There are so many things still not crossed off Grace's hand written bucket lists it is never hard to think of something I can do to help her experience one more thing before her time runs out. Today I would bypass the items on that list and focus on her "People To Meet" list. Like all her lists, the lines on that page grew quickly with each story I shared with her regarding my daily life. She was always asking me to share a story with her, often detailing what part of my life to share at any given time. Through these stories she created a list of people in my life that she wanted to be introduced to. Over spring break she was able to visit me in my home for an evening on a Saturday. It was that visit that knocked out six of them, all in one night.
She met Tommy, who I've know for four years, through mutual friends in the hockey world. George is another friend I've know for almost four years, and I actually met him through Tommy's brother. Both great friends to me, in different capacities. Zander and Charlie live with me and my dad, not blood brothers, but like my dad, DNA could not provide a better match of brothers to me. My nephew was also present, Jimmy, who will tell you that his first name is Little and his second name is Dude. Near the end of her visit this night, she would meet Brooke, my sister in law and Kat, Mikey's wife. Brooke's daughter Olivia would be with them when they came by to pick up Little Dude. Grace had met Little Dude and Olivia prior to this night. She was excited on the following Wednesday's visit to show me all the names she was able to cross off her list. When my dad went to visit with her not that long ago, it was one more name crossed off.
Grace was always asking me when she would get to meet Kristy. It's not that I intentionally kept them apart, it was hard to coordinate, and to be frank about it, I was wanting more and more of Grace to myself. Thinking about her list of people I thought it might be nice to see if Kristy would be able to come along with me today when I visited Grace. I barely got the question out before she was screaming with excitement and telling me it was about time.
Kristy and I stood on Grace's front porch and I felt a bit nervous, as if I was taking Kristy home for the first time to meet my family. Maybe even more nervous, because standing next to me, and right inside the door in front of me, were two of the few females in my life that had total control over my heart. Both were sassy. Both were bossy. Both were controlling. One wanted so bad to be a dancer in life, but there just was not time. The other was a dancer, and in fact, taught girls Grace's age and younger to dance. I can tell you with a great deal of confidence that the nerves I was feeling was related to not how they would get along with each other, but how they would share stories of Grace's favorite topic ... ME.
We were greeted into Grace's home by her mother. I had called earlier and ask if it would be OK to bring my friend Kristy to visit Grace today. She had no problem with that at all. I invited her to get out of the house for a couple hours when we get there, and just take a mental break from the time and care she dedicated to Grace. She was very excited to get that offer, and after she let us in, she thanked me more than once for letting her get a way and run some errands. I assured her we would take great care of Grace, and she should take as much time as she wanted, or needed.
Grace was sitting in the family room, playing with Linda, Jenny, and (eye's rolling) George, her barbie family. "Grace, guess who I brought with me today to visit with us?" She looked up from where she was sitting, and seeing Kristy standing there she stood up and stood still as if she were frozen in time. Tears formed in Graces eyes. "What is wrong Grace?" I asked her. Without a word she turned and disappeared into her room. Kristy grabbed my arm, "Maybe I should go Jett, she seems like she is not comfortable with me here." I tell her to give me a minute and I go to Grace's room. She has shut the door so I knock and ask if I can come in. "Is she with you?" She asks me. "No Grace, I am alone." She opens her door a sliver and peeks out. When she sees I am alone, she invites me in and closes the door. "Grace, what is wrong? I thought you would be happy to meet Kristy today." She goes and sit on her bed, tears still in her eyes. "She is very pretty Jett. I am not so pretty." I sit on her bed next to her. "Grace, you know everyone is beautiful in different ways. I have told you many times I think you are beautiful to me, inside and out."
