As the two year anniversary of Gracie's death approaches I find myself going back and reading our blogs prior to that day. The memories are still so vivid of the times I spent with her as she prepared not just herself, but those around her, for the day God would bring her home to him. This particular blog holds so many emotions for me of her final days. Bless you Gracie, my angel in Heaven.
I was excited to go visit with Grace on this Monday, especially because she had text me yesterday morning early telling me she wanted to spend the day with her daddy and I can come and see her tomorrow. Well tomorrow is here and I really have missed my little friend and was excited to work more on our blogs and have some fun. My Aunt Mary in Pennsylvania had made me a blanket of different shades of pink, Grace's favorite color. I have to admit, I thought it would be a nice keepsake for myself actually, once Grace had passed. Meanwhile I thought, it would go well in her girly girl decked out pink bedroom.
The walls in Grace's bedroom are a very light pink, with ballet slippers a darker shade of pink stenciled around the room on all four walls, about half way down from the white ceiling. The carpet is a pale gray color and throughout the room on the floor were different size heart shaped rugs in various shades of pink. The bedroom set, consisting of a twin size bed, a tall dresser, a short double drawer wide dresser and a night table, are white wood. The handles on both dressers are pink heart nobs. There is a child's table with two chairs, also in white wood, with pink hearts painted all over the pieces. There is also a child size desk and chair that fitted into the deco perfectly with white hearts spread out on a bright pink background. The bedding is white with a comforter that is also white, adorned with pink ribbons throughout. The curtains are a shear white, pulled open and held with pink ribbons that match the ribbons on the comforter. A solid white window shade ran the length of the widow, and usually was only pulled down at the end of the day when Grace would be sleeping. The only 'odd' piece of furniture I found that seemed out of place, but not really, was the chair next to her bed. A solid light oak side chair, used for those times when her parents, or myself, would sit and read to Grace when she was resting in bed.
I remember the first time I visited Grace and saw her very girly pink bedroom. I would not be to far off in describing my reaction as shocking. It over whelmed me, being the manly man that I am. When we moved into the Misfit house there was not a trace of pink around. Only when my niece Olivia was born did pink things start appearing in the kids play area. Beyond that, the colors were very neutral and nature themed. Seeing all this pink in various shapes and shades was eye opening and took a bit of getting use to. The more I visited Grace, the more natural it felt to me for her to be in this setting. It really was well put together, and it was her domain, and she was happy in it, so I was happy for her.
I held the blanket made of different shades of pink close to my chest before I put it in the bag. Grace almost liked the gift bags more than she did the gifts in them. Yesterday I bought the ugliest bag you could imagine. A solid rust colored bag that was not even shiny, but dull. I laughed. I never took Grace an ugly bag before and I planned on gushing over my selection with her, telling her how it caught my eye right away. I thought it was just so pretty and would compliment the blanket I was taking her very well. Blanket in the bag, and I was on my way to visit Grace.
I always text Grace's mom's cell letting her know I would be there shortly. Most often it was Grace who had her mom's cell. I could tell who was holding it by the response I got back. If it was "OK" it was mom, if it was "OK dude" it was daughter. Today it was daughter. I never knew how I would find Grace, but most often she left me hanging at the door, pretty much begging her to let me in. A few times I swore she was on the floor leaning back against the door as I was ringing the bell, laughing at herself for making me wait. Today she was sitting on the porch swing, rocking her feet back and forth, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. "What are you up to already?", I asked her. "I just thought we could visit out here for a little bit before we go inside", she said.
It really was not that off the beaten path for us to sit out front and visit, talk about the weather, and do a little casual catch up. Today Grace asked me if Tommy got home safely and if George was still in town with 'us'. We visited about our tea party that my boys crashed and all the fun we had this past Saturday. I asked Grace if she enjoyed her Sunday with her daddy. She was exceptionally secretive about what they did together so I gave up asking her questions about it. Grace moved on from the conversation by asking "What is in the ugly bag Jett?" I gasped, "You think my bag is ugly? I think its a stupid sic bag Dude." She looked at the bag, then at me, "I do not think there is anything pretty about that bag at all." I laughed and told her it was for later. "Let's go write in our journals now Jett", she said as she stood up. "This is the last day for me to tell you what to write and then my story will be told." I was surprised by this announcement but thought about how we can use that time for fun now.
