There is some point in all our lives that we will the face fear that resides in our hearts. It's not a phobia like fearing snakes, or the fear of thunderstorms. It's not the fear of failing an exam or the fear of flying. It's not the fear of violence or the fear of ghosts. It is not even the fear of death. No, those fears do not live in our hearts, those fears live in our minds.
The fear that lives in our hearts most often have to do with our loved ones. The fear of never seeing them again. The fear of their health and welfare. The fear of their pursuit of happiness and how they will achieve it. The fear of the path they may stray on and the struggle to get themselves back on the right path. The fear of cancer or other illnesses that tug at our hearts and sends us into overdrive on praying for God to help them through their most difficult time.
Jake is my dad and while he is not my natural or biological father, he is the man in my life that has chosen to raise me and love me when my birth dad could not, or would not. Jake is a self confirmed bachelor for life. In his words its because there are too many women out there to choose from and until he meets them all he would never feel he found the right soul mate. The words of us Misfits is it is because no one woman would be able to tolerate his house rules. If God were choosing the words it would be because He planted the seed of Jason Jacob Felix so that one day the right misfit humans in life would find Jake and the Misfit family would be formed. I personally not only believe that was God's plan for Jake, I am pleased God included me in that plan when he planted the seed of Jake.
My dad recently had a mass removed from his lungs that was cancerous but they did a clean sweep when they went in to remove it and the outcome was about as good as it could be. However, he is receiving thirty chemo treatments, one every other day for two months. It is precautionary and should leave him in remission for years to come. The whole health ordeal is the perfect storm for someone of Jake's age, and physical condition, could hope for if indeed, cancer were to attach itself to their life. Myself and my Misfit family had braced ourselves for the worse possible news so when we were told that his was the best possible diagnosis we were relieved and thankful for the great news.
I watched my brother Joey fight his lung cancer for several months. The last month of his life I knew I was watching him die a little bit more as each day passed by. The hope I had of his recovery was diminishing right along with his breath of life. I could see it in his physical being, I could see it on the faces of the medial staff taking care of him. I could see it in Joey's eyes when we visited. I knew what I was seeing in his eyes was fear. Fear of the unknown. Frankly he could probably see the same thing in my eyes each time we made direct eye contact. Nothing was ever mentioned between us about it, but we knew. It was our silent fear and we faced it together, from heart to heart. The fear in my heart knowing I was losing my older brother, him twenty-four and myself fourteen. Joey was not just a brother to me, he was a fill-in father when our birth dad could not be. He was my best friend, the one who got me out of the house during the day because it was a prison at night when our birth dad got home from work. Joey was not just a brother, not just a friend, not just a fill-in dad ... he was my EVERYTHING. Watching him being taken away from me put a fear in my heart that has to this day not ever gone away.
That fear resurfaced ten-fold when Jake was diagnosed with lung cancer, the very thing that took Joey from my physical world. Would God also take Jake away from me? So many of my friends and family have left their journey on earth and are gone from my life. Since I was fourteen that death has become more like a hobby for me then an end to the lives of those I love. I have found many outlets in grieving for those that have moved on to an eternal life with God in the heavens above. It is painful to lose loved ones but I have accepted that this is indeed the Circle of Life and there is nothing I can do to stop God and his plan for each and everyone of us. I not only find ways to deal with the pain, I also have been able to help others with their loses and their grief. My closest friends tell me that this is what God's plan for me is in my journey on earth. It is a gift, they tell me, that I can express my pain in a manner that others can relate to when they cannot process how they feel and find some comfort..
When this fear once again entered my heart as Jake goes through his chemo process I told myself that God is forcing me to once again face this fear. Facing my fears of loved ones gone has always allowed me to build upon my faith. To trust God and all he has given me. To believe that the paths we are on with God are by his design. That 'it is what it is' and there is nothing I can do to change God's plan for me, or for anyone else. I often tell my friend Kim that pain is weakness leaving the body. Kim pushes herself to exercise and take care of her physical welfare but it does not come without pain. When she expresses to me how much it hurts with each new exercise she disciplines herself in I always tell her two things "pain is weakness leaving the body" and "no one has ever drown in sweat".
