Missing My Brother In Heaven

                                

Seven years ago I stood at the side of the hospital bed of my 24 year old brother Joey.  It wasn't his first time in the hospital and it wasn't his first day in the hospital this time around.  It would be his last.  On this day seven years ago Joey died from complications of lung cancer.  We watched him fight this cancer for over a year and the past three months or so we watched him suffer, knowing he would not win this battle.  On this day seven years ago Joey would let go of his life on earth, leaving behind his family and many friends.  I don't really know if Joey actually had a choice to let go or not, but in the last couple of days of his life I sensed he was making his peace with God. 

Joey did not have religion in his life.  He never spoke of his beliefs in God or what he thought would happen to him once his time on earth expired.  Not with me anyway.  He had a friend that would read to him from the bible and talk to him about how God accepts everyone into His Kingdom as long as they were sorry for the sins they committed on earth.  Joey never shared those conversations with me and what little I know about the religion he sought I heard from sitting outside his bedroom door in our house on  Bushnell when his friend came by (almost daily) to sit with him.

Joey had lots of visitors when he was bed ridden in the Bushnell house but only one who visited often and read to him from the bible.  While others were hoping Joey would live and wishing him well and telling him they would be back soon, only one would sit with him and talk about death.  What it meant to die, where we go when we die, and whether we were worthy of going to heaven when we did die.  Others would tell him he would be okay, he could fight this, he could win.  Only one would just listen to Joey talk about death, his death, and help him prepare for what comes after life, and help him find peace with God, peace with himself.  Whether she believed he would live or die, whether she thought he would go to heaven or hell, whether she believed what they read in the bible, she never revealed.  She always just listened to Joey's concerns about the afterlife and let him believe what he wanted, and let him find his way to peace in his mind, his heart and his soul.

Joey was no saint in life and I remember him as being fearless and careless in his daily grind.  I listened to them talk without them knowing I was there.  I heard the stories they shared about his past and the things he did and the things he was sorry for, and also the things he was not sorry for.  I remember clearly how Joey would tell a story about something he did that was wrong, he knew it was wrong, and if it was something that broke anyone of the TEN COMMANDMENTS.  I remember them laughing as they thumbed through the bible to find an example of whatever it was he had done and how God would forgive someone in the bible for the very same thing. 

It was perhaps those days that brought me closer to the desire I held to find out more about God, His Church, His teachings and His promise of eternal life.  It was perhaps what put the fear of God inside of me to stay on the beaten path least I fall and tumble into the turmoil of whether I would be forgiven for turning my back on the path to eternal life.  Those unnoticed moments of eavesdropping on my brother and his friend may very well have been what sparked my interest in finding a church family and committing my soul to God and His promise of a future in heaven with Him and those I love and miss dearly that have gone before me.

My love for my brother has done nothing but grow stronger in the seven years he has been gone from my life, beyond a breath of life.  My love for God has done nothing but grow stronger as well in the last seven years, even though I know in faith I have much more work to do in preparing myself for my journey beyond a breath of life.  I often wonder had Joey not died, if Joey and his friend had not spent hours pondering the question "what is life after death" going to be like, would I be as focused in my religious life as I am now?  Is that the answer to my question on why Joey had to die?  Did Joey have to die so I could find God and invite him into my heart so one day I will enjoy an eternal life with Him?  If Joey had not died would I have ever found faith? 

Seven years ago today and I still question the reason Joey had to leave me.  I am still trying to find answers that I know cannot satisfy the questions I have.  Like the pain of losing Joey that will never go away, the questions on why he had to go away will also never leave my heart.  While I understand the Circle of Life and I understand we are born to die, I don't understand why the one person in my life that I needed and trusted had to leave me.  Were there not others who could have gone before Joey?  Were there others who needed to be with God more?  Was there not anyone else who could have gone before Joey so he could be there when I fail? when I succeed? when I hurt? when I laughed?

I used to ask God to send Joey back.  I used to pray to God to take me too. I just wanted to be with my brother, my friend, my safety net, my hero.  Knowing Joey could never come back and knowing I could always go to him was the next burden I carried in my heart.  Yes, you can love someone so much you feel you cannot live without them.  It was not just the love for Joey that had me begging God to take me too, it was the fear of life as well.  Joey knew all my secrets and gave me hope of getting out of a bad situation.  Joey protected me very well before he got sick.  Joey knew, he know, and he was going to help me.  How could You, GOD, take away my savior?

I reflect today on those thoughts seven years ago that invaded me after Joey died.  I also reflect today on how far I have come and how by Joey dying I actually was able to get away from a bad situation.  By Joey dying I found God.  By Joey dying I can help others.  Joey's death has allowed me to live free of the abuse he promised to get me away from.  Just like he promised me he would do.  Today I reflect on the Circle of Life and how God places us exactly where He wants us in life, exactly where we need to be.  Whether we understand our purpose in God's plan, whether we question where we are in life verses where we feel we should be, there is one thing we should try to remember.  We are where we are needed  so that God's plan for eternity and His promise that we will all one day, reunite in a world of beauty, peace in love.

Joey, brother, not a day goes by that you are not floating around inside my heart.  The memories I have of you have never faded and its as if I can feel you in the beat of my heart and with each breath I breathe.  Inside my heart it's like you never died and I can still close my eyes and see you standing next to me.  I can feel you with me and with each gust of wind I can feel you near me. I love you Joey, and I miss you deeply.  R.I.P. ~ Jett

Orphans and Misfits: Looking To Fit In

My previous three blogs each advanced me into a competition where the winning blog would receive a charitable donation on their behalf for an organization they feel strongly about in their support for them.  The following blog helped me win that contest and a donation was made to a local organization that assists in the care of children who have been abandoned and deserted by their parents or guardians. 

