Amazing Grace : The Bravest Little Girl ...

Gracie was the bravest little girl I knew, perhaps the bravest person I will ever meet in my journey on earth.  She was the strong one, always, when we would visit.  I spent many hours with her in the final months in her journey on earth and I can count on one hand how many times she cried because she was dying.  On the other hand I can count how many times she complained about receiving chemo and radiation due to her brain cancer and how it over took her tiny little body.  I'm not saying she never cried, but the tears that fell because she was leaving earth were few and far between.  She accepted her fate of such a short time on earth and believed with all her heart she was going to live with God.

Gracie knew more about heaven and what it held for her then anyone else I have ever talked to about heaven.  She talked about what it looked like, she talked about her journey between earth and heaven and the park she would get to live in until God was ready to meet her.  She held as much knowledge about God and his plan for her in her head than the love she held in her heart for Him..  She liked the idea of working for God in heaven and meeting his mommy and her son Jesus.  "It's going to be beautiful there Jett," she would tell me, "more beautiful than anything we see on earth."

When I first met Gracie she was very tough on me and it was intimidating to me until I realized how she was just trying to protect me from a friendship that in a matter of weeks would have to continue in our hearts.  "Do not treat me special because I have cancer."  Do not feel sorry for me because I am going to heaven.  Do not cry when I leave."   It was constant, those demands.  I could pinky promise her all day long on those demands but I would break the promise every day I left her as I cried on my ride home.  She would text me from her mom's cell phone about five minutes after I left.  Stop crying Jett I know you are.  She would be 100% absolutely right about that with each and every text she sent.

I pinky promised Gracie that after she left us on earth I would go to visit her final resting place on earth often.  "Keep the dust off of me please", she would say with a laugh.  It is one of the many pinky promises I have kept.  Yes, I keep the dust off of her, and yes I leave her gifts.  Anything pink from hair ribbons (because she assured me over and over again she will get her long pretty hair back in heaven) to barbie dolls in pink clothes.   I also leave post it notes, on pink paper of course, telling her things going on back here on earth.  VISITED YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY TODAY ; OLIVIA WORE YOUR KICKS TODAY ; ATE A CHERRY CREME DONUT TODAY.  Insane, I know, but it helps my heart.  I miss my buddy, my little angel on earth.

I also sit with her and talk about all the people I brought into her life, filling her in on what everyone is doing.  I like to imagine she is still sitting with me, making faces at me and telling me "you're silly, silly as your name is".  I can close my eyes and hear her giggle, see her bright smile, hear her heart beat - bursting with all the love she allowed to live in it.  Truly she is a child of God, from the moment she took her first breath, to the moment she took the final breath that carried her beyond a breath of life on earth.

Gracie was brave, strong, positive, and courageous, and when she was ready to die she was brave, strong, positive and courageous for the rest of us.  She dedicated her remaining weeks of life to make sure those left behind were going to be alright.  When Gracie told her parents she did not want any more treatments it let everyone involved in her treatment know that this tough little girl was ready to go.  I watched Gracie at the Cancer Center the last day she would ever step out of that building and go home and prepare herself for God and the life in heaven he was offering her.

I watched all those medical professionals as they tried to be tough for her.  I watched as they held back tears, as they said goodbye to her, as they quietly walked away.  I heard her tell each one of them to be positive for the rest of the kids, to be strong for them and  told them "do not cry when I leave today."  I tried to put myself in her parents shoes that day when they drove away from the only place that could prolong the life of the child they were losing, knowing it was near the end for them, this family of three.  The only day sadder to me than the day she stopped her treatments was the day I went to visit her at the hospital for the very last time. 

Gracie left this earth a better place.  She left this earth with more love then it had when she was alive.  She left a big mark for the short eight years she was with us.  She left so gracefully for an eight year old little girl that lived her life as if would never end.  She believed, she had hope, she had faith, she had love, she had God on her side.  The strength she showed up until the day she died was as contagious as the love she shared with all.

If you know someone who has dedicated their life to making a sick child's life better, please find a way to thank them for doing a job that takes someone with the strength of a dying child to do.  They also have to be brave and strong and positive and courageous.  The doctors, the nurses, the staff in our medical facilities, the volunteers, the parents, the siblings, the families and the friends that hang tough and believe, and hope, and pray for a cure.

Stay Strong
(follow this link and try not to shed a tear)

I love and miss you Gracie, with every beat of my heart.  

"Someday will never be soon enough"  :-)

~ Jett

 

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I Just Wish I Would Have Known

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. 

 ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Death has always been a huge part of my life.  As strange as that sounds to read out loud, it is a fact I would never try to deny or hide.  I stop short of saying death fascinates me, or consumes me, but I have spent a lot of time in the 5 stages of grieving for a soon to be 21 year old adult.  Most everything I have learned about life since the age of 14 has come from someone close to me dying.

I 100% understand the Circle of Life.  We are born to die and the fact of that matter is, we will all die.  As sure as God had a hand in planting the seed that gave us our first breath of life, he also will have a hand in when we will take our last breath of life.  Questioning someone's death does not mean I do not trust God, or lose faith in the promise of Eternal Life.  Just as I have learned a lot about life through the death of those I love, with each passing I learn more about faith, my own, and in general how it works.  I do not stop praying for one's well-being just because they have passed.  I pray for their souls and I pray they are resting in the peace of Heaven that they could not, or did not, achieve on earth.

Many of my friends, especially those in my age group, have always found it creepy that when someone passes on from life on earth to a life of Eternal happiness I visit them where they are laid to rest.  No one in my immediate family has ever been laid to rest in a cemetery.  My brother Jordy, our friend Mikey, and myself, took my brother Joey's ashes and let them blow in the wind over the Atlantic Ocean.  Jordy kept a few of the ashes and put them in a vial with the ashes of Jocelyn (our toddler sister who died), Jayson (our older brother who died) and the ashes of our mom when she died.  When our 'dad' died, in prison, we had him cremated.  We were allowed to put the vial with the ashes of the rest of our family in with him as he was being cremated.  (My brother did this to protect us, "He will go to hell and the ashes of the family he abused for all these years will protect us from him."  Not my belief at all, but as long as Jordy found comfort in that I wasn't going to disagree with him.)

The only place I can visit my siblings and my mom is in my heart.  There is no where to visit any of them on earth anymore, but that does not stop me from taking time out of my day to pray for their souls.  Since the death of my mom, everyone that I was close to that has passed has had the traditional funeral service.  Visitation the evening prior to the funeral service with a procession to the cemetery, then back to the death luncheon.  It has offered me a place to go visit and pray for their souls.  I enjoy that, and I wish I could visit my family like that, but that is not an option.

I visit Gracie the most at her place of rest.  Perhaps it's because I am still working on our book together, the story of her life in her words and the story of her death in mine.   I work on our book daily, I am always reading the things she wrote, the things she dictated to me to write.  The pinky promises we made, and the insight of one courageous eight year old girl, anxious to get to heaven and start her job as an angel guide.  Visiting her at the cemetery, where she was laid to rest, is where I find the inspiration to keep working on our book.  Her spirit motivates me to make the decisions I must in order to get her story right.  I often take her gifts, to set near her resting place.  Pink ribbons, little dolls, angel statues, and yellow post-it notes with a little message on them to her from me.  "I love you Gracie", "I miss you Gracie".  I've left cupcakes filled with angel cream, donuts filled with jelly, and other things she always liked to be treated with.  Gracie is still very much a part of my life, even though she has died.

Recently a grave marker was set in place for Gracie.  Two hearts that overlapped one another and a tiny heart that connects them securely.  A representation of her mommy and her daddy, kept together by her tiny heart that loved more then you would imagine.  A marker that clearly shows the future of her resting place where one day her daddy will lay rest to her right and her mommy will lay rest to her left. The circle of life will hold true one day for Gracie and her parents when they are all reunited beyond a breath of life.  Until that day they also will continue to visit their daughter, pray for her spirit as they try to stay connected to her soul.

As Pinky Promised to Gracie, I have kept in touch with her parents, Bill and Annie.  The three of us keep an eye out for each other. Some days it might be through a text simply asking 'how are things going ?" or 'I'm thinking of you'.   The three of us always claim to be doing well, but we know.  We know the pain is still with each of us and the love we had for little Gracie is stronger then ever.  We know when we hear that little laugh, see that ray of sunshine through a cloudy day, that Gracie is still with us in a bigger way then when she was with us down here on earth.  There is no hiding the sadness in our eyes, especially from each other.  There is no anger amongst us for the little white lie we tell when we say we are OK. 

Today I stopped by to see Bill and Annie, just for a few moments to give a hug and let them know they are still a huge part of my life.  The kindness they have shown towards me as a stranger to befriend their dying little girl, and to let me walk her final days on earth with her, and them, has been unmatched in my walk on earth.  The friendship that continues to grow between us is a gift Gracie gave us all when she exited earth.

