I have decided to exclude some of the things Ce'dric has written in his journal to avoid any further pain to those he left behind. The cursing are the only worlds I specifically omitted from these blogs, in respect to those that find it offensive. Nothing else has changed, These journal entries were Ce'dric's words, his thoughts, his plans.
Ceddy, man, I'm not angry but I am hurt. I understand but I am confused. I do thank you for leaving this journal as it helps me realize the truth I brag about setting you free is much like the lies you used to free yourself. Whatever happened to "don't back up, don't back down"? Brae, it hurts to follow your final breaths on earth from your point of view. Miss you man ~ Jett
April 20, 2013: Saturday Night:
Nothing says real more then a casket being lowered down into the earth. I knew it was real, but seeing that today confirmed what I will have to do if I want to be with Alana. She is loved by so many people, how could you not see this Alana? The pain at mass today was about as unbearable as the pain in my heart. All I could think about was they would do this all in a couple months when I join you again. How sad for them, how spectacular for us.
I watched Avery and Adrian as they sat through mass, confused and sad for me. I will make sure they both know before I leave that this is not the end, that it will be the beginning. My boys were there in numbers today and that meant a lot to me. The respects they paid as they lowered your casket were appreciated. They loved her because I loved her. They will know. They will understand.
April 21, 2013: Sunday:
My heart is starting to feel empty now. My sadness seems to be stable. I think its because I am going to see her soon, sooner then I should yet not soon enough. More grief at mass today. More condolences from our church family. More lies really, about how this was by God's design and how I will be OK and how time will mend my aching heart. I smile and thank them for their kind lies, knowing that it will be sooner then they think.
Alana's mom sobbed frequently as her dad comforted her today. Her sister and brother sat in silence missing her, probably wondering what they could have done to keep her here. I will make sure Avery and Adrian know there is nothing they did, or could do, that would keep me from going to be with my love.
April 22, 2013: Monday:
Jett texts me every damn day. I didn't think about his pull with heaven and his spiritual being. He can't foil my plan but he talks a great game. I will miss his preaching to me and the boys about life and how important it is to stay on the right side of the sidewalk.
I can't seem to get my legs going yet, get back on the ice. It's where I met her, its where I fell in love with her. The boys are begging me but I need time to tie my loose ends up. Frankly I don't even want to skate again, ever.
Mom asks me all the time if I am doing OK. White lies keep her off my back for now. My family is trying to fill the void left behind by Alana. Adrian told me he loved me today, first thing. "I love you Ceddy". First thing he usually tells me in the mornings is to not drink all the milk. Makes me laugh at that memory, once in his ten years of life have I drank the last of the milk before he got his coco puffs and that was 3 years ago. Today he stopped his tradition of acting angry over it. He sealed up that memory for me and it will travel with me to this afterlife I hear about.
April 23, 2013: Tuesday:
I stayed up late last night with my dad. I wanted to express to him how important he has been my life. How I never refer to him as my step dad. He is the only dad I have ever known. I told him I have never felt he treated me differently even though he was tough on me about being a big brother and setting a good example. I admire George, he's a step up father who keeps our family focused and moving. I thanked him for his support through losing Alana and let him know I wanted to spend more time with him one on one. I hate I will disappoint him on the big brother end but he will understand, after all he is the one that told me "this will not be your first broken heart, or the last friend you lose". It will George, it will be my only broken heart and it will be the last person I lose. I just need to stay focused and avoid getting back into life on earth.
April 24, 2013: Wednesday:
I struggled to get out of bed today. I felt like I had an anchor in my chest weighing me down. I reminded myself it was just a heavy broken heart and then I told myself to act like this was last summer when Alana and her family went on that two week cruise and I was stranded here without her. Mason and Tanner stopped by this morning, trying to drag me to skate. We sat out back on the patio for a couple hours catching up on what I have been missing out on. The stories are always funny but laughing on the outside was masking what I wasn't caring about on the inside.
It's not hard to fool people that you are not in the walk of life anymore. I can see how easily Alana fooled me about happiness. She never gave anyone reason to be suspicious and either will I. My boys left knowing I was doing alright and I will skate with them soon. After a while they will give up asking and just move on, because that is the easy thing to do. I like that about my boys. If I need them they will be there, if they don't hear from me I'm doing OK. Except for my pesky friend Jett, the modern day Jesus, he checks in at least 2x a day.