This morning as my dad packed his day bag to go to his treatment the fear of losing him entered my heart. He has not even received six of his thirty treatments but I can see the toll it is taking on his body. He looks tired and pale and a couple years older then he did just a week ago. On the even numbered days of the month when he does not receive treatment he is bored and troubled by not being able to keep up like he did before they removed the mass from his lungs. He cannot go more then a couple hours without needing to stop and rest. Before this setback he was the one that you could not get to sit down, he is always on the move. If he was not doing something for himself he was at one of the other Misfits house taking care of something for someone else.
I think of Joey and how I watched his life slip way from him day by day. I think about the day he died and each one of us said our goodbye to the brother, the son, the friend, who could not tell us goodbye because he was already gone. I think about that day Joey took his last breath of life on earth and one by one my family walked out of that room until only Mikey and I were left standing there. I think about how I listened to Mikey yell at Joeys corpse, angry he left him. They were best friends in life and thinking back to that day, it is the day I was first introduced to the fear that comes straight from the heart. It was not the fear of death I was witnessing, it was the fear of life without a loved one. I accept the Circle of Life and I realize we are born to die. It is the walk of life without those we love that puts that fear in my heart.
It is the fear of carrying on, moving forward, hoping you are doing the right things. It is not the fear of losing a loved one to the promise of God's eternal life, it is the fear of being left behind on my journey and will I be able to survive until the end of my Circle of Life arrives. I know I will see them all again when that day comes, but for now I am left with facing the fear of walking my journey alone. Facing that fear will build my character, make me a better Christian, bring me closer to God's plan for me. It will strengthen my faith and trust in God. It will force me to find more people in my life to walk with in my journey.
Even knowing Jake will be OK and if he is not there is little I can do to change the course he is on, I have fear in my heart that I will be left to face my fear of being left alone, stranded, in a world too big for me to spin on my own. I will be OK. We will all be OK. We need to face the fear in our hearts and remember God never leaves us. We always have a friend walking beside us to guide us to righteousness. A small part of faith is believing in the unknown. That is exactly where fear come from inside of us, not knowing what is ahead of us. Facing those fears is what helps us through those times. Faith is trust, trust in God that he is with us always and even though we have to leave each other here on earth, we are not left alone, as long as we invite God to journey with us.
Jake will be OK. I will be OK. All the other Misfits will be OK. However, it will not come without the pain we feel in our hearts or the fear we let in. Face your fears, head on. Do not try to bury them deeper or hide from them all together.
The fear that lives in our hearts most often have to do with our loved ones. The fear of never seeing them again. The fear of their health and welfare. The fear of their pursuit of happiness and how they will achieve it. The fear of the path they may stray on and the struggle to get themselves back on the right path. The fear of cancer or other illnesses that tug at our hearts and sends us into overdrive on praying for God to help them through their most difficult time.
Jake is my dad and while he is not my natural or biological father, he is the man in my life that has chosen to raise me and love me when my birth dad could not, or would not. Jake is a self confirmed bachelor for life. In his words its because there are too many women out there to choose from and until he meets them all he would never feel he found the right soul mate. The words of us Misfits is it is because no one woman would be able to tolerate his house rules. If God were choosing the words it would be because He planted the seed of Jason Jacob Felix so that one day the right misfit humans in life would find Jake and the Misfit family would be formed. I personally not only believe that was God's plan for Jake, I am pleased God included me in that plan when he planted the seed of Jake.
My dad recently had a mass removed from his lungs that was cancerous but they did a clean sweep when they went in to remove it and the outcome was about as good as it could be. However, he is receiving thirty chemo treatments, one every other day for two months. It is precautionary and should leave him in remission for years to come. The whole health ordeal is the perfect storm for someone of Jake's age, and physical condition, could hope for if indeed, cancer were to attach itself to their life. Myself and my Misfit family had braced ourselves for the worse possible news so when we were told that his was the best possible diagnosis we were relieved and thankful for the great news.
I watched my brother Joey fight his lung cancer for several months. The last month of his life I knew I was watching him die a little bit more as each day passed by. The hope I had of his recovery was diminishing right along with his breath of life. I could see it in his physical being, I could see it on the faces of the medial staff taking care of him. I could see it in Joey's eyes when we visited. I knew what I was seeing in his eyes was fear. Fear of the unknown. Frankly he could probably see the same thing in my eyes each time we made direct eye contact. Nothing was ever mentioned between us about it, but we knew. It was our silent fear and we faced it together, from heart to heart. The fear in my heart knowing I was losing my older brother, him twenty-four and myself fourteen. Joey was not just a brother to me, he was a fill-in father when our birth dad could not be. He was my best friend, the one who got me out of the house during the day because it was a prison at night when our birth dad got home from work. Joey was not just a brother, not just a friend, not just a fill-in dad ... he was my EVERYTHING. Watching him being taken away from me put a fear in my heart that has to this day not ever gone away.
