My brother Joey, who died in 2007 at the age of 24 from complications of lung cancer, would have turned 32 yesterday. Each day that passes since he left earth takes me no further from the pain I felt on the day he breathed his last breath. The comfort I find to help me ease the pain is that as each day passes I am one more day closer to the day I will see him again. It is difficult to not be mad at God for plucking Joey from us and planting him in God's Eternal Life plan. What helps me find comfort in God's plan for Joey to be taken from my physical world so soon, and just when I needed him the most, is that God's plan for all of us is that we will be reunited once again as each of us is called home to God.
If I was taken Beyond A Breath Of Life at this moment I would be reunited with my mom, my brother Jayson, my brother Joey, my baby sister Jacelyn, not to mention many people I have met along my walk on earth, Gracie and several others who have touched my life since Joey died. I also would have to leave behind my only living sibling Jordy and his family, not to mention the Misfit family that I am a part of, the non-blood related family that I have bonded with and consider one of my greatest treasures in life. It's easy to consider yourself stuck between here and there when you want to be in both places for the same reason. That reason is because you love them all equally and would miss them all so dearly no matter what side of the clouds you are on.
Keeping the memory of Joey alive in my heart has never been a challenging thing for me to do. The date of his death and the date of his birth are important to me and I would like them to be important to everyone whose life was touched in one way or another by Joey. I have many fears in my life, most are just ridiculous and annoying to me, but they are things I need to work through as each moment in my life passes by. One of my greatest fears is that people will forget who Joey was to me. That in time they will no longer remember the date of his birth, or the date he took his last breath. Those dates and all the memories will never fade from my heart. I have four journals I have written in since Joey's death that are full of memories of the times we shared while we both took breaths from the same pocket of air in our little hometown city of Sioux City IA. Each time I log another memory of the times I spent with my brother Joey its as if he has never left me.
Yesterday I received a lot of nice texts and emails from members of my Misfit family, my parents siblings and some of my closest friends. All of them shooting little reminders my way of just how much I mean to them, or how much Joey meant to them. It made my day bitter sweet to hear from so many of those that know how much Joey means to me. I was also pleasantly surprised to hear from so many of my blog followers, who without me publishing a blog yesterday, remembered it was the day of Joey's birth. It more deeply confirms my faith in human nature and the kindness so graciously given to each other, for no more personal gain then knowing they have touched a soul in a remarkable way. At the end of my work day I was full of so much gratitude for having such great people in my life. But it was not over yet.
I had barely gotten into my house and changed out of my work clothes when my phone rang. I knew that ring, it was my brother Jordy's wife calling. I had programed "Spoonful of Sugar" from Mary Poppins to ring out when Brooke's cell phone was calling me. When her number was calling me it was usually my 3 1/2 year old niece Olivia calling for something. The reason I selected that song is because whenever I asked Olivia 'who do you think you are?' she would respond to me with "Well I'm just a spoonful of sugar Uncle Jett". My brother and his family live next door to me and if Olivia is not waiting on the porch for me when I get home from work, she is calling me. If I do not answer, she is at the door with in seconds demanding an explanation as to why I did not answer my phone.
When I picked up the call, sure enough, Olivia was on the other end. "Uncle Jett come over to my house right now. It's an urgency (emergency, but she's only 3 1/2) and we are waiting for you." Of course I made my way next door, going out our back door, down our deck, across to the fence with the gate built just for the sole purpose of my little nieces being able to come over without having to leave the safety of their back yard to get to our house. Olivia in fact has come to call our backyard her backyard. When her mom would stand on their deck and yell out "girls where are you?" you would often hear Olivia yell out "in my other yard mommy". Just like my house was her 'other house' and my bedroom was her 'other bedroom', her 'other kitchen', her other everything.
