Death will hit most of our lives in many ways before we ourselves are the ones that leave the comforts of earth for the comforts of heaven. I myself have witnessed it in many forms in the past five years with the latest occurring just last week.
My first experience with death was when I was almost six. My family was in Omaha, NE for the Fourth of July weekend at my Uncle Steve's house. It was Friday, July 3, 1998 and I do not remember anything more about that day other then my little sister getting hit and killed. It has all become a distant memory for me and I remember very little about Jacelyn. I wish my sister did not die and I often wonder where she would be in life today had she not gotten backed over on the bicycle she was riding by a car pulling out of the driveway. She would have been three on July 7th of that year. Instead of celebrating her third birthday, we let go of her life on earth with us and never spoke of Jacelyn again. It would be years later before I would revisit that July 3rd and 'get to know' my little sister, who would never be more then part of my past.
My second experience with death would occur two and a half years later, when I was four months past the age of eight. My oldest brother Jayson had just turned 24 and was on his way home from college near Des Moines, IA when he was hit head on by a drunk driver. They said he probably died instantly and more then likely felt very little, if any, pain, with no suffering. That tragic event happened on December 15, 2000, again on a Friday. Instead of celebrating Christmas with him that year, we let go of his life on earth with us and never spoke of Jayson again. I am currently in search of the friends he had in college, to try to learn more about who he was. I was four when Jayson left home for the college life, and saw him maybe a total of 45 days a year when he would find his way home to Bushnell. He was my brother, and I love him, but the years separating us in age did not allow us to bond as brothers often do.
My third experience with death would be the one that hit me the hardest yet. My brother Joey died at the age of 24 of lung cancer. I was 14 the year he died. Unlike my other two siblings who died in tragic, sudden ways, I watched Joey slowly lose his battle with cancer, and sometime with-in a span of a year or so I would be next to him as his last breath of life was lost. That last breath he took on earth was on Wednesday, Feb 7, 2007 and it is etched in my mind and on my heart. I can relive that day as if it happened just moments ago. Joey was my hero, my big protective brother, who told me several times before he was diagnosed with cancer that he would never let any harm come to me again. I trusted him, and I believed in him, and I looked up to him in so many ways that I wanted to be just like him.
Joey's death was my first 'real death' experience. It was the death that would define how people spoke to me about dying. It was the death I could not just let go of a life and never speak of again. It was the death that for five plus long years I would think about every day. It was the death that would define my belief in God. It was the death that would jump start the spiritual side of me. It was also the death I would try and hold myself accountable for. Maybe when I revealed my secrets to him and asked him to help me with them, it was too much. Maybe I had tested the faith of God by trying to seek resolution to my problems through someone other than Him. I didn't know what I did that Joey died, but I was sure I was responsible.
There have been many deaths in my life since I moved to Boston, MA. My mom, Old Widow G, Old Joe and his wife Mary, our friend Dr. Pat's husband, my little angel friend Gracie, and several others. There was even our little dog Joey that died. The most recent was someone I had just met three weeks ago and although I did not know her very well I miss her warm smiles at work. Then there are my friends who have had losses that effected me in others ways. My great great friend Kim's nephew Matt, who I did not know but I talk with her about often. And my Aunt OJ's aunt that passed away a bit over a year ago that I never met but I know it effected her deeply. My friend Cory who's best friend passed away. Several of my friends have lost a parent, or a sibling, or a child, in one fashion or another.
Death effects each of us in different ways but the one thing we all have tugging at our hearts is what we could have done to have a different outcome other than losing someone we love. Others tell us to 'move on', or 'let go', or even 'its part of life' in an effort to comfort our aching hearts. I have heard it all, trust me. But exactly what do you tell someone to comfort them when you know they are hurting? There are no words, there are no actions, that will make death any easier for us. We feel violated, we feel betrayed, we feel helpless and hopeless. "Time will heal all wounds", "it just takes time", "in time the pain will lessen'. I call bull. I have been there. The pain today for my brother Joey being gone is as strong as it was the day he died. I do not expect it to go away ever.
What has helped me through all the deaths I have witnessed in my short life is faith in God. It is not what can I do to turn back the hands of time and avoid the pain and heartaches of untimely deaths, it is what can I do to continue to honor the lives of those whose were cut short. Whether it was due to illness, tragedy at the hands of others, or self inflicted by someone who could find no peace here on earth, each life while it walked the face of earth served a purpose under the watchful eye of God. Everyone leaves behind some sort of legacy that should teach us how to conduct ourselves in a deeper faith in what we all will someday face.
