out the differences in others takes the burden of what we do not like about ourselves off our minds.  It's as if somehow ridiculing someone else will make the pain of who we are go away.  The issue with that theory is that it is short lived, that feeling we get from thinking we are better then the person we are making fun of doesn't last very long.

Being short or tall, thin or fat, black or white, bears no weight on who is inside the shell we live in on earth.  What we wear or how we wear it, what we eat or what we drive does not define who we are on the inside.  Whether our hair is black, orange, green or even whether we are bald does not tell the story of where we came from. 

The story of our life lives inside our souls and the only way anyone will have access to that story is if we choose to share it with them.  Any other assumption we have on what someone else's past has been like would be us judging them based on the shell we see them wearing.  You often hear 'Never judge a book buy its cover' and as simple as that phrase sounds to understand many people believe it is about picking up a book and reading it before you say it is good or bad.  That theory is meant to throw critic's off their game.  No one can judge for you whether you will like a book, a movie, a game, or even a piece of art.  Therefore you should keep in mind that listening to someone else's opinion on what you may or may not like is senseless  Find out for your self, let yourself be the judge of what sits before you in life.

Something I challenge myself on throughout my day is to get to know the situations I face before I cast judgment on what its appearance is.  It is hard not to jump to conclusions and proves just as difficult to keep my thoughts to myself before I get the real story.  It is something I practice daily and the more I am aware of this the easier it becomes to not sit in judgment of others.  This challenge I have taken on with myself has placed a lot of great people in my life that I may have otherwise written off by judging without conviction before I approached them through friendship.  I am far from being the perfect human, or the perfect child of God and realizing I am still growing in my own spiritual world has benefited me in being a nicer person to those I cross paths with.

The following blog review will best describe to you how judging those you do not know can both destroy you and renew your faith in others at the same time.  (Beautiful Life Moments).  Challenge yourself to take time in your day to find the greatness of others when others are judging them based on their 'cover' in life.  Challenge yourself to open the book before you toss it to the side.  When you catch yourself judging someone, stop yourself.  What judgment are you making towards someone you do not know that is causing you to avoid judging yourself and making yourself a better person.

You do not become more attractive because you called someone ugly.  You do not get skinner because you called someone fat.  You do not gain riches by making fun of someone who is poor.  What will make you a better person, what will make you happier with who you are, is to reach out to others in need.  Lend a hand, share a smile, pay it forward.  Work on yourself from the inside out, that my friend, will make you more beautiful.  Feed someone who is hungry, that my friend, will make you fuller.  Gift some a nice winter coat, that my friend, will make you warmer.  Paying if forward will make you feel better about yourself, and less bitter about others.

You have two hands, one to help yourself and one to help others.

Cross to Bear

"Our journey on earth will challenge us with many crosses to bear. 

 No one cross is any heavier than the other." ~ Jett

"Walk a mile in my shoes" is a phrase you often hear when you are standing in front of someone expressing to them a burden heavy on your heart and clouding your mind about whatever cross you are bearing in your life.   It's probably one of my least favorite phrases we as humans toss around.  It's as if the person making that statement to you is telling you that their troubles are worse then your own.  That their life is somehow much harder to live then the life you are living.  I believe we all have our cross to bear and that no matter what we are going through there are others going through a hardship in their own lives that is just as hard for them to understand and get through as our own. 

I have blogged about many of the times I was struggling in my life in one way or another.  It is therapeutic for me to blog about my life. My past, my present and what the future may or may not hold for me.  It is not to compare my struggles in life with the struggles of anyone else in the world. In fact, my hope is that someone, somewhere in the world, will feel like they are not alone in the struggles that they face when they read about mine.

It is no secret to anyone who reads my blogs that I was abused mentally, physically and sexually in the house I grew up in.  It is no secret that many children are mentally, physically and sexually abused at the hands of a family member, or a friend of the family, or even a stranger.  There are many children who are no doubt mentally, physically and sexually abused that we do not know about.  There are many children who are abused that some people know are abused but do not offer them help in getting out of the situation they are in.  It is tragic for all that have fallen victim at the hands of their abusers.  It is a cross to bear in life that no child should ever have to carry through their lives, yet many children do.

No child of abuse has it any worse, or any better, then the next child being abused.  To try to compare whose pain is bigger, whose hurt is deeper, or whose abuse is worse is demeaning to anyone who has been abused.  It's like the difference of a white lie and a flat out lie.  While the white lie is to protect someone's feelings, it is still a lie.  "Thy shall not bear false witness" is one of the ten commandments and it speaks of untruthful words against one another.  It does not say "Thy should not bear false witness with the exception of the white lie".   A lie is a lie and the truth is the truth, no matter to what degree either has been told.  It is the same with the cross we bear in our lives.  A struggle is a struggle and not one of us struggles any more or less then the next person. 

I am twenty-one and from the ages of seven to fourteen I was a victim of abuse by my birth dad.  I will struggle with the reasoning for this abuse the rest of my life,  Even if my birth dad was still alive today I would never understand the sins he committed against me, but it is not in my nature to not keep trying to figure out (1) what I did to deserve the abuse, (2) what I could have done differently to avoid the abuse and (3) why my birth dad did not love me.  My brothers more then likely suffered through the same abuse as I did although two of them are now deceased and cannot answer that question for me.  My living brother confirmed his abuse for me but chooses to not openly deal with the struggle of that part of his past.  I don't feel my abuse was any worse then what they went through, even though my brother and I handle our past history differently. 

I don't know what my brother feels in his heart about what he went through but I don't know how it could compare any differently to mine, or to any other child that was, or is being, abused today.  The abuse may be different but the scars it leaves in our souls is the same.  The memories etched in our minds may be different but the nightmares are the same.  The pain it leaves in our hearts shows outwardly at different levels but the question as to why we were not loved by our abusers is the same.  It never leaves you, just like the death of a loved one never goes away, the nightmares of our past will always keep us on the edge of a goodnights sleep.

It makes me sad in my heart when I come across someone who feels the need to challenge others on the severity of the cross they bear in life.  What it is about their struggle for them to feel the need to have it worse then the rest of us?  How does the need to have it worse then anyone else make it any easier to cope with whatever struggle you face.  What makes your situation, your past, your abuse, any harsher then the next victim?  What makes the cross you bear in life any heavier then anyone else's?

I think the most inspiring words ever spoken to me when I questioned someone's fate was the day I asked my little friend Gracie who was dying of brain cancer what I thought would bring a completely different answer then the one I received.

“If you had one wish that you knew would be granted, what would you wish for?”  With little thought her answer sent tears rolling down my face.  “I would wish that no one else in the world would ever get cancer, and go through all the pain and fears that I have … and that I will be the last one ever, to have to die, because of cancer.” ( Meeting Amazing Gracie additional blog link)

"I will never ask you to walk a mile in my shoes, but I will walk next to you in your journey.  As long as I can I will help you carry whatever cross you are bearing and make your burden lighter." 

~ Jett