Heading through that gate I could look up and see two little noses and four little hands pressing against their back door waiting for me to get there. I was certain of two things as I climbed the stairs up onto their deck. One, Jaci would scream and run way from the door and two, Olivia would stand there looking at me and say, "you have to knock to get in here". Partly because she liked to be able to unlock the door and partly because she likes to drive me insane by being in control of my movements. So I knocked and so she unlocked the door and invited me in. And thus began the most touching moment of my day, one I surely had no idea would fill my being with so much love, so much happiness, on a day that meant the world to me already.
I walked into a kitchen decorated for a birthday party. I was given a pointed party hat to wear. There were cupcakes on the table, each one with a letter on it. There was a J, an O, an E, and a Y. There were party horns by each place setting. Balloons tied to the back of each chair, held up in the air with helium. Each balloon held a message. The blue one said "love", the red one said "faith", the yellow one said "hope" and the green one said "happy birthday". The plates and napkins had balloons and ribbons printed on them, the same colors as the balloons tied to the chairs. There was a scoop of orange sherbert ice cream on each plate. A gift sat in the middle of the table in a gift bag that was decorated with big lazy flowers with a tag hanging from it with 'Uncle Joey' written on it in the hand writing of a niece he never met.
Jaci had already climbed up onto her chair, Olivia was working her way up on hers. I sat down in a chair between them. My eyes were teary. There was a sadness in my heart as I looked across the table at the empty chair. The chair that was for Joey, where his soul was in the absence of his physical being. I looked around the table and thought how well it was put together to honor the uncle these two little girls would meet one day, far away, in God's house. His favorite color, green, held the message of a happy birthday. His favorite ice cream, orange sherbert, scooped on a plate as if he would get to enjoy its taste. I could picture him sitting across from me in the chair wearing a pointy party hat on top of his head full of curls. As tears began to drop from my eyes I felt two little hands, one to my right and one to my left, latch on to my hands. We shared a moment of silence, perhaps planned perhaps not. A moment I took to thank God for the blessing in my life in the form of two little girls, one who I knew did not understand the meaning of this party, the other who I knew convinced her mommy to help her plan it.
In the background, coming from a room outside of the one we were sitting in, came music. It told me that my sister in law Brooke was near, participating in this party but letting the girls and I play it out by ourselves. The music playing was Cherub Rock by Smashing Pumpkins. Joey's absolute favorite song by them. My attention was brought back to the party being thrown for Joey by Olivia starting to sing Happy Birthday. I joined in and Jaci did the best she could to keep up with our rendition. When we were done singing Jaci picked up her spoon "ice cweam" she said with a smile as big as her heart. The three of us sat there, four if you counted the spirit of the birthday boy, eating and talking and laughing. The girls laughed as a I told them how much their daddy looks like Uncle Joey. That Uncle Joey was even thinner than their daddy. That Uncle Joey had the curliest hair ever. That Uncle Joey was even taller than I was. That when Jaci smiled, she looked just like how Uncle Joey smiled. That Uncle Joey's eyes were even bluer than Olivia's eyes were.
Olivia stood on her chair, which prompted Jaci to do the same. "Uncle Jett", she said, "you can open up the gift from Uncle Joey." For Joey I corrected her, it is not from Joey, it is for Joey. I picked up the bag and as I took out its contents I understood she was correct. These gifts were for the three of us as if Joey himself left them there for us. Three picture frames. Silver. One read BEST BROTHER, one read GREATEST UNCLE, the last read UNCLE GREATNESS. All three of those silver frames that were etched with black ink describing there meanings held a picture of Joey. Olivia handed them out to each of us as she saw fit. We all thanked Joey for being such a big part of our lives and let him know we love him. I told the girls they gave Uncle Joey a lovely party and I am sure as his spirit sat with us he was smiling at us and proud of his little nieces.
