Amazing Grace VII: The Circle of Life

I was extremely happy to find my amazing Grace feeling stronger when I visited her this past Wednesday.  I try to remind myself it’s temporary, her looking stronger than the last time I had visited with her.  I try to remind myself to enjoy our visits without the fear of this being the last visit.   It is hard though, the more I get to know Grace, the harder I pray every morning and every night, that today, is the day someone finds a cure that will save Grace and allow her to live a long, healthy life.   I remember that same prayer routine when I watched my brother go through his treatments, only to lose his fight in the end, to a disease that takes the lives on average of 1500 USA citizens per day, with another 3400 USA citizens being diagnosed with cancer. 

I really never know what I will get out my visit to Grace.  I always hope to find her upbeat, healthy, and winning the battles she encounters each day.    I just never know what will be waiting for me from the little girl who is spunky and full of mischief.  The last time I visited Grace when she was feeling well she had ended our time with a request that I teach her dance, so that she will be ready to dance with God when he calls her home.  Grace has a way of ending our visit with that one statement that keeps me thinking of what question I will ask her on our next visit.

That is the rule, even though our friendship started with me conducting an interview with Grace about her fight with cancer, she limited our visits to two interview questions, one she would ask me, the other I would ask her.  The rest of the visit is just a lot of fun.  Like many friendships developing, it is exciting to get to know one another, through just talking away and realizing what you have in common that connects you to someone, is just as interesting as what you do not have in common that holds the friendship together. 

Prior to my weekly visit to Grace as she received her treatment,  I took my 5 year old nephew Jimz (Jimmy) and my 1 year old niece Ola (Olivia) to visit Grace.   Our visit lasted about 20 minutes due to Grace feeling tired and weak, still trying to recover from a very rough week of headaches and tired and achy bones.   Meeting my family is one of Grace’s bucket list items.  Her reasoning is, she would like to meet the people she will be guiding from the clouds.  Keeping them safe and on the right path.  Jimz and Ola were two of the people I was counting on Grace guiding, and I wanted her to know what she was getting into with these two, because when they are together, they rule the world.

Jimz was very perceptive that something was wrong with Grace and did not hesitate to ask her all the questions he had for her.  Grace, for being eight, answered his questions eloquently and fitting, for his small age.  Ola’s vocabulary, not being much more than ‘cookie’ and ‘cheetos’,  limited their conversation greatly.   I think Grace liked that Ola would just sit next to her and be happy.  They ‘talked’ about Ola’s hat and purse, with Grace complimenting her on her selection and Ola smiling, as if she understood she was being complimented.

Our limited time today did not give them much time to bond, but I feel Grace was happy to meet two of the many important people in my life.  They all hugged and said goodbye.  Jimz even went back to kiss Grace on the cheek and tell her everything will be alright, you will feel better soon.   I thought to myself, does he feel something I cannot?   Does he get this?  Or is he wishing her well because he knows when he is sick, everything eventually does become alright?  

Thoughts linger constantly in my mind, on the circle of life.  A life is created,  a life is taken away.  An old man lives to be 100, a young girl will die before she turns nine.   A sibling dies before they live.   A baby is born to fill a void.  Dying of natural causes sounds like a better alternative than fighting to live.  A life cut short.  A life too long.   Who are we to say who stays and who goes?  Who are we to question why they are here or why they are not?  We don’t pick our date of death.  We don’t have the luxury of deciding when we would like to arrive on earth, and when we would like to exit it.  We don’t have a say in how our story and journey will end.

Or do we?

Amazing Grace VI: An Angel's Journey

We have a routine, Grace and I, when I visit her weekly.   I pondered straying from that routine so I wouldn’t lose nerve to ask Grace the question I needed to ask, so I could relax and be done with it.  As I walked into greet my little friend, I thought it best to stick with our routine and not stray from the known.  We always had our fun visit time first, before we ended with our interview.  I suppose it worked out well that way because we both were relaxed and comfortable as we got down to the agenda of writing more Grace’s short time here on earth.