April 25, 2012: Thursday:
Alana's mom called me this morning and invited me to dinner. "we love you Ce'dric and we want you to remain a part of our lives". I thanked her and promised her I would make my way over but today I promised the boys I would skate and I was going to hang out with my brothers. A lie. Much like the lies everyone was telling me about how the pain would go away. Not said to be harmful but more to be comforting. I realized at that moment I would live out the remainder of my time on earth telling lies, to avoid the truth.
April 26, 2013: Friday:
Fridays really are the worst days for me right now. The weekend was were Alana and I would find time to be together. I had games on Fridays and Saturdays at night she would come to and during the day on Saturday and Sunday I would hang out with her and her family at her siblings sporting events. Sometimes I would drag Adrian along after he begged me. But always it would be the weekends where Alana and I would get our time together beyond texting and skyping. Today seemed like it was not going to end well. My body just would not motivate itself to do much more then lay around the house. Mom telling me to snap out of this, that I cannot go through life doing nothing. "I know mom, I know", I would say back.
I knew I had to get moving on my plans. Spend more time with my brothers to make sure when I leave they function better without me then I am without Alana. They are young, they will recover quicker then I am. They will have reasons to live beyond their pain. My boy Jett would save me a lot from this feeling without even knowing it, texting me several times a day, reminding me to keep up the pace of life so everyone would stay off my back about getting back into the game.
April 27, 2013: Saturday:
I stopped by Alana's families house today. It would be two weeks ago she died, one week ago she was laid to rest. It was a nice visit, I missed them. Such good people. We talked about what we have all been up to. More lies from me, I took it they were telling the truth. Hugs and tears and smiles. I didn't mind the memories of talking about Alana and the past and it seemed to help her parents.
They were nice about me asking if I could spend a few moments in Alana's room. Her dad reminded me that it has remained untouched for now. That in the next few weeks they would be in there and take care of what they could. It must be horrible for them all to walk by that door everyday and feel the emptiness of the room where they lost her. I won't go out like that, I will leave the house and not leave that feeling there for them.
I sat on her bed, as I had once before, looking at the rope she used to end her pain. I took it down, I thought that might be helpful to her family, to rid them of that ghostly task. I put the loop around my neck to see what that felt like. I tightened it, again, to feel what Alana might have felt if even for only a few seconds. I could end this right now I thought, but I have to get my family set, I have to finalize some things in my life so they will not have to sit and go through this like Alana'a family will. I would be back to this room again soon, but for now I opened her window and threw the rope out where I could retrieve it before I left. I shut her door behind me and whispered to her spirit "see you soon baby".
April 28, 2013: Sunday:
Mass. I should be more excited then I am to go today. But it seems pointless to me. Sit in a church pew with my family across from Alana's family, everyone looking, everyone thinking about what they should say. It is becoming a bore to me. I do wish people would shut up and move on like they are telling me I should. The words mean less and less to me and I just want to scream "I'm leaving too so save your breath". I'm not angry, I'm not tired, I'm not anything. I just want to be left more and more alone as the days pass.
April 29, 2013: Monday:
My celly beeps. It's not even 6am. I know it's Jett. "lets go workout". I ignore it as if I didn't hear it. He's starting to push me to get back in the rink. I will hear about this later but today I just want to sleep more. I am almost done making my agenda for the next month. My bucket list. June will be here faster then I know it and I need to get things going so I don't fall behind. Planning for your future is hard enough, planning your death is even harder. I need to be careful, there are just two people it will be hard to fool, Jett and myself. We are the only two I can see foiling this plan. I knew I could keep up my end of this deal, and I was pretty certain I could ward Jett off if he became to pushy.
April 30, 2013: Tuesday:
The rope. I didn't really have any plans for it other then throwing it away to protect Alana's family from having to deal with it. Her dad called my dad telling him I must have the rope. He didn't care beyond thinking I would use it really, he just wanted to heads up my dad. My dad asked me for it and I gave it to him willingly. "I wasn't going to do anything stupid with that rope dad, I promise." We talked about that for a long two minutes. He agreed, it was a good thing to do but I should have told someone my reasoning. "we worry about you Ce'dric", "I know dad, I know." . I didn't tell him how many times I put that loop around my neck, just to see if I could feel what Alana felt. Now that he has the rope, that won't be something I will be able to do again.
I called Alana's dad and talked to him about it. I apologized. He thanked me for being so thoughtful. I asked if they had cleared out her room yet? No he told me, they just were not ready. I asked if I can come over and take a few things, He said anytime. I would make it over in a couple days I told him. I liked his family, they were kind. I felt badly that they were left wondering what they didn't see so they could help her. I knew the feeling, and I knew I had to wrap up my life so my family understood there was nothing they could do to keep me from her.