I was told at one point to "never look back, keep moving forward". I tell you this my friends, I will always look back at what was. I will never forget those who helped define my idea of death and how it teaches me to appreciate those still here, and develop myself to be better so when I get to heaven I can reunite with all those who left before me. I will continue to learn more about life as the people in my life die. My friend Keri who lives in Omaha, NE lost her mother over a year ago. Today would have been her mothers birthday and Keri has found the strength to celebrate this day as if her mom never left. I am positive there were tears of sorrow, but also tears of happiness for the memories she holds onto of her mom. Her strength in continuing to honor the life her mom lived is inspiring. Keri often says "if you have not experienced the loss of a loved one, you just don't understand the pain those of us that have, feel in our hearts". Solid and legit words that echo in my mind often.
Life moves forward, but it would not if we did not experience the death of others. We do not determine who stays and who goes, if we did it would be a completely different population on earth. We should not question others, or ourselves, on how people die. We should never cast blame on others that cause the death of our loved ones. We should never judge those who chose to end their lives for whatever reason. We should hold onto the memories of better days and look for different ways to embrace death that takes others onto their journey to God. When we question what we could have done different we are really questioning God's plan for our future with him. Having faith in what death brings to our lives will not take away or even ease the pain of loved ones being gone. Having faith is accepting that they are gone, and that they are now in God's hands, and they are the watchful eyes God has placed on us so we can keep moving forward, caught between looking back at the memories we have of them, as well looking further ahead in anticipation of new memories to come.
To my friend Sue: Do not let the mixed feelings of anger and sadness cloud the good memories and legacy of Matt. Where he could not find happiness and peace within himself on earth, rest assured he is watching over you and your family, enjoying from above what he could not find in himself to enjoy on earth. Peace has found him and he is now in a place where he asked to be where things in his mind now make sense. His legacy lives in the two beautiful daughters he now guides through their days from Heaven. While his heart could not keep a steady beat on earth, it is beating strong from above. Hugs to you and your aching heart. Let go of the anger, put aside your blame, and slowly you will feel your heart filling back up with more love for Matt than you ever thought it could hold. When I miss Gracie and Joey, I lay back in the lounge chair on the deck and watch the clouds roll by, looking for their feet hanging over the edges. You are not alone, you are never alone. Wishing you peace of mind, Jett
My first experience with death was when I was almost six. My family was in Omaha, NE for the Fourth of July weekend at my Uncle Steve's house. It was Friday, July 3, 1998 and I do not remember anything more about that day other then my little sister getting hit and killed. It has all become a distant memory for me and I remember very little about Jacelyn. I wish my sister did not die and I often wonder where she would be in life today had she not gotten backed over on the bicycle she was riding by a car pulling out of the driveway. She would have been three on July 7th of that year. Instead of celebrating her third birthday, we let go of her life on earth with us and never spoke of Jacelyn again. It would be years later before I would revisit that July 3rd and 'get to know' my little sister, who would never be more then part of my past.
My second experience with death would occur two and a half years later, when I was four months past the age of eight. My oldest brother Jayson had just turned 24 and was on his way home from college near Des Moines, IA when he was hit head on by a drunk driver. They said he probably died instantly and more then likely felt very little, if any, pain, with no suffering. That tragic event happened on December 15, 2000, again on a Friday. Instead of celebrating Christmas with him that year, we let go of his life on earth with us and never spoke of Jayson again. I am currently in search of the friends he had in college, to try to learn more about who he was. I was four when Jayson left home for the college life, and saw him maybe a total of 45 days a year when he would find his way home to Bushnell. He was my brother, and I love him, but the years separating us in age did not allow us to bond as brothers often do.
My third experience with death would be the one that hit me the hardest yet. My brother Joey died at the age of 24 of lung cancer. I was 14 the year he died. Unlike my other two siblings who died in tragic, sudden ways, I watched Joey slowly lose his battle with cancer, and sometime with-in a span of a year or so I would be next to him as his last breath of life was lost. That last breath he took on earth was on Wednesday, Feb 7, 2007 and it is etched in my mind and on my heart. I can relive that day as if it happened just moments ago. Joey was my hero, my big protective brother, who told me several times before he was diagnosed with cancer that he would never let any harm come to me again. I trusted him, and I believed in him, and I looked up to him in so many ways that I wanted to be just like him.
