Last week when I visited Grace I walked away with something on my mind that was hard to shake. I actually delayed blogging about my visit as I was having trouble overcoming this precious little girls words. She had made the statement that her little hand which was nestled in my adult hand, would never get any bigger. Those words she had spoken roamed around in my mind for a few days before I could grasp what she was trying to say.
I've visited Grace four times in the past five weeks, and every visit it was like she was preparing me for the day she would pass beyond earth and enter the kingdom we all hope to be part of some day. Each visit this tougher than a biker gang, tiny creature of God, displayed this incredible amount of courage with the battle she faces each day. Yet, she was telling me in her actions and her words that it was important to her that I also faced this battle she is in with the same amount courage and understanding she was willing to. It is important to Grace, that when she moves on from us, I am alright with being left behind.
Today is no different than any visit I've had with Grace prior to this one. While I wait for her to be ready for our visit, I visited with her mother. Her mother is tough, but I can see in her eyes, what she can see in mine. The pain she has inside, while smiling on the outside, remaining strong with each day she has left to embrace her daughter. The hurt in her heart that will remain behind inside her once her daughter leaves for that final journey in her little life. The anger behind the pain and hurt that burns her soul for the day she will yearn for another hug from this beautiful little girl that will be beyond a touch in a matter of weeks. I can only smile and offer a friendship that will outlast my friendship with her daughter. I can only give her a tight hug that will spread the warmth of my understanding of her feelings.
Today I can hear Grace tell her nurse she is ready for her friend to come in to visit. Her voice sounds strong, and she seems excited. I smile, remembering from the end of our last visit, that today, I am playing barbies. I walked into the room Grace was in, carrying a bag with me that contained a gift for Grace. It was against the rules we set for each other from the very first time I met her. I would not smother her with kinds words and gifts because she was sick. I was to visit her and share her story. Not the story of her disease, but the story of her life. I couldn't help it, I had an agenda for my little friend, and it was 'in the bag'.
When Grace saw me, I noticed she had a smirk on her face. She was sitting up on the bed she occupied, covers pulled up close to her body, her arms under her covers. I walked over to her, noticing she was about to burst with some sort of excitement. She could hardly contain herself. The closer I got, the more she squirmed. Then she hit me with that little girl squeal as she threw up her arms, a barbie in each hand. "Jett, I would like you to meet Linda and Jenny!" I don't think I've ever before, at one time, wanted to both run for the door AND stay and meet my obligation to play barbies. So barbies it was. I honestly did not realize how much goes into girls and their fantasy barbie lives. It was extremely exhausting. It was probably the longest 20 minutes of life. It was probably the funniest 20 minutes of hers.
"What is in the pretty bag?" she asked me. I told her it was for a little later, but first I wanted to ask her a few questions for our interview. "Oh, yes, the interview" she said as she rolled her eyes, "What do you want to know today?"
My first question had been on my mind for a couple of weeks. "What do you miss most about your life that other kids your age have that you do not due to the amount of time you spend here, with all your medical stuff?" She responded quickly "I miss going to school everyday and learning new things. My Aunt Suzanne home schools me but mostly we have fun. I think its because Aunt Suzanne and my mommy just want the time I still have left to be fun, but I miss being with my friends."
The second question was a little tougher for her to answer. "Do you feel like you are eight Grace? Because you have more knowledge about life than most kids my age do." She laid back in the bed and looked up at the ceiling. She was thinking and I could almost hear the gears in her head working. "I don't get to be here very long so I think God puts things in my brain so when I get to heaven I am not so far behind the big people there. I do not feel like I am young. Or old. I just feel like I do not belong here and I am excited to see if I feel like I belong with God."
"Jett? What is in the bag?"
I handed the bag to Grace and let her pull out the little girl wedding veil I purchased for her. She lit up like an Independence Day fire show. Her eyes were huge and bright. I took the veil from her tiny hands and put it on her head. "Tell me a story Jett, that goes with my gift." I told her a story that took her from the steps of a church, up the aisle to her waiting prince. I told her a story about an eternal life with the boy waiting for her when she reached the alter. I told her of a life where she would live happily ever after with people that live in heaven, and people that live on earth, that love her very much. "It's God isn't it Jett, that is waiting for me to walk to him and live happy ever after in his life? "Yes Grace, you are the princess and He is the prince."
Today Grace did not ask me to leave. I had to tell her I had to go. "I have an appointment to be at very soon Grace, but if you would like me to stay, I can make those arrangements." She smiled, "No, you go. We had a nice visit. When you write my story, DO NOT leave out how we played barbies." I told her I would try hard to fit that into my story but there was just so much to be said I wasn't sure if I could fit that in. After all, what will my friends say about my 20 minutes of barbie play?'
I hugged my little angel, we pinky swore. She thanked me for the veil and said she was going to wear it every day because it made her feel pretty. One last hug and I was headed out the door. "Jett?" she called out. "Yes Grace?" "Next week you can teach me how to dance, so I can dance with God."