Ceddy, man, I'm not angry but I am hurt. I understand but I am confused. I do thank you for leaving this journal as it helps me realize the truth I brag about setting you free is much like the lies you used to free yourself. Whatever happened to "don't back up, don't back down"? Brae, it hurts to follow your final breaths on earth from your point of view. Miss you man ~ Jett
April 20, 2013: Saturday Night:
Nothing says real more then a casket being lowered down into the earth. I knew it was real, but seeing that today confirmed what I will have to do if I want to be with Alana. She is loved by so many people, how could you not see this Alana? The pain at mass today was about as unbearable as the pain in my heart. All I could think about was they would do this all in a couple months when I join you again. How sad for them, how spectacular for us.
I watched Avery and Adrian as they sat through mass, confused and sad for me. I will make sure they both know before I leave that this is not the end, that it will be the beginning. My boys were there in numbers today and that meant a lot to me. The respects they paid as they lowered your casket were appreciated. They loved her because I loved her. They will know. They will understand.
April 21, 2013: Sunday:
My heart is starting to feel empty now. My sadness seems to be stable. I think its because I am going to see her soon, sooner then I should yet not soon enough. More grief at mass today. More condolences from our church family. More lies really, about how this was by God's design and how I will be OK and how time will mend my aching heart. I smile and thank them for their kind lies, knowing that it will be sooner then they think.
Alana's mom sobbed frequently as her dad comforted her today. Her sister and brother sat in silence missing her, probably wondering what they could have done to keep her here. I will make sure Avery and Adrian know there is nothing they did, or could do, that would keep me from going to be with my love.
April 22, 2013: Monday:
Jett texts me every damn day. I didn't think about his pull with heaven and his spiritual being. He can't foil my plan but he talks a great game. I will miss his preaching to me and the boys about life and how important it is to stay on the right side of the sidewalk.
I can't seem to get my legs going yet, get back on the ice. It's where I met her, its where I fell in love with her. The boys are begging me but I need time to tie my loose ends up. Frankly I don't even want to skate again, ever.
Mom asks me all the time if I am doing OK. White lies keep her off my back for now. My family is trying to fill the void left behind by Alana. Adrian told me he loved me today, first thing. "I love you Ceddy". First thing he usually tells me in the mornings is to not drink all the milk. Makes me laugh at that memory, once in his ten years of life have I drank the last of the milk before he got his coco puffs and that was 3 years ago. Today he stopped his tradition of acting angry over it. He sealed up that memory for me and it will travel with me to this afterlife I hear about.
April 23, 2013: Tuesday:
I stayed up late last night with my dad. I wanted to express to him how important he has been my life. How I never refer to him as my step dad. He is the only dad I have ever known. I told him I have never felt he treated me differently even though he was tough on me about being a big brother and setting a good example. I admire George, he's a step up father who keeps our family focused and moving. I thanked him for his support through losing Alana and let him know I wanted to spend more time with him one on one. I hate I will disappoint him on the big brother end but he will understand, after all he is the one that told me "this will not be your first broken heart, or the last friend you lose". It will George, it will be my only broken heart and it will be the last person I lose. I just need to stay focused and avoid getting back into life on earth.
April 24, 2013: Wednesday:
I struggled to get out of bed today. I felt like I had an anchor in my chest weighing me down. I reminded myself it was just a heavy broken heart and then I told myself to act like this was last summer when Alana and her family went on that two week cruise and I was stranded here without her. Mason and Tanner stopped by this morning, trying to drag me to skate. We sat out back on the patio for a couple hours catching up on what I have been missing out on. The stories are always funny but laughing on the outside was masking what I wasn't caring about on the inside.
It's not hard to fool people that you are not in the walk of life anymore. I can see how easily Alana fooled me about happiness. She never gave anyone reason to be suspicious and either will I. My boys left knowing I was doing alright and I will skate with them soon. After a while they will give up asking and just move on, because that is the easy thing to do. I like that about my boys. If I need them they will be there, if they don't hear from me I'm doing OK. Except for my pesky friend Jett, the modern day Jesus, he checks in at least 2x a day.
April 25, 2012: Thursday:
Alana's mom called me this morning and invited me to dinner. "we love you Ce'dric and we want you to remain a part of our lives". I thanked her and promised her I would make my way over but today I promised the boys I would skate and I was going to hang out with my brothers. A lie. Much like the lies everyone was telling me about how the pain would go away. Not said to be harmful but more to be comforting. I realized at that moment I would live out the remainder of my time on earth telling lies, to avoid the truth.
