Every once in a while you make a connection with someone who helps you put into perspective the difference between what you feel is misfortune and what they feel is misfortune. It goes to show you that it is all in a matter of how you think and how you feel about any given subject.
Some of you may remember the passing of my mother on Nov 22, 2011. Three years ago this past Saturday is when God took her home. Although my mom wasn't the picture of health and had suffered a couple minor strokes prior to her death, she was able to do most everything on her own. The help we were able to give her came in the form of driving her around, helping her clean her house, doing her lawn and shoveling snow. She was able to get around pretty well on her own and even worked part time cleaning offices in the building my brother Jordy was employed at. When our mom had a major stroke, she was admitted to the hospital and that is where she died.
My Sturges friends in Iowa have what I consider a more unfortunate demise with their mom. Their mom's health has been failing for the last few years. I call her Grandma Helen and I love the stories I have always heard about "Holy Helen". It pains me to hear now all that they go through in taking care of their mom. They are slowing watching their mom's life fade away from them as her health continues to decline. In talking to Aunt OJ (Julie) who is one of Helen's daughters it has always been one of her sisters goal to never have to put their parents into a nursing home and let others care for either one of them. Aunt OJ has told me that although her sister initially set that goal, several others of them have come to agree with her. They take care of their mom as much as they can.
There are seven siblings, four girls and three boys. I can imagine it takes all of them helping to accomplish such a commitment to their mom. I admire their dedication to taking care of their parents in their later years. Their parents are much older then my mom was when she died, by twenty years at least I would guess. So taking care of them as they age naturally is probably a chore in itself and then to add Helen's failing health on top of that has to be difficult. I mentioned to Aunt OJ that I say prayers for her parents and siblings daily, that God will ease the pain in Helen's body and keep the rest of them strong as they care for her.
I made the statement to Aunt OJ, "I am sorry you have to go through this difficult time with your mom, I know it is probably not the way you imagined spending the final years of your mom's life with her."
She hesitated for a moment before she responded, "I am sorry you did not get this kind of time with your mom Jett. As difficult as it can be, I am enjoying spending time with my mom that I otherwise would have taken for granted had she not become ill."
I have been thinking about our conversation a lot since Aunt OJ made that statement to me. I guess I imaged a lot of sad days in their lives taking care of their mom. I imaged a lot of pain, frustration, sadness, tears. Talking with her put a different perspective on their situation for me. Sure they get tired she said. Her sister is a teacher and works full time which if you know anything about teaching is more then a 40 hour week. She has really been the main care giver of her parents for years already and she was the first to commit to seeing that their mom remain in her home, working through her health issues. Cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and taking care of her medicine. Often sleeping on the sofa to make sure Helen's needs were taken care of day in and day out. The other siblings all playing a role as well, all of them working at least full time jobs, the girls providing relief for their sister so she gets rest and a break from the dedication of her role as care giver. The boys taking care of the house and the yard so the girls do not have to worry about that as they care for their mother. One of the sons has even helped with the medicine and the care of making sure Helen is safe when she needs to get up and move about.
I loved my mom deeply and I always thought if she would have survived her stroke and needed that kind of attention and help I would be happy to do what I could. I was devastated when my mom died and wished I could have done more. I now think about the time I spent with her before her major stroke and while I did what I could, I now wish I could have done more. I never got to see my mom grow old I never got the stories from her of her youth and her life that I could have had she lived longer then she did. My brother and I still talk about how hard it would have been to live our lives like we were used to had mom survived her stroke. How time consuming it would have been to help her with things in life that we could. Maybe that was our way of relieving some of the guilt of having to decide to keep her on life support or take her off.
After my recent conversation with Aunt OJ I have to say how much I admire and respect their decision to tough this out with their mom. To stay by her side day and night, to dedicate all the time they can to making her life better by being able to stay in her home. I think about how I always felt fortunate that our mom did not have to suffer with health issues even though it meant we no longer have her here. I think about how I have thought how unfortunate for the Sturges siblings to have to watch their mom suffer so, and dedicate their free time to helping her.
How wrong was I? Incredibly wrong. I love their outlook on life as they find themselves feeling fortunate to spend so much time with Helen, hearing stories about her youth. Discovering new things about their mom that they would otherwise never know had they not decided to keep her in her home. How wonderful of a job did Mr and Mrs Sturges do in raising their seven children to be so thoughtful and thankful to their parents. Thankful enough to want to never let go, to want to be with them until they take their last breath, in the home where they were raised. The memories they will have to share long after their parents are gone. How fortunate they are to have this special time together. How unfortunate for me to not have that same opportunity with my own mother.
Lessons in life come from so many different sources in our lives. Capture ever minute of the breathes your loved ones take. Don't assume fortune and misfortune is what you are facing in the difficult times. Embrace the moments before you, good and bad, and find the things you can walk away with and revisit when your loved ones leave you.
The very last memory I have of my mom before she had her stroke was taking her out to eat. I was frustrated with her never being able to decide what she wanted to eat and wanting me to make the decision for her. The very last memory I have of my mom before she took her final breath was thinking about wishing we were going out to eat and me getting to, not having to, decide what my mother might like for her meal.
I felt it was my misfortune to have to make those simple decisions for my mom when I should have felt fortunate that I got to spend time with her, anyway I could. My conversation with Aunt OJ has enlightened me in making sure I find the fortune in the misfortune in my life.
