There is no fear greater in my life then the fear of becoming someone I do not want to become. My 'dad' was an evil man in my eyes, and while I know there is no one close to the perfection of being a human being as we all should be, I cannot even begin to accept the faults of evilness planted deep inside his soul. My fear is that the genes we share will be the ones that turn me into the monster he was. I fight those feelings every night when I lay down and recap who I was today, was I the best possible human being to everyone that I could be.
One of the hardest things for me to understand is how so many dark secrets existed in the Bushnell home I grew up in in Sioux City, IA. Secrets that are still being discovered six years after I made my exit from that house and moved 1500 miles away to Boston, MA. A 24 hour distance when driven by car if you were driving straight through. Perhaps that is why in my mind I am always only a day away from forgetting and forgiving a past I cannot seem to leave behind me.
I am not referring to the secrets kept from others by my family, or the secrets kept between us as family members. I am referring to the secrets we kept from each other. Those were probably the most damaging secrets of all. Had that first secret been revealed years ago, the thousands that followed would not exist today. Secrets that COULD tear a family apart. Secrets that SHOULD tear a family apart. Secrets that WOULD tear a family apart. Turns out keeping secrets that did not tear our family apart, ended up tearing us apart anyway.
Little secrets are like white lies. No such thing. A secret is a secret and a lie is a lie, there is no getting around that. It's like when you are told something and promise not to tell anyone, but you know you are going to tell your best friend. It seems as though secrets and lies make the world turn and many times I wonder if secrets and lies are better left alone. You know that old saying "leave well enough alone"? Why is that so hard to do? What is that itch we cannot reach when we do not understand the why of what happened and set out on a search for the answer? Then there's the old saying "be careful what you ask for", clearly meant because what you go searching for you more then likely will wish you left well enough alone.
In order for me to better understand who I do not want to become I need to learn more about the person who resembles to me that person I am so in fear of being. That would be my 'dad', and I use that term under protest and despise. There are lots of words I could use to describe him that would be more accurate then dad, or father, but if I did I would disappoint many of my older friends and BFF (Blog Following Friends). I feel calling him dad is an insult to all the fathers out there who are hero's to their sons and prince's to their daughters. And an even bigger insult to those like Jake, who I refer to as my dad, because even though he has never fathered a son, he has taken me on in the absence of any other male figure in my life who could embrace me and raise me the way Jake has.
It's ironic in a way, that when my 'dad' was convicted of crimes against innocent people and sent to prison for the rest of his life I felt I had also been locked away, in a world too big for the scared little kid that never left from inside of me . I also find it ironic that when my mom (R.I.P. Mom I love and miss you more than ever) died some of my dreams died with her. It's like when my mom died a part of me died as well, and when my dad was incarcerated for life, I was somewhat imprisoned too. I no longer dream of the day I marry and have children for my mom to spoil under her new title in life as grandma. I never knew either set of my grandparents and I dreamed of the day I could watch my mom become a grandmother to my own children.
With the help of my brother Jordy I am looking back at our family tree and the history upon which its roots were planted. The unfortunate part about doing research on your family history is you start with the most recent family members that have come along and work your way back. Easier said then done when three of your four siblings and your mom are deceased. I have my mom's two sisters to rely on for the maternal side and I have my 'dads' sister and two brothers to rely on for the paternal side. Many letters have been sent and many phone calls have been made in an effort to find out more about the secrets that existed even before the Bushnell secrets started to surface.
I recently received a letter from my great uncle in eastern Iowa, who was an uncle to my 'dad' and his siblings. He was a brother to my 'dads' dad and I cannot thank him enough for responding to my letter to him regarding our family history. I was just as surprised to find out from him that he did not know I existed as he was to find out that I did. His letter was brief but it did include something that gets me closer to explaining who my 'dad' was. My 'dad' was distanced from his family when he was 16 which was by his own choice. What little contact he had with his siblings once he left home was very meager until they all established family units of their own. That distance would once again separate them when my baby sister died at the age of 3 when I was almost 7. What my great Uncle had to offer me was how my 'dads' dad (my paternal grandfather) was also distanced from his family when he was in his early teens. That was his choice also. The interesting part about this new found information is that my brother Jordy distanced himself from our family when he was just 14. That is also the age that I was forced to be distanced from my mom and 'dad' when I was beat out of their life.
Could this be an avenue for me that might possibly help me let go of a past that haunts me? Is there hope in his letter that I may find comfort in knowing I am my own man and I do not need to worry about who I will become based on who I came from? Could this be the start of a healing process, not to forgive my 'dad' for seven evil years of my life, but to let go of the thought of a life long fight to ensure I never become who he is?
