I could tell on Monday that Grace had gotten a little closer to her hospital destination where she would live out her final hours on earth. I actually started to see the signs a week ago, and each day since then the signs became more and more clear. Dyspnea (also know as air hunger, or shortness of breath) was present the last few visits I had with Grace. She never complained, she simply slowed herself down so her breathing was not so labored. Fatigue was also becoming more common in our visits and often, out of the three of four hours I would spent with Grace, on and off she would be sleeping about half that time. Coughing was very common to hear coming from Grace this past week, due to the discontinued use of inhalers and antibiotics, which Grace had chosen to eliminate when she decided to stop all treatments and medicine. Obvious signs of Grace's condition turning for the worse was the bruise's that were appearing on her head first, and then around random areas of her body when she bumped a leg, or laid to long on one side. Fevers were becoming a common symptom and often kept Grace in bed for most of the day when her temperature would rise.
This past week of visiting Grace, through the days she had strength and those that had taken their toll on her, left me with mixed emotions. Grace was playing out the remainder of her life as she wanted it. She wanted to be free of all medicines so nothing slowed her down in any way while she spent as many weeks with her parents in their home as she could. She did this for her parents, so they could get the very best of the last days when her mind would not be altered by any drugs they administered to her for comfort. She also had an agenda to leave her home in a manner that made it less difficult for her parents to be in after she had passed. She redid her girly bedroom into an adult decor, while hiding the kid in her in the double wide closet by means of color drawings and messages. She had it arranged for what small family she had on both her parents sides to come visit her one last time in their home, not to mourn her life, but to celebrate her life. There would be no viewing of her body, she wanted them to say goodbye to her while she was still alive. Grace took care of all these details herself, with a slight suspicion by me, that my brother Joey was guiding her in her final steps on earth, and preparing her for her journey in eternity. The tiniest details were being taken care of by this little child while she tried to give her parents a normal few weeks as a family, like the days before she had gotten sick.
She had given away most all her possessions, keeping only what little she felt she would need to get her through the next few weeks, which were quickly turning into mere days. On Monday when I visited Grace I would notice her small pink suitcase sitting just inside her bedroom door. "My hospital things", she would tell me. "You know, the things I do not want left here if I am not going to be here." I would shortly find out what was in that suitcase as we continued to talk about this. It contained her notebooks and journals, her pink pajamas along with her fuzzy pink slippers. The necklace Kristy had loaned her on the day they first met. The wedding veil I gave to her early on when her and I talked about how she would never get to be married and have a baby. There were also about a dozen envelopes with names written on them. "For friends I would like to visit me in the hospital when I go Jett", she told me, I sifted through the envelopes, reading the names on them. "Jett, if those people do not come to see me when I am in the hospital, will you give them my letter to them please?" I put the envelopes back down, "Of course girlfriend, anything for you."
When I left on this Monday evening I did not have a very good feeling at all. There were too many physical signs as well as signs from Grace verbally that were pointing to her getting ready to put herself to rest. I would receive a text on Tuesday telling me that Grace was not well and did not get out of bed. I was welcome to stop by today, but it would probably be best to let her sleep this off, get some rest. I would let her rest I told her mom, and she agreed to update me on any changes, for better or worse.
On Wednesday morning Grace's mom had text me to call her or Grace's dad as soon as I was able. I can not tell you how many times I tried to dial either of them numbers but my hands would not cooperate with my mind. This is the call I told myself weeks ago I needed to be prepared for, and thought I would be, but I would prove myself wrong. Once I made the connection Grace's mom told me that Grace's fever had sky rocketed and she was told to take her to the emergency room, where they would immediately admit Grace into a room. After a brief update she wanted to get back to Grace. I told her I understood and I would come up and sit with them.
I could not. I could not find the strength to do anything for minutes. I was frozen in time or at least I wanted to be frozen in time. That would stop this madness right? It would prolong the death of my bossy sassy little friend. I showered, I dressed, I sat in silence. I tried to think of something, anything, that would prevent me from going to see Grace. Although her and I had talked about this many times, I was struggling with the thought of Grace telling me goodbye as she had promised me she would before she left us. At this moment I felt so alone, so helpless, so powerless, so small in this big overwhelming life that disappointment me so many times before.
What I really wanted was my mom. From the time I was born to fourteen years old my mom always fixed me best she could. The only thing my mom could never save me from was the shadows. No one has ever been able to save me from the shadows. I laid back on my bed and thought about my mom. What should I do mom? What would you do to help me right now mom? Where are you mom? Why did you leave me? I need your hug mom. I need you to tell me that everything will be alright mom. I miss you mom, and I want you back. Dear God, if I could just have one do-over in my life, it would be done on the day my mom died and left me. I would gladly go back to that day and redo my steps from that day forward, if I could just have my mom back.
