Ask anyone who lost a loved one to heaven and they will tell you how much they dread holiday's, birthday's, anniversary's and any other day other humans celebrate. Most people upon losing a loved one first reaction is "I have nothing to celebrate this year" , "I just want this day to be over" , and many other comments that express their grief and sadness. We all do it, we all go through it.
Then there are those around us that have lost someone we loved to heaven that try to ease our pain by saying "he/she would want you to be happy" , "he/she would want you to go on and not be sad" , "you should celebrate having him/her in your life". You all say it, we all hear it.
Going from nightly hour upon hour talks with Kim for over nine years to trying to squeeze every possible second I could get from her in her final year on earth was a heart wrenching time for me. I wanted to save my Pooh, I wanted to find a way to take away what her and I knew was the road leading her home to God. I could do nothing, nothing but pray that is. I started prayer chain after prayer chain with everyone I could reach out to. I spent many hours, literally, on my knees, praying that God would not take away another savior of my soul.
The last eight months of Kim's life, after already fighting her brain tumor for a year, we spent a lot of time talking about God, and church, and heaven. I will forever treasure those conversations, not because I wanted to have them but because our friendship was strong enough to take us there.
Religion was a topic that Kim and I talked about for years, since we got to know one another. While we never disagreed about each others beliefs in our faith, we took the opportunity to learn about each others faith. I always enjoyed how open our minds and hearts where to each others beliefs. The one thing that we absolutely agreed on was that you do not have to be in church, on your knees, to get to heaven. That was a huge fear of my brother Joey when he was dying from lung cancer. He was so afraid he was not going to get to go to heaven that he reached out to a friend of his friend to find comfort in the thought of possibly getting to go to heaven. At that time I had no idea God and heaven would one day play such a big role in my life and in my friendship with my Pooh.
Kim did not want to die but Kim was not afraid to die. Her faith in God and the promise of eternal life was strong and she knew she was going to heaven. There was not a doubt in her mind, even though she would tell me she was not perfect and the mistakes she made in life were big. I loved that about Kim, that she remained strong in her faith and did not fear the unknown. What Kim was afraid of was leaving her Honey Pot, Cory and her dudie, Alex behind. Her heart was heavy with the pain of leaving them behind to a life without her physically in it. Kim was worried about her parents, her siblings, her nieces and nephews. She was upset because she knew they were going to be upset and hurt. She knew the pain of losing someone close with her nephew Matt and she wished no one left behind would have to feel that kind of pain in their heart when she was gone. That is what she feared about her own death, how it would hurt others when she found peace once she let go.
It was hard for Kim as she found peace for herself but worried about the peace and happiness of those she loved. We talked about how hard it was for those left to mourn and grieve and also how hard it was to have the peace in resting in heaven that we believed in. We talked about who would miss her the most at what points in their lives. I remember the conversation when she told me how much she would miss her sister-by-law Nicole. She wanted to leave knowing that as the holidays approached Nicole would stay strong and remember all the things that bonded them as sisters and friends. One by one Kim would talk to me about how this was going to effect everyone she loved. She knew her friend Jewels would cry for days and worried she would never find another friend to bond with like she did with Kim. She worried about her dad, Walt, they were friends and she was his little girl.
Just like she lived, in death, Kim was going to put others first. Their feelings, their health, their well being. "How will I fix everyone from heaven?" she would say. I told her that she would still be able to help us all. That as we worked through the grief of losing her our faith in God would build. That as we continued to ask God why, why Kim? she would know we are still believing in God. That as we blogged, talked about her, bragged about her accomplishments, called Cory to check on him, kept in contact with Alex to make sure she was studying as much as she was partying and prayed for her peace in heaven, we would keep her memory alive in the souls and hearts and minds of those that miss her the most, which is basically everyone she "fixed" when she was with us in the physical world. Yes Pooh, we still need you and you still get us "fixed" when we need you the most.
This holiday season is the first without our friend Kim and as difficult as it will be for many us in many different ways, we will be OK. Our heavenly Angel Kim remains in our hearts as we move forward in our journeys. The journey that will take us to her again someday when we take our final breath of life and go beyond earth to the promise of eternity in heaven. Thanksgiving is upon us this week and we need to work through our anger, frustration, sadness and remember how thankful we are that we got to cross paths which such a lovely child of God. Enjoy your friends and families that are still physically with us, remember the friends and family that remain with us in spirit. As you sit around the table with the fruits of life that God has provided you with, thank Him. Thank Him for allowing us to be part of His plan for Kim. Have faith that "it is what it is, because that's how it's supposed to be". Push aside your grief for a few moments of peace as you remember all you have to be thankful for.
Pooh, I miss you like crazy. I love you even more today than the day we first found each other. I see you everywhere. I hear you everywhere. There are reminders of our time together every day as I walk my journey. Thank you for being such a huge part of my life. Thank you for all the times you "fixed" me so I can live another day in my struggle. Thank you for sharing so much of you with me and my misfit life. Although I still struggle with God taking you from me, I also am thankful that God gave me you at all. - Piglett