It does not disturb me in the least that I continue to work on who I am and what I have to offer while on earth's journey. I understand that is something we all do, or should be doing. Evaluate ourselves and take a good look at who we are inside and out, process that into how we can be better, to ourselves as well as to everyone else. What I do struggle with is how much time I put into who I am not, which is my 'dad'. It disturbs me to look into a mirror and see that reflection looking back at me, knowing as the years roll by I resemble him more and more. In my heart I know I am nothing like him outside of the way we look. It is my mind that I cannot convince I am not the monster he is and I am not even capable of doing the things to others that he had done to us. It is not my heart I cannot convince I am better than that, it is my mind that tells me it is possible because the genes we share are so close to each other.
I fear this is a fight I will be fighting the rest of my life. What the heart can let go of the mind never does. The endless countless nightmares never leave for more then a few days before they whip back into my life. It would be a lot easier if there were no mirrors and no night falls in my journey to heaven. I will keep researching my family tree, in hopes to find not just answers to questions better left unasked, but family I have yet to meet. I have built myself a pretty good misfit family that I would not trade in for the world. I will always believe that even thought blood may be thicker than water, water is what quenches your thirst. I will continue this journey, searching for family I never knew existed, and family that never knew I existed with dreams of one day finding a break in the cycle that seems to be established in the gene line of the Paulings from Eastern Iowa. I do not want to forget my past, there were many great things that came out of it. Forgetting the past would be like never having one, and never learning the true definition of family and feeling what it is like to be loved unconditionally. With out the past I had, I would not be facing the future I face and be living the life I presently am living. I am unwilling to give up on my current dreams and future goals just to put the past behind me. Instead, I choose to discover more about how that past came about and try to find a reasonable explanation that allows me to let myself off the hook on what I could have done differently, if anything. Something that tells me I was not at fault, that I did nothing wrong, that I was a victim. WAS a victim, because someday I hope to be able to let it go, and never play the victim card again.
When I look in the mirror and that haunted gene pool stares back at me I will look beyond that reflection and see those that have always been there for me. Those that never left, those that never will. Those that believe in the goodness inside of me and bring out the best of who I am.
If only I had as much faith in myself as I have in God, or as much faith in myself as God has in me, or as much faith in myself as others have in me, perhaps then I could forget the past, forgive the sins, and realize they belong to him, not to me. The Bible helps me build my faith in God and eternal life but there is no book I could read, or write, that can help me build my faith in myself. That has to come from inside of me, and I would venture to say that a few of you know that after years of burying life's 'ickies" deep, bringing them to the surface is the only way to heal. But that does not come without more heartaches, finding out more lies, and reliving what you didn't enjoy living the first time around.
Dale Carnegie quotes
One of the hardest things for me to understand is how so many dark secrets existed in the Bushnell home I grew up in in Sioux City, IA. Secrets that are still being discovered six years after I made my exit from that house and moved 1500 miles away to Boston, MA. A 24 hour distance when driven by car if you were driving straight through. Perhaps that is why in my mind I am always only a day away from forgetting and forgiving a past I cannot seem to leave behind me.
I am not referring to the secrets kept from others by my family, or the secrets kept between us as family members. I am referring to the secrets we kept from each other. Those were probably the most damaging secrets of all. Had that first secret been revealed years ago, the thousands that followed would not exist today. Secrets that COULD tear a family apart. Secrets that SHOULD tear a family apart. Secrets that WOULD tear a family apart. Turns out keeping secrets that did not tear our family apart, ended up tearing us apart anyway.
Little secrets are like white lies. No such thing. A secret is a secret and a lie is a lie, there is no getting around that. It's like when you are told something and promise not to tell anyone, but you know you are going to tell your best friend. It seems as though secrets and lies make the world turn and many times I wonder if secrets and lies are better left alone. You know that old saying "leave well enough alone"? Why is that so hard to do? What is that itch we cannot reach when we do not understand the why of what happened and set out on a search for the answer? Then there's the old saying "be careful what you ask for", clearly meant because what you go searching for you more then likely will wish you left well enough alone.
In order for me to better understand who I do not want to become I need to learn more about the person who resembles to me that person I am so in fear of being. That would be my 'dad', and I use that term under protest and despise. There are lots of words I could use to describe him that would be more accurate then dad, or father, but if I did I would disappoint many of my older friends and BFF (Blog Following Friends). I feel calling him dad is an insult to all the fathers out there who are hero's to their sons and prince's to their daughters. And an even bigger insult to those like Jake, who I refer to as my dad, because even though he has never fathered a son, he has taken me on in the absence of any other male figure in my life who could embrace me and raise me the way Jake has.
