My friend Ce'dric recently took his own life, the result of much pain in his heart left by the love of his life of 2 years, Alana. She also took her own life as the result of much pain left in her heart at the hands of young adult women who felt the need to question her character and judge her life.
Ce'dric left behind many friends and family members, including his Mom, his step Dad, and his brothers Avery (13) and Adrian (10). I recently spent time with Mr L (Ce'dric's step dad) and learned more about the life Ce'dric lived beyond what he shared with those that loved him. Mr L was kind enough to let me read the journal Ce'dric has left behind. He began this journal the day after Alana hung herself in the bedroom she slept in, in her parents home. Just as Ce'dric wrote about the time he spent in Alana's room after her death, I will journal about the time I spent in his room after his death. This next series of blogs will be under A Dairy of A Weeping Heart and will continue until I have shared his entire journal with you.
I want to share Ce'dric's journal with the world, to get a glimpse of the pain that helped him decide it would be less painful to go be with his sweet Alana. I will tell you up front I am not worried about whether he wanted his final days on earth shared with anyone, because I really didn't want him to die, but he did, so this puts on an even playing field.
Ce'dric, our friendship has not ended with your final breath beyond a breath of life. In this world I have many friends who I will continue my walk with on earth. I wish you were here brae, because we shared a friendship that was unique and unconditional. I understand your actions more then you think I do and I will forever love who you were and the friend you became. Rest in God's Peace Sir, and may the Grace of God get you through to eternity with the girl you told me you were going to marry the day we saw her walking across that parking lot. Peace brother, God's Speed. ~ Jett
April 14, 2013: Somber Sunday:
My first text yesterday went to my sweet Alana. "Happy 21st Birthday baby, I cannot wait to take you on your first legal age birthday date." The last text I received from the love of my life was simple and sweet, just like my girl. "I love you Ce'dric, and I always will."
Alana baby, I am so sorry. Not because I lost you, but because you were lost and I did not see that. You took away all our dreams and hopes and plans for a lifetime together. I told you once I loved you enough to die for you, today I get to prove this to you. It won't be long baby and we will continue our lifetime of happiness together.
I broke my leg once, and thought that no pain could be worse than that. Then I cracked two ribs and knew at that moment I was wrong, the pain was even worse. Through all the injuries I suffered playing sports throughout the years, nothing compares to the pain of a broken heart. I cannot live with an injury I cannot mend. Today I will begin to tie up all the lose ends in my life and one day soon I will weep no more for Alana will once again be in my arms.
April 15, 2013: Mourning Monday:
Everyone is telling me how horrible and sad they are for not only Alana's death but for the loss of her in my life. I want to tell them to take the pain and the fear inside of them over this and times that by a trillion, and they will touch a very small portion of the pain in my heart. I know they mean well, and I know they are struggling for something to say. It is OK I tell them, this pain will soften as the days go by and when the time is right our hearts will be together again in a world free of sadness and sorrow.
My mom hurts deep for my heart and the pain inside of me. I want to tell her to worry less about me because I will soon find a way to be with Alana forever and when I go, she will understand, both the pain of a broken heart and my need to move on.
April 16, 2014: Tragic Tuesday:
I visited Alana's family today for the first time since her death. They are such kind people and I know the pain I see in their eyes and they feel in their hearts. They are lucky I think to myself, they got to spend Alana's last day on earth with her. She planed it well, on her 21st birthday, to let them know how much she loved them and appreciated them in her life. They were happy for those final memories of happiness in the life of their daughter, their sister, who hid from them the pain in her life and though it did not help comfort their lost, it left a true impression of who Alana was to them.
I sat in her bedroom for a couple of hours, looking at the remnants of the girl who promised me that one day we would marry and raise a family equally as well as both of us were raised. With God in our lives to guide us through difficult times. I looked up at the rope that still hung from her closet door that she used to end the pain inside of her that she shielded so easily from those close to her. "where was God in your life on Saturday Alana, when you let go of your heart?".
