I was still carrying the card with me that Grace had written to one of my school tots, Carlos, who lost his little brother in a biking accident a few weeks ago. Carlos had been out sick this week and each day I had hoped I would see him there when it was time for class. Today my hopes were answered. If you remember, Carlos had chosen to skip making a card for Grace like his classmates, and instead opted to write her a little letter. The card I carried was sealed and I respected the privacy between Grace and Carlos. She had no problem sharing his letter to her with me, and I had hoped Carlos would want to share hers to him with me as well. I would not be upset either way, whatever Carlos decided, I would respect.
I was done teaching the tots last week and this week I was the student helper, assisting the teachers in the class rooms and observing their teaching methods and skills. The remainder of this school year would be used to prepare the students for their advancement into the next grade in the new school year. This gave me a good opportunity to visit with Carlos one on one and give him the card from Grace. It also gave me the opportunity to get a feel for Carlos because I wanted to spend some time with him this summer if his mom would allow that, but first I wanted to make sure this is something he would like. Nothing major, I told him, but just hook up a couple times and hang out. Carlos was up to this so the next thing on my agenda would be to visit with his mom and figure out what might work for all three of us.
I told Carlos that there was something else I wanted to talk to him about. I wanted to tell him that Grace had made a card for him personally, and that she was really excited that he wrote her a letter. I set the card on the desk in front of him and told him that he was welcome to read that card whenever he felt he wanted to. He could read it now, or he could take it home with him and read it. Carlos picked up that card very carefully and held it in his hands. He did not look up at me, he just sat and looked at his card. "I will leave you alone Carlos", I told him, "but if you need me for anything, just let me know." I walked away from Carlos' desk and moved about the room, helping the other students with the things they were working on, answering their questions and helping out where I could. Almost 15 minutes into the class their regular classroom teacher called her students to order. She had asked me if I would like to address the class one more time as fourth graders. I thanked them for making this internship fun and exciting and for being very studious and for all the things they taught me. We talked a bit about the time we had spent together and then the questions started. I answered each question I could as honestly and direct as I could, most of them regarding what I would be doing now that I was done with them. Then one of the students asked me about Grace, how will they know when she was no longer with us.
I had not yet shared with them that Grace had to go to the hospital and in a matter of days she would rest herself in peace and be one more angel amongst us. I told them how Grace enjoyed all the cards very much and how she smiled each and every time she opened the next one. I updated them on her health and answered their questions about what happens next. I found myself surprising calm today, having this conversation regarding where Grace was in her fight against cancer. I had spent the last two nights with her at the hospital so she would not be alone as she insisted her parents went home and got their night of sleep both nights. It wasn't the most pleasant conversation to have with the tots, but it is the one they wanted to have. It was near bell time, which meant it was close to the last few minutes I would be with the tots this school year. Their teacher would dismiss them when the bell rang and I stood by the door one last time, to get my hugs, my knuckle bumps, my smiles and a few punches in the arm. A few of the tots handed me notes they had written to thank me and I even scored a few homemade cookies from Katie. I would not tell Grace about these cookies.
Carlos had walked out with the rest of the students, and when he did I knelt and gave him a hug. After all the kids were gone and I was gathering up my things for the final time, I turned to see Carlos standing behind me with a woman who I guessed was his mom. I would be right, and Carlos introduced us and asked me if I would ask his mom now, if we could hang out this summer. We visited for maybe 30 minutes and it was not until the end of our visit that I would learn that Carlos' mom was a follower of mine and Grace's blog. She had found out about Grace from Carlos. I noticed the card was in his hands that Grace had sent with me to give to him. I noticed it had not been opened. "Carlos, would you like to read the card together? I noticed you have not read it yet", I asked him. He took the card and slowly tore open the envelope and pulled out the card that had been made for him. He handed me the card, "You can read it to me."
Thank you for the nice letter. I will give your little brother a hug for you and we will go look for your daddy. If I do this, you have to promise to me that you will have lots of fun times so he can watch you be happy. If he is in your heart he is with you all the times you are happy and sad. It does not hurt to die.
I put the card back into the envelope and handed it back to Carlos. I gave him a hug and exchanged numbers with his mom so we could make contact this summer. Carlos grabbed my hand, "Mr. Pauling do you think it does not hurt to die?" I looked at Carlos and then at his mom. I had very little information regarding his brothers accident and how much he may or may not have suffered. I knelt down to Carlos and grabbed his other hand. "I don't know Carlos. I cannot imagine anything that hurts more than a broken heart. A broken bone will hurt but it will heal. When you have a headache you can take medicine and it will go away. You scrape a knee and you clean it and put a bandage on it and in a few days it starts to go away. But when something happens to hurt your heart, it hurts for a long time. I bet your little brother, even if he hurt when the accident happened, does not hurt at all right now. I bet your heart is hurting more than he did before he died. My heart still hurts for when my sister died, and my brothers, and then my mom. When it hurts lots, I think about all the fun times and it makes it hurt less. So I do not know if it hurts to die, but my guess would be that it hurts less than the pain in our hearts."
Carlos hugged me one last time, "Maybe when we hang out together this summer we can have fun and my little brother will be happy to watch us." I stood up, looked at this little guy and said, "I bet it will make our friend Gracie smile too, and maybe they will be sitting together in God's park watching us having fun." I would drive away from the school today, sad that I was done for the summer, but happy that I would get to spend time with Carlos, and by doing that I would know for sure, if he was truly OK or not.
