We all know what pain feels like and the degree at which it hurts us. Sometimes the pain is just a ping in our hearts and sometimes the pain rips our hearts to shreds. A friend of mine who lost her mom before I lost mine said to me something like 'until you have experienced it, you wont know how much it hurts'. She was right and even though I had lost siblings before the death of my mom, losing my mom hurt just as bad but in a bigger way. There just really is not an accurate way of describing the pain you feel when your mom exits the earth and enters the heavens above. Those of us who have lost our moms can also tell you this, that pain never goes away and there are times that just when you think it has hurt your heart as much as it can you will experience a moment when it hurts more then it ever has in the past.
Every little thing that could possibly remind you of her will. There will not be a day that passes that something isn't put in your path that will take away a breath as you are reminded of a day when she was still physically with you. I never kept anything of my mothers that I have sitting out in my home or in my office that reminds me of her when I see it. I never felt I would need them, I just knew from the deaths in my life before her that there would be plenty of things that would bring back a memory of her for me. I have a memory keepsake box that holds some personal things of mine that were given to me by my mom. Holiday cards, birthday cards, a couple little knick-knacks, a newspaper clipping of announcing her death, a pile of poems she had written and a few other items. I even kept a grocery list she made for me that I never got a chance to pick up for her before she died. There is also a post it note she left on her refrigerator that says "remind Jett Michael to get a haircut". I never need to open that memory box to be reminded of the love I have for her.
How pain feels, as hard as it is to describe to someone, is nothing compared to the look of pain. Again, unless you have felt that deep of a pain there is no way you will be able to randomly look at an individual and detect that pain inside of them. You may attend a funeral service and hear the grief in the sobs or see the grief as tears stream down a face. You may be able to collectively notice the look of pain at the highest moment of public mourning. You can assume that the look of pain is seen as you observe a family saying goodbye to their mother one last time before they start to grieve alone. However, until you have felt it, you will miss the true look of pain that lingers on after the expected grieving time frame has come and gone.
The look of pain never leaves you. You smile and carry on but that smile will never again be the smile you once showed the world before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life. Your eyes will hold a sadness that others will never detect if they have never felt your pain., They will always hold a bit of dimness that was never there before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life. You will laugh but your laugh will never be the heartfelt laugh you displayed before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life. It will look different even if it sounds the same. Conversations with others will not be as intense even though they will not be able to detect it Your focus in a one on one conversation will be lessened by the look of pain.
You will walk by family and you will notice the look of pain in each other because you know each other understands the depth of pain no one else sees. You will look closer in the eyes of each other because you know you share a special kind of pain that others have no idea is there. You will see in each other a more painful walk, a less peaceful sleep, an absent breath from your lives as you once had before your mom moved on to an eternal life. You will unknowingly look for the signs of pain in each other now that you know what each other has loss is the same warmth of a mothers touch, sound of a mothers voice, comfort of a mother who along the way has become your friend.
In time you will all open up and ask the questions to each other about the pain you share, confirming the pain that no one acknowledges can still be seen. The rest of your lives together you will see that pain in one another and it will eventually become a comfort to each one of you that the amount of love you had for your mother is equal only to the amount of love you have for your family who hurt as much as you do. The silent pain that we feel no one understands unless they also have lost their mother to the heavens above us will remain with you all of the days of your life.