I always sit in Gracie's bedroom, the one she redecorated to be the guest room before she passed so her parents would not have to decide what, if anything, they would do with it.  I remember the transformation from pretty pinks and purples to browns and greens.  When I sit in there I don't see the way it is now, I see it the way it was when I would visit Gracie at her home in her final weeks.  The room where so many pinky promises were made.  The room where I wrote down the stories Gracie told and wanted in our book.  The room where she stood at the window and waved as I arrived with a big smile and waved when I left, with the same size smile.  It pains me to sit in that room because I miss my little friend, but the memories she gave me from that room before she left are warm and heartfelt even to this day.

The closet has remained the same, and I know it always will for as long as Bill and Annie live in that house.  I laugh as I look at the figures she drew of me and Jordy and Mikey and Joey.  I was the fat one, the one you could hardly call a stick figure.  I remember arguing with her that Mikey was the fat one and her telling me that does not count because he is shorter and if we stretched him out long he would be skinner then me. To this day Mikey and I stand side by side comparing our thickness, trying to prove Gracie was right, or in my case, wrong.

After I left Bill and Annnie's I drove to visit Ceddy, his ashes thrown over Alana's grave.  I try to make sense of my anger towards him for leaving.  I miss Gracie, but I know she had to go.  There was no saving her from the cancer that overtook her tiny organs.  But Ceddy, he didn't have to go.  He was healthy and strong.  He had so much to live for.  He could have reached out to me but he chose to lie to me, hide his pain, die when he decided, by his own hand.  I cannot let go of the anger so I can find the peace I hope he is in.  I think about how he is where he wants to be, but not where his brothers want him.  I think about what he did to them, he took away not just himself from their lives, but his mom as well.  He doubled their sadness, their confusion, their anger.  I cannot wrap my mind around his decision, as hard as I try.

I try to answer Adrian's questions as best as I can for not having the answers myself.  I try to let Avery know he has to be the big brother now and Adrian needs him.  There's no instruction book on how to carry on when someone you love dies.  There's no guide to tell you that you are doing all the right things to move forward.  There is no voice to tell you it is not something you did, or said, or didn't do, or didn't say that made him want to leave.  There is no answer to the question about did he love me less than he did Alana that he wanted to go see her and not stay and be with me.

I didn't know Ceddy, and I know you didn't want me to know, but I will never forgive the friend in me that I wasn't too you in your time of need.  You can say all you want in that left behind journal how you lied to hide, but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter.  A friend, would have known, that a friend was in that deep of a hurt he didn't feel he had any other way out.  A friend would have known.  I should of know man, I should of know.

Family: Mattew 19:14 - Gracie's Daddy

It is a fifteen minute drive from Brookline to West Roxbury, destination St Joseph's Cemetery.  Beyond the wall that clearly marks this land as that of St Joseph Cemetery.  Along the road lined with big old trees that leads to thousands of headstones in this cemetery whose birth dates back to 1818.  To the left of the road that veers to the right beyond a freshly dug grave plot lies the marker of one of God's children called home before her life barely had begun.  This is the site of little Gracie's final resting place.  This is where her parents chose to rest her in peace.

It truly has to be every parents nightmare, to decide where to peacefully lay their child who was invited by God to his home before themselves.  Gracie's fate had long been decided and death was certain to reach her before she reached the age of nine.  Bill and Annie, Gracie's parents, were facing what would certainly be one of the toughest decisions of their lives.  Where would they bury their only child?  It is not a question most parents would ever have to ask themselves.  Bill and Annie were very young themselves and had no plan for their own deaths let alone one for their daughter.  While death is always certain, and very unpredictable, I don't think it is something anyone really plans for when they are in their twenty's.

Facing the demise of your young daughter has to be hard enough and then to have to decide where to lay her to rest and in what manner, would only add heartache to an already breaking heart.  I watched as Bill and Annie went through this difficult task.  Deciding to buy three plots, side by side by side, so that one day the markers would lay in a row, Bill to the right of Gracie and Annie to the left.  Their precious child would rest between them one day, when they themselves are called home to God.

Gracie's marker is in the shape of a heart which is truly reflective of who she was.  Her mission in her short life was to reach everyone's heart, to touch everyone's heart, to remind them you can never love enough to fill up the capacity of your entire heart.  An angel hangs over the top of the heart, to remind Bill and Annie of the angel who left them, but left her heart behind.  A beautiful marker tribute to their little girl gone from her earth's journey and now loving them from her journey beyond a breath of life. 

We invited Bill and Annie to spend Father's Day with us Misfits.  When the Misfits get together for a BBQ and touch football it's as if there has never been sadness in any of our lives.  The laughter and smiles are endless and the bonding just unfolds in a natural way.   I was extremely happy when Bill and Annie decided to join us.  My thoughts were simple, just because Gracie left earth did not mean Bill was no longer a father.  He is her daddy for life and that carries right into eternity.  Bill had every right to be honored on Father's Day, along with the rest of the fathers.  It goes without saying.  I felt that if I invited them over to Mikey's, along with all of us Misfits, he would be honored along with all the father's that day.

There were days when Gracie and I were together that we did nothing but sit in silence.  On some of those days Gracie worked on her portion of the story of her life.  In her little journal she titled "My Daddy" Gracie would write the most loving things to her daddy, as she did in the journal she titled "My Mommy" too.  One day when our book is published, you will see for yourself the love they held for each other.  Since the day Gracie left us to go be with God and all those that went before us I sit and read all the things Gracie wrote that one day she would like the world to know about the life of the little girl, before they read about the death that took her away.

On occasion I will take a post-it note (pink of course) that Gracie used to write a thought, or a note, that would be included in our book and give it to Bill or Annie.  Something to keep Gracie's smile in their heart, even if it made a tear drop from their eye, as it often does to me.  I felt Father's Day would be a great day to slip a note to Bill, a gift from his little princess who was now an angel of God.  I searched through several of her notes and the writings in her daddy journal.

I selected a one page 'open' letter from Gracie to her daddy. It was a thank you letter she wrote to him for the time she asked him for a daddy/daughter date.  I remember how excited Gracie was the day before their big date.  "I am going to wear my blue jeans with the sparkly pockets.  I am going to wear my new yellow shirt my Auntie Amy gave me.  I think I will wear my tan knit hat, I always like that one.  I hope I do not get to tired on my daddy date, I guess you should go now so I can get all my rest."  I was excited for the next time we would get together so she could tell me about her big date.  It was hard not to be excited for her, the way she carried on.

The note Gracie wrote and left for her daddy so that one day he would be reminded of the fun they had would bring tears to the eyes of even the most unsentimental person.  Words from the heart expressing to her daddy that were simple and brief yet so meaningful.  "The time we spent together on our special date seemed like it lasted a life time daddy, yet the minutes felt more like seconds to me.  It was the best time of my life!"  While that is just a portion of her thank you note, you get the picture of just what that time with her daddy meant to her.  What was fitting for this note to be handed to Bill on this Father's Day was the PS added to the already special message.

It brought tears to my eyes when I read the words written by such a sweet baby girl.  A little girl whose heart surely left this world so full of love for the short life she lived and the loved ones that surrounded her.  A little girl who knew she was leaving earth and joining 'God's team of angels' in the heavens above.  A little girl who P.S.'d her daddy to make sure he knew that even with her gone from his physical world, she thought he was the best dad ever.

When we passed the gifts we had for our 'dads' on this day we watched as they opened the work boots, the homemade cards, the ball caps, the polo shirts and the golf tees.  The big dad hugs and the big dad smiles on the day we honor them, acknowledging how much we need them in our lives.  With Bill and Annie sitting side by side, her hand on the center of his back, rubbing it with all the love she could give a childless father I hesitated handing him the little envelope with the big note in it left him months ago by the princess he lost to a world beyond a breath of life. 

I had to do this, for Gracie, she would want this for her daddy.  She would want him to have a reminder about the love for him she kept in her heart and for the love she left in his.  I passed the envelope to Bill as I watched him smile at all the father love being spread around the Misfit table.  I could see the sadness in his eyes, no doubt thinking about his little girl gone.  The longing for her little hugs, her big smile and her never ending giggles.  I watched as Bill opened the envelope and took out the little note with the neatly written letter to him along the lines on the paper.