I would be sure to share this story with Grace tonight, when I went up to stay with her. I was sure she would be happy to hear that Carlos and I were going to hang out a bit this summer. She would be proud of the both of us.
I was done teaching the tots last week and this week I was the student helper, assisting the teachers in the class rooms and observing their teaching methods and skills. The remainder of this school year would be used to prepare the students for their advancement into the next grade in the new school year. This gave me a good opportunity to visit with Carlos one on one and give him the card from Grace. It also gave me the opportunity to get a feel for Carlos because I wanted to spend some time with him this summer if his mom would allow that, but first I wanted to make sure this is something he would like. Nothing major, I told him, but just hook up a couple times and hang out. Carlos was up to this so the next thing on my agenda would be to visit with his mom and figure out what might work for all three of us.
I told Carlos that there was something else I wanted to talk to him about. I wanted to tell him that Grace had made a card for him personally, and that she was really excited that he wrote her a letter. I set the card on the desk in front of him and told him that he was welcome to read that card whenever he felt he wanted to. He could read it now, or he could take it home with him and read it. Carlos picked up that card very carefully and held it in his hands. He did not look up at me, he just sat and looked at his card. "I will leave you alone Carlos", I told him, "but if you need me for anything, just let me know." I walked away from Carlos' desk and moved about the room, helping the other students with the things they were working on, answering their questions and helping out where I could. Almost 15 minutes into the class their regular classroom teacher called her students to order. She had asked me if I would like to address the class one more time as fourth graders. I thanked them for making this internship fun and exciting and for being very studious and for all the things they taught me. We talked a bit about the time we had spent together and then the questions started. I answered each question I could as honestly and direct as I could, most of them regarding what I would be doing now that I was done with them. Then one of the students asked me about Grace, how will they know when she was no longer with us.
I had not yet shared with them that Grace had to go to the hospital and in a matter of days she would rest herself in peace and be one more angel amongst us. I told them how Grace enjoyed all the cards very much and how she smiled each and every time she opened the next one. I updated them on her health and answered their questions about what happens next. I found myself surprising calm today, having this conversation regarding where Grace was in her fight against cancer. I had spent the last two nights with her at the hospital so she would not be alone as she insisted her parents went home and got their night of sleep both nights. It wasn't the most pleasant conversation to have with the tots, but it is the one they wanted to have. It was near bell time, which meant it was close to the last few minutes I would be with the tots this school year. Their teacher would dismiss them when the bell rang and I stood by the door one last time, to get my hugs, my knuckle bumps, my smiles and a few punches in the arm. A few of the tots handed me notes they had written to thank me and I even scored a few homemade cookies from Katie. I would not tell Grace about these cookies.
Carlos had walked out with the rest of the students, and when he did I knelt and gave him a hug. After all the kids were gone and I was gathering up my things for the final time, I turned to see Carlos standing behind me with a woman who I guessed was his mom. I would be right, and Carlos introduced us and asked me if I would ask his mom now, if we could hang out this summer. We visited for maybe 30 minutes and it was not until the end of our visit that I would learn that Carlos' mom was a follower of mine and Grace's blog. She had found out about Grace from Carlos. I noticed the card was in his hands that Grace had sent with me to give to him. I noticed it had not been opened. "Carlos, would you like to read the card together? I noticed you have not read it yet", I asked him. He took the card and slowly tore open the envelope and pulled out the card that had been made for him. He handed me the card, "You can read it to me."
Thank you for the nice letter. I will give your little brother a hug for you and we will go look for your daddy. If I do this, you have to promise to me that you will have lots of fun times so he can watch you be happy. If he is in your heart he is with you all the times you are happy and sad. It does not hurt to die.
I put the card back into the envelope and handed it back to Carlos. I gave him a hug and exchanged numbers with his mom so we could make contact this summer. Carlos grabbed my hand, "Mr. Pauling do you think it does not hurt to die?" I looked at Carlos and then at his mom. I had very little information regarding his brothers accident and how much he may or may not have suffered. I knelt down to Carlos and grabbed his other hand. "I don't know Carlos. I cannot imagine anything that hurts more than a broken heart. A broken bone will hurt but it will heal. When you have a headache you can take medicine and it will go away. You scrape a knee and you clean it and put a bandage on it and in a few days it starts to go away. But when something happens to hurt your heart, it hurts for a long time. I bet your little brother, even if he hurt when the accident happened, does not hurt at all right now. I bet your heart is hurting more than he did before he died. My heart still hurts for when my sister died, and my brothers, and then my mom. When it hurts lots, I think about all the fun times and it makes it hurt less. So I do not know if it hurts to die, but my guess would be that it hurts less than the pain in our hearts."
Carlos hugged me one last time, "Maybe when we hang out together this summer we can have fun and my little brother will be happy to watch us." I stood up, looked at this little guy and said, "I bet it will make our friend Gracie smile too, and maybe they will be sitting together in God's park watching us having fun." I would drive away from the school today, sad that I was done for the summer, but happy that I would get to spend time with Carlos, and by doing that I would know for sure, if he was truly OK or not.
I would be sure to share this story with Grace tonight, when I went up to stay with her. I was sure she would be happy to hear that Carlos and I were going to hang out a bit this summer. She would be proud of the both of us.