I grabbed my back pack, the ugly bag with Grace's blanket in it, and followed her into the house. She lead me straight to her room. I noticed Grace's barbie things sitting in the hall, just outside her bedroom. She has not played with them as far as I knew for about a week. I even offered but she said no, and offered up something else for us to do. She opened the door to her bedroom, which I felt was odd it was closed in the first place. I've never know for her bedroom door to be shut. I followed Grace into her room and like the day I first walked into that girly girl pink room and put my system into shock, I once again found myself in the same state of shock. There was not a trace of pink left in that room.
I walked around in disbelief, this was not Grace's room. I asked her what she did with all her pink? What happened to her room. Who did this? Who turned everything green? "Grace? Where are all your things? Where are all your toys? And your clothes? What did you do with everything that is yours?"
"Do you like it? I picked out all the colors. It is a grown up room now isn't it? Maybe sometimes you can come and stay here when you visit my mommy and my daddy." She walked over and climbed up on the once twin bed that was now a queen size. No more little girl room. No table and chairs. No desk. Even the dressers were gone and replaced with a long short dresser against the wall where the little girl desk had been. Everything was green, various shades of green. The carpet was now a tan beige color, absent of the heart shaped pink rugs. The only recognizable thing in the entire room was the light oak chair next to the now huge bed that surely would swallow up this tiny angel.
"It is very nice Grace, but why was this done to your room? You loved your pink room", I said. Grace explained to me how she did this for her mommy and daddy. How when she leaves her home for the last time and goes to the hospital to die, she does not want her parents to come back to this house and have to decided what to do with her room, or with her things. "So I had my daddy take all my things to the Cancer Center for all the kids that might get to live after their treatments. And I have my barbie things ready for you to take to Olivia. All my pink things went to the charity center to sell and the money helps mommy's and daddy's of sick kids."
I am immediately sick to my stomach. I remind myself to keep my feelings in check as to not upset Grace in any way. It proves to be difficult and does not go unnoticed by Grace. "Jett, I did it for my mommy and daddy. Do not be mad at me. I want them to be OK when I leave them. Now they will not have to feel like they should keep my room all girly and pink. It will be a good room for guests to stay in when they visit." I tell Grace I understand and it is a very nice room. She did a great job decorating it and it was real nice of her to help her parents out by deciding it should be done. With a tight hug and a smile, we get out our journals and for the last time in her little life, she will dictate the rest of her story to me, that one day will be intertwined with my side of her story and hopefully read by many many friends of ours, in a tribute to her life that she chose to share.
We are finished for the day, the final touches on her story as told by her, along with some singing and some reading and many many laughs. Grace was laying on the new big bed in the room that was once crowded with little girl furniture and toys. She looked so tiny, so fragile, so lost, in that big bed. I laid down next to Grace and grabbed her hand into mine. "Why green Dude?", I had asked her. "It's the color of my eyes Jett. I do not think my mommy and daddy know that is why I picked green. I could pick any color I wanted, but I picked green. I did that for me you know. It makes me feel like I will be watching them from everywhere in this room when they come here to try to find me." Grace is lying back staring at the ceiling, smiling big at her accomplishment. I watch her as her green eyes glisten with pride in the latest task she took on to make her parents life a little easier once she is gone.
"Jett, I have one more thing I need for you to help me with before my new room is done", she said as she sat up on the bed. I am almost fearful for what will be asked of me. For the last three hours I have been holding back so many emotions that are building up inside of me I do not know what one tiny thing would be said that will make me lose control and release them. "What is it Grace?"
Grace climbs off the bed and goes to her double wide sliding closet door freshly painted green like the walls. She slides the right side door open. "Bring your pen with you and come in here", she tells me. I do as she asks, getting on my knees and crawling in next to her as she stands at the back wall of the closet. Grace puts her right hand firmly against the wall, "Trace my hand for me Jett, and do it carefully. I want it to look nice you know." I do as Grace asks me to do and when I am done and she removes her hand, there is a perfectly good replica of her tiny little hand that will never grow any bigger. "Now put your left hand next to my outline on the wall and I will trace it for you." When she is done and I remove my hand from the wall, in front of me I see two hands, one adult size hand with a child's hand next to it as if they belonged together, despite the size difference. Grace hugs me as we are still inside her closet, "Thank you Jett, now it is complete."
