To the most beautiful mother in heaven,
I hope I am making you proud as I work my way on my earth's journey to join you and my siblings in heaven some day. I had a dream about you last night that left me with a heavy heartache today, missing you more then ever. In my dream I was taken back to the day we had to let you go. It is a day that haunts my mind often and a day I always wonder if I should wish I could go back to. It is hard not knowing if we made the right decision to take you off the machines and let you decide if you were strong enough to live, or if you were ready to let go.
It brings back the entire grieving process I began on that day and I continue to mourn your death as life takes new turns today. I do not ever remember being so angry at anyone in my life thus far as I was with you when we found out you decided you were ready to go home to God. I always thought how odd it was that my anger was not directed towards God but I directed it towards you. It was one of the most selfish acts I can remember having in my life. I hope you now realize that it was not anger I was directing towards you, it was fear. Fear of traveling through life on earth without the person who always accepted me for who I was, and being proud of me no matter what I did. Fear of no one else being able to accept me completely with flaws and all. Fear of one more person leaving me on a path in life that never seems safe, never seems secure. It left me wondering when the next person impacting my life in such a positive way would leave next, and who would that be. I still hold that fear today.
We were best friends after Jacelyn died. I know what a reach it was for you to give me the things you could. I know how hard you tried to compensate me for the ugliness my 'dad" brought into my life. The hours we spent together before he came home from work were filled with love and fun. I hope I did a great job then of expressing to you how much I appreciated all you gave me. From the ages of 7 to 14 you provided enough of the things I needed in life that helped me become who I am today.
I never blamed you for the icky's he provided to us in our life together. I always felt you tried the best you could to make the days as bright as you could, knowing the darkness of night would cast shadows on me that would never go away as the sun set for the rest of the days of my life. Until the day you left your journey on earth and I knew I would be once again mourning the loss of a family member who was also my friend. I remember thinking that you probably were just taking the easy way out of life. That if you let yourself go I would be so preoccupied with missing you I would be less frustrated with you for the life you lived and the life you were living. I do hope you can see in my heart from heaven how much I would love having you back in my life the way it used to be, even if it meant reliving the life we did in the Bushnell home. I miss you that much Mom.
I never resented having to help you make decisions in your life when you could no longer think on your own. It hurt me to watch your mind give way to how you thought and how you acted. It was hard to watch you not be able to make the simple decisions as to what to order when we went out to eat, or what to wear one day from the next. It was frustrating to me that you could help Jordy and I be so organized and clean, yet you could not think with your own mind enough to even remember to feed yourself. But I never resented helping you take care of yourself. I knew the alternative was a much worse scenario then what we had.
You were a great Mom and you did a great job of making sure the things we needed in life were met to the best of your abilities. I never judged you for the mistakes he made or the things he did to us. I always knew it was ten times worse for you then it was for us. I never questioned how you could let me leave your life when I was 14 and as hard as it was for me to move 24 hours away I always knew you did it so I would survive the abuse inflicted on me and have a better chance of a long journey on earth. I know my dreams can now come true because you let me go. I am still working on the day I realize my dreams will come true, even though I let you go.
I will never let go of you Mom, but someday maybe I can let go guilt I hold of the day we had to decided to let you go from earth. I know you are in heaven looking down on us, me, Jordy, Mikey, Jake, and the misfit family we put together. I know lots of things, but the one thing I really wish I could 'feel' from you is that you know I love you, and I miss you, and I am sorry for the times I made life difficult for you.
We didn't have many of the things we wanted in our Bushnell life, and we probably can admit at this stage in our lives that we often went without the needs as well. But we always had your love Mom, and we will always have the memories of the fun times we embraced around the life that we had. If I ever failed to let you know how much I appreciate all you did, and all you went through, to make our lives better I sure hope you can reach inside the widow of my heart and find how it now.
If the only way I can visit you is in my dreams through the pain of the memories of the day we decided to let you go and see if you stayed or left I will take that. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. It's as if a part of me dies each time I think about the day your beautiful spirit left earth.
I hope you are proud of me Mom and I hope I am living the life of someone who once his journey ends on earth, gets to spend it in eternity next to you.