From the bottom of my very deep loving heart, I applaud those of you who have loved your children with all your being.  From the bottom of my heart, I applaud those of you who have taken on the task of being a parent to someone who was abandoned by their own.  With a very heart felt thank you, I applaud those of you who have stepped into a child's life and sacrificed your wants and needs for the wants and needs of that child.  God Bless you in your journey and may peace land on you and those you love.  ~ Jett

Orphan: child without parents: a child whose parents are both dead or who has been abandoned by his or her parents, especially a child not adopted by another family (Bing Dictionary)

Wouldn't it be great to eliminate every orphan from the world by being able to provide them with a family that would welcome them into their home, their family, their lives?  To know that no child would fall asleep at night alone, afraid, wondering what life would have to offer them if they had someone to love them, unconditionally and forever?  To know that no tears would fall on a pillow tonight because the eyes they fall from are now sparkling from the love showered upon them?  To know that no child tonight will feel defeated in a life that has yet to begin.  Wouldn't it be nice?!

Misfit: a person who has a family yet does not feel like they belong.   a person who has left the family they have due to some sort of abuse (whether it be mental, physical, or sexually) to seek out a family where they feel accepted.

The clear cut difference between an orphan and a misfit is that an orphan has not yet found a family to call their own.  As a misfit you make your own family that includes other misfits who also were just seeking the stability of a family unit when theirs failed them.  As an orphan, that is if you are under the age of 18, you are placed in a group home until you can be fostered out or adopted.  As an orphan you wait for someone to come along and make you part of their family.  As an orphan you are left wondering how you will fit into your new family.  As a misfit you picked them so you know it is a good fit for you.

There are many programs across the country that provides support for children whose parents or guardians have failed them.  The Boys and Girls Homes across this country provide the support a child needs to learn life long skills that allow them to get a start when they become an adult and will be on their own.  They provide Arts, Education, Leadership, Life Skills, Sports Fitness and Recreation, as well as Technology.  They instill confidence in the lives of those children so they may one day become responsible citizens in the communities they live in. 

The Boys and Girls Clubs across this nation provides children a safe place to go, whether they are orphans, misfits, or just kids needing to get away.  Volunteers and staff are always on hand to help with the needs of the children seeking guidance and leadership.  They are there to provide the support needed to cope with life.  They offer family programs as well that often helps keeps families together.

Placing children into homes and families is a cumbersome task in itself and to add to the frustration of placement of these kids is the lack of homes available or families willing to take them in.  It is costly to provide the services to children that will prepare them for society when they turn 18 and it leaves very little funding to keep providing these children with their needs once they reach the age limit to receive help from these organizations.  It is the hope that those children fostered or adopted will still get that support once they turn of age but that is not always the case.  Then there are the children who never get adopted or fostered who get pushed out of the system whether they are ready or not when they reach the age of 18. 

There will never be enough money to provide each child with the needs they have up to the age of 18, even though their food and bed will be provided for them, the lack of funds in preparing them for life after they become adults often fails them.  Every dollar makes a difference and anyone who can spare one is making the difference in the lives of a child.  If you could take a moment to visit this site and perhaps make a small donation it would be greatly appreciated.  Boys and Girls Homes of America.  You are two clicks away from enriching a child's life.

My Aunt Mary recently decided to foster two brothers who were abandoned by their mother.  Living on their own for three months these brothers, ages 9 and 10, became wards of the state when not a single family member would step forward to guardian them.  Fostering these brothers will provide them with the love of a family while keeping them off the streets, getting them a proper education and preparing them for life when they enter adulthood.  It provides them with the comfort of a home full of love, a hot meal, a warm bed, clean clothes and lots of laughter.  It protects them from the streets and all it has to offer in all the wrong directions.  I suspect Aunt Mary will adopt the brothers and pull them even closer to the life of a loving family.

I think about the kids that don't get fostered, or adopted.  Kids that will age out too soon from a system strapped and burdened down with expenses that exceed the funds.  So many kids in the system that enough is never enough.  Where a dollar is stretched so thin the warmth of a good nights sleep is overcast with worry of a one more child arriving for help.  What will become of child turned adult that never found love and warmth of a family to grow into.  What will become of the child who never found a place they could call home.  Will that child go out into the big adult world and find their misfit family where they fit in?  Will that child ever feel like they are home?

Money may not seem like the answer to those of us who have never laid in bed at night wondering what it would be like to be tucked in by a parent who loves us.  Or to wake up in the morning to a hot breakfast our mom made us.  Or to hear our dad tell us how proud he is of us.  Or to hear an I love you from someone we thought would always unconditionally love us.  Money is probably not even on the mind of the child looking for a thicker blanket in a roomful of others who landed in a home for children abandoned and/or abused.  The money will matter to the organizations trying to support these kids.  The people responsible for caring for these kids, the people who day in and day out watch these children as they wait to be fostered or adopted.  The people who wipe the tears, touch the hurting heart, mend the broken trust.  Those are the people who the money will matter to the most.  So that they can continue the support of these kids beyond the age of 18 as they continue to look for that one place they might actually feel where they fit in.

Orphan or Misfit:  An individual that just wants to belong, be apart of someone else's heart.