In a box underneath a years worth of memories I found the last greeting card my Mom ever gave me. I knew it was there, right where I left it last Thanksgiving day when I dug it out to hold onto to the closest thing I had to my Mothers touch. I went looking for it during the night last night when I could not sleep. I was not looking for comfort for the sadness in my heart, I was looking for something to hold while my heart beat a steady rhythm of pain.
Today marks one year since my Mom ended her walk on earth and climbed those steps into heaven to spend eternity with three of her five children that God took before he called her home. It was two days before Thanksgiving last year that my brother Jordy and I made the decision to take her off all life support and see if she had the strength to continue her walk on earth. She did not.
That day was probably the one day that defined a new relationship between my brother and myself. Jordy and I are as different as night and day when it comes to our walk on earth. Same blood, same childhood of abuse, same destination into eternity. The day we stood in the hallway of the hospital right outside our Mom's room in IC was the day we found the common ground that would match the souls that live inside our bodies. We revealed to each other our total complete true selves that day. We bonded beyond the brotherhood we tried to find with each other into what we truly are in the Christian world. We were children of God, looking for answers, searching for the truth of eternal life, anticipating the day when we will walk again with our Mother and our siblings, Jayson, Joey, and Jacelyn.
I reached down in that box letting my fingers filter down past obituaries, letters, cards, and news clippings I choose to keep. All holding memories that will never leave my heart but will fade from my mind. Things I feel the need to hang onto so I can revisit those milestone moments that have helped form me into who I am. I pulled out the blue envelope that I knew contained the card my Mom had given me for my 19th birthday the prior August. It was a simple card which was typical of my Mom, "Happy Birthday Son" was printed on the outside with a picture of a birthday cake with a single candle on it. On the inside was printed "now you are ONE!" There was a picture of that same cake on the inside and my Mom drew in a second candle in the shape of a nine, making it the number 19, which was my age that day. We shared a huge laugh on the cuteness of that card, along with an even bigger hug.
My Mom signed that card "love Shirley". As odd as it may seem to most for a mother to sign her sons birthday card with her birth name on it, it was something she started doing on the cards she gave me since I was fourteen and left home. I never asked my Mom about why she did that but I suspected that is when she started to feel as if she was not the mother to her son anymore. That statement pretty much sums up the relationship I had with my Mom from the time we reconnected until the day she died. I had become more of a parent to my Mom then she was to me. I still called her mom, but I knew that the typical relationship between a son and his mom was not something we shared anymore and the roles had reversed. The more time that passed the more I noticed I was making some very minor decisions for my Mom.
From what to wear to what to order when we went out for a meal, the decisions seem to confuse my Mom more and more as the sun rose on a new day. Once she had her first stroke, it only got more frustrating for her to have to make choices. When she had her second, major stroke I begin to think about the quality of my Mom's life and what it would be like for her. The days she spent on machines that were keeping her alive were growing longer and longer as I waited for her to come back to life on her own. Sometimes I feel as if I knew this was not good, even when I was praying for the best.
The Five Stages of Grief:
Denial. I was simply in denial that this was happening. I was in shock and my body grew numb. This was not happening because I do not want to deal with this. She will wake up before we decide what we need to do and I will be off the hook. No one should be 19 and have to make this decision in life, so therefore, it is not real to me. I am over reacting to this whole scene, it is not as bad as I am thinking it is. I will go in there and hold Mom's hand and she will open her eyes and we will laugh about last week when she tried to make an over easy egg for her breakfast and it quickly turned to scrambled eggs.
Anger: My denial had turned to anger as I sat and stared at my Mom in that bed reliving our life in the Bushnell house that now seemed more like a torture chamber than a home. I was angry at my 'dad', the 'man' that put her through years of abuse. The 'husband' who was sitting in a prison cell that society put him in as punishment for his crimes against his very own family members. I was angry that he got to live and my Mom was going to die. It did not seem right and the angrier I become the more I allowed myself to hate him for doing this to the only parent that ever hugged me and told me she loved me.
Bargaining: I started to deal with God and when I felt he was not listening to me I started to deal with the devil. I wanted a deal, I wanted to trade whatever I could for my Mom's life. I was lost in the moments that were leading up to giving the doctors our final decision. I was desperate, searching and reaching for whatever I could to deal away, even if it was my life for my Moms. Why was no one listening to me, why was no one willing to bargain with me. Anger would once again surface when the denial would leave me and the bargaining would be denied.