"Her hair is so pretty Jett. And she is just so pretty. I did not think she would be so pretty. I felt ugly when I saw her. I used to have pretty hair and look at me now." This is a total girl thing isn't it, I ask myself. "Kristy is beautiful", I tell Grace, "and if you just get to know her just a little bit today, you will see she is beautiful inside too. But she is not anymore beautiful to my eyes then you are to me." I wipe her tears from her cheeks, and rub my hand along the top of her head. "If you are more comfortable, you can put one of your lids on. Would you like to do that?" She gets up and opens a dresser drawer, pulls out a knit pink hat, and puts it on. "You look beautiful Gracie, do you feel better?" She touches the hat she has put on her head. "Yes. I think I will be OK." I grab my little angels tiny hand and we go back out to find Kristy sitting waiting for our return.
"Kristy, this is Grace. Grace, this is Kristy." Grace stays close to me, as if she is fearful to get to close to Kristy. Kristy stands up to come over and shake hands with Grace. "I've been excited to meet you Grace, Jett tells me so many fun things about you." Grace shakes Kristy's hand and moves a little closer to me. Kristy will break the ice by using Grace's barbie family. "I love barbies. When I was your age my cousin and I used to play for hours, dressing them in their pretty dresses and dreaming of being them." Before long my girls are sitting on the floor, looking at all the barbie clothes and talking fashion. I sit in a chair near them and just watch and listen to them, sharing their love of barbie dolls.
A half hour later, they are still in barbie land. I stretched back in the recliner, close my eyes, and listened to them talk about barbies, fashion, clothes, and the color pink. I hear them giggle and can almost see the smiles on their faces even though my eyes were closed. They seemed comfortable together and were talking like they had known each other for longer than the hour that had passed. I hear them talking about the necklace Kristy had on and how Grace has "never seen such a sparkly necklace" before. Grace was asking Kristy many questions and soon she was talking to Kristy about how she wished she had a sister like her. How she knows if she had a big sister she would be just as nice and just as pretty as Kristy was. I heard Kristy talk to Grace about how she always wanted to have a sister, but only had two brothers.
I heard Kristy say to Grace, "I am sorry I made you cry Grace, we should of asked you if you would like to meet me." There is a pause, and even without looking at Grace, I know she is choosing her words carefully. "You are prettier than I am and it makes me sad. Now I know why Jett wants to marry you someday." I cringe, that is one of the things I didn't want my little sister angel to share with the girl that is not my girlfriend anymore. "It made me nervous when I saw how pretty you are. I wonder if I was going to be pretty when I was old enough to date." She finishes.
"To be truthful to you Grace, I have been nervous about meeting you too. Jett loves you so much so I knew you were going to be a very nice funny person. He calls you his pretty girl when he talks to me about you. He told me you have the prettiest eyes ever, because of how they shine and put a sparkle in the room." Grace tells Kristy, "I love Jett too. And we have lots of secrets together about you."
The talk turned to whispers, and I knew my girls were up to something. I opened my eyes and when I looked at them, Grace was wearing Kristy's necklace, Kristy was wearing Grace's pink knit hat, and they were hugging pinkies.
"What are you pinky swearing to? Are you keeping secrets from me?" I asked. They giggle and looked at me, then each other. Kristy put her finger up to her lips and shhh'ed Grace as if to tell her 'he does not need to know our secrets'.
It had been over an hour and I tell Grace we should go and write some more of her story. She tells Kristy it is OK for her to stay and play with her barbies while her and I get to work. I grab my backpack and we head to Grace's room, where she will lay back and dictate more of her story to me, and more than likely ask me questions about Kristy.
"I like her", she tells me, "I think she will say yes when you ask her to marry you someday." Grace begins to dictate to me more of the story she would like told. "I would like our blog friends to know that it does not hurt me Jett." I stop writing and I look at her. "What does not hurt you Grace?" I asked. I was preparing myself for Grace to describe to me more about her cancer and the treatments. I would be surprised at what she said to me next. "My heart. It does not hurt. When people stare at me, it does not hurt me. I am not mad with anyone that I am dying. I do not think my mommy and my daddy meant that this would happen. I do not think anyone is trying to hurt me." I tell her "You are a brave child of God Grace, and I have learned so much from you these past few months."
