Diary of A Weeping Heart Week 9

 I made contact with Ceddy every day this week, more then once a day on many occasions.  I felt Ceddy was in a good place in his soul, in his heart, and his mind.  He told me he was OK, he missed her, but he realized she is where she wanted to be.  This is what she needed to find a happiness inside that she did not feel on earth.  It hurts, he told me, but I'm OK.  He did not lead me to believe he was having a great week,  he really was having the best week of his life since Alana's was gone.  I don't doubt that for a minute today, as I recall the many conversations we had over this week.  I was proud of Ce'dric for finding peace in his loss.  Little did I know he was less then a week away from obtaining the peace I thought he already had.

June 15, 2013 Saturday:
Mean Girl 1 - Today I had lunch with Suzie.  She was excited when I asked her if she wanted to meet up.  "You've been such a great support for me through this all, let my repay you with lunch."  LIE LIE LIE.  Listening to her talk about herself made me want to stab myself in the ears with my fork and hers.  I kept track of our hour and half lunch.  We spent a good 10 minutes on how I was doing and the next 80 minutes covering how special she is to the world.  SHOOT ME DEAD.  When I pull that trigger I will be reliving this lunch.  How I did not just die of boredom I will never know.

 I made a date with Suzie to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Suzie, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?"  I gave Suzie a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. A musical note I had given to Alana as a trinket representing all the love songs we shared between us, but I did not tell Suzie that.

June 16, 2013 Sunday:
Mean Girl 2 - I saw Staci today. I went to the mass her and her family go to.  I invited myself to sit with her through mass.  I wasn't surprised when her dad asked me to join them for Sunday dinner, in fact, I was banking on it.  Staci lectured me on moving on, she was sorry about Alana but I am young and I should get back into life, move forward, I had a lot of life ahead of me.  I invited Staci to come back over to my house for the evening.  We could sit on the deck and have a beer, talk about things. Blah blah blah, how can one girl have so much to say and it amount to a big pile of nothing.

I made a date with Staci to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Staci, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?"  I gave Staci a thin gold chain with a single charm on it.  An anchor I had given to Alana that represented our love for each other and nothing could make that love drift away.

June 17, 2013 Monday:
Mean Girl 3 - I stopped in Starbucks this morning.  "Oh hey Tayna, I didn't know you worked here. How you been?  Thanks for the cards you send to cheer me up."  LIAR LIAR  "Oh hell Tayna who knew right?  Some people just can't deal, just like you said.  She had everything to live for and then she did this to 'us'.  "Oh good too see you too, sure, lets meet up sometime soon.  Hey, you want to grab a bite to eat tonight, catch up?  We met at Olive Garden.  Tayna had no problem telling me how selfish she thought it was of Alana to do this to me.  She thought Alana loved me bigger then that.  I wished I had brought a pair of invisible ear plugs with me.

I made a date with Tayna to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Tayna, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?"  I gave Tayna a thin gold chain with a single charm on it.  An ice skate I had given to Alana that represented what brought us together, that first night I laid eyes on her.

June 18, 2013 Tuesday:
Mean Girl 4 - Allison.  The last and the meanest of the gaggle that pushed Alana to swing. ring ring "hey Allison, its Ce'dric.  I was going through my year book (lie) yesterday and read what you wrote (truth).  Do you remember?  LOL (lie) yeah, "Ce'dric the Welsh, you crushed my heart so many times but I'm happy we could stay friends.  Love your future, Ali".  "Well I was thinking, if you're still single, maybe we could go out on a date.  I'd like to catch up (lie).  "ahhh, well I'm flattered (lie).  "You want to grab lunch today? My treat?"  We met at Dawg's and while Allison filled me in on everything I've missed in the 23 years of her life I chocked down a hotdog.  I thanked Allison for being such a good friend to me since 4th grade where we first met.

I made a date with Allison to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Allison, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?" I gave Allison a thing gold chain with a single charm on it.  A rainbow that represented to Alana that I loved her just the way she was and she would always be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbows.

June 19, 2013 Wednesday:
I surprised myself with these plans.  Everything is going as planned, and it had to be executed so perfectly to keep it going.  Got the mean girls lined up for Saturday night.  A few more things to accomplish so I can carry out my plan for as Jett would say, my final breath, "beyond a breath of life".  Share my story Jett, so the boys get it.  I know you will do me justice even through your pissed off state of mind.