Together they read the note in silence, with Annie's hand still placed on the center of Bill's back.  She was no longer rubbing his back as she was just moments ago but had stopped as if she was now feeling the beat of a very sad heart.  Tears filled their eyes as they continued to read.  A single tear rolled down the face of the daddy who was being honored by his child in heaven.  The silence that fell upon the Misfit Father's Day picnic was broken by our own little misfit princess Olivia, who looked up in the sky as she said "Gracie" as the big fluffy clouds rode by in a breeze above us.  Olivia clapped her hands together excitingly with the other misfit kids joining in.  It was as if Gracie needed her daddy to hear the applause of tiny little hands clapping together, celebrating his day.  It was typical Gracie, stopping by and making sure the hearts beating in that back yard were filling up with more love then we ever knew it could possibly hold.

Matthew 19:14 

But Jesus said, 

“Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for them to, such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Family: Just A Heartbeat Away

 "You know Jett, everyone you love and that loves you back

 is only ever just a heartbeat away from you."

"Even when the people you love are in heaven Gracie?"

"Well duh.  You get to take your heart with you when you go."

I have been missing the absence of Joey in my life since he took his last breath on earth, the breath beyond a breath of life, that landed his spirit and soul in the heavens above.  Today was one of those days I was just going to miss him the whole day long.  Every where I turned there was a reminder of Joey's time on earth. 

I woke up at 4am this morning from a dream I was having from back in the day.  I was dreaming of the time when Joey and I walked to our Aunt Shelia's house who lived on the same street as we did, Lemon Street.  Aunt Shelia lived exactly two blocks east of our house on Lemon Street.  Our cross street was Bushnell and her's was Seger.  Aunt Shelia is our Mom's sister and her husband is Bob.  Joey used to tell our Mom, "where going to visit Bob Seger".  Bob Seger was one of Joey's favorite artists, he and Mikey used to sit out back in the yard on Bushnell Ave, drink beer, and listen to and sing to Bob Seger tunes.  It used to make me laugh, of course lots of things Joey did used to make me laugh, he was a fun guy.  I always thought it was so cool that my Uncle Bob's house lined Seger street.  Simply for the fact that he was one of Joey's favorite singers.  Then again, I idolized my brother even more then he did the famous great singer, Bob Seger.

This particular day's stroll to Aunt Shelia's house has crossed my mind several times over the years.  I was ten and Joey was twenty.  The big brother letting the little brother hang with him.  He even specifically invited me to walk to Aunt Shelia's with him.  I didn't have to ask if I could tag along this time.  Joey hung down at Aunt Shelia's at least one day a week.  She ran a home daycare and he used to go help her do crafts with the little's.  Today I was going to help for the first time.

I cannot remember what day it was, what date it was, or even the month.  I remember it was warm and it was during the summer.  Aunt Shelia always had more kids to watch during the summer months.  I cannot remember what craft project we even helped with.  What I can remember is the smiles on the faces of the kids we helped that day.  It was the first time I would witness Joey working with kids so little and they loved him beyond words.  When I think of this day I remember how on that day I thought, wow, these kids feel happiness when Joey is around.  The same happiness I feel when Joey comes around the Bushnell house to spend time with me.

So this morning when I woke up after that dream of Joey in my life, being the great big brother he was to me, I decided to just go for a jog, in the mist of a rain.  IPOD loaded up and the first song that plays is THAT OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL by none other then Bob Seger (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9O-11bwa-b0).  The song I used to hear Joey and Mikey sing and and dance to in the backyard at Bushnell Ave as I watched them from my bedroom window.  I have a few of Seger's songs loaded on my IPOD, mostly because they were Joey's favorites.  I smiled as I recalled my dream and how ironic it was that I was now listening to this song.

It would not end there, these sudden visual reminders of the days when Joey was still on God's earth with us.  One thing after another all day long.  The more I saw, the more I remembered, the more I missed him.  As I jogged around the corner of the high school I saw a tall curly haired kid jogging across in front of me.  Tall, like Joey. Curly hair, like Joey.  I smiled, again, thinking about him.  When I turned around to head back home I had to stand at the corner for a second, as a little black truck passed through the intersection.  A nicer looking little black truck then Joey's old beat up little black truck, but non the less, another reminder of the brother that now lives a heartbeat away at all times.

Moment after moment, time after time, these reminders were popping up around me.  It was not upsetting to me at all, in fact, it just made me smile more.  When I got home tonight I was thinking about Sunday, Father's Day, and if I was ready with everything I had planned for Jake, my dad.  I thought about Joey and how much of life on earth he was missing out on. The nieces and nephews he would never meet until their last breaths on earth were inhaled, and exhaled.  The kids that Joey would never have, making him a father.  I thought about those kids on Lemon and Seger back in Sioux City IA, how much love Joey had for them and they returned to him.  I know Joey would make one great father to many kids someday, had God not chosen him to bring home to him so soon.

Honestly, this day gave me new hope in that one day I will marry and have a family.  That I will be a great father to my children. Not because my birth dad was a great example of what a dad should be to his children.  But because Joey loved kids and I know he would not have made the same poor choices in life when it came to raising a family.  My brother Jordy is a great dad to Miss Olivia and Miss Jaci.  Mikey is a great dad to Miss Abbey and Miss Izzy, to Channing (Bonkz) and Jimmy (Dude).  I am surround by great fathers on earth, including Bill, who is Amazing Grace's father.  Even though she is in heaven now, he still adores her and misses her like any father would.  Uncle Bob is a great father to Kaylee and Kyle and loves them big.  Then there is Jake.

Jake.  My dad.  The man who never fathered a child, yet raised me for the last six years as if I were his own.  The man who never thought twice about sacrificing things in his life to make sure my needs were met.  The man who has me wanting for nothing and needing even less.  The man who promised Joey that he would take care of his little brother and never let either one of them down.  Jake, my dad, my hero, my mentor and my friend.

Wishing all father figures in the world a blessed day on Sunday.  Thank you for seeing beyond your wants and needs and making sure the sons and daughters in your world know they are loved.  Your selfless ways are surely duly noted at the pearly gates, where God will welcome you with open arms, for providing a guiding hand in the lives of His children on earth.  God Bless your hearts and souls, for because of you, His Kingdom will have no end. ~ Jett 

Amazing Grace: For The Love Of Gracie

When you miss me just look up to the night sky and remember,

 I’m like a star; sometimes you can’t see me, but I’m always there.

~ Gracie

May 27, 2012

A date I will forever remember as the date I lost my littlest friend.  The short three plus months I walked Gracie's journey with her as she faced a certain death at the hands of brain cancer were the days I learned the most about life, and death.  I had grown closer to Gracie in the short time we spent together then I have to some of the people that have been in my life since I was eight years old.

As hard as it was to say my final goodbye to Gracie before she would begin her journey in heaven, I knew she was confident in her faith in God and comfortable in his reward waiting for her in His Kingdom.  Such a young child of God, finishing her journey on earth with the Grace she let God give her.  Such a strong faith in the afterlife for a little girl who had dreams of one day going to college and marrying the man who would love her forever.  The same eight year old girl playing with Barbie's and tormenting me was the same little girl who lived her short life with more love for God then most adults ever would before their own last breath of life on earth arrived.

Gracie and I had many things in common for two people who grew up in different worlds.  We shared old souls, deep faith, and big hearts.  It wasn't until the day she passed that I realized from the day we met Gracie started to prepare me for the day we would say good-bye.  She was that great of a friend to me.  She cared that deeply for me.  She loved me that much.

There has not been one day in the last year that has gone by without Gracie being on my mind and in my heart.  I continue to work on all the "pinky promises" that we made together.  I continue to sift through all the notes I took during the times we spent together.  I work on the book she wanted me to write in her words, as well as the book I will one day publish in my words, laying out the final three months of her journey, before she took her final breath of life on earth.

I have sat and pondered for many days how to put into words that the world could understand how much I miss Gracie and the long for the days we sat together laying out her short life so that one day I can give the world the story of her journey.  It has been frustrating to not be able to relay in written words how heavy my heart has been with her gone from the physical world.  As an aspiring journalist I find it very sad that I cannot express this pain to those that have chosen to follow my blogs relating to Gracie.

"Jett, look into my eyes and tell me what you see"  are the words that keep coming back through my mind as I try to express my longing for having Gracie back on earth with me.  It reminded me of the many times we played this little game with each other.  Sitting across from each other staring into each others eyes, describing what we see through them, deep into the depths of each others souls.  I laughed when I thought about the day my friends Geo and Tommy rode with me to Gracie's house so she could say good-bye to them properly, knowing she would never see them again.  How as we set around the table she sat in front of each one of us, on the table, reading their eyes for the last time.  How she told Geo she could see he was going to marry Kaylee, his girlfriend, and they were going to have babies.  When she scooted herself around  the table to sit in front of Tommy and he refused to open his eyes because 'I don't want you to see babies in my future'.