I turn on my knees and crawl out of the closet. Grace jumps on my back for a ride, something she has done on occasion. I crawl to the bed and she hops off. "I think I want to rest Jett, when you go will you tell my mommy to come see me?", she asks. I kiss Grace on the cheek and tell her I think she did a beautiful job on redoing the room for her parents. "I will tell your mommy to come in Grace. Get some rest and I will see you tomorrow", I tell her.
Grace has slipped under the green comforter and has closed her eyes. She looked tired I thought, even more so then when I first came over today. I gather up my backpack and reach for the ugly bag, deciding I would rather take it home now and just let the green room stay green. "Leave the ugly bag here Jett", she says as her eyes are still closed. I put the bag back down on the floor, sitting it next to her pink kicks and leave her room. After talking with her mom and telling her Grace would like her to come to her room I leave the house. I force myself to get in my truck, start it up, and leave. I tell myself do not hesitate, do not stick around, just drive.
The thoughts that are going through my mind make me sick to my stomach. The words spoken by Grace were etched in my mind. "This will be the last day for me to tell you what to write ..." , "I did it for my mommy and my daddy" , " I want them to be OK when I leave". The color green, like her eyes. The two hands that will never get any bigger traced in the back of her closet. My heart is filled with sadness which puzzles me due to how much love Grace has filled it with. My eyes are filled with tears, even though I am not supposed to cry. How tired she looked today, a little paler, the shadows around her eyes a bit darker. She gave away almost every item of her belongings.
Grace was putting the finishing touches on her life. She was preparing us for life without her on earth. She was leaving her mark in the only place she has ever called home. Grace was at peace with herself. She was ready to go and was helping the rest of us get ready to let her go. It is hard not to be selfish when it comes to my little friend. I do not want to let her go, as if it is my choice to say stay or go.
I acted like I did not see the newest bruises on Grace's head today. I did not ask her about them and I did my best to over look them and focus on those green eyes that sparkled with excitement today. She never complains about any pain, so I can only hope she is without it. That Joey truly is with her and is easing the pain of headaches for her until she will rely on morphine to help her quietly and painlessly slip away from us and go to 'God's Park'.
The beginning of the end is here, and there is no turning back time now. I have to trust that the beginning of eternity for Grace will be a happy pleasant experience and push my broken heart aside and work on letting her go, to move forward with the courage and grace she has shown throughout the short time our lives have touched.
I can do this, I just do not want to.
I was excited to go visit with Grace on this Monday, especially because she had text me yesterday morning early telling me she wanted to spend the day with her daddy and I can come and see her tomorrow. Well tomorrow is here and I really have missed my little friend and was excited to work more on our blogs and have some fun. My Aunt Mary in Pennsylvania had made me a blanket of different shades of pink, Grace's favorite color. I have to admit, I thought it would be a nice keepsake for myself actually, once Grace had passed. Meanwhile I thought, it would go well in her girly girl decked out pink bedroom.
The walls in Grace's bedroom are a very light pink, with ballet slippers a darker shade of pink stenciled around the room on all four walls, about half way down from the white ceiling. The carpet is a pale gray color and throughout the room on the floor were different size heart shaped rugs in various shades of pink. The bedroom set, consisting of a twin size bed, a tall dresser, a short double drawer wide dresser and a night table, are white wood. The handles on both dressers are pink heart nobs. There is a child's table with two chairs, also in white wood, with pink hearts painted all over the pieces. There is also a child size desk and chair that fitted into the deco perfectly with white hearts spread out on a bright pink background. The bedding is white with a comforter that is also white, adorned with pink ribbons throughout. The curtains are a shear white, pulled open and held with pink ribbons that match the ribbons on the comforter. A solid white window shade ran the length of the widow, and usually was only pulled down at the end of the day when Grace would be sleeping. The only 'odd' piece of furniture I found that seemed out of place, but not really, was the chair next to her bed. A solid light oak side chair, used for those times when her parents, or myself, would sit and read to Grace when she was resting in bed.
I remember the first time I visited Grace and saw her very girly pink bedroom. I would not be to far off in describing my reaction as shocking. It over whelmed me, being the manly man that I am. When we moved into the Misfit house there was not a trace of pink around. Only when my niece Olivia was born did pink things start appearing in the kids play area. Beyond that, the colors were very neutral and nature themed. Seeing all this pink in various shapes and shades was eye opening and took a bit of getting use to. The more I visited Grace, the more natural it felt to me for her to be in this setting. It really was well put together, and it was her domain, and she was happy in it, so I was happy for her.
