Ceddy was always the calm one of the gang of skaters we hung with. I was the worrier, trying to keep the guys in line with the law, none of us needed that. Ceddy was the one that calmed the guys down when things started to get out of hand. Most of us followed his lead without even realizing what he was doing. When Alana became his 'out' for skate time with us boys we talked about how we missed him in our Froggy Park antics. When the boys got rowdy I would try to calm them down, bring them to their senses. But it was Ceddy who controlled that about our gang. No one else was that "kewl". I whined to the guys about 'getting caught' or 'someones going to call the cops'. Ceddy just stared them down, not saying a word, and turned around and walked away. We all followed him. Who would we follow now when things started to go south?
It troubles me deeply that none of us saw this in Ceddy. That we allowed his lies to deceive us. Did we do this to avoid his pain? Did we do this to let him wallow in his sadness? Why could none of us see that his absence from our time on the streets meant more then we wanted it to, that his absence from the rink meant he was walking with his own shadow of pain. ~ Jett
May 11, 2013: Saturday week 5
It's harder than it seems it would be, to avoid getting back into life but making sure everyone around you thinks you are trying to move on. The lies I am telling are starting to make me lie to myself too. I made sure to call Jett today, tell him I was feeling low. The guy that never lies, I am lying to the most. Its painful to do this, to the one guy that has always been there for all of us boys. Feeling low was the lie, keeping Jett in tune with this charade was the chore.
Me and Addie went to Av's game today. Celebrated his win with a trip to the buffet. Addie would tell mom how much we all ate. What a a way to convince her I was eating good, laughing lots, and having fun again. Its amazing how people are really, like how much they believe the impossible.
I need to keep pushing. I need to keep up the lies. The only thing that was real today was having fun with Addie and Av. The rest of the day was a bust, even though my bucket list is getting shorter. I need to start pushing Alana further back in my mind but its hard to do when she feeds my heart. She is the one that will push me to get done with this game of life.
May 12, 2013: Sunday
A Sunday lie and mom bought it with a shiny silver dollar. Tummy ache mom, I think I ate way to much yesterday. I'll be fine. Go on ahead and I will say my prayers from bed. Took them forever to get out of the house this morning. I went to be with Alana, at least as close as I could. So much left to do I need to get my ass moving on this list.
At least this lonely weekend is gone, over, done with. It didn't pass without pain. I remind myself with each passing weekend, soon will be here, even though it doesn't seem soon enough.
May 13, 2013: Monday
Ran with dad today, Avery ran with us too. Wish I could get Adrian to go too. Would be great father sons memory especially sitting out back after our run for a while, drinking water, talking. Probably the rental units will always be asking me how I'm doing. It's hard dad, but I'm making it. I'm OK mom, I miss her, but I have you. LIES
May 14, 2013: Tuesday
Less and less people around me are asking about me, how I'm doing. No one really talks about Alana anymore except her family. On occasion my dad will talk about her. I wonder how quickly I will be forgotten when I get the hell out of this miserable life. I don't care, I will be with Alana and our together forever plan will be confirmed. Dust in the wind, floating together, souls attached.
Alex, Dylan and Jason made their way over today. Sat out back and lied to them about life. None of them have had a girlfriend for more then a week at a time. They played the bids. Not me, I never rolled in that dust. I have only ever loved Alana. They wont get it until they become consumed with that one girl they would die for. We kicked a ball around the yard, just like the old days. Mom loved feeding my friends, even Dylan who she didn't really care for, not because he wasn't nice, but because he lacked manners. Something only a mom would expect from a hockey boy. She heard the laughs, it had to of convinced her a bit more of life moving on for me.
May 15, 2013: Wednesday
They still haven't made progress on Alana's room. I sat in there for hours today, rummaging through her things. It was like all the pieces of her without a body. I could smell her, I could feel her. I cannot wait to be with her. I stood in the spot under the point of where she hung herself. I closed my eyes to imagine her final thoughts as she slipped the rope around her neck. I remembered the night I gave her the eternity necklace and she assured me she would never go anywhere without it. That wearing it meant I would always be with her. She kept it on that day she dropped herself off that chair to end the misery of inner sadness. I carry it in my pocket these days, because I need to take it with me when I go so she can have it back. I sat on the chair, the chair that last felt the life of my angel, my girl. Lucky chair I thought.
