Once I walk into the room Grace is in to receive more treatments for her terminal brain cancer, it does not take long for me to remember who is in control of these visits. I would like to think, as an aspiring journalist, that I have the upper hand in how to play my interviews out with this amazing child of God. I think the biggest hurdle is that these interviews feel more like a visit and less like I'm telling Grace's story.
I don't know why when I walk in and see her I hesitate to approach her and force her to invite me to move closer to her. I'm not afraid of Grace, in fact, I feel like I have know her, her entire short life. I guess I never want this to be my last visit and I know that as the weeks go on, her time with us here on earth gets shorter.
Her courage in her battle for life is overwhelming and makes the things I have struggled through seem so petty and I find myself wondering why I spend so much time reliving my past. How much more would I be able to accomplish in my life if I just looked forward and never turned around to revisit what I cannot change.
Grace is more lively this week than she was last week. Her strength seems have held up well, so I ask her about the week in between since my last visit. She filled much of her time playing with her barbie dolls. Linda is her barbie mom and Jenny is her barbie daughter. She likes the name Jenny and if she hadn't been chosen by God to go home to him soon, that is what she would name the daughter her and her husband would have. After a princess wedding of course, where she would ride to the church in a horse drawn carriage and her husband would be waiting for her in the church, and he would be 'oh so handsome and kind'.
The part of that story she told me I liked best was how for the five minutes she spent talking about the life she fantasied about, knowing she would never make it to that alter, was how much sparkle I saw in her eyes. Looking into her shining smiling eyes, I could almost see her on her wedding day, proudly walking up that aisle to marry the man she would marry for the rest of their lives, had it not been cut short by a disease that will soon rob her of all her dreams of a future on earth.
"What about you, Jett? What will your wedding day be like?" And just like that Grace took my interview away, and turned it back on me. I responded that I would like to marry someday, but I have not really put a lot of thought into that due to an overload of school projects and personal goals I have set for myself. Grace said "Well, you better hurry up before all the good girls are gone. You are not getting any younger you know." How do you not laugh at that? Or at the very least smile? The only thought that entered my mind at that moment was how it won't be long, and this good girl will be gone.
Grace knows. She has this insight on what is happening in other people hearts. I suppose she obtained that quality from dealing with those of us that 'are not getting any younger' when we are faced with the thought of losing one special little girl such as herself. She is quick to grab my hand, to comfort me, as if she knew that is what I was thinking. Her tiny soft hand looked even smaller nestled into my adult sized palm. "Look at this", Grace says, "neither one of our hands will ever grow bigger than they are now".
I asked Grace how is it that she is so strong about her illness. Was she not afraid of the unknown? "You mean not knowing when God will let me go to him?" Yes, that is what I mean. "I will miss everyone I love here but I will get to see everything from Heaven. Since this is the way God chose for me to get to Heaven, I just think about how special I am to God, and I get excited to find out what job he will give me there. I will get to talk to your Mom, Jett, and your brother Joey who you miss so much. I will get to tell your Mom how fun it was to have you come visit me. I will get to meet Joey and we can sit and watch you write stories. I can visit with my grandparents." And those are the extend of the people little Gracie has lost in her life. It doesn't seem right, but yet it doesn't seem wrong.
Grace talked about God and Heaven as if she understood our time on earth is temporary while God makes room for us in his Kingdom. How do you be eight and understand the difference between fear and eternal happiness? Most of us will leave earth and never grasp the concept of a life where everything is pure. Grace will leave earth pure of body, mind, and soul ... as she enters God's Kingdom the same way she left us.
Our interview has taken its toll on both Grace, and myself. She is tired, as I suddenly am too. She pulls her tiny hand from mine and clutches it into a fist, extending her pinky finger. I do the same. And in as many times as I have come to visit Grace, we end with a secret "pinky pact" also know as a "pinky swear". Her smile is as big as it can get when we repeat our secret and give each other a pinky kind of shake. A bond neither one of us will break. We hug and say goodbye, and as I reach the door to leave, Grace stops me. "Jett, next time you come to visit me, we can play barbies." Sure I told her, with a smile, thinking that when Grace GETS to go home to God, my heavenly brother Joey, will be playing barbies with this Amazing Grace.
