Perhaps we see what we want to see. Perhaps we believe how we want things to be. Perhaps we miss the signs of life and the smell of death because we don't want to believe anything but the best. Perhaps we know, but don't want to let go. Can we be so easily fooled? Are we so blinded by life that we forget about death? I never knew what I should have known.
Ce'dric's plan was so clear to me, but not until his diary was handed over to me by his father. His father said that after they read it, him and his wife felt it would do more good in my hands then theirs. They had not shared it with Ce'dric's brothers because they felt Avery and Adrian were too young to understand the contents of their brothers final days on earth. My hope is that one day they will be able to read through it and even if they do not understand his actions, perhaps they will be able to accept them. I know I am far from understanding his reasoning, but I am getting closer to understanding his pain.
I have to remember, this was not about me. As big a part as I was in his life, this was about Ce'dric. Even as careful as he was to not reveal his pain and his sadness, he was sure to leave behind this diary, to try to help us cope and move on. First the pain of losing one more friend, then the anger of a life cut short, then the sorrow in the realization his final breath on earth left behind so many tears from those that loved him. Slowly the acceptance of another Circle Of Life moment in my life is being formed. The sadness and pain is still in my heart, as are the memories of the times we shared, all good, until the day he pulled the trigger.
May 25, 2013: Saturday
Went over to Alana's parents house this morning. Her mom called my mom this week to check on me. Told her they want us to know they think of us often and she should tell me I should come over more to visit, They miss me. THEY MISS ME??? They don't know what missing someone is all about. I don't know why I was so angry with them today, its not their fault. It's the mean girls, and the mean girls will have their day.
Still haven't moved a thing from Alana's room. I offered to do it for them. "Let me box up her things for you, at least the clothes. I don't mind really, it will help me I think." Felt good to be telling the truth for a change but it's all for my benefit really so yeah, its another lie. If lying were a paying job I would be a rich SOB by the time I check out. So on Monday I will go over during the day and box up some things and haul them away.
May 26, 2013: Sunday
Going to church with Paulie and his family today mom, he invited me and afterwards I'm eating at their house. Yeah, his parents are some nice people mom. I might hang out with Paulie playing COD or NHL13. LIE, told and sold. I spent the day with the spirit of Alana. Jett was there I could tell, he leaves behind a guitar pick when he leaves. Only guy I know likes to hang at the graveyard.
I wonder when mom will realize I stopped going to church. I wonder if I can convince her for the next 2 Sundays. Of course I will go to mass one last Sunday with them. It will be a great day that day, one they are sure to remember. I'm hoping to be able to go "lie free" for that last week. If I've planned this out well enough, it will be a lie free week.
May 27, 2013: Monday
I slept so good last night knowing today I got to spend the day in Alana's room. No one was going to be home and that made me extremely happy. No one to hang next to me talking my ear off. No one to have to lie to. No one to have to ward off, ask questions. Just me. Me and the room that Alana took her last breath in. I was excited and I know that sounds creepy but I was just excited to get to do this
I touched every piece of clothing Alana owned that was in that room. She was so modest, I loved that about her. Not flashy at all like the mean girls who pushed her to her death. Each time I filled a box I took it down to my truck so when I was done it was off to the thrift store. I wonder if people know they might be wearing dead peoples clothing. I wonder if it would bother them if they knew. I wonder if any of the mean girls will freak out when they find out. I actually just laughed thinking about turning them into the victims to make Alana the victor.
May 28, 2013: Tuesday
Mom and Dad came in my room bright and early today. "Alana's parents called last night. Ce'dric, you didn't have to do that but it was a nice gesture and I am sure they appreciated it more then they can express" I know dad, I know. "I don't know what I would do, that would be so hard to pack up your child's life after such a tragedy." I know mom, I know.
I have to make sure I make this as easy for them as possible. They will have very little to sift through. I'm 99% sure this plan is going to come through for me. So far everything is going as planned. Even Jett is buying into my lies. Dude, I hate doing this to you but its not about you, it's about me and it is what it is. I'm sure he will be the one offering to take care of my room, wrap it up. He's a good pal.
May 29, 2013: Wednesday
Racquet ball with Avery today and me and Adrian went for an after dinner walk. Avery is very athletic, I hope he keeps that up. He's just not a little kid anymore. Hard not to talk to him like he is one. He kicked my butt but he always does. I don't let him either, he's just good. Adrian talks non stop. I love that about him. All the questions in the world and he asks them one right after another. Tonight he asked me why do they put windows on the sides of those houses Ce'dric, All you can see is the house next door and they are so close you can probably touch them. I wish I could answer his questions so he would learn more. Good brother time memories.