Today if Gracie looked into my eyes she would see tears.  Eyes filled with little beads of salted tear drops that came directly from a heart, bleeding drips of sadness.  Sadness for the little eight year old child that taught a nineteen year old young man that life is not about quantity.  Life is about the quality of each breath you take, and each breath you exhale.  The child that taught that young man that friendships  do take a life time to build, and in the short months I knew her, our friendship would last a life time.  It just so happened that it would reach beyond the physical world and extend on into the spiritual world.

The lessons of life Gracie taught me keeps me going strong in my own journey.  It does not come without many hours of grieving for her death, or longing to be with her again  It does not come without tears and sadness.  My security blanket in life is the memories of the good times I shared with all the people I loved who are now angels above me. 

Gracie, my sweet little angel in the heavens above me, I know God placed you in my life for reasons I may never understand, but of this I am certain.  Sharing the final months of your life with you has made me a better person, a better Christian, and a better friend to those still near me.  I love you as big as my eyes can see, and as deep as my soul can reach.  I feel your wings in the wind around me, I hear your giggle in the silence of the night air.  I feel your love where ever I am.  I see you feet hanging over the side of the fluffiest cloud in the sky.  I love you Gracie, and I miss you like crazy. ~ Jett

Amazing Grace 47: DEAR GRACIE IN THE HEAVENS ABOVE ...

Philippians 1:3

"I THANK MY GOD IN ALL MY REMEMBRANCE OF YOU"

Dear Little Gracie, my Angel in Heaven,

God's Grace continues to fill me with hope of everlasting life as my journey on earth continues even though yours has reached beyond a breath of life.  Last night my routine was broken when my internet server failed me in my attempts to blog.  I was in a very dark place and not very happy with the interruptions of my plans.  I laid in bed with a bit of anger flowing through my veins.  As I tried to clear my mind from everything that was negative in it at this time thoughts of our time together writing your story, my story, OUR story fell upon me.

I got out of bed, went to the journals we built upon together and hauled everything you and I shared back to my bed and spread them out to take a look at where I was in our paper journey together, mine from earth and yours from the heavens above.  As I sifted through the blogs and pictures and poems we wrote I could feel you with me, turning my mood around.  I smiled, I laughed, and I cried as I held close the memories we shared.  I picked up the little pink journal you wrote all our pinky promises in, listed in order as we made them, one pinky promise swear at a time.  I held that little pink journal tight to my heart, almost as if I could push it inside and get close to you and the moments we shared.

The tears that fell from my eyes closed so tight, trying to turn back time, were warm as they rolled down my cheeks.  As I wiped them from my face and felt the stubble of whiskers from my day I smiled as I thought about all the times you told me to shave.  You didn't ask, you bossed.  That was our way.  I released the tight grip I had on that pink journal as I pulled it away from my heart to open it up to read our promises to each other.  Opening it up to a random page I read "make sure you take care of my mommy and daddy and I will make sure I find your mommy and take care of her for you".  I remember the visit that promise was made and how we talked about how when your final breath was taken here, your next breath would be taken in heaven as you sat next to Joey who you told me over and over again was waiting for you to be your angel guide. 

Sifting through those pages of promises in your hand writing was as painful as it was rewarding.  The tears that fell as I read were little pings of pain falling out of my heart last night.  Promise after promise, as I read each word, brought back memories that were sad reminders of a little girl who filled my heart with more love then I could possibly give back to the little heart whose beats would soon fade as she was lifted up beyond earth, through space, landing in the home she would never have to abandon again.

My hands trembled as I sat down the pink promise journal and picked up the notebook we used when I asked you the questions I had for you and wrote the answers down you gave me.  "What scares you the most about knowing that you will one day be gone from earth?" was my question.  "I am not afraid to die Jett, I know God will let me live with him.  It does not scare me to die." I remember very clearly the talk we had after that question because it was the first time we talked about God.  I was in awe of the eight year old little girl sitting next to me answering that tough question with so much faith in life beyond the world.  As I read through that book and the answers you gave to the questions I would ask you I realized I was still in awe of the deep faith and love you had for God and his plan for you.  I remember thinking about how you told me you were not afraid to die, but I was certainly scared of you leaving.

I read on to a point where I asked you on one of our 'interview' visits, "if you could have one wish Gracie, what would you wish for?" Your answer was not what I expected it to be, but as I got to you know as we spent more time together it became understandable when you replied "that no one else ever has to die of cancer like I am going to".  Again, sadness filled up inside of me, pushing out warm tears that ran down my face as if it were just moments ago we said our final goodbye to each other here on earth.  As I pushed the tears of sadness away and the warm tears touched the palms of my hands I thought about how when I cried because of you the tears were warm, all others times I cry in sadness they are cold.  I smiled as the thought of your warmth within my heart, releasing tears warmed by your touch from so many clouds away.

I stopped in to check on your parents today on the way home from campus.  Pulling into that driveway and looking at the window straight ahead of me that I often saw you standing at peering out waiting for me to arrive for a visit seemed lonely.  Walking up the steps to the porch and standing at the door that had you standing on the other side smiling to me as you turned the lock, teasing me about how you were not allowed to let strangers in saddened my heart today.  Sitting in the room visiting with your parents brought back fond memories of how we used to sit and watch Footloose together, play barbies in, and continue to write your story together felt empty to me today.

When your parents and I went into the room you spent your last days in it did not feel the same liveliness in it as when we sat and sang songs or colored together.  Once I opened up that closet where you left all those great drawings and words it once again came to life.  I sat in that closet today enjoying all the life you left behind.  The rainbows, the drawings, the hand prints, the personal messages.  Every time I visit that shrine you made I see something else I never saw before.  Like today, when I saw that little lipstick kiss you put on my hand print that you outlined.  I never noticed before that you took a pink pencil and colored the outline of your little kiss that would leave a lasting impression on that piece of art. 

I miss you Gracie, every second of every day I miss you as much as I miss Joey and my Mom.  I find comfort in thoughts of you all together keeping the rest of us here moving along in life.  I love working on our story of your life and relishing in the moments you shared with me.  When I miss your smile I close my eyes and remember the grins.  When I miss your laugh I open my ears and hear your laugh in the laughter of others around me.  I miss everything about you that we shared in our breathes on earth.  I long for the day where we will lay together on a cloud and drift around shining down on the lives left below.

TURN TURN TURN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHvf20Y6eoM

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

I love you Gracie, I miss you!

Amazing Grace 46: Grace's Sunday Blessing

I don't know how I ended up at the Children's Hospital today but sometimes you find yourself in the right place, even if you don't know how you got there.  I had just left Sunday mass where I sat for over an hour thinking about my little Amazing Grace and the absence of her in my life now.  It's not that I don't miss her everyday, but for some reason the last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about the time we shared together in the final days of her life on earth.  Several times in the past two weeks I have talked to and seen her parents, Bill and Annie. 

They always tell me they are doing well, express how much they miss her, and how grateful they are to God to have had her in their life even if only for such a short time.  I always respond to that on how much I miss Gracie, how alive I keep her in my heart, and how thankful I am to them for allowing me to spend time with Gracie in the final months of her life.

However, the eyes always reveal the inner truth that the heart and the mind so easily hide.  I look at Bill and I can almost see his sad heart through the eyes that no longer hold the sparkle I witnessed when he was playing with his little princess even in the final days of her life.  Annie's eyes reveal even more of a deep sadness for the child she watched slowly slip away from the life she had planned out for her.  I see the sadness in her eyes as she tries to shield it from me with her smile.  In the months since Gracie has left us I still see the struggle they face in their lives, missing the gift God gave them, and then took away.

Searching for the reasoning behind God's plan for our lives is sometimes cumbersome when we hang on to the sadness and anger that invade our hearts when it is ripped open.  Time heals all wounds is a phrase you often hear from others trying to comfort those who have been physically injured, or from wounds to the heart when loved ones have passed.  The problem I have with this whole time heals all wounds phrase when it comes to a broken heart is that as the heart heals it traps in the pain we are experiencing often causing lingering pain and suffering stuffed into our very sad hearts.

I still cry often, missing those who have died and left me behind.  No matter how many years pass that they have been gone the pain never fades.  It becomes more tolerable as time moves on, but the pain still exists.  We find things that help to ease the pain and the loss, never replacing the loved one, but occupying more of our time.  Gracie was a diversion that occupied my heart, easing the pain.  EASING the pain, because what I learn as I go is the pain will never leave me when it comes to missing the company on earth of the loved ones gone.  I opened my heart to Gracie and I loved her as if she were mine.  And then she was gone from my life but not from my heart.  As my broken heart healed from losing her to eternity it captured the pain and sadness inside, where she lives as a constant reminder to me that God is in control and God has a plan for all of us.  The pings of pain that shoot out from my heart are a gentle reminder that death begins when we are given life, and in death eternity holds our spirit and our soul in another light far from the pain and suffering we carry with us on our walk on earth.