It's hard to describe the peace I feel in my heart.   No fear at all.  No anxiety over what's coming.  I imagine this to be how Alana felt the last few days of her life.  Places to go and people to see.  Sharing a little piece of life with you from my teen years.  The struggles I faced back then seemed so real, so devastating to me at the time.  Looking back they were nothing.  They were not even life or death issues.  You look at your options, you choose the best possible one for the outcome you are looking for.  The letters I have written to those who I felt I should leave some sort of reasoning to my decision to explains a bigger portion of the pain I carry inside of me.  They will understand, I hope, that the only happiness left for me is miles away in a place I have been ensured will accept me, no matter what my sin to get there was.

It is what it is, and that is what it will be.

June 20, 2013 Thursday:
My happiness is no longer just knowing I will soon be with Alana.  Much of my happiness comes from the smiles the laughs and the friendships of those that cared enough to check in on me.  Those that know the pain, have faced the pain, and have found resolution in dealing with that at earths level. Those that I know, in time, will understand and accept the dark side of the Ce'dric they have never gotten to see prior to pulling the trigger.  You meant the world to me, but Alana means more to me at a higher view of the world. 

Once you accept this decision I have made for what it is, I will dust you with happiness that you feel and recognize as mine.  I will send you breezes in the wind that will remind you of who I was and where I went.  The sunny days belong to me, the storms will never touch me again. 

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, spread me where I find the most peace, over Alana.  Where I went to leave you is where I want you to leave me.

June 21, 2013 Friday:
Suzie, Stacey, Tayna, Allison. Ready girls? In less then 24 hours you will learn something about yourselves, your friendships with each other, and in the end, who wins.  In less then 24 hours you will discover what is important in life comes from inside our hearts.  In less then 24 hours you will be standing in the parking lot where I met Alana, wondering why you are all there, and I am not.  You will all receive the same letter inside an envelope with each of your names on them, expecting what you want, and not liking what you get. 

"Mean Girls:  I sentence you in the death of not only Alana, but also myself, Ce'dric.  Each of you for the past week has been wearing a gold chain with a single charm that you think I chose just for you.  I chose those charms for Alana and they represent the most important moments of my life with her.  Last week I sought each of you out and what I need you to understand is the times I spend individually with each of you was as painful to me as your bullying was to Alana.  I consider each visit with each of you big wastes of my time.  The compliments were lies.  The smiles were lies.  The laughs were lies.  There was nothing real in those 'dates'.  They were as fake and made up as the four of you. 

Here is what you should know about your friendship with each other:

Suzie:  Your gaggle doesn't come to your house because it is not classy enough for them.  You should not even be 'one of them' is what I was told.  They keep you around because your mom sells Mary Kay makeup and you supply them with it for free.  According to them you should be embarrassed that your mom even has to help supply income for you and your family to live in such a dump of a house.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Stacey:  I found out that you are the willing girl of your gaggle.  When I heard that I laughed at the names they rattled off.  You lied to them.  I know 6 of the 12 guys they said you slept with.  So I know at least half of them were lies.  Guys talk girls, and had any of that been true I would of know about it 2 seconds after the fact.  Here's what your gaggle don't know.  Let me just say Wild Bill.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Tanya:  Tanya Tanya Tanya.  I never touched you.  You would not be worth the sin.  Your gaggle bought that one off you and through the conversation about it, I am sure you are the main reason Alana was not accepted into your gaggle.  It pains me to think anyone, including your gaggle, would believe that about me, but I'm laughing now.  I bet you are not.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Allison:  Do you think your gaggle knows about their brothers and why you actually formed this gaggle?  Where one of you lied about doing it, you were the one that lied about not.  Why is that girl? Is it because you wanted to be more like Alana?  Could it be that you pushed her to swing because she was who you could never be?  Fill your gaggle in on the nights you couldn't hang out with them because you were out with someone else's boyfriend.  Yeah, the guys talk about you, just like you want them to.  But they have nothing to say much more then you're a desease carrying swap donkey.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Well you might have guessed by now that I am not showing up.  I am with Alana, taking my final breath on earth.   You are guilty of two deaths, Romeo and Juliet, and your sentence is to be served out on earth, long lives, where you will see bits and pieces of the destruction you left behind in your walks of shame.  You will see reminders everywhere and you will have to live with them haunting you for years to come.  And when the day arrives for you to rest in peace, you will never find the peace you want.  Stay mean, girls, its what you do best.  See you never. ~ Keeper of no secrets, Ce'dric"

Diary of A Weeping Heart: Week 8

 Psalms 31:18:

"Let the lying lips be put to silence;" 

Psalms 63:11:

"...the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped."  