Couldn't sleep tonight. Laid in bed for about three hours telling myself to to go to sleep. Close my eyes and I picture Alana which keeps me awake. Guess I will pop in a movie try to drift off. No reason to really, tomorrows just a normal day of telling lies to make everyone believe I'm doing alright.
May 30, 2013: Thursday
Sometimes Avery pushes my last button. I wonder if he even knows he's doing it, or is it on purpose? Always accuses me of being moms favorite. I told him today "she's just worried more about me right now because of Alana. I tell her am OK but she still worries. She loves us all the same." He don't get it, I know I have to just swallow his crap so I don't exit this life with a riff between us. It frustrates me.
I went back over to Alana's house today. They seem to be moving along well without her. It gives me hope that my family will be OK after some grieving. They will all have each other just like Alana's family. I sat in her room and read some of her thoughts in her diary. I haven't yet sat and read it all, I don't need anything to influence my plan one way or another. I skim it. I sift through the pages. I took more of the jewelry I've given her throughout the two years. Simple pieces really, because she liked simple. Nothing flashy that made her stand out in the crowd, even though she always stood out to me in any crowd. I will take the first piece of jewelry I ever gifted her when I go. A simple gold chain, dainty and cute.
Watch out mean girls, our final days together have arrived. You've been so good about keeping me company, texting, calling, whatever you could to let me know how sorry you all are for my loss. Now I get to pay you back and let you know how sorry you should of been.
May 31, 2013: Friday
F@#King Fridays. My heart breaks all over again on the weekends. I wish now that I knew then how short our time would be together. I would have pushed everything out of my life to spend all my days with you, all my nights with you. Giving you just three days a week of my time with you was a joke. "FTB's bullsh@t. Why would I go along with the boys on that one. Jett never did. He realized FTB's would not carry him any further then the next night of rolling bums and preaching to the hookers. I was less interested in life today then ever. Every smile I returned to someone telling me anything to do with the future made me want to swing. I imagined everyone in front of me with a noose around their neck. Just shoot me already. Tonight's the last night I will take the sleeping pills given to me by the therapist I lie to bi-weekly. Paying someone just so you can lie to them. How sad is it to be able to fool your therapist? Makes me laugh really and THAT is no lie. I'm so good at the lying game that sometimes I wonder if I would of made a good lawyer or politician (no offense Mayor Menino).
Last day of this month brings me new hope. I've come this far. 22 more days. Time drags, so does life. I welcome June with open arms and a bleeding heart. Move over Alana, our time is coming.
Ce'dric's plan was so clear to me, but not until his diary was handed over to me by his father. His father said that after they read it, him and his wife felt it would do more good in my hands then theirs. They had not shared it with Ce'dric's brothers because they felt Avery and Adrian were too young to understand the contents of their brothers final days on earth. My hope is that one day they will be able to read through it and even if they do not understand his actions, perhaps they will be able to accept them. I know I am far from understanding his reasoning, but I am getting closer to understanding his pain.
I have to remember, this was not about me. As big a part as I was in his life, this was about Ce'dric. Even as careful as he was to not reveal his pain and his sadness, he was sure to leave behind this diary, to try to help us cope and move on. First the pain of losing one more friend, then the anger of a life cut short, then the sorrow in the realization his final breath on earth left behind so many tears from those that loved him. Slowly the acceptance of another Circle Of Life moment in my life is being formed. The sadness and pain is still in my heart, as are the memories of the times we shared, all good, until the day he pulled the trigger.
May 25, 2013: Saturday
Went over to Alana's parents house this morning. Her mom called my mom this week to check on me. Told her they want us to know they think of us often and she should tell me I should come over more to visit, They miss me. THEY MISS ME??? They don't know what missing someone is all about. I don't know why I was so angry with them today, its not their fault. It's the mean girls, and the mean girls will have their day.
Still haven't moved a thing from Alana's room. I offered to do it for them. "Let me box up her things for you, at least the clothes. I don't mind really, it will help me I think." Felt good to be telling the truth for a change but it's all for my benefit really so yeah, its another lie. If lying were a paying job I would be a rich SOB by the time I check out. So on Monday I will go over during the day and box up some things and haul them away.
May 26, 2013: Sunday
Going to church with Paulie and his family today mom, he invited me and afterwards I'm eating at their house. Yeah, his parents are some nice people mom. I might hang out with Paulie playing COD or NHL13. LIE, told and sold. I spent the day with the spirit of Alana. Jett was there I could tell, he leaves behind a guitar pick when he leaves. Only guy I know likes to hang at the graveyard.