So today when I found myself walking the halls of the Children's Hospital, not knowing what I was searching for, a light began to shine in my heart and I could feel a sparkle in my eyes.  As I walked the halls going from room to room, visiting sick children and the parents whose eyes were holding a sadness that tells their story I knew why I was here.  Gracie sent me there, to fill my heart with more love then I could ever imagine it holding.  I made a quiet promise to myself that after Gracie died I would never put myself in the position to ever become emotionally attached to anyone again whose life on earth would end too soon.  It was too painful, even though I felt the pleasure of a new friendship with someone with so much faith in God's plan would outshine any pain left behind, I decided it was just too hard to walk the final days on earth with those preparing to leave for a life of eternity.

In talking to Pastor Jill recently our conversation took us down the path of  life and life after death.  We talked about the pain I carry in my heart for Joey who knew his fate long before the rest of us believed that his death was becoming a reality.  We talked about the pain of letting my mom go, removing her from all life support machines and letting her decided if she would stay with us, or go rest in her eternity.  We talked about all the people who have touched my life and since have moved on to their next journey beyond a breath of life on earth.  We talked about Gracie and how a child so young and so sick, knowing she would soon be gone, could hold  onto so much faith and believe that God would accept her into His Kingdom.

Pastor Jill and I agreed that without sadness and pain in our lives there would have been no happy heart filled times with people who loved us as strong as we have loved them.  Without friendships and love, there would be no pain and suffering.  So if you want to enjoy one, you have to endure the other.  So to be void of a broken achy heart I would not have ever had the joy of spending time with loved ones.  Today I know that is not an option.  For it truly is a blessing to have loved and lost then to never have loved, or been loved.

I met so many kids and their parents today as I walked those halls.  Children in all areas for various reason as why they are patients there.  Some are short term patients and some will never leave.  Children of all ages, from infant to teen years.  Children of various shapes and sizes and ages.  To put a label on them collectively you could call them Children Of God.  I walked from room to room and stopped when the circumstance allowed me to visit the occupants.  Most it was a simple "hello" followed by a five minute or less conversation, a few hugs, a few handshakes, a few kisses on the heads of the babies that were sleeping.  Many smiles were returned by parents of these children who seemed grateful for a visit by a stranger who was still searching for his reason to even be there.  The older kids, those in their teens, were longer visits as I engaged them in conversation and they were eager to have me sit and visit them for a longer period of time.  A couple of teenage boys in particular seemed to enjoy the company of a kid nearer their age with more in common with them they expected.

I am very much faith based in my walk on earth, and while I do not preach or push my beliefs on others I always engage others in a conversation that lets them know my faith and belief in God and invite them to share theirs with me.  I have learned more about my own religion by being opened minded to what others believe in.  I have so much faith in what I believe that I am not fearful of others sharing their journey with me.  Leaving each room today as I bid farewell to those I visited my final words were the same to each "God bless you in this leg of your journey".

I entered a room with a young man I believed to be around 16 or 17 laying in his hospital bed void of any sunlight or sound.  I almost went right by this room as I walked down the hall but as I passed I looked inside and saw him laying there, eyes open and staring straight up at the ceiling.  I invited myself in and approached him with a hello.  He turned to look at me but did not respond to my greeting.  I could see the sadness in his eyes and I also got the feeling that he wanted to be left alone.  I turned to leave in the silence he lived in with the parting words of "God bless you in this leg of your journey".   As I excited the door of his room I heard his voice.  "God does not exist in the world I come from."  I continued to walk another couple steps before I had to turn back and peek into that door again.  "He exists in my world and may his everlasting light shine on you in your time of sadness".   He responded rather quickly, "If he wanted his light to shine on me I would not be laying here today".

OK, I thought, I will latch on to this hook he baited with his lack of faith in himself.  I invited myself into his room and stood next to his bed.  We had a great conversation that lasted for a little under an hour.  His name is Brandon and he turned 17 this past September.  He was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) ten days ago.   He was playing football with his friends when he was tackled and broke his leg.  Through that medical emergency came the news about his AML.  Although it will be a long road of medical treatments, Brandon will survive.   We swapped stories of broken bones, girlfriends, overbearing parents, homework and our futures beyond education.  We talked about our families and friends.  We talked about the holidays and family traditions.  We laughed as we shared stories of the jokes we played on our siblings and he got some great ideas from me about how to play tricks on your dad.

What we did not talk about was religion, faith, God and life in the Christian world.  I pushed no buttons and opened no doors in Brandon's world.  He never asked what brought me to this hospital or to his room.  I offered no background history on my experiences with death or the cancer world.  When I felt Brandon was getting tired and needed to rest I simply stood up, walked over to his room window and pulled up the blinds.  "What are you doing?", he would ask.  "Letting God's light shine on you in your time of sadness", I responded.  Next I walked over and grabbed the remote and turned on a Christmas show.  "Now what are you doing?", he asked.  "Leaving you with some joyful noise that will warm your heart", I told him.  "What next?", he wanted to know.  "I don't know, I'll think of something.  Nice to meet you Brandon, I'll stop by in a couple of days in case you miss me", I said as I walked out of his room and headed down the hall.

As I walked towards the exit I ran into a priest.  "Father, in room 216 there's a kid named Brandon.  We were just talking and I would appreciate it as much as he would if you could stop in and bless his day full of Grace."  I continued to walk out of that hospital with a smirk that would make my misfit brothers proud of how I just pushed the button of a kid who plays the same brotherly games with each other as we do. 

Happy Sunday Gracie!  Thank you for guiding me today in a new journey.  Continue to bless me with the love you left in my heart as I work on filling up the empty spaces to hold more friendships and love then I ever thought it could.  I love and miss you Gracie but I know you are only a memory away from me.  

Hugs, Jett (the boy with the funny name who misses the life out of you!)

Gracies Love Story

 This is the story of a little girl whose own Love Story would never be found so she adopted the Love Story of her mommy and daddy.  I remember this conversation with Gracie as if it happened an hour ago.  I miss this this little girl so much and I am happy to have her as an angel above me.

Gracie:  My daddy saw my mommy and in his heart he knew he had to find a way to marry her.  The first time he saw her his heart told him so.  The first time he kissed her, her eyes told him so.  The day he married her he told her if she ever stopped loving him his heart would stop beating all together.  Everyday before they were married they never went to sleep before they told each other they loved each other.  When my daddy asked her to marry him he said to her 'You are such a beautiful princess.  Would you like to marry this toad and turn him into a prince?"  My mommy said 'ribbit' which is toad for yes.  They are living happily ever after and their love will never die.

We grow up. We fall in love.  We build a life together and slowly we build upon that love and nurture it and enjoy the things that make it grow.  Then things happen that make our hearts ache and we search and search for an answer in how we can get that love back.  That love, in fact, has never lessened.  We let things clog up our hearts and cloud up our sight into the love we have inside of us.  It makes us feel like what we felt back then was not what we thought it was.  Whether as a couple you are struggling to find that lost love, or someone who due to the death of a love one may be afraid to love again, there is somewhere you can go to figure out how to repair the ache you feel inside your heart.

The memories made and planted deep inside us will bring to light the past we miss.  It's usually the last place we visit in our struggles in life but the first place we should.  Memories, good and bad, are what helps us make our future decisions.  They also shed light on how we got to where we are today.  They help us remember why we chose the paths we did.  Often times they can help us get back on that path by reminding us what we have to lose that we swore we could not live without.

One of the early conversations I had with my little angel Gracie was how her parents met.  Her story was cute and charming and in an eight year old girls eyes was what fairy tales are made of.  I also visited with her parents, Bill and Annie, to get a better picture of how Gracie's life came to be.  I came to the conclusion that although Gracie's story was close to how her parents became a couple, it really was a love story that represented closely the story told by Gracie.

Bill:  I first met Annie on her seventeenth birthday.  My family happened to be at the same restaurant her family was at celebrating her birthday.  The moment I saw her my heart not only skipped a beat, it picked up a rhythm of its own that told me there was something special about this girl.  I turned to my brother Bobby and made the statement, "I am going to marry that girl someday."   Bobby laughed it off as he said,  "You're only seventeen, you've never went out with a girl more then once."   I asked the hostess to seat our party of four near where her family was sitting which contained a party of eight.

Annie:  I was with my parents, my sister, and both sets of my grandparents, celebrating my seventeenth birthday.  To be honest with you, I never noticed who was sitting at the tables around us, I was just enjoying the time with my family.  I first noticed Billy when the staff appeared at our table with a birthday cake with a single candle on it and begun to sing happy birthday to me.  There were probably six waiters standing around all in uniform, then there was this guy standing with them in a Red Sox Tee-Shirt and a faded pair of blue jeans.  It was like a photo captioned 'one of these items is out of place'.