Her sister came and sat on the bed as I rummaged through some drawers. She asked me what I was looking for. Christ, I don't know I wanted to tell her. The truth would be that I wanted to know what I could of done to stop her, the LIE I told was that I was bored and I just thought it would pass time for me. I hope they take their time in removing this piece of Alana from their lives because it was all I had left right now. Soon Alana, soon, but not today.
May 16, 2013: Thursday
If a day could be any bleaker then today I would end it right now. Woke up with a headache that would make a rap songs beat seem like a polka. I still ran with dad today though. I didn't need anyone thinking this was depression. Probably it was, but the only one that needed to know that was me. Well me and Jett, because the lies to him had to be more creative. He questions everything. I had to be a better liar to him because that kid has the purest soul on earth. He can't tell a lie but he can detect them. His girls a lucky girl, he would see in her the troubles of Alana if they were in her. Not me, I was fooled. The fooled has become the fooler.
Adrian came in my room in the middle of the night. He had a nightmare. He thought he could sleep with me better. He asked Avery and but Avery told him to go back to bed. Note to me: make sure Avery understands he has to take care of Adrian when no one else can.
May 17, 2013: Friday
Mom was all over my swearing today. You're such a nice young man but you have a potty mouth. Its those boys you hang around with Cedric, you could do better. I know mom, I know. I would improve my language for her sake, so that when I leave she doesn't think 'good Lord that boy could swear'. Would be a better example for my brothers too, not get them at their ages caught up in a pig life style. I would do my part, maybe preach to them a bit about it. Clean language boys, because moms like a nice boy with a clean mouth.
IPOD central today as I get through another weekend without Alana time. My playlist is "Alana" and I listen to it on continue play remembering the reason behind every song we called "our" song. So many poetic lyrics that seemed they were written just for us. I could add 100 songs easy to this list that fit us in a whole new level. I already know this IPOD will be the last thing I touch, when I erase the playlist and leave it on Avery's dresser. It's a bit eerie when I think about that, but he used it more then I did after he broke his. He will appreciate it and always have it to remember me for something more then the arguing we did.
It troubles me deeply that none of us saw this in Ceddy. That we allowed his lies to deceive us. Did we do this to avoid his pain? Did we do this to let him wallow in his sadness? Why could none of us see that his absence from our time on the streets meant more then we wanted it to, that his absence from the rink meant he was walking with his own shadow of pain. ~ Jett
May 11, 2013: Saturday week 5
It's harder than it seems it would be, to avoid getting back into life but making sure everyone around you thinks you are trying to move on. The lies I am telling are starting to make me lie to myself too. I made sure to call Jett today, tell him I was feeling low. The guy that never lies, I am lying to the most. Its painful to do this, to the one guy that has always been there for all of us boys. Feeling low was the lie, keeping Jett in tune with this charade was the chore.
Me and Addie went to Av's game today. Celebrated his win with a trip to the buffet. Addie would tell mom how much we all ate. What a a way to convince her I was eating good, laughing lots, and having fun again. Its amazing how people are really, like how much they believe the impossible.
I need to keep pushing. I need to keep up the lies. The only thing that was real today was having fun with Addie and Av. The rest of the day was a bust, even though my bucket list is getting shorter. I need to start pushing Alana further back in my mind but its hard to do when she feeds my heart. She is the one that will push me to get done with this game of life.
May 12, 2013: Sunday
A Sunday lie and mom bought it with a shiny silver dollar. Tummy ache mom, I think I ate way to much yesterday. I'll be fine. Go on ahead and I will say my prayers from bed. Took them forever to get out of the house this morning. I went to be with Alana, at least as close as I could. So much left to do I need to get my ass moving on this list.
At least this lonely weekend is gone, over, done with. It didn't pass without pain. I remind myself with each passing weekend, soon will be here, even though it doesn't seem soon enough.