Depression: Once I realized what the right thing to do for my Mom was I felt nothing. I felt empty of all emotions, numb to all feelings inside my heart and mind. It was as if nothing seemed to matter to me at this moment. It was the calm before the storm that would take over my entire being as anger once again built up inside of me as I realized that within hours my Mom could be dead, her earth's journey done. I was withdrawing my emotions from life, helpless in a black hole filled with sadness as life was about to take a new turn in my journey on earth.
Acceptance: Within hours of making our decision my Mom's life had slipped away and I had accepted God's decision to take her home. This would be my life now. I was not happy with the outcome and I expected it to turn out just the opposite as it did. But this was it and there was no bringing her back. I would never feel the touch of a mothers love again. In my mind I was accepting all of this, in my heart I was still in denial, still angry, still trying to make a deal, and still very much deep in a depression I ace at hiding from the world to this day.
A year later I am still fighting the grief of walking through life with my mother gone. I am still in denial of her being gone. I am still angry with her for leaving a big void in my life that I will never be able to fill. I still try to bargain with God on my demise, promising to be a better person "if". I don't know what that "if" is but I still try. I still fight the depression of a loved one gone. I still look for answers and try to find reasons on 'why me? why us?' I still feel guilty for deciding to let her go. I still love her with all I have and with all my heart. I still cry because I miss her. I still pray for the day I will see her again. It still hurts and I hope it always does. Because the pain is the only memory I have that keeps all the other memories alive.
Mom,
I miss you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. I hope you can hear the prayer I say for your ears everyday. I hope you can feel the hugs I send when I need a hug in return. I hope you are proud of who I am in today world. I hope you see how hard I try to keep your spirit alive in how I move through my days on earth. I miss you Mom, and I long for days of the past when I could sneak up behind you and surprise you with a hug. I miss your laugh and the smiles we shared. I miss your holiday cards that only made sense to me and left everyone else wondering if you meant to do that or not. More than anything in the world I MISS YOU.
I am thankful today that even though you are in God's Kingdom for eternity I had you when you were on your journey on earth. I am thankful for all you did to protect me as best you could and all you did to teach me things to get me where I am today. Happy Thanksgiving Mom. God rest your soul in the peace and happiness you missed out on down here.
Love you with all my heart,
Jett
Today marks one year since my Mom ended her walk on earth and climbed those steps into heaven to spend eternity with three of her five children that God took before he called her home. It was two days before Thanksgiving last year that my brother Jordy and I made the decision to take her off all life support and see if she had the strength to continue her walk on earth. She did not.
That day was probably the one day that defined a new relationship between my brother and myself. Jordy and I are as different as night and day when it comes to our walk on earth. Same blood, same childhood of abuse, same destination into eternity. The day we stood in the hallway of the hospital right outside our Mom's room in IC was the day we found the common ground that would match the souls that live inside our bodies. We revealed to each other our total complete true selves that day. We bonded beyond the brotherhood we tried to find with each other into what we truly are in the Christian world. We were children of God, looking for answers, searching for the truth of eternal life, anticipating the day when we will walk again with our Mother and our siblings, Jayson, Joey, and Jacelyn.
I reached down in that box letting my fingers filter down past obituaries, letters, cards, and news clippings I choose to keep. All holding memories that will never leave my heart but will fade from my mind. Things I feel the need to hang onto so I can revisit those milestone moments that have helped form me into who I am. I pulled out the blue envelope that I knew contained the card my Mom had given me for my 19th birthday the prior August. It was a simple card which was typical of my Mom, "Happy Birthday Son" was printed on the outside with a picture of a birthday cake with a single candle on it. On the inside was printed "now you are ONE!" There was a picture of that same cake on the inside and my Mom drew in a second candle in the shape of a nine, making it the number 19, which was my age that day. We shared a huge laugh on the cuteness of that card, along with an even bigger hug.
My Mom signed that card "love Shirley". As odd as it may seem to most for a mother to sign her sons birthday card with her birth name on it, it was something she started doing on the cards she gave me since I was fourteen and left home. I never asked my Mom about why she did that but I suspected that is when she started to feel as if she was not the mother to her son anymore. That statement pretty much sums up the relationship I had with my Mom from the time we reconnected until the day she died. I had become more of a parent to my Mom then she was to me. I still called her mom, but I knew that the typical relationship between a son and his mom was not something we shared anymore and the roles had reversed. The more time that passed the more I noticed I was making some very minor decisions for my Mom.
From what to wear to what to order when we went out for a meal, the decisions seem to confuse my Mom more and more as the sun rose on a new day. Once she had her first stroke, it only got more frustrating for her to have to make choices. When she had her second, major stroke I begin to think about the quality of my Mom's life and what it would be like for her. The days she spent on machines that were keeping her alive were growing longer and longer as I waited for her to come back to life on her own. Sometimes I feel as if I knew this was not good, even when I was praying for the best.