As I sat there trying not to be angry I had a text come through. "Ceddy, you better not be sitting around wondering where your friends are today. " It was Jett, the modern day Jesus on earth. My friend, the kid who never gives up, never looks back. I should of know if I was questioning God he would come through. I met him at Froggy Pond, the park we hung out at when we wanted to get the world's troubles off our backs.
April 17, 2013: Wicked Wednesday:
I am impatient and angry today. Angry at Alana for going without me. I love her still as much as I did the day she killed herself but the selfishness in me is getting the best of me today. Why not include me? Why not let me come with you now? Why did you want to go alone? Impatient with her family who cannot seem to find a way to get her quickly rested at peace. The sooner we get that ball rolling the sooner I can tie up all my loose ends and be with her.
April 18, 2014: Terrible Thursday:
Finally, the arrangements are made. Alana will soon be resting at peace, with a angel like service and a final burial that will allow me to go on with my plans. I will join her soon and we will comfort each other for those we miss on earth and those that will miss us.
Man, mom's going to be angry as she has ever been with me. I know my dad will keep my family going, he will find a way. Adrian and Avery, guys, you are my best friends and when all you have left is each other you have to understand this was not about you, or mom, or dad. It is about me and Alana and our life time together.
April 19, 2014: Frightening Friday:
I am anxious and nervous and sad all at once. I am a ball of emotions that I cannot shake. Tonight I will see Alana for the final time on earth and even though it is her corpse and I know her soul is hovering around above me, I know it will be difficult to see my beautiful Alana laid out in a casket that is her refuge from a world that could not protect her. Tonight I will kneel in prayer for forgiveness for the path I am on that will once again take me to Alana's side.
April20, 2014: Saturday's Service:
True to life my boys will have my back today as I walk away from the cemetery that will hold my bride to be's body forever. Little do they know this is where they can find me soon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, over the grave of a love lost soon to be found and reunited again.
Last night was so bad. All the weeping hearts left behind. No one could find the right words to say, no one could look in anyone else's eyes. Except Jett, my boy was right by my side the entire service. My other boys lingered for a few minutes and left. I know its hard. I remember Connors funeral services. I'm ready for today, I'm ready to see my final resting place that I will move to very soon.
Ce'dric left behind many friends and family members, including his Mom, his step Dad, and his brothers Avery (13) and Adrian (10). I recently spent time with Mr L (Ce'dric's step dad) and learned more about the life Ce'dric lived beyond what he shared with those that loved him. Mr L was kind enough to let me read the journal Ce'dric has left behind. He began this journal the day after Alana hung herself in the bedroom she slept in, in her parents home. Just as Ce'dric wrote about the time he spent in Alana's room after her death, I will journal about the time I spent in his room after his death. This next series of blogs will be under A Dairy of A Weeping Heart and will continue until I have shared his entire journal with you.
I want to share Ce'dric's journal with the world, to get a glimpse of the pain that helped him decide it would be less painful to go be with his sweet Alana. I will tell you up front I am not worried about whether he wanted his final days on earth shared with anyone, because I really didn't want him to die, but he did, so this puts on an even playing field.
Ce'dric, our friendship has not ended with your final breath beyond a breath of life. In this world I have many friends who I will continue my walk with on earth. I wish you were here brae, because we shared a friendship that was unique and unconditional. I understand your actions more then you think I do and I will forever love who you were and the friend you became. Rest in God's Peace Sir, and may the Grace of God get you through to eternity with the girl you told me you were going to marry the day we saw her walking across that parking lot. Peace brother, God's Speed. ~ Jett
April 14, 2013: Somber Sunday:
My first text yesterday went to my sweet Alana. "Happy 21st Birthday baby, I cannot wait to take you on your first legal age birthday date." The last text I received from the love of my life was simple and sweet, just like my girl. "I love you Ce'dric, and I always will."
Alana baby, I am so sorry. Not because I lost you, but because you were lost and I did not see that. You took away all our dreams and hopes and plans for a lifetime together. I told you once I loved you enough to die for you, today I get to prove this to you. It won't be long baby and we will continue our lifetime of happiness together.