I held the blanket made of different shades of pink close to my chest before I put it in the bag. Grace almost liked the gift bags more than she did the gifts in them. Yesterday I bought the ugliest bag you could imagine. A solid rust colored bag that was not even shiny, but dull. I laughed. I never took Grace an ugly bag before and I planned on gushing over my selection with her, telling her how it caught my eye right away. I thought it was just so pretty and would compliment the blanket I was taking her very well. Blanket in the bag, and I was on my way to visit Grace.
I always text Grace's mom's cell letting her know I would be there shortly. Most often it was Grace who had her mom's cell. I could tell who was holding it by the response I got back. If it was "OK" it was mom, if it was "OK dude" it was daughter. Today it was daughter. I never knew how I would find Grace, but most often she left me hanging at the door, pretty much begging her to let me in. A few times I swore she was on the floor leaning back against the door as I was ringing the bell, laughing at herself for making me wait. Today she was sitting on the porch swing, rocking her feet back and forth, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. "What are you up to already?", I asked her. "I just thought we could visit out here for a little bit before we go inside", she said.
It really was not that off the beaten path for us to sit out front and visit, talk about the weather, and do a little casual catch up. Today Grace asked me if Tommy got home safely and if George was still in town with 'us'. We visited about our tea party that my boys crashed and all the fun we had this past Saturday. I asked Grace if she enjoyed her Sunday with her daddy. She was exceptionally secretive about what they did together so I gave up asking her questions about it. Grace moved on from the conversation by asking "What is in the ugly bag Jett?" I gasped, "You think my bag is ugly? I think its a stupid sic bag Dude." She looked at the bag, then at me, "I do not think there is anything pretty about that bag at all." I laughed and told her it was for later. "Let's go write in our journals now Jett", she said as she stood up. "This is the last day for me to tell you what to write and then my story will be told." I was surprised by this announcement but thought about how we can use that time for fun now.
I grabbed my back pack, the ugly bag with Grace's blanket in it, and followed her into the house. She lead me straight to her room. I noticed Grace's barbie things sitting in the hall, just outside her bedroom. She has not played with them as far as I knew for about a week. I even offered but she said no, and offered up something else for us to do. She opened the door to her bedroom, which I felt was odd it was closed in the first place. I've never know for her bedroom door to be shut. I followed Grace into her room and like the day I first walked into that girly girl pink room and put my system into shock, I once again found myself in the same state of shock. There was not a trace of pink left in that room.
I walked around in disbelief, this was not Grace's room. I asked her what she did with all her pink? What happened to her room. Who did this? Who turned everything green? "Grace? Where are all your things? Where are all your toys? And your clothes? What did you do with everything that is yours?"
"Do you like it? I picked out all the colors. It is a grown up room now isn't it? Maybe sometimes you can come and stay here when you visit my mommy and my daddy." She walked over and climbed up on the once twin bed that was now a queen size. No more little girl room. No table and chairs. No desk. Even the dressers were gone and replaced with a long short dresser against the wall where the little girl desk had been. Everything was green, various shades of green. The carpet was now a tan beige color, absent of the heart shaped pink rugs. The only recognizable thing in the entire room was the light oak chair next to the now huge bed that surely would swallow up this tiny angel.
"It is very nice Grace, but why was this done to your room? You loved your pink room", I said. Grace explained to me how she did this for her mommy and daddy. How when she leaves her home for the last time and goes to the hospital to die, she does not want her parents to come back to this house and have to decided what to do with her room, or with her things. "So I had my daddy take all my things to the Cancer Center for all the kids that might get to live after their treatments. And I have my barbie things ready for you to take to Olivia. All my pink things went to the charity center to sell and the money helps mommy's and daddy's of sick kids."
I am immediately sick to my stomach. I remind myself to keep my feelings in check as to not upset Grace in any way. It proves to be difficult and does not go unnoticed by Grace. "Jett, I did it for my mommy and daddy. Do not be mad at me. I want them to be OK when I leave them. Now they will not have to feel like they should keep my room all girly and pink. It will be a good room for guests to stay in when they visit." I tell Grace I understand and it is a very nice room. She did a great job decorating it and it was real nice of her to help her parents out by deciding it should be done. With a tight hug and a smile, we get out our journals and for the last time in her little life, she will dictate the rest of her story to me, that one day will be intertwined with my side of her story and hopefully read by many many friends of ours, in a tribute to her life that she chose to share.