Psalms 120:2:

"Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue." 

Proverbs 19:9:

  "A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish." 

   

June 8: Saturday:
14 days left on earth.  Today my paternal grandparents had a family reunion out at their spread.  Packed like sardines but seemed everyone was having fun.  Cousins making plans for college, high school, grade school.  I'm the only skater in a family full of athletes, or at least I was.  I haven't been on skates since Alana died.  It's difficult to go back to that lot, the lot I first saw her. The rink where I first talked to her.  The ice that I first skated on with the girl I was making my own.  I will visit the rink one last time before I go be with Alana.

Avery and Adrian will have lots of cousins, right around their own ages, to help them through life.  Avery understands his role in Adrian's life, he told me on the ride home "I'm going to be a better big brother to Addie then you are."  Well said Avery, you win.  You had no clue when you said that how right you are.  Be for Addie everything you have ever wanted me to be to you.  You aren't just going to be a great big brother, you were the best little brother a big brother could have.

I'm going to miss Grandma and Grandpa L,  They have never looked at me as if I were not their real grandson.  The baking lessons, the fishing trips, the love they have shown me, mean the world to me and I am sure to my mom too.  I hope I've done a great job showing you my appreciation and love for your kindness and guidance you've given me along the way.


June 9: Sunday:
13 more days before I see those pearly gates.  We all met back at my grandparents for a big breakfast before everyone travels home and we settle back into our lives a little happier and a lot more appreciative of the family we have in our lives.

What a great support system my family will have in a couple weeks when they all get together again.  I was thankful for this opportunity to be in their lives one more time playing ball, eating fat, and hanging together laughing and reliving some of the best times of our lives.  Not one mention of Alana.  Not one "how you doing, you doing alright" from anyone.  It was perfect and sweet.  If Alana or my well being were on their minds they didn't show it.  It made my heart feel good, knowing how quickly the pain and sorrow leaves their souls as time carries on.

Again on the ride home, me and my brothers talked non stop about the fun our family has when we all get together.  "It's the food that makes them all happy", Avery would say.  "It's the games we play that makes everyone so happy," Addie would say.  "It's the love," my mom would say as my dad agreed.  In my mind I say "It's knowing I'm heading out, going to be with Alana that makes me happy."  Inside I smile because I have missed her so (soul) and her spirit.

June 10: Monday
12 more days until I depart.  The next several days they will lay witness to how well I am doing since the day Alana swung from earth to heaven.   They will remember who I was before she left and see that kid again, before he leaves to be with her.

Mom thought my appetite was back full force today as she served us stacks of pancakes and orange juice this morning.  We all head out to start our days and would be together at the dinner table, ready for another huge meal that would surly show how back into life I am.  Just as planned, dinner was served and as we recapped my day that put smiles on my parents faces I was happy that I told no lies today.  I did play touch football with the guys, we did eat at the china buffet, and we did get run off Boylston Street by a foot cop trying to keep order that we were disrupting. 

June 11: Tuesday
11 more days and I'm down and out of this world.  A morning run with Dad, helped mom with breakfast dishes, took out the trash complaining it was Addie's turn.  I am sure my mom will not miss chore complaints but I am sure Avery and Addie wont be happy to have to split up the chores I leave behind.

Dad thought it was funny when I told him about my day.  Again, no lies had to be told.  I headed to Cambridge to work out with Skylar and Tyler at their home gym.  We raided their fridge and ate the fruit and fruit dip their mom made for her card party for later that afternoon.  Didn't see the note not to eat it until we pulled out the last bowl of fruit.  She really should have put the note on the front bowl and she would not have had to come up with a different plan.  She scolded all three of us, and didn't hold back on me.  My dad laughed until he had tears and my mom sympathized with their mom, because how many times have me and my buddies done that to her?