Bill:  I saw the staff moving towards Annie's table and decided I would stand up with them and sing happy birthday to her.  I did not think she had noticed me before and I was sure this would capture her attention.  When the song was over and the staff walked away I was left standing at their table.  I wished the birthday girl happy birthday and introduced myself.  Before I went back to my table and took my seat I looked at Annie and all her beauty and said, "I just wanted to express to you how happy I hope your life is when you marry the man who will love you for the rest of your life".

Annie:  I remember my sister poking fun at Billy when he walked away from our table after wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he hoped my life was happy when I met the love of my life.  I felt my face turn red when he spoke to me and I remember my father asking me "do you know that boy?"  I also remember thinking 'no, I do not know that boy but I sure would like to see what he is all about'.  It was difficult to engage myself into more family conversation after Billy introduced himself to me.  I was so disappointed that I had already made my wish when I blew out my candle.  My wish was that my gift from my grandparents would be a shiny new car, like the one the four of them bought my sister on her seventeenth birthday two years ago.  I wanted that wish back, because more than a car, I wanted that boy to find a way to find me once I left that restaurant.

Bill:  I was anxious as I sat there waiting for her party to leave, unsure of how I could make sure this was not over before it had a chance to start.  As they walked by our table I noticed Annie and her sister dragging slowly behind the six adults they had arrived with.  As she passed she stopped briefly to thank me for the birthday wishes.  I grabbed a pen and took her hand.  Palm side up I wrote my cell number in the middle of her palm.  I told her, "call me when you can't stop me from lingering in your mind". 

Annie: I about fated when he grabbed my hand and wrote his number in my palm.  I closed that palm tight as I walked away from him smiling as if it might slip out of my grip, even though it was written on the skin itself. My sister, Jennifer, teased me the entire way home about the boy who flirted with me that night.  My father was a bit disturbed about the boldness of that young man who dared to interrupt our family dinner.  My mom saw the spark in my eyes and told my father she thought he was a very nice polite young man.  I just thought he was cute and he was paying attention to me and he was lingering on my mind.

Bill:  I never expected for Annie to actually call me, although she was on my mind the rest of the entire evening.  Why I did not think to ask her for her number was something I felt I would regret the rest of my life.  The girl that made my heart skip a beat when I first laid eyes on her, made it miss a beat when she walked out that door.

Annie:  I did text Billy that night, telling him, "You are still lingering on my mind.  Annie." 

Bill:  We met on Annie's seventeenth birthday and on her eighteenth birthday we were married.  June 1, 2002.  I married the girl that first made my heart skip a beat and she's been making it skip since that first time I laid my eyes on her.

Annie:  Billy has always told me that the day he first saw me his heart started a rhythm that beat to the tune of every love song ever written.  I can truthfully say that my heart beats stronger everyday we have each other.  I cannot imagine a life without the man who will love me for the rest of my life.

Bill and Annie:  I am just a kid who believes in one love, one marriage.  I haven't been through what you have been through in the tragedy of losing your beautiful eight year old daughter on May 27th of this year.  I can only imagine the difficulty in being such a young couple with a lot of life ahead of them, trying to figure out how to move forward in your grief.   I can attest to the pain of losing a loved one that you never expected would never be with you until the end of your time on earth.  I know that pain never leaves and the search continues on for ways to find relief from that pain, if even for a moment.  I would encourage you to hold onto your faith and trust that God has a plan that will be much greater then the pain.  Never let go of the memories that are the foundation of what you mean to each other.  You will get through this and you will come out stronger in your love for one another.  We cannot turn back the hands of time and we cannot push those hands of time any faster than the beat of our hearts.  We can, however, utilize the time we are in to rebuild our trust in God, our trust in each other, and our trust in ourselves.  

Gracie: Don't worry my little angel in heaven, we got this.  Spread those tiny wings and blow your angel dust upon us.  Love and miss you Gracie!

Amazing Grace 44: A Letter Delivered To Heaven, via a sad boys heart ...

Hi Gracie!

In a few days it will be three months since you left us and went to heaven.  It feels like just yesterday we were making pinky promises and laughing about your tormenting text messages to me from your mom;s cell phone.  Sometimes when my cell peeps telling me its a message I hold my breath for a second or two hoping it will say "Annie's Cell" and all of this is just a dream and you are still with us.

 I talk to your mom and daddy at least once a week even if it's for a short five minutes.  It is getting easier to stay in contact with them but it makes me miss you that much more.  They are doing really well Gracie, I know you are proud of them.  Your mom goes and visits the twin girls once a week to hold them and sing to them.  Little Dude still calls your mom 'Gracie's mommy', I hope he never stops that.  He does not get the whole death and heaven scene, and still asks when Grandma Shirley is coming home.  You remember me talking about Grandma Shirley, my mom who died last November. I am sure you have already visited with her up in heaven.  I hope you remembered to give her my message.  Your daddy still has a lot of sadness in his eyes from missing you but he is doing great taking your mom out and living it up, just like you told him to do.  My dad and your daddy go out for beers every so often.  Remember when you asked me to buy you a six pack?  Man were you ever mad at me for not letting you try a beer before you left us.  Then you made me pinky promise to buy one on what would be your 21st birthday and drink it.

Last month I went camping with Carlos and his Mom and her family.  You remember Carlos right?  His little brother was killed in a bicycle accident a few months before school was let out.  He asked me questions about heaven and we decided that you are probably already helping Manny find their daddy.  We belly laughed for about 5 minutes, really loud, so you would hear him enjoying life on earth and it would make you and Manny smile.  I told him about the night your mom and daddy and you and me laid on the living room floor and belly laughed until our belly's ached.  We had a fun weekend and before he goes back to school in a couple weeks we are going to hang for a while and get one more belly laugh in before we both get busy with school activities.

Remember my really really ugly friend George?  He text me just the other day to tell me he was thinking of you and had said a short prayer that your mom and daddy were hangin' tough, just like you did the last few months of your life on earth.  I still tell him how much you must have really loved me, to be so nice to him just because he was my friend despite all his ugliness.  (I know you're laughing at that right now.)  Last time Geo and I visited Olivia she was playing with the barbies you had given her.  I know you visit her Gracie, and I cannot prove that it is you showing yourself to her, but I know in my heart you are her "special little invisible friend".  Thank you for that Gracie, I knew you would be her little guardian angel.

I visited the Cancer Center today for a couple hours.  I finally made it inside the building after all the times I sat in the parking lot to emotional to go in.  It brought back a lot of happy memories for me, as well as some very sad ones.  Some of the nurses remembered me as the boy with the funny name Jett.  That always makes me laugh because that is the very first thing you called me when we first met.  I visited some very sick kids Gracie, just like you said I should.  I read to some of them and I played cars with a little guy there and I visited with some of the parents for a while.  It was probably one of the hardest things I embarked on since you left.  I walked by 'your room' several times and even though someone else is now calling it their room, I could not bring myself to go in.  I did not even look inside that room Gracie, it was just too painful.  I am glad that I went today because it was one of our pinky promises I did not think I would ever keep.  I did not cross it off my Pinky Promise list yet, because I feel I should go back again and again until I can face those halls free of the sadness it has put in my heart.

I know in my heart you and Joey visited me earlier in the week when I was sick with my  headache.  It gave me comfort that you were with him because that told me you are out of God's park and in His house!  I miss you still Gracie, very much, every day.  I trust God's plan for you and although I am not angry He took you from us I still wish we had more time together to work on your story.  I write in my journal almost every night putting your words into the story of your courageous life.  Our Amazing Grace blogs are still being read on a daily basis and we are still getting new BFF's (Blog Following Friends) daily.  Your precious short life has reached every United State and many countries over seas.  Keeping up with the emails, messages and tweets is difficult to do but it is something I will not let go by the wayside.  Together we blogged your journey and one day it will be in print with my story of your journey behind it in a beautiful book celebrating your beautiful life on earth.

I miss you Gracie.  I love you.  Thank you for staying in my heart long after you walked into His house of peace.  Thank you for a lifetime friendship that was short on earth but will last an eternity in heaven.  Your strength and courage in transitioning from life on earth to beyond a breath of life is inspiring and encouraging that no matter what I face while I am on my journey here, it will be worth the wait to one day be invited into the Kingdom of God.

Big Hugs, Lots of Smiles, Pinky Promises Unbroken,

I love you Amazing Grace!  from the boy with the funny name, Jett

Amazing Grace 43: A Walk In The Park

It's probably nothing compared to the park Gracie went to a few short weeks ago, but Boston Public Garden is one of the most beautiful parks you can access when you just want to chill in the world.  When Gracie first told me about God's Park, where she would wait until my brother Joey came to get her to take her to God and spend her eternal life with him in Heaven, I found much comfort in the journey to Heaven she would be taking. 

