It seems that I have been in the pursuit of happiness forever. I have been waiting, most often impatiently, for the day I would find happiness in my life. I have enjoyed many happy moments and I can recall numerous memories of some of the happiest times I've experienced. I can also recall a number of memories that would haunt me to this day, and more then likely every day I take a breath of God's earthly air.
My earliest childhood memory that I clearly recall is the trip my family took to Omaha NE during the July 4th weekend in 1998 to visit my birth dad's brother. I was a little over a month from being six years old. My little sister Jocelyn was four days away from turning three. On July 3rd of that year Jocelyn would breathe her last breath of life. Her life ended tragically when a car backed over her as she rode her bike in my uncles driveway. She took her first breath beyond a breath of life on a Friday.
One of the happiness moments of my life would also incorporate one of the most tragic. At the age of six I had no idea that years later I would conclude that I had experienced both happiness and sadness with-in mere seconds of each other. Going from riding bikes with my sister, my best friend, to watching as they tried to save her little life. I knew then as sure as I know now that at the time I had very little understanding of what had happened. I knew that when we drove to Omaha from Sioux City IA that Jocelyn was with us and on the drive back, she was not. I can remember asking for days afterwards where she was, when would she be home. As time moved on I never forgot about Jocelyn and I still had all our memories of playing together but I accepted her absence in my life ... and I moved on.
In December of 2000 I was eight years old. My oldest brother Jayson was 24 and away at college. He was sixteen when I was born and by the time I was three he went away to college. I saw very little of him during his four years of college, mostly on the holidays and a little during the summers. As odd as it may seem, he was a stranger to me although I knew he was my brother. I remember my mom was excited that he was coming home for the holidays. I remember how happy me and my brothers were that Christmas was just days away and Jayson would be home with us. The next thing we knew the phone rang and the Iowa State Patrol was informing my mom that Jayson had been killed in a head on collision when a drunk driver crossed the median into his path. He took his first breath beyond a breath of life on a Friday.
Again I would experience a happy time of life closely followed by a tragic moment. At the age of eight I understood more about death and learned from the death of my sister that Jayson was not coming home. Never again would we sit around the house during the holiday with the expectation of him coming home to spend the holiday with us. Like I said before, Jayson was more of stranger in my life because of our age difference. I knew he was my brother but it would not take long for me to move on, keeping the memories I had of him but letting go of the role he played in my life.
By the time my brother Joey died, on Feb 7, 2007 I was realizing that happiness was not mine to have. I started to regret any good thing that came my way, knowing that something tragic would take my happiness away. I was fourteen when Joey died at the age of 24 from lung cancer. This death was different because Joey was in my life every single day. He was there at my darkest hours to make sure I saw the sunshine, that I knew the rain would bring the rainbows. I watched as the cancer slowly took Joey from us. I visited him daily the last three months of his life as he laid in bed, dying from his illness. I was with Joey when he took his last breath of life on earth. I was the last one to leave the hospital room after he took his first breath beyond a breath of life. I was fourteen and I knew what his death meant to my happiness. That first breath of life he took beyond a breath of life was on a Wednesday.
I never accepted Joeys death and to this day I wish him back on earth with me. My tears of sadness have never gone away. The pain in my heart has never lessened. Any happiness I had with him, because of him, for him, is gone. Even the memories of my times with him cannot take away the feelings of emptiness and sorrow. What I did accept after he died was that happiness was not going to be mine. That each time I had faith, and hope, that things would be better, it was not meant to be. Happiness would not come my way.
Confirmation of a life with happiness always being followed with a tragedy came when my mom died on Nov 22 of 2011. She suffered a stroke and all said and done she had no fight left with her to come back from it. I was nineteen when she died. It was on a Tuesday. It was my Aunt Mary's birthday. I remember thinking 'how will I ever be happy on that day again? how will I ever be able to help Aunt Mary celebrate her birthday?' I also remember being angry that mom died on a special day like that, not to mention two days before Thanksgiving. Just like Jocelyn died a day before the July 4th holiday and Jayson died ten days before the Christmas holiday. Joey, seven days before Valentines Day.
It seemed every day is one more day I wait for tragedy to occur. I have given up on happiness and the pursuit of it. I have come to the conclusion that it does not exist for me. That if the price of happiness is going to come with bad moments in life, I'd rather skip out on happiness. I took on trying to live in other peoples happiness. Trying to get by on the good in other peoples lives. I thrived on helping others be successful and seeing the joy in their lives. From the outside others could see my happiness, but failed to noticed it was just a reflection of their own. Then it became a chore and I was even more unhappy then I was to begin with. I was sure God's plan in my life did not include for me to find inner peace, to be happy, to live my life out always looking for the worse and never realizing that all this time, happiness was not something you can pursuit, happiness was something you find inside yourself.
This past couple of weeks I have found happiness. It was in me the entire time I had been pursuing it. I'm not saying there will not be some tragic moments, or some unhappy times, or times I would hope for a better turnout then the way it had turned out, but I am learning more about happiness then I knew I was capable of ever having. For instance you do not go on a pursuit of happiness. You cannot buy happiness. You cannot depend on others for your happiness. Happiness comes naturally and if it is not, it is because you are fighting it. You are so wrapped up in your sad moments of life that you push it away, thinking you are not deserving of happy times when so many sad times have come your way. You start looking for things that make you happy, if only temporarily.
I know I have a long way to go in dealing with all the things in my past. The abuse, the deaths, the tragedies of life. I also know I have to start realizing that I have to be me. I have to live the life I feel best benefits me. That as soon as I find happiness and live comfortable with who I have chose to be, I can share that happiness with others in my life. I am done living the life others feel I should. I have a great career, I have a great family, great friends. I have definite goals of publishing my books. I have a great new apartment. I have a great girlfriend. I have all the things I worked for, things I wanted in my life. Now ... I need to enjoy them without the guilt of happiness. I need to embrace the things that make me happy and realize that my family and friends will support me in my decisions even when they want me to go in a different direction.
what you say,
and what you do are in harmony.