June 12: Wednesday
10 more days until showdown.  Ate a hearty breakfast that made my mom wonder which of my legs was suddenly hallow.  "Good thing its grocery shopping night", she said.  Avery asked me if I wanted to throw in some tennis, Addie asked me if I wanted to play NHL 13.  Yes to both, because I was keeping a clear slate on lying this week.  It was fun, spending time with both of them this afternoon.  Addie mentioned it first ,'"It sure is good to see you like us again Ce'dric."  Then Avery, "yeah for a while there we wondered if you thought you were too good to hang with us."  I assured them both that our parents were paying me to hang with them today, not something I wanted to do, but was not going to pass up that money.  We all laughed at that conversation, because the last time we went through this was the week before Alana died.  It was an ongoing joke between us, how our parents paid us to love each other. 

June 13: Thursday
9 days to go, before I'm gone.  Woke up with Addie in my bed.  He hasn't done that for a long time.  He said he was watching the SAW series and got scared and Avery told him to go to bed when he tried to sleep with him.  I didn't mind but I had to remind him mom wouldn't be happy he watched those.  We decided to go down and make eggs, turkey links, hash browns and oatmeal for breakfast for everyone.

Took Avery and Addie to the movies tonight, dads treat.  He always gave us enough money for enough food to feed a hockey team.  And we used it all.  Went to the arcade after the movie.  Its been a long time since I did that but Addie's the gamer of the family and he always has his eye on something behind the ticket counter.  Avery likes it too but he acts like he doesn't.  He's at that age where he thinks about his age and is he doing all the right age appropriate things.  The teen years, yeah I remember those.  We sat at the mall court before going home just shooting the S#@T.  Everyone always guesses we are brothers, not because we look alike but because why else would a preteen, a teen and a twenty something be hanging out together.  Brothers, they turn out to be the best friends you will ever have.


June 14: Friday
8 days left.  I am not afraid.  I am not sad. I am not happy.  I barely just am.  I have been numb from life since Alana took her own life.  The closer I get to my destination the more peace I find.  I can't help but lay in bed and think about Alana's last days.  Obviously she was careful to plan out her final days.  I think back to see if I can remember any signs I may I have missed.  I did not.  The most loyal loving girlfriend a guy could hope to find fooled the one guy that was willing to wait to have her on their wedding night.  I could not have stopped her I tell myself as I look back.  It doesn't make it any less painful that she is gone, but I am leaving to be with her understanding that she waned to go, and she went.  So when my friends read this diary, and I know it will hit the stands, you have to know that there was nothing you could of done to prevent me from walking out on life.

Jett, you have been the most loyal friend to all of us boys.  Don't change a thing man, don't play the blame game.  You will be pissed, beyond this world, but I offer no apology to you for leaving.  I do apologize for how you will blame yourself for this.  Don't be a dickie-doo, accept my decision to go be with my love.  I know you understand the heart more then anyone and brother, pray hard I get past the gates so I can be with Alana and find my dad.

Mayson, stop F@(King crying man.  Get over this fast.  This is the one and only thing in my life that I did not share with you.  Forgive me if you can, if you can't, so be it buddy, but move on.  You were a stand up friend and always there when I needed you the most.  I know this is hard on you and I know you want the days of yesterday back.  It's not about you.  I'll see you at you end of time and we'll party like rock stars.

No lies at all today, again, it felt good.  Avoidance is the key but I have lied so well they all seems to think I'm over her.  No one asks anymore so I don't have to lie.  Tomorrows the big Mean Girl revenge plans.  Do I feel bad for what I will do to them, no, at least not any more remorseful then they have been about Alana swinging away from them.  NO LIE.  It begins tomorrow.

Diary of A Weeping Heart: Week 7

Revelation 21:3-4

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

June 1: Saturday:
A plus from Alana's swing, since the day she swung I have paid closer attention to those around me.  I couldn't afford to miss any signs of trouble brewing around me that could foil my plan.  I worry more about Avery than anyone.  We pick at each other a lot.  Push those buttons.  Maybe he is right, maybe it is all about mom and each of us wanting more attention than the other.  I have 21 days to figure this out.