Please God, let me have a do-over, and reverse all of this back to the day I let her go. I love you mom, and when you get to meet up with Gracie, be the mommy to her that you were to me. I'm sorry for the choice I had to make that day, and letting go of you was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I never stopped loving you, and the anger is more about me than it ever was about you. I hope you are resting in peace and I pray that you have forgiven me.
From months to weeks to days to hours, in minutes we move from breathing to beyond a breath of life, and full circle has reached out and touched us one very last time.
This past week of visiting Grace, through the days she had strength and those that had taken their toll on her, left me with mixed emotions. Grace was playing out the remainder of her life as she wanted it. She wanted to be free of all medicines so nothing slowed her down in any way while she spent as many weeks with her parents in their home as she could. She did this for her parents, so they could get the very best of the last days when her mind would not be altered by any drugs they administered to her for comfort. She also had an agenda to leave her home in a manner that made it less difficult for her parents to be in after she had passed. She redid her girly bedroom into an adult decor, while hiding the kid in her in the double wide closet by means of color drawings and messages. She had it arranged for what small family she had on both her parents sides to come visit her one last time in their home, not to mourn her life, but to celebrate her life. There would be no viewing of her body, she wanted them to say goodbye to her while she was still alive. Grace took care of all these details herself, with a slight suspicion by me, that my brother Joey was guiding her in her final steps on earth, and preparing her for her journey in eternity. The tiniest details were being taken care of by this little child while she tried to give her parents a normal few weeks as a family, like the days before she had gotten sick.
She had given away most all her possessions, keeping only what little she felt she would need to get her through the next few weeks, which were quickly turning into mere days. On Monday when I visited Grace I would notice her small pink suitcase sitting just inside her bedroom door. "My hospital things", she would tell me. "You know, the things I do not want left here if I am not going to be here." I would shortly find out what was in that suitcase as we continued to talk about this. It contained her notebooks and journals, her pink pajamas along with her fuzzy pink slippers. The necklace Kristy had loaned her on the day they first met. The wedding veil I gave to her early on when her and I talked about how she would never get to be married and have a baby. There were also about a dozen envelopes with names written on them. "For friends I would like to visit me in the hospital when I go Jett", she told me, I sifted through the envelopes, reading the names on them. "Jett, if those people do not come to see me when I am in the hospital, will you give them my letter to them please?" I put the envelopes back down, "Of course girlfriend, anything for you."
When I left on this Monday evening I did not have a very good feeling at all. There were too many physical signs as well as signs from Grace verbally that were pointing to her getting ready to put herself to rest. I would receive a text on Tuesday telling me that Grace was not well and did not get out of bed. I was welcome to stop by today, but it would probably be best to let her sleep this off, get some rest. I would let her rest I told her mom, and she agreed to update me on any changes, for better or worse.
On Wednesday morning Grace's mom had text me to call her or Grace's dad as soon as I was able. I can not tell you how many times I tried to dial either of them numbers but my hands would not cooperate with my mind. This is the call I told myself weeks ago I needed to be prepared for, and thought I would be, but I would prove myself wrong. Once I made the connection Grace's mom told me that Grace's fever had sky rocketed and she was told to take her to the emergency room, where they would immediately admit Grace into a room. After a brief update she wanted to get back to Grace. I told her I understood and I would come up and sit with them.
I could not. I could not find the strength to do anything for minutes. I was frozen in time or at least I wanted to be frozen in time. That would stop this madness right? It would prolong the death of my bossy sassy little friend. I showered, I dressed, I sat in silence. I tried to think of something, anything, that would prevent me from going to see Grace. Although her and I had talked about this many times, I was struggling with the thought of Grace telling me goodbye as she had promised me she would before she left us. At this moment I felt so alone, so helpless, so powerless, so small in this big overwhelming life that disappointment me so many times before.
What I really wanted was my mom. From the time I was born to fourteen years old my mom always fixed me best she could. The only thing my mom could never save me from was the shadows. No one has ever been able to save me from the shadows. I laid back on my bed and thought about my mom. What should I do mom? What would you do to help me right now mom? Where are you mom? Why did you leave me? I need your hug mom. I need you to tell me that everything will be alright mom. I miss you mom, and I want you back. Dear God, if I could just have one do-over in my life, it would be done on the day my mom died and left me. I would gladly go back to that day and redo my steps from that day forward, if I could just have my mom back.
Please God, let me have a do-over, and reverse all of this back to the day I let her go. I love you mom, and when you get to meet up with Gracie, be the mommy to her that you were to me. I'm sorry for the choice I had to make that day, and letting go of you was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I never stopped loving you, and the anger is more about me than it ever was about you. I hope you are resting in peace and I pray that you have forgiven me.
From months to weeks to days to hours, in minutes we move from breathing to beyond a breath of life, and full circle has reached out and touched us one very last time.