"You bet Grace, rest up because I can dance my socks off."
"Goodbye Jett. See you next week."
"Goodbye Amazing Grace. Nice to meet you Linda and Jenny."
I've visited Grace four times in the past five weeks, and every visit it was like she was preparing me for the day she would pass beyond earth and enter the kingdom we all hope to be part of some day. Each visit this tougher than a biker gang, tiny creature of God, displayed this incredible amount of courage with the battle she faces each day. Yet, she was telling me in her actions and her words that it was important to her that I also faced this battle she is in with the same amount courage and understanding she was willing to. It is important to Grace, that when she moves on from us, I am alright with being left behind.
Today is no different than any visit I've had with Grace prior to this one. While I wait for her to be ready for our visit, I visited with her mother. Her mother is tough, but I can see in her eyes, what she can see in mine. The pain she has inside, while smiling on the outside, remaining strong with each day she has left to embrace her daughter. The hurt in her heart that will remain behind inside her once her daughter leaves for that final journey in her little life. The anger behind the pain and hurt that burns her soul for the day she will yearn for another hug from this beautiful little girl that will be beyond a touch in a matter of weeks. I can only smile and offer a friendship that will outlast my friendship with her daughter. I can only give her a tight hug that will spread the warmth of my understanding of her feelings.
Today I can hear Grace tell her nurse she is ready for her friend to come in to visit. Her voice sounds strong, and she seems excited. I smile, remembering from the end of our last visit, that today, I am playing barbies. I walked into the room Grace was in, carrying a bag with me that contained a gift for Grace. It was against the rules we set for each other from the very first time I met her. I would not smother her with kinds words and gifts because she was sick. I was to visit her and share her story. Not the story of her disease, but the story of her life. I couldn't help it, I had an agenda for my little friend, and it was 'in the bag'.
When Grace saw me, I noticed she had a smirk on her face. She was sitting up on the bed she occupied, covers pulled up close to her body, her arms under her covers. I walked over to her, noticing she was about to burst with some sort of excitement. She could hardly contain herself. The closer I got, the more she squirmed. Then she hit me with that little girl squeal as she threw up her arms, a barbie in each hand. "Jett, I would like you to meet Linda and Jenny!" I don't think I've ever before, at one time, wanted to both run for the door AND stay and meet my obligation to play barbies. So barbies it was. I honestly did not realize how much goes into girls and their fantasy barbie lives. It was extremely exhausting. It was probably the longest 20 minutes of life. It was probably the funniest 20 minutes of hers.
"What is in the pretty bag?" she asked me. I told her it was for a little later, but first I wanted to ask her a few questions for our interview. "Oh, yes, the interview" she said as she rolled her eyes, "What do you want to know today?"
My first question had been on my mind for a couple of weeks. "What do you miss most about your life that other kids your age have that you do not due to the amount of time you spend here, with all your medical stuff?" She responded quickly "I miss going to school everyday and learning new things. My Aunt Suzanne home schools me but mostly we have fun. I think its because Aunt Suzanne and my mommy just want the time I still have left to be fun, but I miss being with my friends."
The second question was a little tougher for her to answer. "Do you feel like you are eight Grace? Because you have more knowledge about life than most kids my age do." She laid back in the bed and looked up at the ceiling. She was thinking and I could almost hear the gears in her head working. "I don't get to be here very long so I think God puts things in my brain so when I get to heaven I am not so far behind the big people there. I do not feel like I am young. Or old. I just feel like I do not belong here and I am excited to see if I feel like I belong with God."
"Jett? What is in the bag?"
I handed the bag to Grace and let her pull out the little girl wedding veil I purchased for her. She lit up like an Independence Day fire show. Her eyes were huge and bright. I took the veil from her tiny hands and put it on her head. "Tell me a story Jett, that goes with my gift." I told her a story that took her from the steps of a church, up the aisle to her waiting prince. I told her a story about an eternal life with the boy waiting for her when she reached the alter. I told her of a life where she would live happily ever after with people that live in heaven, and people that live on earth, that love her very much. "It's God isn't it Jett, that is waiting for me to walk to him and live happy ever after in his life? "Yes Grace, you are the princess and He is the prince."
Today Grace did not ask me to leave. I had to tell her I had to go. "I have an appointment to be at very soon Grace, but if you would like me to stay, I can make those arrangements." She smiled, "No, you go. We had a nice visit. When you write my story, DO NOT leave out how we played barbies." I told her I would try hard to fit that into my story but there was just so much to be said I wasn't sure if I could fit that in. After all, what will my friends say about my 20 minutes of barbie play?'
I hugged my little angel, we pinky swore. She thanked me for the veil and said she was going to wear it every day because it made her feel pretty. One last hug and I was headed out the door. "Jett?" she called out. "Yes Grace?" "Next week you can teach me how to dance, so I can dance with God."
"You bet Grace, rest up because I can dance my socks off."
"Goodbye Jett. See you next week."
"Goodbye Amazing Grace. Nice to meet you Linda and Jenny."