That fear resurfaced ten-fold when Jake was diagnosed with lung cancer, the very thing that took Joey from my physical world. Would God also take Jake away from me? So many of my friends and family have left their journey on earth and are gone from my life. Since I was fourteen that death has become more like a hobby for me then an end to the lives of those I love. I have found many outlets in grieving for those that have moved on to an eternal life with God in the heavens above. It is painful to lose loved ones but I have accepted that this is indeed the Circle of Life and there is nothing I can do to stop God and his plan for each and everyone of us. I not only find ways to deal with the pain, I also have been able to help others with their loses and their grief. My closest friends tell me that this is what God's plan for me is in my journey on earth. It is a gift, they tell me, that I can express my pain in a manner that others can relate to when they cannot process how they feel and find some comfort..
When this fear once again entered my heart as Jake goes through his chemo process I told myself that God is forcing me to once again face this fear. Facing my fears of loved ones gone has always allowed me to build upon my faith. To trust God and all he has given me. To believe that the paths we are on with God are by his design. That 'it is what it is' and there is nothing I can do to change God's plan for me, or for anyone else. I often tell my friend Kim that pain is weakness leaving the body. Kim pushes herself to exercise and take care of her physical welfare but it does not come without pain. When she expresses to me how much it hurts with each new exercise she disciplines herself in I always tell her two things "pain is weakness leaving the body" and "no one has ever drown in sweat".
This morning as my dad packed his day bag to go to his treatment the fear of losing him entered my heart. He has not even received six of his thirty treatments but I can see the toll it is taking on his body. He looks tired and pale and a couple years older then he did just a week ago. On the even numbered days of the month when he does not receive treatment he is bored and troubled by not being able to keep up like he did before they removed the mass from his lungs. He cannot go more then a couple hours without needing to stop and rest. Before this setback he was the one that you could not get to sit down, he is always on the move. If he was not doing something for himself he was at one of the other Misfits house taking care of something for someone else.
I think of Joey and how I watched his life slip way from him day by day. I think about the day he died and each one of us said our goodbye to the brother, the son, the friend, who could not tell us goodbye because he was already gone. I think about that day Joey took his last breath of life on earth and one by one my family walked out of that room until only Mikey and I were left standing there. I think about how I listened to Mikey yell at Joeys corpse, angry he left him. They were best friends in life and thinking back to that day, it is the day I was first introduced to the fear that comes straight from the heart. It was not the fear of death I was witnessing, it was the fear of life without a loved one. I accept the Circle of Life and I realize we are born to die. It is the walk of life without those we love that puts that fear in my heart.
It is the fear of carrying on, moving forward, hoping you are doing the right things. It is not the fear of losing a loved one to the promise of God's eternal life, it is the fear of being left behind on my journey and will I be able to survive until the end of my Circle of Life arrives. I know I will see them all again when that day comes, but for now I am left with facing the fear of walking my journey alone. Facing that fear will build my character, make me a better Christian, bring me closer to God's plan for me. It will strengthen my faith and trust in God. It will force me to find more people in my life to walk with in my journey.
Even knowing Jake will be OK and if he is not there is little I can do to change the course he is on, I have fear in my heart that I will be left to face my fear of being left alone, stranded, in a world too big for me to spin on my own. I will be OK. We will all be OK. We need to face the fear in our hearts and remember God never leaves us. We always have a friend walking beside us to guide us to righteousness. A small part of faith is believing in the unknown. That is exactly where fear come from inside of us, not knowing what is ahead of us. Facing those fears is what helps us through those times. Faith is trust, trust in God that he is with us always and even though we have to leave each other here on earth, we are not left alone, as long as we invite God to journey with us.
Jake will be OK. I will be OK. All the other Misfits will be OK. However, it will not come without the pain we feel in our hearts or the fear we let in. Face your fears, head on. Do not try to bury them deeper or hide from them all together.
Gen 26:24 NKJV
And the LORD appeared to him the same night and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham; do not fear, for I am with you. I will bless you and multiply your descendants for My servant Abraham’s sake.”