I also found comfort in my heart that perhaps all my family and friends that have taken that step into their final journey home found peace with-in themselves as they sat in God's Park waiting for their invitation into the most holiest places you can be.  Most of us know this resting place that Gracie referred to as God's Park as Purgatory, which the bible references as the place you go when you die in grace to work out the remaining purification of your soul until it is believed by God you are ready to enter into eternal life with him.

My personal belief about Purgatory is that the less time you spend there the sooner you will join your loved ones in eternity.  I believe the closer you are to God on earth, the less purification of your soul will be required to go to Heaven from God's Park.  We all have goals in life, mostly so we can live in the moment.  I have many small goals I need to accomplish so I can reach my main goal.  I work hard to obtain all my goals and I have people who work with me to keep me focused and on track. 

As my journey on earth continues, year by year, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I realize every second I breathe my ultimate goal is to get to eternity.  Today as I walked in the park with our family friend Maggie I thought a lot about Gracie and the short time she had on earth.  She was not even nine years old but she taught me so much about life that I will never be able to match her strength and courage in the breaths she took while walking her journey on earth. 

The hours I spent visiting with Gracie will never replace the seconds I now live without her.  There was not a day went by that when I visited with her I did not learn a life lesson.  Most of those lessons I am just now coming to realize what they meant to me and my future.  Today my thoughts about Gracie and her words about God and God's Park and Heaven have me deep in thought about what life's goals should truly be.  Maggie and I talked about this as we walked along the paths in the park surrounded by the beauty that God allows us to see if we just look with the right amount of faith in all he has to offer us on earth.

"Nothing in life will ever be as free and feel as right as accepting God's love into your life and sharing it with those people who surround you", Maggie offered me.  We had stopped and sat on a bench for a few moments, giving in to the smell of the flowers that a gentle breeze was bringing to life with a sweet aroma as if someone had walked by us, leaving behind a scent of nature.  I knew what she was saying and I agreed. You can obtain anything on earth that you wish to have if you work hard enough, and long enough, to save the money to get it.  But the things that will carry you to eternal life with God are free.  A kind word, a warm touch, a hug, a smile.  Family, friends, faith.  Free.  All of those things are given away for free, and it cost nothing to accept them.  They are the very things that will get you through life, get you into God's Park, and earn you an invitation into Heaven.  They are the very things that make Heaven, well, Heaven.

The only things I can see being just as free as those things, but make you feel better, would be to seek out those on earth that for some reason cannot find a kind word, or a warm touch, or a hug, or even a smile.  Perhaps they have no family, no friends, no faith.  Perhaps they do not realize these things are free, all you have to do is give them, and be willing to accept them. 

Living life is not always going to be a walk in the park and there will be some days where we will may feel everything we want, or everything we get, will be enough to burn the happiness candle inside of us forever.  There will be days when we are unwilling to give, or accept, the free things in life that others have to offer to us, or may need from us.  There will be days when our minds slip and we think only about the goals we have here on earth and forget about the goal of eternal life with God in his Kingdom.  Think of those as our days in Purgatory, where we will relive those moments on earth when we felt we were undeserving, or over deserving.

I am reminded of Gracie who had to deal with the horrible purification of a terminal brain cancer on earth to get to God's Park, so she could get to Heaven.  She had a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind, and a beautiful soul.  Nothing material was as important to her as her leaving her loved ones behind in the best possible condition she could in handling her loss.  Leaving them with so many great memories to hold onto as they continue their journey's on earth without her.  Freely giving them hugs and smiles and plenty of attitude to keep them laughing so they would not cry.  Bringing together her family, friends, and even strangers to share their faith in what should be the one goal all living beings have in common here on earth ... to reach Heaven by way of Purgatory where they will sit and ponder what was truly free on earth, and what price they paid for the things that were not free.

A walk in the park is free, as is the beauty you open your eyes too.  You and God are the only two that truly know what your heart holds, and how you distribute the free things in life.  You can fool almost anyone you want to as you take your walk in the park, but personally I feel it is easier to be who you are, fool no one, love everyone, and don't wait for your time in God's Park to face how you treat others, do it in earths parks.

"I miss you Gracie, and not a day goes by when I do not think of you in heaven with my family that is there with you.  I can still feel your warm touch, your little baby hugs. I can still hear your laughter and your sassy bossy demands.  There are times when I feel I can see you walking around as if you were not gone. Smiles and hugs".   Jett

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.  ~Leo Buscaglia

Amazing Grace 42: Hand Prints On Your Heart

Having faith does not mean you will never experience negative emotions or never have days that you feel defeated.  Having faith means you will eventually allow God to carry you through those times when life on earth seems to much to handle.

We are reminded of this in the popular poem "FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND", or as Grace and I used to say "HAND PRINTS ON YOUR HEART".  I had printed the poem out to take with me on one of my visits to Grace while she was still receiving treatments for her brain cancer.  Grace felt that although it was a beautiful poem, it only reached those that ever experienced a walk on the beach.  So we threw around some other ideas of how to reach everyone with the concept of God always being with us.  "Well everyone has a heart Jett, and God touches everyone even if they do not feel it", she would say.  So she decided that we would come up with a poem about hand prints on your heart to let everyone know that you are never alone if you let God be your friend.

I often talked to Grace about God during the 'interview' portions of our visits.  I was fascinated by how strong Grace's belief in God was, considering her parents were catholic, but not practicing catholics.  They hardly ever attended Sunday services and it was not a common conversation for them in their home.  When I visited Grace at her home there were obvious signs of religion in their house, but it was more in the lines of decorations than it was to honor our Lord.  There were crosses throughout the home hung on walls in various rooms.  When you walked into their dinning area there was a beautiful art wall hanging of the Last Supper.  In the hallway there was a picture of the Blessed Mary holding baby Jesus above a shelf holding two angel statues.  It was obvious to me that they believed in God but what I would learn from getting to know this family was that they silently believed in God's plan for eternal life.  I do not believe they felt their faith would be so strongly tested when they learned that their only child, a beautiful daughter, would be taken from them in such a short time.

Prior to Grace's final breaths on earth I would spend many hours laying in bed during the night admiring the strength and courage they displayed for everyone to witness as Grace's life was slowly being taken from them.  It is not that I had never seen them break down on occasion when the emotion of the day or the challenge of the treatments was just more than they could grasp in one day.  It's the strength in which they mustered up to keep moving forward, day after day, knowing that those days were running out.  Balancing the day they would perhaps experience the greatest loss of life they ever will, with maintaining the quality of the days they still had to spend with Grace.

I watched as Bill adored and loved and connected with his 'daddies little girl' as if he would one day surrender her to the boy who would steal the part of her heart that daddy did not occupy.  I watched as Annie mothered and continued to groom her beautiful daughter as if one day she would wear the crown of a princess.  I also watched as Bill would break down outside the room his daughter received her treatments in after listening to Grace give me instructions on how to help her mommy and daddy through the days following her death.  I also watched as Annie become exhausted to the point of tears after countless hours of running her household in an effort to keep it free of germs to protect her fragile baby girl.

It had been three weeks since Gracie left her journey on earth and started her journey of eternal life in heaven.  It has been over a week since I had last seen her parents, when we went fishing and spent a few hours together out on the boat.  I walked away that day considering them life long friends with the promise of keeping in touch with them and making sure the three of us were doing OK considering the little girl we can no longer hug outside our hearts was gone.  Today I would met up with them for a bite to eat and a visit.  Today I would reveal to them the video that Gracie had made for them.

Why today?  Pinky Promise:  "Give them my video between my mommy's birthday and father's day.  That is when I would like them to have it.  It is my gift to them.  You have to do it for me."

So today I grabbed the package we had put the video in with a homemade card attached to it and headed off to meet Bill and Annie.  I was anxious to see them for many reasons.  The selfish reason was because I miss Gracie so much and seeing them meant I was still a part of her life, even though she is no longer with us.  I had stopped and bought two cards, one for Annie's birthday which was on Friday and one for Bill for Father's Day which was on Sunday.  Birthdays and holidays still existed, even if the reason for them was not present in the being.  I knew it was just as much for me, as it was for them, that I was doing this.  The connection the three of us had in our hearts was enough for me to want to hang on to these two new friends in my life, I needed them, and I felt they also needed me.

Greetings with hugs and smiles, ordering our meals and drinks, and we were engaged in the how we were doing conversations we all had anticipated.  I felt they were doing remarkably well for the loss they so recently suffered.  They had found the drawings that were done in Grace's closet and we talked about that for a while.  They had found many notes around their home that Gracie had written and hid for them.  I assured them they would be finding many more and told them she worked endlessly on them and how she had me smuggle post-it notes to her and how she had me on the search for certain colors for certain days.  We shared many laughs about how well she controlled my every move.  I told them how I missed her sassy bossy ways and would find myself laughing to myself when something reminded me of a time where she would order me to do this or do that.