The girls ran off to play as I sat at that table taking it all in. Brooke came in the kitchen and sat with me for a moment. "You're a great Uncle Jett, and a great brother. The girls are lucky to have you in their lives to help them get to know Joey." I was speechless and touched. I stood up and received the tightest hug ever from one of the most thoughtful, wonderful people in the world. I thanked her for such a thoughtful sign of her love for our family and for not letting the memory of Joey fade from their lives. "I didn't do any of this Jett," she said, "it was Jordy who helped the girls. It was his idea."
I was emotionally exhausted from this spirit birthday party. I loved it! It meant a lot to me to spend this hour with the girls and celebrate a life they never knew, an uncle they never met. To hear that my brother had planned this was overwhelming. He was not one to dwell on the deaths of our loved ones like I do. We did not spend a lot of time talking about how we missed them. I had come to understand that everyone grieves differently and him and I would never experience what they other felt when it came to the lost of our brother Joey. Emotionally, I just need to get through that gate that doesn't really separate my house from my brothers house. I need to just lay back and let the memory of this day etch itself in my heart.
As I walked out that door that Olivia let me in an hour earlier I seen my only living sibling, my only living brother, Jordy, sitting on his deck. The chair pulled back against his house near the door where he no doubt had been enjoying the celebration he organized so my nieces and I could bond with Joey's spirit on the day he would have turned 32. Neither one of us attempted to avoid eye contact. As I looked him in the eye I knew he would see in me what I was seeing in him. Our eyes were filled with tears, our hearts were filled with a bitter sweetness. He leaned back against his house with his head up towards the sky and closed his eyes. I stepped down from the deck and headed through the gate back into my own yard. Not a word was spoken, it didn't need to be. We let each other be in our own grief for the loss of a brother seven years ago. We appreciated the sadness we shared but never spoke of. We understood the pain that resides inside our hearts, next to the love we had for our brother.
I sat my framed picture of my brother Joey on my dresser. He was tall, and skinny and his hair was curly. He protected me when he was alive from the scariness of my life in the Bushnell house. I thought about Jordy. He was tall, and he was skinny and although his hair was not curly, he protects me from the scariness of my life away from the Bushnell house. Jordy means as much to me as Joey did, and yesterday I found out that I mean as much to him as Joey did. I am blessed, not just because of a birthday party that celebrated the spirit of a loved one gone, but because I get to celebrate each day with the love of a loved one NOT gone.
If I was taken Beyond A Breath Of Life at this moment I would be reunited with my mom, my brother Jayson, my brother Joey, my baby sister Jacelyn, not to mention many people I have met along my walk on earth, Gracie and several others who have touched my life since Joey died. I also would have to leave behind my only living sibling Jordy and his family, not to mention the Misfit family that I am a part of, the non-blood related family that I have bonded with and consider one of my greatest treasures in life. It's easy to consider yourself stuck between here and there when you want to be in both places for the same reason. That reason is because you love them all equally and would miss them all so dearly no matter what side of the clouds you are on.
Keeping the memory of Joey alive in my heart has never been a challenging thing for me to do. The date of his death and the date of his birth are important to me and I would like them to be important to everyone whose life was touched in one way or another by Joey. I have many fears in my life, most are just ridiculous and annoying to me, but they are things I need to work through as each moment in my life passes by. One of my greatest fears is that people will forget who Joey was to me. That in time they will no longer remember the date of his birth, or the date he took his last breath. Those dates and all the memories will never fade from my heart. I have four journals I have written in since Joey's death that are full of memories of the times we shared while we both took breaths from the same pocket of air in our little hometown city of Sioux City IA. Each time I log another memory of the times I spent with my brother Joey its as if he has never left me.
Yesterday I received a lot of nice texts and emails from members of my Misfit family, my parents siblings and some of my closest friends. All of them shooting little reminders my way of just how much I mean to them, or how much Joey meant to them. It made my day bitter sweet to hear from so many of those that know how much Joey means to me. I was also pleasantly surprised to hear from so many of my blog followers, who without me publishing a blog yesterday, remembered it was the day of Joey's birth. It more deeply confirms my faith in human nature and the kindness so graciously given to each other, for no more personal gain then knowing they have touched a soul in a remarkable way. At the end of my work day I was full of so much gratitude for having such great people in my life. But it was not over yet.