Grace scoots over to one side of her bed and offers me the other. We lay on our backs and look up at the ceiling. This tells me a couple things. First, she is getting tired and is preparing herself for rest. Second, she is 'off the record' as far as telling her story. "I dream about heaven you know." She says matter of fact. "But I am not sure they are really dreams. When I wake up, I feel like I went on a visit. Do you believe me Jett? That I go to heaven when I sleep?" This is a tough conversation for me to have. "I believe you Grace. I believe that heaven is not so far away from us that we cannot visit and that our loved ones already there can come visit us as here." Grace turns and looks at me. "I know Joey you know. I have visited with Joey. I even met your mommy. Your other brother and your baby sister are with her." I cannot even look her in the eyes. I close my eyes and hear her words again. I have never told Gracie about losing another brother and my baby sister. My dad must of told her, I tell myself. Maybe when she visited my house she read it in one of my journals. "They do not talk to me like Joey does. Joey is closer to us on earth then the rest of your family." I squeeze my closed eyes tighter, as if that will prevent her words from seeping through inside of me. She does not stop. "He wishes you were not so angry at your mommy for going to be with God. Jett, you will not be angry with me right? I do not want you to be sad or mad." My mind is going off like a box of bottle rockets. How does she knows these things? "It is like we are trading mommy's Jett. When I get to heaven I will be with your mommy. You have to visit my mommy here, like she is your mommy. She is going to need you, you know." I just have no words. I cannot utter a sound. I lay there, with my eyes closed, my mind racing for reasoning of how this can be.
I can feel Grace move and I suddenly feel her sitting on my stomach. I feel her tiny hands on my face. "Open your eyes Jett, I know you can hear me." As soon as I open them, I can feel them fill up with tears. We have had endless conversations about Joey. Grace knows I miss him and I cannot let him go. I keep him here on earth with me, where I feel he belongs. I have entire conversations with him when I need someone to talk to. I cry endless tears at times begging him to come back. I tell him I am afraid I am not making the right decisions to carry me through life. I tell him I am afraid that someday I will be left alone on earth and everyone I love will be in heaven. There will be no one left on earth with me and I will walk in darkness, aimlessly with no direction. He knows I am afraid that I will fail God's test and not be allowed to move on without more heartaches and pain on earth. It is easier for me to feel better about my journey with Joey here with me.
"Jett? Please do not be sad. It is happy that I visit heaven so when I get there I know what it is like." "I know it is Gracie, and I am only sad that I will miss you greatly. I am a little jealous that you got chosen you know. But I am happy that Joey is going to be there for you."
I read our blog to her and told her about a very nice woman who contacted me regarding our blogs and how she was questioning herself on some decisions she made in her life that left her feeling lonely and unsure of things in her future. I told Grace how she was keeping up with our blogs and was impressed with the courage that she had in what she was facing. "Do you think we helped her?, she asked. "Yes Grace, I think we helped her see she is on the right path." Grace was quick to respond, "That is good then. I will say a prayer for her and her sons tonight."
Grace tells me she is tried, and if I am going to be OK she would like to rest. She thanked me for bringing Kristy with me, and being her bossy self has instructed me to REALLY REALLY marry her someday. I get Kristy so they can say goodbye. I was happy they worked it out and that Grace can cross Kristy off her people to meet list finally. Grace asks Kristy if she would like her necklace back now. "You can wear for a while", she tells her. "Do you want your knit hat back?" Grace holds out her hand. "Yes I would." It makes me smile, I like her spunk. I look at her as she takes the hat from Kristy. I take note of the way they look at each other and smile. If Gracie is pinkie swearing with you, you are 'in'.
We say our goodbyes and just when I am walking out of her bedroom for the drive home I hear her say. ''It's true you know. You need to believe me." I turn to look at her and let her know I do believe her, and I have always believed that angels walk amongst us. She is laying back, her eyes closed, one hand holding the necklace around her neck, the other clutching her pink knit hat. "I believe", I say, as I turn to leave.
I sit here now, and I am a bit relieved that Grace and I will take the day off tomorrow. Not that I won't miss her, but I would like some time to process her revelations to me today. They are having a family gathering at their house tomorrow, where some of her cousins will be able to visit with her. We agree to our date on Saturday to be an afternoon date, and for sure she would like to go to a nice restaurant. If things go well, she would like to go to the mall and just look at everything going on there.