I broke my leg once, and thought that no pain could be worse than that. Then I cracked two ribs and knew at that moment I was wrong, the pain was even worse. Through all the injuries I suffered playing sports throughout the years, nothing compares to the pain of a broken heart. I cannot live with an injury I cannot mend. Today I will begin to tie up all the lose ends in my life and one day soon I will weep no more for Alana will once again be in my arms.
April 15, 2013: Mourning Monday:
Everyone is telling me how horrible and sad they are for not only Alana's death but for the loss of her in my life. I want to tell them to take the pain and the fear inside of them over this and times that by a trillion, and they will touch a very small portion of the pain in my heart. I know they mean well, and I know they are struggling for something to say. It is OK I tell them, this pain will soften as the days go by and when the time is right our hearts will be together again in a world free of sadness and sorrow.
My mom hurts deep for my heart and the pain inside of me. I want to tell her to worry less about me because I will soon find a way to be with Alana forever and when I go, she will understand, both the pain of a broken heart and my need to move on.
April 16, 2014: Tragic Tuesday:
I visited Alana's family today for the first time since her death. They are such kind people and I know the pain I see in their eyes and they feel in their hearts. They are lucky I think to myself, they got to spend Alana's last day on earth with her. She planed it well, on her 21st birthday, to let them know how much she loved them and appreciated them in her life. They were happy for those final memories of happiness in the life of their daughter, their sister, who hid from them the pain in her life and though it did not help comfort their lost, it left a true impression of who Alana was to them.
I sat in her bedroom for a couple of hours, looking at the remnants of the girl who promised me that one day we would marry and raise a family equally as well as both of us were raised. With God in our lives to guide us through difficult times. I looked up at the rope that still hung from her closet door that she used to end the pain inside of her that she shielded so easily from those close to her. "where was God in your life on Saturday Alana, when you let go of your heart?".
As I sat there trying not to be angry I had a text come through. "Ceddy, you better not be sitting around wondering where your friends are today. " It was Jett, the modern day Jesus on earth. My friend, the kid who never gives up, never looks back. I should of know if I was questioning God he would come through. I met him at Froggy Pond, the park we hung out at when we wanted to get the world's troubles off our backs.
April 17, 2013: Wicked Wednesday:
I am impatient and angry today. Angry at Alana for going without me. I love her still as much as I did the day she killed herself but the selfishness in me is getting the best of me today. Why not include me? Why not let me come with you now? Why did you want to go alone? Impatient with her family who cannot seem to find a way to get her quickly rested at peace. The sooner we get that ball rolling the sooner I can tie up all my loose ends and be with her.
April 18, 2014: Terrible Thursday:
Finally, the arrangements are made. Alana will soon be resting at peace, with a angel like service and a final burial that will allow me to go on with my plans. I will join her soon and we will comfort each other for those we miss on earth and those that will miss us.
Man, mom's going to be angry as she has ever been with me. I know my dad will keep my family going, he will find a way. Adrian and Avery, guys, you are my best friends and when all you have left is each other you have to understand this was not about you, or mom, or dad. It is about me and Alana and our life time together.
April 19, 2014: Frightening Friday:
I am anxious and nervous and sad all at once. I am a ball of emotions that I cannot shake. Tonight I will see Alana for the final time on earth and even though it is her corpse and I know her soul is hovering around above me, I know it will be difficult to see my beautiful Alana laid out in a casket that is her refuge from a world that could not protect her. Tonight I will kneel in prayer for forgiveness for the path I am on that will once again take me to Alana's side.
April20, 2014: Saturday's Service:
True to life my boys will have my back today as I walk away from the cemetery that will hold my bride to be's body forever. Little do they know this is where they can find me soon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, over the grave of a love lost soon to be found and reunited again.
Last night was so bad. All the weeping hearts left behind. No one could find the right words to say, no one could look in anyone else's eyes. Except Jett, my boy was right by my side the entire service. My other boys lingered for a few minutes and left. I know its hard. I remember Connors funeral services. I'm ready for today, I'm ready to see my final resting place that I will move to very soon.