I had barely gotten into my house and changed out of my work clothes when my phone rang. I knew that ring, it was my brother Jordy's wife calling. I had programed "Spoonful of Sugar" from Mary Poppins to ring out when Brooke's cell phone was calling me. When her number was calling me it was usually my 3 1/2 year old niece Olivia calling for something. The reason I selected that song is because whenever I asked Olivia 'who do you think you are?' she would respond to me with "Well I'm just a spoonful of sugar Uncle Jett". My brother and his family live next door to me and if Olivia is not waiting on the porch for me when I get home from work, she is calling me. If I do not answer, she is at the door with in seconds demanding an explanation as to why I did not answer my phone.
When I picked up the call, sure enough, Olivia was on the other end. "Uncle Jett come over to my house right now. It's an urgency (emergency, but she's only 3 1/2) and we are waiting for you." Of course I made my way next door, going out our back door, down our deck, across to the fence with the gate built just for the sole purpose of my little nieces being able to come over without having to leave the safety of their back yard to get to our house. Olivia in fact has come to call our backyard her backyard. When her mom would stand on their deck and yell out "girls where are you?" you would often hear Olivia yell out "in my other yard mommy". Just like my house was her 'other house' and my bedroom was her 'other bedroom', her 'other kitchen', her other everything.
Heading through that gate I could look up and see two little noses and four little hands pressing against their back door waiting for me to get there. I was certain of two things as I climbed the stairs up onto their deck. One, Jaci would scream and run way from the door and two, Olivia would stand there looking at me and say, "you have to knock to get in here". Partly because she liked to be able to unlock the door and partly because she likes to drive me insane by being in control of my movements. So I knocked and so she unlocked the door and invited me in. And thus began the most touching moment of my day, one I surely had no idea would fill my being with so much love, so much happiness, on a day that meant the world to me already.
I walked into a kitchen decorated for a birthday party. I was given a pointed party hat to wear. There were cupcakes on the table, each one with a letter on it. There was a J, an O, an E, and a Y. There were party horns by each place setting. Balloons tied to the back of each chair, held up in the air with helium. Each balloon held a message. The blue one said "love", the red one said "faith", the yellow one said "hope" and the green one said "happy birthday". The plates and napkins had balloons and ribbons printed on them, the same colors as the balloons tied to the chairs. There was a scoop of orange sherbert ice cream on each plate. A gift sat in the middle of the table in a gift bag that was decorated with big lazy flowers with a tag hanging from it with 'Uncle Joey' written on it in the hand writing of a niece he never met.
Jaci had already climbed up onto her chair, Olivia was working her way up on hers. I sat down in a chair between them. My eyes were teary. There was a sadness in my heart as I looked across the table at the empty chair. The chair that was for Joey, where his soul was in the absence of his physical being. I looked around the table and thought how well it was put together to honor the uncle these two little girls would meet one day, far away, in God's house. His favorite color, green, held the message of a happy birthday. His favorite ice cream, orange sherbert, scooped on a plate as if he would get to enjoy its taste. I could picture him sitting across from me in the chair wearing a pointy party hat on top of his head full of curls. As tears began to drop from my eyes I felt two little hands, one to my right and one to my left, latch on to my hands. We shared a moment of silence, perhaps planned perhaps not. A moment I took to thank God for the blessing in my life in the form of two little girls, one who I knew did not understand the meaning of this party, the other who I knew convinced her mommy to help her plan it.