Grace is going on a date. I was hoping she would get to cross that one off her bucket list.
She met Tommy, who I've know for four years, through mutual friends in the hockey world. George is another friend I've know for almost four years, and I actually met him through Tommy's brother. Both great friends to me, in different capacities. Zander and Charlie live with me and my dad, not blood brothers, but like my dad, DNA could not provide a better match of brothers to me. My nephew was also present, Jimmy, who will tell you that his first name is Little and his second name is Dude. Near the end of her visit this night, she would meet Brooke, my sister in law and Kat, Mikey's wife. Brooke's daughter Olivia would be with them when they came by to pick up Little Dude. Grace had met Little Dude and Olivia prior to this night. She was excited on the following Wednesday's visit to show me all the names she was able to cross off her list. When my dad went to visit with her not that long ago, it was one more name crossed off.
Grace was always asking me when she would get to meet Kristy. It's not that I intentionally kept them apart, it was hard to coordinate, and to be frank about it, I was wanting more and more of Grace to myself. Thinking about her list of people I thought it might be nice to see if Kristy would be able to come along with me today when I visited Grace. I barely got the question out before she was screaming with excitement and telling me it was about time.
Kristy and I stood on Grace's front porch and I felt a bit nervous, as if I was taking Kristy home for the first time to meet my family. Maybe even more nervous, because standing next to me, and right inside the door in front of me, were two of the few females in my life that had total control over my heart. Both were sassy. Both were bossy. Both were controlling. One wanted so bad to be a dancer in life, but there just was not time. The other was a dancer, and in fact, taught girls Grace's age and younger to dance. I can tell you with a great deal of confidence that the nerves I was feeling was related to not how they would get along with each other, but how they would share stories of Grace's favorite topic ... ME.
We were greeted into Grace's home by her mother. I had called earlier and ask if it would be OK to bring my friend Kristy to visit Grace today. She had no problem with that at all. I invited her to get out of the house for a couple hours when we get there, and just take a mental break from the time and care she dedicated to Grace. She was very excited to get that offer, and after she let us in, she thanked me more than once for letting her get a way and run some errands. I assured her we would take great care of Grace, and she should take as much time as she wanted, or needed.
Grace was sitting in the family room, playing with Linda, Jenny, and (eye's rolling) George, her barbie family. "Grace, guess who I brought with me today to visit with us?" She looked up from where she was sitting, and seeing Kristy standing there she stood up and stood still as if she were frozen in time. Tears formed in Graces eyes. "What is wrong Grace?" I asked her. Without a word she turned and disappeared into her room. Kristy grabbed my arm, "Maybe I should go Jett, she seems like she is not comfortable with me here." I tell her to give me a minute and I go to Grace's room. She has shut the door so I knock and ask if I can come in. "Is she with you?" She asks me. "No Grace, I am alone." She opens her door a sliver and peeks out. When she sees I am alone, she invites me in and closes the door. "Grace, what is wrong? I thought you would be happy to meet Kristy today." She goes and sit on her bed, tears still in her eyes. "She is very pretty Jett. I am not so pretty." I sit on her bed next to her. "Grace, you know everyone is beautiful in different ways. I have told you many times I think you are beautiful to me, inside and out."
"Her hair is so pretty Jett. And she is just so pretty. I did not think she would be so pretty. I felt ugly when I saw her. I used to have pretty hair and look at me now." This is a total girl thing isn't it, I ask myself. "Kristy is beautiful", I tell Grace, "and if you just get to know her just a little bit today, you will see she is beautiful inside too. But she is not anymore beautiful to my eyes then you are to me." I wipe her tears from her cheeks, and rub my hand along the top of her head. "If you are more comfortable, you can put one of your lids on. Would you like to do that?" She gets up and opens a dresser drawer, pulls out a knit pink hat, and puts it on. "You look beautiful Gracie, do you feel better?" She touches the hat she has put on her head. "Yes. I think I will be OK." I grab my little angels tiny hand and we go back out to find Kristy sitting waiting for our return.