It's ironic in a way, that when my 'dad' was convicted of crimes against innocent people and sent to prison for the rest of his life I felt I had also been locked away, in a world too big for the scared little kid that never left from inside of me . I also find it ironic that when my mom (R.I.P. Mom I love and miss you more than ever) died some of my dreams died with her. It's like when my mom died a part of me died as well, and when my dad was incarcerated for life, I was somewhat imprisoned too. I no longer dream of the day I marry and have children for my mom to spoil under her new title in life as grandma. I never knew either set of my grandparents and I dreamed of the day I could watch my mom become a grandmother to my own children.
With the help of my brother Jordy I am looking back at our family tree and the history upon which its roots were planted. The unfortunate part about doing research on your family history is you start with the most recent family members that have come along and work your way back. Easier said then done when three of your four siblings and your mom are deceased. I have my mom's two sisters to rely on for the maternal side and I have my 'dads' sister and two brothers to rely on for the paternal side. Many letters have been sent and many phone calls have been made in an effort to find out more about the secrets that existed even before the Bushnell secrets started to surface.
I recently received a letter from my great uncle in eastern Iowa, who was an uncle to my 'dad' and his siblings. He was a brother to my 'dads' dad and I cannot thank him enough for responding to my letter to him regarding our family history. I was just as surprised to find out from him that he did not know I existed as he was to find out that I did. His letter was brief but it did include something that gets me closer to explaining who my 'dad' was. My 'dad' was distanced from his family when he was 16 which was by his own choice. What little contact he had with his siblings once he left home was very meager until they all established family units of their own. That distance would once again separate them when my baby sister died at the age of 3 when I was almost 7. What my great Uncle had to offer me was how my 'dads' dad (my paternal grandfather) was also distanced from his family when he was in his early teens. That was his choice also. The interesting part about this new found information is that my brother Jordy distanced himself from our family when he was just 14. That is also the age that I was forced to be distanced from my mom and 'dad' when I was beat out of their life.
Could this be an avenue for me that might possibly help me let go of a past that haunts me? Is there hope in his letter that I may find comfort in knowing I am my own man and I do not need to worry about who I will become based on who I came from? Could this be the start of a healing process, not to forgive my 'dad' for seven evil years of my life, but to let go of the thought of a life long fight to ensure I never become who he is?
It does not disturb me in the least that I continue to work on who I am and what I have to offer while on earth's journey. I understand that is something we all do, or should be doing. Evaluate ourselves and take a good look at who we are inside and out, process that into how we can be better, to ourselves as well as to everyone else. What I do struggle with is how much time I put into who I am not, which is my 'dad'. It disturbs me to look into a mirror and see that reflection looking back at me, knowing as the years roll by I resemble him more and more. In my heart I know I am nothing like him outside of the way we look. It is my mind that I cannot convince I am not the monster he is and I am not even capable of doing the things to others that he had done to us. It is not my heart I cannot convince I am better than that, it is my mind that tells me it is possible because the genes we share are so close to each other.
I fear this is a fight I will be fighting the rest of my life. What the heart can let go of the mind never does. The endless countless nightmares never leave for more then a few days before they whip back into my life. It would be a lot easier if there were no mirrors and no night falls in my journey to heaven. I will keep researching my family tree, in hopes to find not just answers to questions better left unasked, but family I have yet to meet. I have built myself a pretty good misfit family that I would not trade in for the world. I will always believe that even thought blood may be thicker than water, water is what quenches your thirst. I will continue this journey, searching for family I never knew existed, and family that never knew I existed with dreams of one day finding a break in the cycle that seems to be established in the gene line of the Paulings from Eastern Iowa. I do not want to forget my past, there were many great things that came out of it. Forgetting the past would be like never having one, and never learning the true definition of family and feeling what it is like to be loved unconditionally. With out the past I had, I would not be facing the future I face and be living the life I presently am living. I am unwilling to give up on my current dreams and future goals just to put the past behind me. Instead, I choose to discover more about how that past came about and try to find a reasonable explanation that allows me to let myself off the hook on what I could have done differently, if anything. Something that tells me I was not at fault, that I did nothing wrong, that I was a victim. WAS a victim, because someday I hope to be able to let it go, and never play the victim card again.
When I look in the mirror and that haunted gene pool stares back at me I will look beyond that reflection and see those that have always been there for me. Those that never left, those that never will. Those that believe in the goodness inside of me and bring out the best of who I am.
If only I had as much faith in myself as I have in God, or as much faith in myself as God has in me, or as much faith in myself as others have in me, perhaps then I could forget the past, forgive the sins, and realize they belong to him, not to me. The Bible helps me build my faith in God and eternal life but there is no book I could read, or write, that can help me build my faith in myself. That has to come from inside of me, and I would venture to say that a few of you know that after years of burying life's 'ickies" deep, bringing them to the surface is the only way to heal. But that does not come without more heartaches, finding out more lies, and reliving what you didn't enjoy living the first time around.
