Another old note I wrote over a year ago before I started blogging on this blog site. I can honestly say I have come a long way since I wrote this blog about the pain I carry inside of me. I can also honestly say I face the same demons today as I did back then. Shadows that lurk near me giving me the fear of all my dreams being washed away. I still carry the fear of the unknown to the questions I have about life that have yet to be answered. The one thing that has changed greatly is the faith I carry that will grow stronger about who I am, where I am, and where I am heading. What also remains true is that when my feet are moving I am more comfortable in life then when they are idle and my mind keeps spinning.
THE DARKNESS WITH-IN ...
Words
can not describe what I feel on the inside. Putting them together into
sentences do not paint the true picture of the darkness in my soul.
The only way to deal with this is to avoid the pain buried deep inside
this tomb we know as the human body. The only way to avoid the darkness
within is to shut down the organs that permit this rented earthly life
to drag on and unleash the demons planted inside.
The mind never stops turning, playing me like a fiddle. Knowledge consumes me, fills my brain with information that merely exists to provide entertainment and conversation. The more I learn about life outside this shell, the less I have to face my fears. The more I can keep my feet moving, the less I have to think about what lurks inside my chest.
Freedom means different things to different people. I will achieve my own personal freedom the day I can truly rest in peace, and have access to all the answers, to all the questions, that no one can provide for me under the stars that lead to the Kingdom.
I am well aware of the people in my life that love me, unconditionally. I am aware of how big that number is and what those people truly mean to me. I appreciate each and every one of them in my life that accept me as I am. I know it is they that keep me breathing, keep me motivated, keep me grounded, in my pursuit to be the person I want to be. Without my circle of family and friends, living and deceased, the shadows that haunt me would surely have taken away my breath by now.
Life is not an option, and either is death. At times I feel stuck between wanting to live, and wanting to die. When my feet are moving, I want to live. I want to accomplish all and defeat the challenges that block my path. When my feet are idle, my brain works harder. I am forced to evaluate all that is and all that was. I relive my past as if I am still in it, fighting to get out, hopeless I will achieve that. I think about the shadows lurking behind me, ready to extinguish the fires I have burning. I think about those that have shot past the stars and moved on to the Kingdom, where questions are answered and pain is no more.
In appearance at first glance you might perceive me as a well rounded put together kind of guy who accepts lifes punches, getting back up and moving on when he gets knocked down. Turn me inside out and you will see that little kid full of fear, never accepted, always rejected. Stuck between wanting to live, and wanting to die. In the end, who will win?
The mind never stops turning, playing me like a fiddle. Knowledge consumes me, fills my brain with information that merely exists to provide entertainment and conversation. The more I learn about life outside this shell, the less I have to face my fears. The more I can keep my feet moving, the less I have to think about what lurks inside my chest.
Freedom means different things to different people. I will achieve my own personal freedom the day I can truly rest in peace, and have access to all the answers, to all the questions, that no one can provide for me under the stars that lead to the Kingdom.
I am well aware of the people in my life that love me, unconditionally. I am aware of how big that number is and what those people truly mean to me. I appreciate each and every one of them in my life that accept me as I am. I know it is they that keep me breathing, keep me motivated, keep me grounded, in my pursuit to be the person I want to be. Without my circle of family and friends, living and deceased, the shadows that haunt me would surely have taken away my breath by now.
Life is not an option, and either is death. At times I feel stuck between wanting to live, and wanting to die. When my feet are moving, I want to live. I want to accomplish all and defeat the challenges that block my path. When my feet are idle, my brain works harder. I am forced to evaluate all that is and all that was. I relive my past as if I am still in it, fighting to get out, hopeless I will achieve that. I think about the shadows lurking behind me, ready to extinguish the fires I have burning. I think about those that have shot past the stars and moved on to the Kingdom, where questions are answered and pain is no more.
In appearance at first glance you might perceive me as a well rounded put together kind of guy who accepts lifes punches, getting back up and moving on when he gets knocked down. Turn me inside out and you will see that little kid full of fear, never accepted, always rejected. Stuck between wanting to live, and wanting to die. In the end, who will win?