May 13, 2013: Monday
Ran with dad today, Avery ran with us too. Wish I could get Adrian to go too. Would be great father sons memory especially sitting out back after our run for a while, drinking water, talking. Probably the rental units will always be asking me how I'm doing. It's hard dad, but I'm making it. I'm OK mom, I miss her, but I have you. LIES
May 14, 2013: Tuesday
Less and less people around me are asking about me, how I'm doing. No one really talks about Alana anymore except her family. On occasion my dad will talk about her. I wonder how quickly I will be forgotten when I get the hell out of this miserable life. I don't care, I will be with Alana and our together forever plan will be confirmed. Dust in the wind, floating together, souls attached.
Alex, Dylan and Jason made their way over today. Sat out back and lied to them about life. None of them have had a girlfriend for more then a week at a time. They played the bids. Not me, I never rolled in that dust. I have only ever loved Alana. They wont get it until they become consumed with that one girl they would die for. We kicked a ball around the yard, just like the old days. Mom loved feeding my friends, even Dylan who she didn't really care for, not because he wasn't nice, but because he lacked manners. Something only a mom would expect from a hockey boy. She heard the laughs, it had to of convinced her a bit more of life moving on for me.
May 15, 2013: Wednesday
They still haven't made progress on Alana's room. I sat in there for hours today, rummaging through her things. It was like all the pieces of her without a body. I could smell her, I could feel her. I cannot wait to be with her. I stood in the spot under the point of where she hung herself. I closed my eyes to imagine her final thoughts as she slipped the rope around her neck. I remembered the night I gave her the eternity necklace and she assured me she would never go anywhere without it. That wearing it meant I would always be with her. She kept it on that day she dropped herself off that chair to end the misery of inner sadness. I carry it in my pocket these days, because I need to take it with me when I go so she can have it back. I sat on the chair, the chair that last felt the life of my angel, my girl. Lucky chair I thought.
Her sister came and sat on the bed as I rummaged through some drawers. She asked me what I was looking for. Christ, I don't know I wanted to tell her. The truth would be that I wanted to know what I could of done to stop her, the LIE I told was that I was bored and I just thought it would pass time for me. I hope they take their time in removing this piece of Alana from their lives because it was all I had left right now. Soon Alana, soon, but not today.
May 16, 2013: Thursday
If a day could be any bleaker then today I would end it right now. Woke up with a headache that would make a rap songs beat seem like a polka. I still ran with dad today though. I didn't need anyone thinking this was depression. Probably it was, but the only one that needed to know that was me. Well me and Jett, because the lies to him had to be more creative. He questions everything. I had to be a better liar to him because that kid has the purest soul on earth. He can't tell a lie but he can detect them. His girls a lucky girl, he would see in her the troubles of Alana if they were in her. Not me, I was fooled. The fooled has become the fooler.
Adrian came in my room in the middle of the night. He had a nightmare. He thought he could sleep with me better. He asked Avery and but Avery told him to go back to bed. Note to me: make sure Avery understands he has to take care of Adrian when no one else can.
May 17, 2013: Friday
Mom was all over my swearing today. You're such a nice young man but you have a potty mouth. Its those boys you hang around with Cedric, you could do better. I know mom, I know. I would improve my language for her sake, so that when I leave she doesn't think 'good Lord that boy could swear'. Would be a better example for my brothers too, not get them at their ages caught up in a pig life style. I would do my part, maybe preach to them a bit about it. Clean language boys, because moms like a nice boy with a clean mouth.
IPOD central today as I get through another weekend without Alana time. My playlist is "Alana" and I listen to it on continue play remembering the reason behind every song we called "our" song. So many poetic lyrics that seemed they were written just for us. I could add 100 songs easy to this list that fit us in a whole new level. I already know this IPOD will be the last thing I touch, when I erase the playlist and leave it on Avery's dresser. It's a bit eerie when I think about that, but he used it more then I did after he broke his. He will appreciate it and always have it to remember me for something more then the arguing we did.