Goodbye little Angel, I tell her.
Goodbye Jett, don't forget me, she tells me.
As if I could.
I don't know why when I walk in and see her I hesitate to approach her and force her to invite me to move closer to her. I'm not afraid of Grace, in fact, I feel like I have know her, her entire short life. I guess I never want this to be my last visit and I know that as the weeks go on, her time with us here on earth gets shorter.
Her courage in her battle for life is overwhelming and makes the things I have struggled through seem so petty and I find myself wondering why I spend so much time reliving my past. How much more would I be able to accomplish in my life if I just looked forward and never turned around to revisit what I cannot change.
Grace is more lively this week than she was last week. Her strength seems have held up well, so I ask her about the week in between since my last visit. She filled much of her time playing with her barbie dolls. Linda is her barbie mom and Jenny is her barbie daughter. She likes the name Jenny and if she hadn't been chosen by God to go home to him soon, that is what she would name the daughter her and her husband would have. After a princess wedding of course, where she would ride to the church in a horse drawn carriage and her husband would be waiting for her in the church, and he would be 'oh so handsome and kind'.
The part of that story she told me I liked best was how for the five minutes she spent talking about the life she fantasied about, knowing she would never make it to that alter, was how much sparkle I saw in her eyes. Looking into her shining smiling eyes, I could almost see her on her wedding day, proudly walking up that aisle to marry the man she would marry for the rest of their lives, had it not been cut short by a disease that will soon rob her of all her dreams of a future on earth.
"What about you, Jett? What will your wedding day be like?" And just like that Grace took my interview away, and turned it back on me. I responded that I would like to marry someday, but I have not really put a lot of thought into that due to an overload of school projects and personal goals I have set for myself. Grace said "Well, you better hurry up before all the good girls are gone. You are not getting any younger you know." How do you not laugh at that? Or at the very least smile? The only thought that entered my mind at that moment was how it won't be long, and this good girl will be gone.
Grace knows. She has this insight on what is happening in other people hearts. I suppose she obtained that quality from dealing with those of us that 'are not getting any younger' when we are faced with the thought of losing one special little girl such as herself. She is quick to grab my hand, to comfort me, as if she knew that is what I was thinking. Her tiny soft hand looked even smaller nestled into my adult sized palm. "Look at this", Grace says, "neither one of our hands will ever grow bigger than they are now".
I asked Grace how is it that she is so strong about her illness. Was she not afraid of the unknown? "You mean not knowing when God will let me go to him?" Yes, that is what I mean. "I will miss everyone I love here but I will get to see everything from Heaven. Since this is the way God chose for me to get to Heaven, I just think about how special I am to God, and I get excited to find out what job he will give me there. I will get to talk to your Mom, Jett, and your brother Joey who you miss so much. I will get to tell your Mom how fun it was to have you come visit me. I will get to meet Joey and we can sit and watch you write stories. I can visit with my grandparents." And those are the extend of the people little Gracie has lost in her life. It doesn't seem right, but yet it doesn't seem wrong.
Grace talked about God and Heaven as if she understood our time on earth is temporary while God makes room for us in his Kingdom. How do you be eight and understand the difference between fear and eternal happiness? Most of us will leave earth and never grasp the concept of a life where everything is pure. Grace will leave earth pure of body, mind, and soul ... as she enters God's Kingdom the same way she left us.
Our interview has taken its toll on both Grace, and myself. She is tired, as I suddenly am too. She pulls her tiny hand from mine and clutches it into a fist, extending her pinky finger. I do the same. And in as many times as I have come to visit Grace, we end with a secret "pinky pact" also know as a "pinky swear". Her smile is as big as it can get when we repeat our secret and give each other a pinky kind of shake. A bond neither one of us will break. We hug and say goodbye, and as I reach the door to leave, Grace stops me. "Jett, next time you come to visit me, we can play barbies." Sure I told her, with a smile, thinking that when Grace GETS to go home to God, my heavenly brother Joey, will be playing barbies with this Amazing Grace.
Goodbye little Angel, I tell her.
Goodbye Jett, don't forget me, she tells me.
As if I could.