Annie began to tell me that she has started to read the blogs just this past week.  She was very weepy as she talked about them.  I could tell it was hard for her to read them and I felt a little bad about that.  I told her I was happy she was finding the strength to read them and talked about how Gracie was 90% in control of what we wrote in "our" blogs.  How I had to read them to her after each one we published and how I would read emails and messages that were sent to "us" about them from family, friends, and strangers.  I reminded Annie that Grace got much enjoyment out of them and that this whole process was started when she asked me if I would help her write the story of her life.  I told her it was very hard on me emotionally to work on the blogs but that I would not trade those moments back in time for anything in the world.

I also let Annie know it was OK if she felt she could not finish reading them, and even if one day when the story of Gracie is published she did not feel it was a book she could read, I completely understood.  I also reminded her that it is not me she had to reckon with, it was Gracie.  After all, I told her, I had to go fishing per Gracie and it was one of my most least favorite things to do in the world.  I at least got her to smile today, but I think Annie was just having a day where she felt defeated in her efforts to celebrate the life Grace had lived, verses the short time she was with us to live it.  And that's OK because I know that Annie believes in God, and trusts in God's plan for us, and understands she does not walk alone in her pain.

We sat and visited for almost two hours when I decided to give them the cards from me, as well as the CD that contained a message to them from Grace.  As soon as Annie took it out of the bag she put that CD against her heart and hugged it tight.  It was as if she were holding Grace close to her, in that little CD.  I knew it would be hard for them to watch, but I also knew it would bring them much joy in the end.  It would be a gift they would treasure forever, just like all the memories provided to them in the eight plus years they were able to spend with their daughter.  We have more hugs, and more smiles, and shed a few more tears together before departing for the day.  They would invite me to stop by the house anytime I felt I needed a visit, or just to stop in and sit for a few minutes to let them know how I was doing.  We would say goodbye for the day, all of OK.  All of us holding on to the faith each of us held in God's decision to reach down and guide Grace home to him.

It would be about four hours later today that my phone would beep.  I looked down to see that I had a message from "Amazing Grace".  I opened it up, knowing it was from Annie's number.  "You and Gracie did a beautiful job making our CD gift.  Thank you."  It made me smile for several reasons, one being that it had to have made them smile and remember some fun times with Gracie.  The second being, that somewhere up above, sat Gracie on a cloud with her feet hanging over, probably next to my brother Joey, smiling huge with sparkly green eyes, another Pinky Promise complete.

I text back a smiling face to Annie, put down my phone, and walked out to the back deck of the Misfit house.  I laid back in the lawn chair and closed my eyes.  I felt the warm sun shine down on my face, with a slight breeze passing by.  With my eyes closed I see a shadow pass over my face.  I open my eyes and look up to see a big white fluffy cloud drift by overhead.  I found myself eyeballing around the edges of the cloud, looking for a pair or two of feet hanging over.  I saw none, but that doesn't mean they were not there.

Footprints in the sand or hand prints on the heart, look at it anyway you wish, but today I know I do not walk alone.  I'm going to be OK.  We are all going to be OK. 

"Hand Prints On Your Heart: by Amazing Grace
 (with help from the boy with the funny name, Jett)

When I feel all alone like no one else is with me.
I just look inside my heart to see what I can see.
There is lots of love there, from all the days gone by.
So many people love me it makes me want to cry.

On the days I feel all alone like no one cares about me.
I just look inside my heart to see what I can see.
So much love lives in there it almost overflows.
So many people love me and it just grows and grows.

When I get sad and my heart feels really empty.
I think of all the wishes all my friends have sent me.
They may never have even met me or know who I really am.
But they left their hand prints on my heart, and now they are my friends.

So when your day is really sad and you think you are alone.
Put your hand to your chest and feel the love you own.
Feel the hand prints of the people who really do care.
They left them there to show you how to love and share.

Hand prints on your heart will never go away,
So don't be sad and lonely, go on and enjoy your day.
You are loved by many, even more than you could know.
For many people leave them there, to help you love and grow.

Amazing Grace 41: One Angel Leaves, Two More Arrive

Pinky Promise:  "You have to call my mommy and daddy when the babies get here Jett.  And you have to make them visit them and be friends to them.  They need to love more babies to teach themselves how to love again and not be afraid."

Mikey and his wife Kathy increased their family size by two yesterday afternoon.  Welcome to the world Abigail Grace and Isabella Faith.  My brand new baby nieces were two hours old when I first laid eyes on them.  I watched them bake for so many months it seemed unreal to me that I was looking at these two little girls freshly out of the womb and into the this big old scary crazy world. 

This is not the first time I got to witness the miracle of life, and due to my brother and his wife expecting their second child in October of this year, it will not be my last.  Ola (Olivia) , my brother Jordy's first child, is one and half and is the first baby brought into the Misfit world from her very first breath.  Mikey and Kathy's Baby C (Channing) was born just last June and is not even a year old yet, and is now accompanied by two baby sisters.  Little Dude (Jimmy) was already three when I met him for the very first time, and he is now five and half, and a big brother to Baby C, Abbey, and Izzy. 

If you asked me three years ago about being Uncle Jett, I would tell you we do not need any babies in our family, we are doing just fine without them.  Ask me today and I will tell you I cannot imagine life without these little bodies running our Misfit family.  I haven't had to put much effort into the wonder's and joy's of little kids and how they grow and change so quickly.  My dad would tell you I have been blessed with the mind of a three year old kid and the soul of a 80 year old man with a heart aged somewhere in between that kid and that old man.  I will be the first to admit to anyone that I am one of those uncle's that will stand back and get as much joy as I can out of watching a kid, while being a kid.

I recall watching Lil Dude at the age of four getting stuck between the door and the screen door yelling for me to "et me in dare, et me in dare" as I stood on the inside watching him through the window with a very snowy day in the background.  I don't know how many times I watched Baby C roll himself right between the chair and the footstool, stuck, trying to fight his way out of that tight mess.  Even Ola had me being 'that uncle' on several occasions, one of which she had her tiny hand stuck in a little bag size of cheetos and could not get it out and sat there shaking her hand until the bag fell off, knowing if she just let go of the handful of cheetos it would of not gotten stuck.  It may sound a little mean to you, but I thought I did pretty good not recording and posting these funny moments on YouTube or sending them to American's Funniest Videos and try to win money off these kids.

I will accept not winning Uncle of the Year, but I will argue with you until we're both blue in the face that I am the proudest uncle on earth.  I love these kids, all of them, and even the ones that come around the Misfits house on occasion with friends and family members.  I feel blessed that I can watch these little people grow in size and knowledge and try to grasp how they work.  I love thinking about what I see in them today that might show a sign of a future career for them. 

I stared at Abbey and Izzy yesterday, and again today, and I wondered what life would hold for these little miracles.  I thought about how I would see new things through their eyes and their actions.  I will enjoy watching them interact as siblings, as well as individuals.  Two more little beings to pray for on a daily basis.  Two more little bodies to watch grow and become individuals.  Twice of everything I love about watching Baby C, Lil Dude, and Ola.

Yes.  My heart has filled up further then I ever thought it could.  I can feel it bursting with love.  I cannot help but thank God for all that is good.  I thank God today for giving me such a special part of Grace's life. Because of Gracie, I know that there is enough room in my heart to store so much more love than I allow it to.  If I had to guess at one thing today, it would be that Grace played a role in the birth of these two precious little lives that doubled the amount of love in my heart for not one, but two more babies in my Misfit world.  Today when I visited my new baby nieces through the window I swear the reflection of myself cast on that window was shadowed by my little angel in heaven. 

I was a bit nervous to call Bill and Annie (Gracie's parents) and inform them that the babies were here so they could visit them, meet them, become part of their lives.  Annie answered the phone when I called, "Are they here?"   She seemed very excited and very anxious which relaxed my grip on the nervousness I felt when I made the call.  "Yes Annie, the girls are here."   She assured me her and Bill would visit the girls tonight and stop by and visit with Mikey and Kathy.  We made plans to have dinner one night this weekend and catch up on our lives since our fishing trip.  I was excited to meet with them and see how they were doing.

Dear Gracie, my little angel in heaven.  You were right.  There is more room in my heart to love more kids without letting go of any of the love I have for you.  I miss you deeply.  I am sorry I still cry at night when I say my prayers to you.  It is the only Pinky Promise I have not kept so far.  Love and miss you, your boyfriend, the boy with the funny name, Jett.