Joey's death was my first 'real death' experience. It was the death that would define how people spoke to me about dying. It was the death I could not just let go of a life and never speak of again. It was the death that for five plus long years I would think about every day. It was the death that would define my belief in God. It was the death that would jump start the spiritual side of me. It was also the death I would try and hold myself accountable for. Maybe when I revealed my secrets to him and asked him to help me with them, it was too much. Maybe I had tested the faith of God by trying to seek resolution to my problems through someone other than Him. I didn't know what I did that Joey died, but I was sure I was responsible.
There have been many deaths in my life since I moved to Boston, MA. My mom, Old Widow G, Old Joe and his wife Mary, our friend Dr. Pat's husband, my little angel friend Gracie, and several others. There was even our little dog Joey that died. The most recent was someone I had just met three weeks ago and although I did not know her very well I miss her warm smiles at work. Then there are my friends who have had losses that effected me in others ways. My great great friend Kim's nephew Matt, who I did not know but I talk with her about often. And my Aunt OJ's aunt that passed away a bit over a year ago that I never met but I know it effected her deeply. My friend Cory who's best friend passed away. Several of my friends have lost a parent, or a sibling, or a child, in one fashion or another.
Death effects each of us in different ways but the one thing we all have tugging at our hearts is what we could have done to have a different outcome other than losing someone we love. Others tell us to 'move on', or 'let go', or even 'its part of life' in an effort to comfort our aching hearts. I have heard it all, trust me. But exactly what do you tell someone to comfort them when you know they are hurting? There are no words, there are no actions, that will make death any easier for us. We feel violated, we feel betrayed, we feel helpless and hopeless. "Time will heal all wounds", "it just takes time", "in time the pain will lessen'. I call bull. I have been there. The pain today for my brother Joey being gone is as strong as it was the day he died. I do not expect it to go away ever.
What has helped me through all the deaths I have witnessed in my short life is faith in God. It is not what can I do to turn back the hands of time and avoid the pain and heartaches of untimely deaths, it is what can I do to continue to honor the lives of those whose were cut short. Whether it was due to illness, tragedy at the hands of others, or self inflicted by someone who could find no peace here on earth, each life while it walked the face of earth served a purpose under the watchful eye of God. Everyone leaves behind some sort of legacy that should teach us how to conduct ourselves in a deeper faith in what we all will someday face.
I was told at one point to "never look back, keep moving forward". I tell you this my friends, I will always look back at what was. I will never forget those who helped define my idea of death and how it teaches me to appreciate those still here, and develop myself to be better so when I get to heaven I can reunite with all those who left before me. I will continue to learn more about life as the people in my life die. My friend Keri who lives in Omaha, NE lost her mother over a year ago. Today would have been her mothers birthday and Keri has found the strength to celebrate this day as if her mom never left. I am positive there were tears of sorrow, but also tears of happiness for the memories she holds onto of her mom. Her strength in continuing to honor the life her mom lived is inspiring. Keri often says "if you have not experienced the loss of a loved one, you just don't understand the pain those of us that have, feel in our hearts". Solid and legit words that echo in my mind often.
Life moves forward, but it would not if we did not experience the death of others. We do not determine who stays and who goes, if we did it would be a completely different population on earth. We should not question others, or ourselves, on how people die. We should never cast blame on others that cause the death of our loved ones. We should never judge those who chose to end their lives for whatever reason. We should hold onto the memories of better days and look for different ways to embrace death that takes others onto their journey to God. When we question what we could have done different we are really questioning God's plan for our future with him. Having faith in what death brings to our lives will not take away or even ease the pain of loved ones being gone. Having faith is accepting that they are gone, and that they are now in God's hands, and they are the watchful eyes God has placed on us so we can keep moving forward, caught between looking back at the memories we have of them, as well looking further ahead in anticipation of new memories to come.
To my friend Sue: Do not let the mixed feelings of anger and sadness cloud the good memories and legacy of Matt. Where he could not find happiness and peace within himself on earth, rest assured he is watching over you and your family, enjoying from above what he could not find in himself to enjoy on earth. Peace has found him and he is now in a place where he asked to be where things in his mind now make sense. His legacy lives in the two beautiful daughters he now guides through their days from Heaven. While his heart could not keep a steady beat on earth, it is beating strong from above. Hugs to you and your aching heart. Let go of the anger, put aside your blame, and slowly you will feel your heart filling back up with more love for Matt than you ever thought it could hold. When I miss Gracie and Joey, I lay back in the lounge chair on the deck and watch the clouds roll by, looking for their feet hanging over the edges. You are not alone, you are never alone. Wishing you peace of mind, Jett