Hugs and Love, from my heart to yours,
Jett
I hope I am making you proud as I work my way on my earth's journey to join you and my siblings in heaven some day. I had a dream about you last night that left me with a heavy heartache today, missing you more then ever. In my dream I was taken back to the day we had to let you go. It is a day that haunts my mind often and a day I always wonder if I should wish I could go back to. It is hard not knowing if we made the right decision to take you off the machines and let you decide if you were strong enough to live, or if you were ready to let go.
It brings back the entire grieving process I began on that day and I continue to mourn your death as life takes new turns today. I do not ever remember being so angry at anyone in my life thus far as I was with you when we found out you decided you were ready to go home to God. I always thought how odd it was that my anger was not directed towards God but I directed it towards you. It was one of the most selfish acts I can remember having in my life. I hope you now realize that it was not anger I was directing towards you, it was fear. Fear of traveling through life on earth without the person who always accepted me for who I was, and being proud of me no matter what I did. Fear of no one else being able to accept me completely with flaws and all. Fear of one more person leaving me on a path in life that never seems safe, never seems secure. It left me wondering when the next person impacting my life in such a positive way would leave next, and who would that be. I still hold that fear today.
We were best friends after Jacelyn died. I know what a reach it was for you to give me the things you could. I know how hard you tried to compensate me for the ugliness my 'dad" brought into my life. The hours we spent together before he came home from work were filled with love and fun. I hope I did a great job then of expressing to you how much I appreciated all you gave me. From the ages of 7 to 14 you provided enough of the things I needed in life that helped me become who I am today.
I never blamed you for the icky's he provided to us in our life together. I always felt you tried the best you could to make the days as bright as you could, knowing the darkness of night would cast shadows on me that would never go away as the sun set for the rest of the days of my life. Until the day you left your journey on earth and I knew I would be once again mourning the loss of a family member who was also my friend. I remember thinking that you probably were just taking the easy way out of life. That if you let yourself go I would be so preoccupied with missing you I would be less frustrated with you for the life you lived and the life you were living. I do hope you can see in my heart from heaven how much I would love having you back in my life the way it used to be, even if it meant reliving the life we did in the Bushnell home. I miss you that much Mom.
I never resented having to help you make decisions in your life when you could no longer think on your own. It hurt me to watch your mind give way to how you thought and how you acted. It was hard to watch you not be able to make the simple decisions as to what to order when we went out to eat, or what to wear one day from the next. It was frustrating to me that you could help Jordy and I be so organized and clean, yet you could not think with your own mind enough to even remember to feed yourself. But I never resented helping you take care of yourself. I knew the alternative was a much worse scenario then what we had.
You were a great Mom and you did a great job of making sure the things we needed in life were met to the best of your abilities. I never judged you for the mistakes he made or the things he did to us. I always knew it was ten times worse for you then it was for us. I never questioned how you could let me leave your life when I was 14 and as hard as it was for me to move 24 hours away I always knew you did it so I would survive the abuse inflicted on me and have a better chance of a long journey on earth. I know my dreams can now come true because you let me go. I am still working on the day I realize my dreams will come true, even though I let you go.
I will never let go of you Mom, but someday maybe I can let go guilt I hold of the day we had to decided to let you go from earth. I know you are in heaven looking down on us, me, Jordy, Mikey, Jake, and the misfit family we put together. I know lots of things, but the one thing I really wish I could 'feel' from you is that you know I love you, and I miss you, and I am sorry for the times I made life difficult for you.
We didn't have many of the things we wanted in our Bushnell life, and we probably can admit at this stage in our lives that we often went without the needs as well. But we always had your love Mom, and we will always have the memories of the fun times we embraced around the life that we had. If I ever failed to let you know how much I appreciate all you did, and all you went through, to make our lives better I sure hope you can reach inside the widow of my heart and find how it now.
If the only way I can visit you is in my dreams through the pain of the memories of the day we decided to let you go and see if you stayed or left I will take that. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. It's as if a part of me dies each time I think about the day your beautiful spirit left earth.
I hope you are proud of me Mom and I hope I am living the life of someone who once his journey ends on earth, gets to spend it in eternity next to you.
Hugs and Love, from my heart to yours,
Jett