The Five Stages of Grief:
Denial. I was simply in denial that this was happening. I was in shock and my body grew numb. This was not happening because I do not want to deal with this. She will wake up before we decide what we need to do and I will be off the hook. No one should be 19 and have to make this decision in life, so therefore, it is not real to me. I am over reacting to this whole scene, it is not as bad as I am thinking it is. I will go in there and hold Mom's hand and she will open her eyes and we will laugh about last week when she tried to make an over easy egg for her breakfast and it quickly turned to scrambled eggs.
Anger: My denial had turned to anger as I sat and stared at my Mom in that bed reliving our life in the Bushnell house that now seemed more like a torture chamber than a home. I was angry at my 'dad', the 'man' that put her through years of abuse. The 'husband' who was sitting in a prison cell that society put him in as punishment for his crimes against his very own family members. I was angry that he got to live and my Mom was going to die. It did not seem right and the angrier I become the more I allowed myself to hate him for doing this to the only parent that ever hugged me and told me she loved me.
Bargaining: I started to deal with God and when I felt he was not listening to me I started to deal with the devil. I wanted a deal, I wanted to trade whatever I could for my Mom's life. I was lost in the moments that were leading up to giving the doctors our final decision. I was desperate, searching and reaching for whatever I could to deal away, even if it was my life for my Moms. Why was no one listening to me, why was no one willing to bargain with me. Anger would once again surface when the denial would leave me and the bargaining would be denied.
Depression: Once I realized what the right thing to do for my Mom was I felt nothing. I felt empty of all emotions, numb to all feelings inside my heart and mind. It was as if nothing seemed to matter to me at this moment. It was the calm before the storm that would take over my entire being as anger once again built up inside of me as I realized that within hours my Mom could be dead, her earth's journey done. I was withdrawing my emotions from life, helpless in a black hole filled with sadness as life was about to take a new turn in my journey on earth.
Acceptance: Within hours of making our decision my Mom's life had slipped away and I had accepted God's decision to take her home. This would be my life now. I was not happy with the outcome and I expected it to turn out just the opposite as it did. But this was it and there was no bringing her back. I would never feel the touch of a mothers love again. In my mind I was accepting all of this, in my heart I was still in denial, still angry, still trying to make a deal, and still very much deep in a depression I ace at hiding from the world to this day.
A year later I am still fighting the grief of walking through life with my mother gone. I am still in denial of her being gone. I am still angry with her for leaving a big void in my life that I will never be able to fill. I still try to bargain with God on my demise, promising to be a better person "if". I don't know what that "if" is but I still try. I still fight the depression of a loved one gone. I still look for answers and try to find reasons on 'why me? why us?' I still feel guilty for deciding to let her go. I still love her with all I have and with all my heart. I still cry because I miss her. I still pray for the day I will see her again. It still hurts and I hope it always does. Because the pain is the only memory I have that keeps all the other memories alive.
Mom,
I miss you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. I hope you can hear the prayer I say for your ears everyday. I hope you can feel the hugs I send when I need a hug in return. I hope you are proud of who I am in today world. I hope you see how hard I try to keep your spirit alive in how I move through my days on earth. I miss you Mom, and I long for days of the past when I could sneak up behind you and surprise you with a hug. I miss your laugh and the smiles we shared. I miss your holiday cards that only made sense to me and left everyone else wondering if you meant to do that or not. More than anything in the world I MISS YOU.
I am thankful today that even though you are in God's Kingdom for eternity I had you when you were on your journey on earth. I am thankful for all you did to protect me as best you could and all you did to teach me things to get me where I am today. Happy Thanksgiving Mom. God rest your soul in the peace and happiness you missed out on down here.
Love you with all my heart,
Jett
“The Prayer of Heaven,”
My God, I adore You and I love You!
Through the hands of the Madonna, with Your grace and help I accept from
You, O Lord, at the unexpected hour any kind of death as it will please
You to send me, and I ask of You the grace not to have fear of death.
Please forgive all of my sins.
I accept my death in union with the Sacrifice that You, O Jesus, High
and Eternal Priest, Yourself made on the Cross and that now You renew on
many Altars. I intend to offer to You my death in the spirit of the
Holy Masses which at that moment will be celebrated and I offer You Your
infinite merits to pay for my sins and the penalty of Purgatory.
Saved by Your Blood, through Your merits and those of Your Mother I ask
You the same mercy granted to the Good Thief, namely the grace to enter
immediately with You into Paradise and to have immediately the perfect
Beatific Vision of God. Amen.
I thank You, my Jesus!
by Monsignor Charles M. Mangan