In the background, coming from a room outside of the one we were sitting in, came music. It told me that my sister in law Brooke was near, participating in this party but letting the girls and I play it out by ourselves. The music playing was Cherub Rock by Smashing Pumpkins. Joey's absolute favorite song by them. My attention was brought back to the party being thrown for Joey by Olivia starting to sing Happy Birthday. I joined in and Jaci did the best she could to keep up with our rendition. When we were done singing Jaci picked up her spoon "ice cweam" she said with a smile as big as her heart. The three of us sat there, four if you counted the spirit of the birthday boy, eating and talking and laughing. The girls laughed as a I told them how much their daddy looks like Uncle Joey. That Uncle Joey was even thinner than their daddy. That Uncle Joey had the curliest hair ever. That Uncle Joey was even taller than I was. That when Jaci smiled, she looked just like how Uncle Joey smiled. That Uncle Joey's eyes were even bluer than Olivia's eyes were.
Olivia stood on her chair, which prompted Jaci to do the same. "Uncle Jett", she said, "you can open up the gift from Uncle Joey." For Joey I corrected her, it is not from Joey, it is for Joey. I picked up the bag and as I took out its contents I understood she was correct. These gifts were for the three of us as if Joey himself left them there for us. Three picture frames. Silver. One read BEST BROTHER, one read GREATEST UNCLE, the last read UNCLE GREATNESS. All three of those silver frames that were etched with black ink describing there meanings held a picture of Joey. Olivia handed them out to each of us as she saw fit. We all thanked Joey for being such a big part of our lives and let him know we love him. I told the girls they gave Uncle Joey a lovely party and I am sure as his spirit sat with us he was smiling at us and proud of his little nieces.
The girls ran off to play as I sat at that table taking it all in. Brooke came in the kitchen and sat with me for a moment. "You're a great Uncle Jett, and a great brother. The girls are lucky to have you in their lives to help them get to know Joey." I was speechless and touched. I stood up and received the tightest hug ever from one of the most thoughtful, wonderful people in the world. I thanked her for such a thoughtful sign of her love for our family and for not letting the memory of Joey fade from their lives. "I didn't do any of this Jett," she said, "it was Jordy who helped the girls. It was his idea."
I was emotionally exhausted from this spirit birthday party. I loved it! It meant a lot to me to spend this hour with the girls and celebrate a life they never knew, an uncle they never met. To hear that my brother had planned this was overwhelming. He was not one to dwell on the deaths of our loved ones like I do. We did not spend a lot of time talking about how we missed them. I had come to understand that everyone grieves differently and him and I would never experience what they other felt when it came to the lost of our brother Joey. Emotionally, I just need to get through that gate that doesn't really separate my house from my brothers house. I need to just lay back and let the memory of this day etch itself in my heart.
As I walked out that door that Olivia let me in an hour earlier I seen my only living sibling, my only living brother, Jordy, sitting on his deck. The chair pulled back against his house near the door where he no doubt had been enjoying the celebration he organized so my nieces and I could bond with Joey's spirit on the day he would have turned 32. Neither one of us attempted to avoid eye contact. As I looked him in the eye I knew he would see in me what I was seeing in him. Our eyes were filled with tears, our hearts were filled with a bitter sweetness. He leaned back against his house with his head up towards the sky and closed his eyes. I stepped down from the deck and headed through the gate back into my own yard. Not a word was spoken, it didn't need to be. We let each other be in our own grief for the loss of a brother seven years ago. We appreciated the sadness we shared but never spoke of. We understood the pain that resides inside our hearts, next to the love we had for our brother.
I sat my framed picture of my brother Joey on my dresser. He was tall, and skinny and his hair was curly. He protected me when he was alive from the scariness of my life in the Bushnell house. I thought about Jordy. He was tall, and he was skinny and although his hair was not curly, he protects me from the scariness of my life away from the Bushnell house. Jordy means as much to me as Joey did, and yesterday I found out that I mean as much to him as Joey did. I am blessed, not just because of a birthday party that celebrated the spirit of a loved one gone, but because I get to celebrate each day with the love of a loved one NOT gone.
