I don't know how I ended up at the Children's Hospital today but sometimes you find yourself in the right place, even if you don't know how you got there. I had just left Sunday mass where I sat for over an hour thinking about my little Amazing Grace and the absence of her in my life now. It's not that I don't miss her everyday, but for some reason the last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about the time we shared together in the final days of her life on earth. Several times in the past two weeks I have talked to and seen her parents, Bill and Annie.
They always tell me they are doing well, express how much they miss her, and how grateful they are to God to have had her in their life even if only for such a short time. I always respond to that on how much I miss Gracie, how alive I keep her in my heart, and how thankful I am to them for allowing me to spend time with Gracie in the final months of her life.
However, the eyes always reveal the inner truth that the heart and the mind so easily hide. I look at Bill and I can almost see his sad heart through the eyes that no longer hold the sparkle I witnessed when he was playing with his little princess even in the final days of her life. Annie's eyes reveal even more of a deep sadness for the child she watched slowly slip away from the life she had planned out for her. I see the sadness in her eyes as she tries to shield it from me with her smile. In the months since Gracie has left us I still see the struggle they face in their lives, missing the gift God gave them, and then took away.
Searching for the reasoning behind God's plan for our lives is sometimes cumbersome when we hang on to the sadness and anger that invade our hearts when it is ripped open. Time heals all wounds is a phrase you often hear from others trying to comfort those who have been physically injured, or from wounds to the heart when loved ones have passed. The problem I have with this whole time heals all wounds phrase when it comes to a broken heart is that as the heart heals it traps in the pain we are experiencing often causing lingering pain and suffering stuffed into our very sad hearts.
I still cry often, missing those who have died and left me behind. No matter how many years pass that they have been gone the pain never fades. It becomes more tolerable as time moves on, but the pain still exists. We find things that help to ease the pain and the loss, never replacing the loved one, but occupying more of our time. Gracie was a diversion that occupied my heart, easing the pain. EASING the pain, because what I learn as I go is the pain will never leave me when it comes to missing the company on earth of the loved ones gone. I opened my heart to Gracie and I loved her as if she were mine. And then she was gone from my life but not from my heart. As my broken heart healed from losing her to eternity it captured the pain and sadness inside, where she lives as a constant reminder to me that God is in control and God has a plan for all of us. The pings of pain that shoot out from my heart are a gentle reminder that death begins when we are given life, and in death eternity holds our spirit and our soul in another light far from the pain and suffering we carry with us on our walk on earth.
So today when I found myself walking the halls of the Children's Hospital, not knowing what I was searching for, a light began to shine in my heart and I could feel a sparkle in my eyes. As I walked the halls going from room to room, visiting sick children and the parents whose eyes were holding a sadness that tells their story I knew why I was here. Gracie sent me there, to fill my heart with more love then I could ever imagine it holding. I made a quiet promise to myself that after Gracie died I would never put myself in the position to ever become emotionally attached to anyone again whose life on earth would end too soon. It was too painful, even though I felt the pleasure of a new friendship with someone with so much faith in God's plan would outshine any pain left behind, I decided it was just too hard to walk the final days on earth with those preparing to leave for a life of eternity.
In talking to Pastor Jill recently our conversation took us down the path of life and life after death. We talked about the pain I carry in my heart for Joey who knew his fate long before the rest of us believed that his death was becoming a reality. We talked about the pain of letting my mom go, removing her from all life support machines and letting her decided if she would stay with us, or go rest in her eternity. We talked about all the people who have touched my life and since have moved on to their next journey beyond a breath of life on earth. We talked about Gracie and how a child so young and so sick, knowing she would soon be gone, could hold onto so much faith and believe that God would accept her into His Kingdom.
Pastor Jill and I agreed that without sadness and pain in our lives there would have been no happy heart filled times with people who loved us as strong as we have loved them. Without friendships and love, there would be no pain and suffering. So if you want to enjoy one, you have to endure the other. So to be void of a broken achy heart I would not have ever had the joy of spending time with loved ones. Today I know that is not an option. For it truly is a blessing to have loved and lost then to never have loved, or been loved.