"Kristy, this is Grace. Grace, this is Kristy." Grace stays close to me, as if she is fearful to get to close to Kristy. Kristy stands up to come over and shake hands with Grace. "I've been excited to meet you Grace, Jett tells me so many fun things about you." Grace shakes Kristy's hand and moves a little closer to me. Kristy will break the ice by using Grace's barbie family. "I love barbies. When I was your age my cousin and I used to play for hours, dressing them in their pretty dresses and dreaming of being them." Before long my girls are sitting on the floor, looking at all the barbie clothes and talking fashion. I sit in a chair near them and just watch and listen to them, sharing their love of barbie dolls.
A half hour later, they are still in barbie land. I stretched back in the recliner, close my eyes, and listened to them talk about barbies, fashion, clothes, and the color pink. I hear them giggle and can almost see the smiles on their faces even though my eyes were closed. They seemed comfortable together and were talking like they had known each other for longer than the hour that had passed. I hear them talking about the necklace Kristy had on and how Grace has "never seen such a sparkly necklace" before. Grace was asking Kristy many questions and soon she was talking to Kristy about how she wished she had a sister like her. How she knows if she had a big sister she would be just as nice and just as pretty as Kristy was. I heard Kristy talk to Grace about how she always wanted to have a sister, but only had two brothers.
I heard Kristy say to Grace, "I am sorry I made you cry Grace, we should of asked you if you would like to meet me." There is a pause, and even without looking at Grace, I know she is choosing her words carefully. "You are prettier than I am and it makes me sad. Now I know why Jett wants to marry you someday." I cringe, that is one of the things I didn't want my little sister angel to share with the girl that is not my girlfriend anymore. "It made me nervous when I saw how pretty you are. I wonder if I was going to be pretty when I was old enough to date." She finishes.
"To be truthful to you Grace, I have been nervous about meeting you too. Jett loves you so much so I knew you were going to be a very nice funny person. He calls you his pretty girl when he talks to me about you. He told me you have the prettiest eyes ever, because of how they shine and put a sparkle in the room." Grace tells Kristy, "I love Jett too. And we have lots of secrets together about you."
The talk turned to whispers, and I knew my girls were up to something. I opened my eyes and when I looked at them, Grace was wearing Kristy's necklace, Kristy was wearing Grace's pink knit hat, and they were hugging pinkies.
"What are you pinky swearing to? Are you keeping secrets from me?" I asked. They giggle and looked at me, then each other. Kristy put her finger up to her lips and shhh'ed Grace as if to tell her 'he does not need to know our secrets'.
It had been over an hour and I tell Grace we should go and write some more of her story. She tells Kristy it is OK for her to stay and play with her barbies while her and I get to work. I grab my backpack and we head to Grace's room, where she will lay back and dictate more of her story to me, and more than likely ask me questions about Kristy.
"I like her", she tells me, "I think she will say yes when you ask her to marry you someday." Grace begins to dictate to me more of the story she would like told. "I would like our blog friends to know that it does not hurt me Jett." I stop writing and I look at her. "What does not hurt you Grace?" I asked. I was preparing myself for Grace to describe to me more about her cancer and the treatments. I would be surprised at what she said to me next. "My heart. It does not hurt. When people stare at me, it does not hurt me. I am not mad with anyone that I am dying. I do not think my mommy and my daddy meant that this would happen. I do not think anyone is trying to hurt me." I tell her "You are a brave child of God Grace, and I have learned so much from you these past few months."