April 26, 2013: Friday:
Fridays really are the worst days for me right now. The weekend was were Alana and I would find time to be together. I had games on Fridays and Saturdays at night she would come to and during the day on Saturday and Sunday I would hang out with her and her family at her siblings sporting events. Sometimes I would drag Adrian along after he begged me. But always it would be the weekends where Alana and I would get our time together beyond texting and skyping. Today seemed like it was not going to end well. My body just would not motivate itself to do much more then lay around the house. Mom telling me to snap out of this, that I cannot go through life doing nothing. "I know mom, I know", I would say back.
I knew I had to get moving on my plans. Spend more time with my brothers to make sure when I leave they function better without me then I am without Alana. They are young, they will recover quicker then I am. They will have reasons to live beyond their pain. My boy Jett would save me a lot from this feeling without even knowing it, texting me several times a day, reminding me to keep up the pace of life so everyone would stay off my back about getting back into the game.
April 27, 2013: Saturday:
I stopped by Alana's families house today. It would be two weeks ago she died, one week ago she was laid to rest. It was a nice visit, I missed them. Such good people. We talked about what we have all been up to. More lies from me, I took it they were telling the truth. Hugs and tears and smiles. I didn't mind the memories of talking about Alana and the past and it seemed to help her parents.
They were nice about me asking if I could spend a few moments in Alana's room. Her dad reminded me that it has remained untouched for now. That in the next few weeks they would be in there and take care of what they could. It must be horrible for them all to walk by that door everyday and feel the emptiness of the room where they lost her. I won't go out like that, I will leave the house and not leave that feeling there for them.
I sat on her bed, as I had once before, looking at the rope she used to end her pain. I took it down, I thought that might be helpful to her family, to rid them of that ghostly task. I put the loop around my neck to see what that felt like. I tightened it, again, to feel what Alana might have felt if even for only a few seconds. I could end this right now I thought, but I have to get my family set, I have to finalize some things in my life so they will not have to sit and go through this like Alana'a family will. I would be back to this room again soon, but for now I opened her window and threw the rope out where I could retrieve it before I left. I shut her door behind me and whispered to her spirit "see you soon baby".
April 28, 2013: Sunday:
Mass. I should be more excited then I am to go today. But it seems pointless to me. Sit in a church pew with my family across from Alana's family, everyone looking, everyone thinking about what they should say. It is becoming a bore to me. I do wish people would shut up and move on like they are telling me I should. The words mean less and less to me and I just want to scream "I'm leaving too so save your breath". I'm not angry, I'm not tired, I'm not anything. I just want to be left more and more alone as the days pass.
April 29, 2013: Monday:
My celly beeps. It's not even 6am. I know it's Jett. "lets go workout". I ignore it as if I didn't hear it. He's starting to push me to get back in the rink. I will hear about this later but today I just want to sleep more. I am almost done making my agenda for the next month. My bucket list. June will be here faster then I know it and I need to get things going so I don't fall behind. Planning for your future is hard enough, planning your death is even harder. I need to be careful, there are just two people it will be hard to fool, Jett and myself. We are the only two I can see foiling this plan. I knew I could keep up my end of this deal, and I was pretty certain I could ward Jett off if he became to pushy.
April 30, 2013: Tuesday:
The rope. I didn't really have any plans for it other then throwing it away to protect Alana's family from having to deal with it. Her dad called my dad telling him I must have the rope. He didn't care beyond thinking I would use it really, he just wanted to heads up my dad. My dad asked me for it and I gave it to him willingly. "I wasn't going to do anything stupid with that rope dad, I promise." We talked about that for a long two minutes. He agreed, it was a good thing to do but I should have told someone my reasoning. "we worry about you Ce'dric", "I know dad, I know." . I didn't tell him how many times I put that loop around my neck, just to see if I could feel what Alana felt. Now that he has the rope, that won't be something I will be able to do again.
I called Alana's dad and talked to him about it. I apologized. He thanked me for being so thoughtful. I asked if they had cleared out her room yet? No he told me, they just were not ready. I asked if I can come over and take a few things, He said anytime. I would make it over in a couple days I told him. I liked his family, they were kind. I felt badly that they were left wondering what they didn't see so they could help her. I knew the feeling, and I knew I had to wrap up my life so my family understood there was nothing they could do to keep me from her.