Today she looked well rested.  I noticed immediately the absence of the usual hat Grace wore.   I’ve rarely seen her without some sort of hat on her head.  Without one was yet one more reminder of the things she has gone through thus far in her journey in life. I struggle with this today, as I see this beautiful bald little eight year old.  It does not make me question my faith at all, but it leaves me questioning my maker about the reasoning behind this horrible hurdle in our lives we call cancer.

Grace notices this in me and is quick to remind me that our time together is for smiles and laughter, not sorrow and pain.  “Don’t think about it Jett, it was just hair. It’s much easier to be bald than it is to have to take care of it everyday.”   Suddenly the only thing I noticed about Grace from the neck up is that big beautiful smile. 

We chat a bit about what has been going on in our worlds since the last visit.  Grace fills me in on her daily routine in life.  She is eager to hear what I have had going on the past few days.  Full of questions about the life of a 19 year old college student.   It’s as if Grace is trying to absorb as much as she can about the life I live that she will not ever get to experience.   It isn’t long before I realize she has turned this visit into the story of me, verses the story of her.   Makes me shake my head.  I tell her that perhaps in heaven she can get a part time job as a reporter, or a journalist, to go along with the job she will apply for as Angel Guide when she gets to heaven.  “There’s no news in heaven Jett.”  she says rolling her eyes.  “You already know everything so you do not have to read about it.  There’s no need to announce births, even though there are babies in heaven.  The grandmother’s take care of them.  There’s no announcements when people die.  They are already, well, dead.”  I stand corrected, again, as she out smarts me.

I have to know.  I have to ask the question that I probably already know the answer to.  There is no stopping me.

“Gracie”, I ask, “Do you ever get tired of the fight?   Do you ever think about just giving in?  Do you ever feel like it’s time?”

“It’s not a fight Jett., it’s a journey.  If I think of it as a fight, its hard, because I know I will not win.  I trust my parents that they are truthful to me about what the doctors say.  This is my journey in life.  It is what God wants from me.  I am the lucky one you see, because I get to know when it ends.  Most people never get to know how close they are to the end, until the end gets here.  There are lots of people who do not get to be OK with their hearts before their journey ends.”

Silence

“Jett?”  Grace asks.  “Do you ever think about giving up on your journey?”

Silence

“Jett?” She asks.  “I want you to answer me, truthfully.”

“Yes Grace I do think about it sometimes.  I get angry.  I get sad.  Sometimes my heart hurts real bad.  Sometimes I just want to cry.  Sometimes I want answers on why things happen.  Sometimes I want to go away and see if starting over gets any better.  So yes, there are times when I would like to give up.”

“Well that is just stupid and it makes me mad that you think your journey should be any easier than anyone else‘s.  Sometimes you have to think about the happy things in your life and put the sad things away.   God knows where he wants all of us and he puts us where we are supposed to be.”

Silence

I look at Grace, laying in her bed, and for the first time ever I see anger in her eyes.   I feel compiled to apologize to her for not being strong enough to accept the path I am on.  I didn’t intent to make her mad, I tell her.  But she did ask me to be truthful.  I tell her how much I admire her faith in God and her strength in accepting the ground he has laid in front of her.   I tell her that it amazes me that such a young person can hold so much more faith in God than someone my age.  She smiles at me.  I smile back.  And I lay next to my little angel and we hold hands, and there are no words spoken.   I feel her squeeze my hand with her tiny hand, remembering her words in a prior visit regarding how neither one of our hands will ever grow any bigger.   I squeeze her little hand back, and I hesitate to let go, because I don’t ever want to forget how that felt, to lay side by side, with an angel, for fear of never getting this moment again.

Our visit and interview comes to an end when the nurse arrives to administer another treatment.  I kiss Grace on the top of her head.   She tells me she will call me on Friday to make plans to come and visit me at my house on Saturday.  She touches my face.  “Jett, if I can shave my head, the least you can shave is your face.”  I give her a super huge major eye roll.  “Ok Gracie, I can do that.”  After all, she could of told me I had to play Barbie dolls with her again next week.

“Keep working on your journey Gracie”
“Quit fighting yours Jett”

I just walked away a little more wiser.  I’m getting used to that concept.  I will miss it when I no longer have it.