Just because my mother passed away two years ago this coming November 22 does not mean I have forgotten the things she brought into my life. Just because my mother died two days before Thanksgiving in 2011 does not mean I do not have plenty to be thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving day, but all the days of the year.
I have not yet fully accepted my mothers death to the point where I can celebrate her life without many tears streaming down my face. I want to be that strong. I want to acknowledge that God took her home and she is void of all the sadness she had in her life on earth. I want to acknowledge that everything she could not enjoy on earth she is enjoying ten-fold in heaven. I want to acknowledge that she is now in eternity taking care of the children she lost before she herself left. I believe all that to be true, and I do remember to thank God for the time I did get to spend with her. I believe in the Circle of Life and I know we are born to die. I get that. I do.
Losing my mom was very painful and the memories of saying goodbye to her for one last time before we meet again in eternity was difficult to do. I am still coming to terms with my brother and I making the decision to take her off life support and let her, and GOD, decide if she still had breaths to breathe on earth, or if she was ready to meet her maker. Everyone says it was the right thing to do, but not everyone has had to make that decision themselves. It's the best thing to say I guess, when you know someone who is suffering from that decision. It's just like when someone dies and everyone says the pain of your loss will lesson as time goes on. It does not, but I know why they say it. I will agree with this should someone ever bring it up, the longer you live the more you realize that when you put your life in GOD's hands, the more understanding you are of his promise of eternity.
I keep a box full of my favorite memories left from the days when my mom lived with us here on earth. There were not many things left behind after my mother died but each item in that box I treasure with all my heart. There are cards, notes, a couple books from my childhood, a calendar and a few other misc items. I have a journal I have written that is full of memories from the past, times spent with my mom. I still pick it up and write down thoughts of those days gone by. Lately I find myself very sad when I pick up that journal or sift through that box of memories. There are less and less to write down of the memories of my time with my mom. A sign that this son lost his mother too soon. A sign that this son will spend the rest of his life with all the memories he has of his mom in a tiny little box. A sign that those memories, as heartfelt as they are, are the lasting memories of a mothers love, gone.
I was fourteen when I left the Bushnell home and I was barely twenty when my mom passed away. Our relationship during those six years were hit and miss. My mom escaped the Bushnell home herself when she moved to PA to live with her sister. We found each other from there and a short time later she moved to Boston to be near her two remaining living sons, myself and Jordon. The difference from when we lived in Sioux City IA was we would be taking care of our mom now. We were the parent figures who would see her through her final years. We were the sons who would watch her gasp for her last breath and fall quietly into a heavenly slumber.
Today as I rummage through the memory box I keep of my mom I came across an unopened Thanksgiving card that I planned on giving her on Thanksgiving 2011. I would have, had she not died a few days prior to the holiday. My hope upon shutting down the machines that were keeping her alive after a massive stroke was that I would be able to present her with that card. Her final breath took that opportunity away from me so I stuck that card in the memory box, more then likely not even realizing I had done it. I don't have to open that card to remember the words I printed inside of it.
"Of all the things in my life I can be thankful for Mom, I am most thankful for the gift from GOD for letting me be your son. What life has not given us on earth, we will be rewarded in heaven. Thank you, with all my heart, for showing me how to love when love is all you have.
Much Love, Jett"
The envelope to that card remains sealed. I am happy to have it with me although I would much rather it be in a box of memories owned by my mom. In years to come I hope to be able to take out that envelope and run my fingers across the words written across it 'the WORLDS GREATEST MOM', written by the son of the mother who gave him the greatest gift she ever could. The gift of the love of a mothers heart.
Two years ago I lost my mom but I never lost the love she had for me. The tears that fall from my eyes hold much sadness and sorrow for losing my mother. I can still feel her love for me inside my heart. I can still hear her voice telling me she loves me. Two years ago I lost the human form, the earthly body, of the mom that unconditionally loved me. Two years ago GOD took back the soul he loaned the earth but allowed us to keep her heart with us. The memories, the laughter, the love. The kindness, the warmth of her words, the smiles. The life, gone but not forgotten.
She was born. She lived. She died. She completed her Circle of Life. She was a wife, mother, sister, an aunt, a grandmother. Beyond all of the above, she was a child of GOD.
I love you Mom, more than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow. Each breath I have taken since the day we had to let you go is one breath closer to seeing you again when GOD will welcome me home. Tears that fall from the eyes that miss your smile are not just tears of sorrow but also tears of happiness. Knowing my sister and brothers in heaven are once again wrapped in your loving arms is a great comfort to me here on earth. Hugs. ~ Jett
