I've been there, several times in the eight years I've lived in Boston. Boston is where I found my religion, my spiritual world. I wasn't born into it like so many Christians are. I wasn't raised with it as so many Christians are. I wasn't married into it as so many are. I wasn't forced into it either. I saw a church, walked in, saw the beauty and peace it provided and asked if I could be a Christian in their religion. It happened to be a Catholic church so I became a Catholic. Had it been a different religion I would have become that religion. I took all the required classes to become Catholic and I involved myself in the church as I met each requirement to receive each sacrament.
I enjoyed learning the prayers so much that I actually joined the Ladies Guild in order to be as close to the prayer chain as possible. I'm not sure if I'm an official member of the Guild but they treat me as if I am. The elder female members of the Church are the ladies that keep the Guild alive and functioning. They are the ones that organize events and keep the prayer chains rolling as people put in their requests. I often call one of them with a request to start a prayer chain for those around me that are struggling with life issues and need a little help, a nudge, to get through their most difficult times.
This morning I talked to Ester, the sweetest old church lady a guy would hope to be on his side. She is such an important part of my spiritual world and a great substitute grandmother in the absence of a grandmother in my life. She has embraced this old soul inside this young man and accepted the challenge of guiding him through his spiritual world. When I walked into early morning mass today I walked up to where Ester sits and before I even set down she asked me what was on my mind today, what is bothering me. I will admit I am a bit stressed over a friend who is struggling with a life issue and somehow Ester, the kind soul she is, felt it before I could address it with her.
Ester is used to hearing my plea for a prayer chain for someone who is ill, someone who is having relationship issues, someone who lost a loved one, or someone who is losing a loved one. Today I would talk to Ester about my great friend who has so much on her plate right now she is beside herself with a whole new kind of grief. One I myself have yet to face someday. My friend is watching her mothers life slowly fade way, her best friend is battling brain cancer, she is struggling with a career changing decision, another friend is watching his mother battle an illness and just a lot of little things she has no control over are swirling around her daily.
"She's losing her Faith, her Hope, her Will", I explained to Ester. "She is questioning the existence of the GOD we cannot see, feel or hear." I explained to Ester that I feel my friend is pulling away from GOD. That she is feeling defeated, alone, and no longer see's the value in the struggles GOD has placed before us. "Can we start a prayer chain for her?", I asked. "Can we pray long enough and hard enough to get her through the next few months until she can bring herself to renew her faith, find hope in her life and will herself back into HIS arms?"
"We certainly can Jett," she replied. "We can ask GOD to let her know that no matter what happens in her life, HE is there for her and HE is there for her friends, her family. We can ask GOD to keep her heart and her mind open to HIM that she may see the light of his way and accept HIS plan for all of us as HE sees fit to do so." I thanked Ester and she assured me that after mass she will start the prayer chain and keep that prayer chain going until I let her know my friend is strong in HIS spirit again and has found comfort in HIS way.
I don't think bad of my friend and her struggle with her faith. As I stated earlier I also have struggle with my faith at times, usually when I need GOD with me the most is when I question HIM the most. So I get it, I really do, and I will continue to push little reminders her way that I love her and the reason I get to love her is because GOD crossed our paths. It is actually because of this friend that I know about religion at all. She used her faith in GOD to help comfort my brother when he was dying. For six months she sat next to him talking to him about GOD and his readings. The last two months of his life she sat next to him reading to him from the Bible and talking to him about what she felt GOD was trying to tell us from whatever passage they were reading that day. We did not grow up with any religion or knowledge of who GOD was beyond someone occasionally using GOD's name in passing.
I guess this is the first time I have watched GOD slowly slip out of someone's life. I have witnessed several people accept GOD into their lives, but never expel HIM from their life. Someday I will blog about my anxiety issues and how those attacks make me feel, but generally speaking as someone who suffers from anxiety I cannot imagine what it must feel like to give up your faith because of what life is dealing you. I am not judging her, or anyone for that matter, I am just trying to wrap my head around how horrible it must feel on the inside when you feel GOD has given up on you. In the mist of my worse anxiety attack where you cannot find any reasoning for how you are feeling, not once did I question whether I should keep GOD in my life or kick GOD out of my life. I always just waited for my faith to kick in to help me overcome my anxiety about life even though I could not pin point where that feeling was coming from.
I am sad for my friend and my heart aches for how much she must be going through right now. To feel so alone in your struggle that you do not even feel GOD near you has to be frightening. To be willing to push HIM out of your life when you have no other hope in survival has to be a very desperate attempt to make sense of what you can never make sense of. I pray to GOD that she will find comfort and peace in her current struggles. I am sorry for all the struggles she is facing right now, all at once, but I know in my heart that GOD will never give us more then we can handle. I just need for her to believe that too.
My Friend,
Nothing in life is worth losing your religion for. I know that your heart is heavy with sadness right now and your mind is struggling to process all that is happening in your life. I pray that you find comfort in GOD's touch and never lose sight of HIS presence in your life. It was you who once told me that everything GOD does leads us to HIM and even the struggles should be looked at as if GOD is leading us to the next step in our journey. It was you who told me that as much as it hurt to lose Joey in our lives, had he not been in our lives, had he not lost his life, neither one of us would be where we are now. You told me everything happens for a reason and only when we get to GOD will we understand why things happened the way they did.
I am sorry for your family and what you are experiencing now with your Mother. I am sorry your best friend ever is fighting cancer and wish no one every had to. I am sorry you are struggling with your career choice at this time. Please remember the world changes for all of us on a daily basis and the things that are changing in your life right now will open up the path to GOD and HIS plan for eternal life where we will all meet again. I am so happy to be part of your life and I am proud to consider you one of the best friends and biggest influences of my life. Thank you for all you have given me and all you have shown me. Thank you for being that friend that taught me to never give up, never look back. Love you Aunt OJ.
Peter 5:10
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace,
who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ,
will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