We are finished for the day, the final touches on her story as told by her, along with some singing and some reading and many many laughs. Grace was laying on the new big bed in the room that was once crowded with little girl furniture and toys. She looked so tiny, so fragile, so lost, in that big bed. I laid down next to Grace and grabbed her hand into mine. "Why green Dude?", I had asked her. "It's the color of my eyes Jett. I do not think my mommy and daddy know that is why I picked green. I could pick any color I wanted, but I picked green. I did that for me you know. It makes me feel like I will be watching them from everywhere in this room when they come here to try to find me." Grace is lying back staring at the ceiling, smiling big at her accomplishment. I watch her as her green eyes glisten with pride in the latest task she took on to make her parents life a little easier once she is gone.
"Jett, I have one more thing I need for you to help me with before my new room is done", she said as she sat up on the bed. I am almost fearful for what will be asked of me. For the last three hours I have been holding back so many emotions that are building up inside of me I do not know what one tiny thing would be said that will make me lose control and release them. "What is it Grace?"
Grace climbs off the bed and goes to her double wide sliding closet door freshly painted green like the walls. She slides the right side door open. "Bring your pen with you and come in here", she tells me. I do as she asks, getting on my knees and crawling in next to her as she stands at the back wall of the closet. Grace puts her right hand firmly against the wall, "Trace my hand for me Jett, and do it carefully. I want it to look nice you know." I do as Grace asks me to do and when I am done and she removes her hand, there is a perfectly good replica of her tiny little hand that will never grow any bigger. "Now put your left hand next to my outline on the wall and I will trace it for you." When she is done and I remove my hand from the wall, in front of me I see two hands, one adult size hand with a child's hand next to it as if they belonged together, despite the size difference. Grace hugs me as we are still inside her closet, "Thank you Jett, now it is complete."
I turn on my knees and crawl out of the closet. Grace jumps on my back for a ride, something she has done on occasion. I crawl to the bed and she hops off. "I think I want to rest Jett, when you go will you tell my mommy to come see me?", she asks. I kiss Grace on the cheek and tell her I think she did a beautiful job on redoing the room for her parents. "I will tell your mommy to come in Grace. Get some rest and I will see you tomorrow", I tell her.
Grace has slipped under the green comforter and has closed her eyes. She looked tired I thought, even more so then when I first came over today. I gather up my backpack and reach for the ugly bag, deciding I would rather take it home now and just let the green room stay green. "Leave the ugly bag here Jett", she says as her eyes are still closed. I put the bag back down on the floor, sitting it next to her pink kicks and leave her room. After talking with her mom and telling her Grace would like her to come to her room I leave the house. I force myself to get in my truck, start it up, and leave. I tell myself do not hesitate, do not stick around, just drive.
The thoughts that are going through my mind make me sick to my stomach. The words spoken by Grace were etched in my mind. "This will be the last day for me to tell you what to write ..." , "I did it for my mommy and my daddy" , " I want them to be OK when I leave". The color green, like her eyes. The two hands that will never get any bigger traced in the back of her closet. My heart is filled with sadness which puzzles me due to how much love Grace has filled it with. My eyes are filled with tears, even though I am not supposed to cry. How tired she looked today, a little paler, the shadows around her eyes a bit darker. She gave away almost every item of her belongings.
Grace was putting the finishing touches on her life. She was preparing us for life without her on earth. She was leaving her mark in the only place she has ever called home. Grace was at peace with herself. She was ready to go and was helping the rest of us get ready to let her go. It is hard not to be selfish when it comes to my little friend. I do not want to let her go, as if it is my choice to say stay or go.
I acted like I did not see the newest bruises on Grace's head today. I did not ask her about them and I did my best to over look them and focus on those green eyes that sparkled with excitement today. She never complains about any pain, so I can only hope she is without it. That Joey truly is with her and is easing the pain of headaches for her until she will rely on morphine to help her quietly and painlessly slip away from us and go to 'God's Park'.
The beginning of the end is here, and there is no turning back time now. I have to trust that the beginning of eternity for Grace will be a happy pleasant experience and push my broken heart aside and work on letting her go, to move forward with the courage and grace she has shown throughout the short time our lives have touched.
I can do this, I just do not want to.