I wonder when mom will realize I stopped going to church. I wonder if I can convince her for the next 2 Sundays. Of course I will go to mass one last Sunday with them. It will be a great day that day, one they are sure to remember. I'm hoping to be able to go "lie free" for that last week. If I've planned this out well enough, it will be a lie free week.
May 27, 2013: Monday
I slept so good last night knowing today I got to spend the day in Alana's room. No one was going to be home and that made me extremely happy. No one to hang next to me talking my ear off. No one to have to lie to. No one to have to ward off, ask questions. Just me. Me and the room that Alana took her last breath in. I was excited and I know that sounds creepy but I was just excited to get to do this
I touched every piece of clothing Alana owned that was in that room. She was so modest, I loved that about her. Not flashy at all like the mean girls who pushed her to her death. Each time I filled a box I took it down to my truck so when I was done it was off to the thrift store. I wonder if people know they might be wearing dead peoples clothing. I wonder if it would bother them if they knew. I wonder if any of the mean girls will freak out when they find out. I actually just laughed thinking about turning them into the victims to make Alana the victor.
May 28, 2013: Tuesday
Mom and Dad came in my room bright and early today. "Alana's parents called last night. Ce'dric, you didn't have to do that but it was a nice gesture and I am sure they appreciated it more then they can express" I know dad, I know. "I don't know what I would do, that would be so hard to pack up your child's life after such a tragedy." I know mom, I know.
I have to make sure I make this as easy for them as possible. They will have very little to sift through. I'm 99% sure this plan is going to come through for me. So far everything is going as planned. Even Jett is buying into my lies. Dude, I hate doing this to you but its not about you, it's about me and it is what it is. I'm sure he will be the one offering to take care of my room, wrap it up. He's a good pal.
May 29, 2013: Wednesday
Racquet ball with Avery today and me and Adrian went for an after dinner walk. Avery is very athletic, I hope he keeps that up. He's just not a little kid anymore. Hard not to talk to him like he is one. He kicked my butt but he always does. I don't let him either, he's just good. Adrian talks non stop. I love that about him. All the questions in the world and he asks them one right after another. Tonight he asked me why do they put windows on the sides of those houses Ce'dric, All you can see is the house next door and they are so close you can probably touch them. I wish I could answer his questions so he would learn more. Good brother time memories.
Couldn't sleep tonight. Laid in bed for about three hours telling myself to to go to sleep. Close my eyes and I picture Alana which keeps me awake. Guess I will pop in a movie try to drift off. No reason to really, tomorrows just a normal day of telling lies to make everyone believe I'm doing alright.
May 30, 2013: Thursday
Sometimes Avery pushes my last button. I wonder if he even knows he's doing it, or is it on purpose? Always accuses me of being moms favorite. I told him today "she's just worried more about me right now because of Alana. I tell her am OK but she still worries. She loves us all the same." He don't get it, I know I have to just swallow his crap so I don't exit this life with a riff between us. It frustrates me.
I went back over to Alana's house today. They seem to be moving along well without her. It gives me hope that my family will be OK after some grieving. They will all have each other just like Alana's family. I sat in her room and read some of her thoughts in her diary. I haven't yet sat and read it all, I don't need anything to influence my plan one way or another. I skim it. I sift through the pages. I took more of the jewelry I've given her throughout the two years. Simple pieces really, because she liked simple. Nothing flashy that made her stand out in the crowd, even though she always stood out to me in any crowd. I will take the first piece of jewelry I ever gifted her when I go. A simple gold chain, dainty and cute.
Watch out mean girls, our final days together have arrived. You've been so good about keeping me company, texting, calling, whatever you could to let me know how sorry you all are for my loss. Now I get to pay you back and let you know how sorry you should of been.
May 31, 2013: Friday
F@#King Fridays. My heart breaks all over again on the weekends. I wish now that I knew then how short our time would be together. I would have pushed everything out of my life to spend all my days with you, all my nights with you. Giving you just three days a week of my time with you was a joke. "FTB's bullsh@t. Why would I go along with the boys on that one. Jett never did. He realized FTB's would not carry him any further then the next night of rolling bums and preaching to the hookers. I was less interested in life today then ever. Every smile I returned to someone telling me anything to do with the future made me want to swing. I imagined everyone in front of me with a noose around their neck. Just shoot me already. Tonight's the last night I will take the sleeping pills given to me by the therapist I lie to bi-weekly. Paying someone just so you can lie to them. How sad is it to be able to fool your therapist? Makes me laugh really and THAT is no lie. I'm so good at the lying game that sometimes I wonder if I would of made a good lawyer or politician (no offense Mayor Menino).
Last day of this month brings me new hope. I've come this far. 22 more days. Time drags, so does life. I welcome June with open arms and a bleeding heart. Move over Alana, our time is coming.