I met so many kids and their parents today as I walked those halls. Children in all areas for various reason as why they are patients there. Some are short term patients and some will never leave. Children of all ages, from infant to teen years. Children of various shapes and sizes and ages. To put a label on them collectively you could call them Children Of God. I walked from room to room and stopped when the circumstance allowed me to visit the occupants. Most it was a simple "hello" followed by a five minute or less conversation, a few hugs, a few handshakes, a few kisses on the heads of the babies that were sleeping. Many smiles were returned by parents of these children who seemed grateful for a visit by a stranger who was still searching for his reason to even be there. The older kids, those in their teens, were longer visits as I engaged them in conversation and they were eager to have me sit and visit them for a longer period of time. A couple of teenage boys in particular seemed to enjoy the company of a kid nearer their age with more in common with them they expected.
I am very much faith based in my walk on earth, and while I do not preach or push my beliefs on others I always engage others in a conversation that lets them know my faith and belief in God and invite them to share theirs with me. I have learned more about my own religion by being opened minded to what others believe in. I have so much faith in what I believe that I am not fearful of others sharing their journey with me. Leaving each room today as I bid farewell to those I visited my final words were the same to each "God bless you in this leg of your journey".
I entered a room with a young man I believed to be around 16 or 17 laying in his hospital bed void of any sunlight or sound. I almost went right by this room as I walked down the hall but as I passed I looked inside and saw him laying there, eyes open and staring straight up at the ceiling. I invited myself in and approached him with a hello. He turned to look at me but did not respond to my greeting. I could see the sadness in his eyes and I also got the feeling that he wanted to be left alone. I turned to leave in the silence he lived in with the parting words of "God bless you in this leg of your journey". As I excited the door of his room I heard his voice. "God does not exist in the world I come from." I continued to walk another couple steps before I had to turn back and peek into that door again. "He exists in my world and may his everlasting light shine on you in your time of sadness". He responded rather quickly, "If he wanted his light to shine on me I would not be laying here today".
OK, I thought, I will latch on to this hook he baited with his lack of faith in himself. I invited myself into his room and stood next to his bed. We had a great conversation that lasted for a little under an hour. His name is Brandon and he turned 17 this past September. He was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) ten days ago. He was playing football with his friends when he was tackled and broke his leg. Through that medical emergency came the news about his AML. Although it will be a long road of medical treatments, Brandon will survive. We swapped stories of broken bones, girlfriends, overbearing parents, homework and our futures beyond education. We talked about our families and friends. We talked about the holidays and family traditions. We laughed as we shared stories of the jokes we played on our siblings and he got some great ideas from me about how to play tricks on your dad.
What we did not talk about was religion, faith, God and life in the Christian world. I pushed no buttons and opened no doors in Brandon's world. He never asked what brought me to this hospital or to his room. I offered no background history on my experiences with death or the cancer world. When I felt Brandon was getting tired and needed to rest I simply stood up, walked over to his room window and pulled up the blinds. "What are you doing?", he would ask. "Letting God's light shine on you in your time of sadness", I responded. Next I walked over and grabbed the remote and turned on a Christmas show. "Now what are you doing?", he asked. "Leaving you with some joyful noise that will warm your heart", I told him. "What next?", he wanted to know. "I don't know, I'll think of something. Nice to meet you Brandon, I'll stop by in a couple of days in case you miss me", I said as I walked out of his room and headed down the hall.
As I walked towards the exit I ran into a priest. "Father, in room 216 there's a kid named Brandon. We were just talking and I would appreciate it as much as he would if you could stop in and bless his day full of Grace." I continued to walk out of that hospital with a smirk that would make my misfit brothers proud of how I just pushed the button of a kid who plays the same brotherly games with each other as we do.
Happy Sunday Gracie! Thank you for guiding me today in a new journey. Continue to bless me with the love you left in my heart as I work on filling up the empty spaces to hold more friendships and love then I ever thought it could. I love and miss you Gracie but I know you are only a memory away from me.
Hugs, Jett (the boy with the funny name who misses the life out of you!)
They always tell me they are doing well, express how much they miss her, and how grateful they are to God to have had her in their life even if only for such a short time. I always respond to that on how much I miss Gracie, how alive I keep her in my heart, and how thankful I am to them for allowing me to spend time with Gracie in the final months of her life.
However, the eyes always reveal the inner truth that the heart and the mind so easily hide. I look at Bill and I can almost see his sad heart through the eyes that no longer hold the sparkle I witnessed when he was playing with his little princess even in the final days of her life. Annie's eyes reveal even more of a deep sadness for the child she watched slowly slip away from the life she had planned out for her. I see the sadness in her eyes as she tries to shield it from me with her smile. In the months since Gracie has left us I still see the struggle they face in their lives, missing the gift God gave them, and then took away.
Searching for the reasoning behind God's plan for our lives is sometimes cumbersome when we hang on to the sadness and anger that invade our hearts when it is ripped open. Time heals all wounds is a phrase you often hear from others trying to comfort those who have been physically injured, or from wounds to the heart when loved ones have passed. The problem I have with this whole time heals all wounds phrase when it comes to a broken heart is that as the heart heals it traps in the pain we are experiencing often causing lingering pain and suffering stuffed into our very sad hearts.
I still cry often, missing those who have died and left me behind. No matter how many years pass that they have been gone the pain never fades. It becomes more tolerable as time moves on, but the pain still exists. We find things that help to ease the pain and the loss, never replacing the loved one, but occupying more of our time. Gracie was a diversion that occupied my heart, easing the pain. EASING the pain, because what I learn as I go is the pain will never leave me when it comes to missing the company on earth of the loved ones gone. I opened my heart to Gracie and I loved her as if she were mine. And then she was gone from my life but not from my heart. As my broken heart healed from losing her to eternity it captured the pain and sadness inside, where she lives as a constant reminder to me that God is in control and God has a plan for all of us. The pings of pain that shoot out from my heart are a gentle reminder that death begins when we are given life, and in death eternity holds our spirit and our soul in another light far from the pain and suffering we carry with us on our walk on earth.
So today when I found myself walking the halls of the Children's Hospital, not knowing what I was searching for, a light began to shine in my heart and I could feel a sparkle in my eyes. As I walked the halls going from room to room, visiting sick children and the parents whose eyes were holding a sadness that tells their story I knew why I was here. Gracie sent me there, to fill my heart with more love then I could ever imagine it holding. I made a quiet promise to myself that after Gracie died I would never put myself in the position to ever become emotionally attached to anyone again whose life on earth would end too soon. It was too painful, even though I felt the pleasure of a new friendship with someone with so much faith in God's plan would outshine any pain left behind, I decided it was just too hard to walk the final days on earth with those preparing to leave for a life of eternity.
In talking to Pastor Jill recently our conversation took us down the path of life and life after death. We talked about the pain I carry in my heart for Joey who knew his fate long before the rest of us believed that his death was becoming a reality. We talked about the pain of letting my mom go, removing her from all life support machines and letting her decided if she would stay with us, or go rest in her eternity. We talked about all the people who have touched my life and since have moved on to their next journey beyond a breath of life on earth. We talked about Gracie and how a child so young and so sick, knowing she would soon be gone, could hold onto so much faith and believe that God would accept her into His Kingdom.
Pastor Jill and I agreed that without sadness and pain in our lives there would have been no happy heart filled times with people who loved us as strong as we have loved them. Without friendships and love, there would be no pain and suffering. So if you want to enjoy one, you have to endure the other. So to be void of a broken achy heart I would not have ever had the joy of spending time with loved ones. Today I know that is not an option. For it truly is a blessing to have loved and lost then to never have loved, or been loved.
I met so many kids and their parents today as I walked those halls. Children in all areas for various reason as why they are patients there. Some are short term patients and some will never leave. Children of all ages, from infant to teen years. Children of various shapes and sizes and ages. To put a label on them collectively you could call them Children Of God. I walked from room to room and stopped when the circumstance allowed me to visit the occupants. Most it was a simple "hello" followed by a five minute or less conversation, a few hugs, a few handshakes, a few kisses on the heads of the babies that were sleeping. Many smiles were returned by parents of these children who seemed grateful for a visit by a stranger who was still searching for his reason to even be there. The older kids, those in their teens, were longer visits as I engaged them in conversation and they were eager to have me sit and visit them for a longer period of time. A couple of teenage boys in particular seemed to enjoy the company of a kid nearer their age with more in common with them they expected.
I am very much faith based in my walk on earth, and while I do not preach or push my beliefs on others I always engage others in a conversation that lets them know my faith and belief in God and invite them to share theirs with me. I have learned more about my own religion by being opened minded to what others believe in. I have so much faith in what I believe that I am not fearful of others sharing their journey with me. Leaving each room today as I bid farewell to those I visited my final words were the same to each "God bless you in this leg of your journey".
I entered a room with a young man I believed to be around 16 or 17 laying in his hospital bed void of any sunlight or sound. I almost went right by this room as I walked down the hall but as I passed I looked inside and saw him laying there, eyes open and staring straight up at the ceiling. I invited myself in and approached him with a hello. He turned to look at me but did not respond to my greeting. I could see the sadness in his eyes and I also got the feeling that he wanted to be left alone. I turned to leave in the silence he lived in with the parting words of "God bless you in this leg of your journey". As I excited the door of his room I heard his voice. "God does not exist in the world I come from." I continued to walk another couple steps before I had to turn back and peek into that door again. "He exists in my world and may his everlasting light shine on you in your time of sadness". He responded rather quickly, "If he wanted his light to shine on me I would not be laying here today".
OK, I thought, I will latch on to this hook he baited with his lack of faith in himself. I invited myself into his room and stood next to his bed. We had a great conversation that lasted for a little under an hour. His name is Brandon and he turned 17 this past September. He was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) ten days ago. He was playing football with his friends when he was tackled and broke his leg. Through that medical emergency came the news about his AML. Although it will be a long road of medical treatments, Brandon will survive. We swapped stories of broken bones, girlfriends, overbearing parents, homework and our futures beyond education. We talked about our families and friends. We talked about the holidays and family traditions. We laughed as we shared stories of the jokes we played on our siblings and he got some great ideas from me about how to play tricks on your dad.
What we did not talk about was religion, faith, God and life in the Christian world. I pushed no buttons and opened no doors in Brandon's world. He never asked what brought me to this hospital or to his room. I offered no background history on my experiences with death or the cancer world. When I felt Brandon was getting tired and needed to rest I simply stood up, walked over to his room window and pulled up the blinds. "What are you doing?", he would ask. "Letting God's light shine on you in your time of sadness", I responded. Next I walked over and grabbed the remote and turned on a Christmas show. "Now what are you doing?", he asked. "Leaving you with some joyful noise that will warm your heart", I told him. "What next?", he wanted to know. "I don't know, I'll think of something. Nice to meet you Brandon, I'll stop by in a couple of days in case you miss me", I said as I walked out of his room and headed down the hall.
As I walked towards the exit I ran into a priest. "Father, in room 216 there's a kid named Brandon. We were just talking and I would appreciate it as much as he would if you could stop in and bless his day full of Grace." I continued to walk out of that hospital with a smirk that would make my misfit brothers proud of how I just pushed the button of a kid who plays the same brotherly games with each other as we do.
Happy Sunday Gracie! Thank you for guiding me today in a new journey. Continue to bless me with the love you left in my heart as I work on filling up the empty spaces to hold more friendships and love then I ever thought it could. I love and miss you Gracie but I know you are only a memory away from me.
Hugs, Jett (the boy with the funny name who misses the life out of you!)