Grace scoots over to one side of her bed and offers me the other. We lay on our backs and look up at the ceiling. This tells me a couple things. First, she is getting tired and is preparing herself for rest. Second, she is 'off the record' as far as telling her story. "I dream about heaven you know." She says matter of fact. "But I am not sure they are really dreams. When I wake up, I feel like I went on a visit. Do you believe me Jett? That I go to heaven when I sleep?" This is a tough conversation for me to have. "I believe you Grace. I believe that heaven is not so far away from us that we cannot visit and that our loved ones already there can come visit us as here." Grace turns and looks at me. "I know Joey you know. I have visited with Joey. I even met your mommy. Your other brother and your baby sister are with her." I cannot even look her in the eyes. I close my eyes and hear her words again. I have never told Gracie about losing another brother and my baby sister. My dad must of told her, I tell myself. Maybe when she visited my house she read it in one of my journals. "They do not talk to me like Joey does. Joey is closer to us on earth then the rest of your family." I squeeze my closed eyes tighter, as if that will prevent her words from seeping through inside of me. She does not stop. "He wishes you were not so angry at your mommy for going to be with God. Jett, you will not be angry with me right? I do not want you to be sad or mad." My mind is going off like a box of bottle rockets. How does she knows these things? "It is like we are trading mommy's Jett. When I get to heaven I will be with your mommy. You have to visit my mommy here, like she is your mommy. She is going to need you, you know." I just have no words. I cannot utter a sound. I lay there, with my eyes closed, my mind racing for reasoning of how this can be.
I can feel Grace move and I suddenly feel her sitting on my stomach. I feel her tiny hands on my face. "Open your eyes Jett, I know you can hear me." As soon as I open them, I can feel them fill up with tears. We have had endless conversations about Joey. Grace knows I miss him and I cannot let him go. I keep him here on earth with me, where I feel he belongs. I have entire conversations with him when I need someone to talk to. I cry endless tears at times begging him to come back. I tell him I am afraid I am not making the right decisions to carry me through life. I tell him I am afraid that someday I will be left alone on earth and everyone I love will be in heaven. There will be no one left on earth with me and I will walk in darkness, aimlessly with no direction. He knows I am afraid that I will fail God's test and not be allowed to move on without more heartaches and pain on earth. It is easier for me to feel better about my journey with Joey here with me.
"Jett? Please do not be sad. It is happy that I visit heaven so when I get there I know what it is like." "I know it is Gracie, and I am only sad that I will miss you greatly. I am a little jealous that you got chosen you know. But I am happy that Joey is going to be there for you."
I read our blog to her and told her about a very nice woman who contacted me regarding our blogs and how she was questioning herself on some decisions she made in her life that left her feeling lonely and unsure of things in her future. I told Grace how she was keeping up with our blogs and was impressed with the courage that she had in what she was facing. "Do you think we helped her?, she asked. "Yes Grace, I think we helped her see she is on the right path." Grace was quick to respond, "That is good then. I will say a prayer for her and her sons tonight."
Grace tells me she is tried, and if I am going to be OK she would like to rest. She thanked me for bringing Kristy with me, and being her bossy self has instructed me to REALLY REALLY marry her someday. I get Kristy so they can say goodbye. I was happy they worked it out and that Grace can cross Kristy off her people to meet list finally. Grace asks Kristy if she would like her necklace back now. "You can wear for a while", she tells her. "Do you want your knit hat back?" Grace holds out her hand. "Yes I would." It makes me smile, I like her spunk. I look at her as she takes the hat from Kristy. I take note of the way they look at each other and smile. If Gracie is pinkie swearing with you, you are 'in'.
We say our goodbyes and just when I am walking out of her bedroom for the drive home I hear her say. ''It's true you know. You need to believe me." I turn to look at her and let her know I do believe her, and I have always believed that angels walk amongst us. She is laying back, her eyes closed, one hand holding the necklace around her neck, the other clutching her pink knit hat. "I believe", I say, as I turn to leave.
I sit here now, and I am a bit relieved that Grace and I will take the day off tomorrow. Not that I won't miss her, but I would like some time to process her revelations to me today. They are having a family gathering at their house tomorrow, where some of her cousins will be able to visit with her. We agree to our date on Saturday to be an afternoon date, and for sure she would like to go to a nice restaurant. If things go well, she would like to go to the mall and just look at everything going on there.
Grace is going on a date. I was hoping she would get to cross that one off her bucket list.