Today I did Avery's chores for him while he was playing racquet ball with dad.  I even popped in his room and made his bed and picked up his laundry.  I carefully placed a box of my belongings in his closet today, on top shelf to the back.  He won't find it until I'm gone and a note leads him to it.  It felt good to get that done today and a bonus great night hanging with him and Adrian, playing games, watching movies.  Mom praised him at dinner for not having to be asked to get his laundry gathered up for her.  We made eye connections and both knew, without a word, what being brothers meant.

June 2: Sunday
Mom was real happy I got up and went to church with them today.  We went out to Sunday brunch, just like we used to.  Adrian and Avery and I had a great day today.  We all chipped in to get the weekend chores done early and spent the evening just laying around, eating everything we could find, and driving mom and dad nuts.  Great family day.  Memories were made.  Laughter echoed throughout the house.  It was as if things were going to be OK, and they are, just my kind of OK.

June 3: Monday
I got a lot accomplished today in my room. Tomorrow I'm going over to help Alana's dad clear the rest of the things from her room.  I see how hard it is for her family to try and decide what to do with her things.  I have taken everything I wanted from her room and I have given almost everything I want to give from my room away.  It seems daily I am giving Adrian things he asks for and still make it look like nothing is up.  I keep my door open now whether I am in it or not.  Mom doesn't ever come in anymore, she just walks by and that must satisfy her in her efforts to keep us clean.  I even convinced Adrian and Avery we should just go down and get our own laundry to put away, mom really shouldn't have to haul everything up for us.

June 4: Tuesday
F^&%, it was hard today.  Not for me.  I miss Alana but I'm 18 days away from soaring to her.  To see the pain in her Dad is just sad.  I know that will happen when I go but I know my family loves me enough to take a bit of pain for me so I can be happy again.  Alana's dad just didn't know what to do.  We boxed up the rest of Alana's life and I hauled it away.  The furniture would stay and next weekend her mom and sister would turn it into a guest room.

It was the saddest day since she left me, seeing her family still full of sadness.  It's because they didn't know, because they didn't have a clue she was wanting to leave.  I felt for them, I really did.  It must be hard.  In one week that room will be done and they can continue to move on, to heal.

I have ignored my celly for three days now.  Tomorrow I will have to make sure everyone knows s@#t's good.  More and more of the guys are contacting me less and less.  Not Jett, daily texts and a few messages.  Mom said he's stopped by a couple times.  I suppose a walk in the park rolling bums and preaching to hookers are in order.  

June 5: Wednesday
I can't stay way from the grave.  I could just lay there until I die.  I find myself digging into the dirt with my fingers as if I could get her back by digging deeper.  I can tell when others have been there and wonder who it was.  I know when its Jett because he leaves snapped guitar strings and picks.  I know when its her family because they clean up around the site and hang a fresh balloon.  Today someone left a little angel doll.  The other day someone left a plant.  It's nice they come to honor her memory and spirit.  She deserves it, and she deserves to have been treated better when she was alive.

Mean girls/hockey pigs.  A cruel piece of the world.

June 6: Thursday:
Everything is right on schedule.  Starting next week everyone will see the old Cedz prior to Alana's death.  Spend a decent amount of time with my family and friends.  Big family reunion weekend Sat and Sun.  See lots of them for the last time in a long time. Get things lined up with the mean girls that kicked the chair out from under my sweet Alana.

June 7:  Friday:
Tomorrow I will start writing letters to my family.  I know it wont take away the pain, or probably even ease the pain but my hope is they will find it in their hearts to understand this is not about them, this is about me and my love for Alana, the girl I was going to marry.

I hung out with Jett today, we met up with the boys for a game of football.  I laugh.  Jett and football is like me and dancing, not meant to be.  But to get in one last dog pile on top of that sissy was sweet.  Kid's weak, and slow, but when I'm standing at the pearly gates, it's his name I'm using to trump the gate keeper into letting me in.   It was good to see the boys, see how they are all doing right now.  Someone needs to keep an eye on Pauly, he's acting like a Connor.

Last official piece of earthly business is the mean girls. Planned to be executed in one week, just putting on the finishing touches of the haunt I will leave behind in them.  Only giving them back the treatment they give others.  Time to break that gaggle of girls up.

Revelation 21:21

And the twelve gates were twelve pearls, each of the gates made of a single pearl, and the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass.