I remember the day Ce'dric first met Alana. I had already experienced laying eyes on the girl I knew in my heart I would someday marry. So I got it, I knew when he said it, how his heart felt. The boys didn't get it, because when you play hockey the guys come first and girls are third behind skating. It's the way we rolled, well the way they rolled, including Ceddy. Then we went to open public skating just for something to do. We packed ourselves into two cars and headed for the rink. The ride for me was miserable, I had a girl and the rest of the boys didn't really get why I had priorities above them and skating. I just sat and took the ribbing from them, including Ceddy. Until the walk into the rink that is, when Alana walked by our gang of skaters headed into the rink. Ceddy was gone from the moment he laid eyes on her and I knew then that he felt exactly what I felt the day I first laid eyes on Kristy.
I get it Cedz, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I felt betrayed as I ever have by the one guy in our gang that understood how easy it was to walk away from the guys into a girls arms. To avoid them when they put pressure on to grab the skates and take off, or grab the trunks and head for the cape. But the girl wasn't supposed to take you completely out of their lives. Not like this man, not like this.
They say the worst pain in the world is the pain you feel that no one can see. The pain that cannot be gauged on a scale of 1 to 10. The pain that no time can ever heal. The pain of a broken heart. Well you broke a lot of hearts Ce'dric and I can't believe you know that pain and knowingly left it inside your parents hearts, your brothers hearts, your family's hearts, and your friends heart. I just cannot get passed that. I just cannot. ~ Jett
May 18, 2013: Saturday
Family day. We went to Grandma and Grandpa Lee's house. Big food fest and fun in honor of Grandpa L's 70th birthday. Smiles, laughs, fun with the cousins. No one mentioned Alana or the tragedy of it all. I saw the looks though and I could tell who was talking to my dad about it. I imagined they were asking how I was doing. I've lied so much about that to my parents they are now unknowingly spreading those lies for me.
It was perhaps the longest day yet. No where to go to get away. No where to just sit and relax my mind from the exhausting task of showing how well I am dealing with life. Grandpa L teased everyone how this was the last birthday bash, that it could be the last time we enjoyed cake and ice cream with him. He thought he was joking, if only he knew it would be my last time. I am sure I will see the Grand L's again before I depart this world but I hugged them real tight before we left. Hugs that will get me to where I am going. Hugs I wont ever forget how they felt.
May 19, 2013: Sunday
I'm going to church with Jett today mom. LIE. I'm going to hang out at his house today with the guys mom. LIE. Don't worry mom, they will feed me good. TRUTH. Lie's win again today, I told more lies then I did truths. Sad I know but the truth will NOT set me free, or at least as free as I want to be.
Another stupid weekend passed, another weekend closer to my final destination, my final departure. I remember when the weekends didn't last long enough and flew by with the girl of my dreams, Alana. Now they drag on endlessly, no matter how much I have going on. Just die already is the phrase I say in my mind when I just want crap to go away.
May 20, 2013: Monday
Shoot me dead already. Woke up to a list of chores from mom. Maybe I should of played the sympathy card a bit longer. I got it done though, and more. Today I started clearing my room of crap that doesn't matter. I had to be careful to not remove the stuff that my mom thought matters to me. She would spot that quickly. I couldn't discard my crap in the trash here so I took it to thrift store on the other side of town. I can't wait really, to get to the bare minimum of my belongings. I already had a box in the back of my closet for Addie, stuff he would want I know. I don't know how I got so much closer to him then I have Avery. Going to have to work on that. Just added to a bucket list I was nearly done with. Not my plan but I want Av's to know I love him and this wasn't about him and me.
May 21, 2013: Tuesday
Drove by the rink today. Funny I didn't miss the skating that went on there. What I missed was Alana. It was where I met her. Where I first saw her walking across the lot to open skating. I told the boys that day as I pointed her out "that's her, that's the girl I will marry, just you wait and see". June 22 at 10:15pm, the moment I first laid eyes on that pretty girl with the pretty smile. That's the day that will be etched forever in the minds of everyone I leave behind. Alana made a liar out of me but that's OK, she knows I am on my way. Joe laughed that day at me, I remember how pissed off I got. The rest of the guys just walked away, I'm sure knowing it would never happen. Jett patted me on the back and wished me luck, "girls are worth the pain buddy" he said. Yes, Jett, they are.
May 22, 2014: Wednesday
Dammit, I got into it with mom today. Spending too much time in my room. Quite fighting with your brother. I don't know what Avery's deal is, he is always pushing my buttons. Does he know? Does he suspect? What is this all about with him? I need to try harder with him. I told mom I was sorry, I told Avery I was going to be a better brother to him. He's just different then Addie is. I can't remember when this all started. I wonder if Alana's death has effected him. I have less then a month to figure this out. A small snag in my plans but I can mend this.
May 23, 2014: Thursday
Thirsty Thursday. Hanging with the boys tonight was a bit refreshing. A good get away from my house. First time I consumed since Alana left. The day she swung was the day we were going to celebrate her 21st birthday. Just a month or so shy of the day we met but I couldn't wait anymore. It would be a birthday gift she would never forget. Our first legal drink together, the day I was going to ask her. Pop the questions. Marry me Alana. Nothing spectacular just a question and an answer. We talked about the future together for months.
I cant help but wonder if I went to her that morning would she still of swung to her death that afternoon. She surely did not suspect what was coming right? She wouldn't have done this to us had she known. Why did I wait? Why? I'm sorry Alana, for not being able to save you from the mean girls. I promise you I will not leave until they are haunted through their lives. I've already started that plan, leave them suffering, feeling what they put you through.
May 24, 2014: Friday
I cried all day. All day. The pain in my heart made it bleed through my eyes. I miss her. I need to be with her. It's hard not to leave tonight. Hard to hide the truth tonight but what the hell, let mom and dad see the sad. See the tears. I'm OK mom I promise its just been a long tiring day. Just missing her tonight, you know it's Friday and they are hard for me.
I let her down, as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a future husband to her. I didn't see the any signs to indicate she was unhappy. I don't understand how I missed the broken in the girl I loved with all my heart and soul. In the next 28 days I hope to leave with proof of how one can hide their sadness from those closest to their heart. I want to leave knowing there was nothing I could of done, nothing I could of seen, no sign of the troubles that took my Alana away.
I get it Cedz, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I felt betrayed as I ever have by the one guy in our gang that understood how easy it was to walk away from the guys into a girls arms. To avoid them when they put pressure on to grab the skates and take off, or grab the trunks and head for the cape. But the girl wasn't supposed to take you completely out of their lives. Not like this man, not like this.
They say the worst pain in the world is the pain you feel that no one can see. The pain that cannot be gauged on a scale of 1 to 10. The pain that no time can ever heal. The pain of a broken heart. Well you broke a lot of hearts Ce'dric and I can't believe you know that pain and knowingly left it inside your parents hearts, your brothers hearts, your family's hearts, and your friends heart. I just cannot get passed that. I just cannot. ~ Jett
May 18, 2013: Saturday
Family day. We went to Grandma and Grandpa Lee's house. Big food fest and fun in honor of Grandpa L's 70th birthday. Smiles, laughs, fun with the cousins. No one mentioned Alana or the tragedy of it all. I saw the looks though and I could tell who was talking to my dad about it. I imagined they were asking how I was doing. I've lied so much about that to my parents they are now unknowingly spreading those lies for me.
It was perhaps the longest day yet. No where to go to get away. No where to just sit and relax my mind from the exhausting task of showing how well I am dealing with life. Grandpa L teased everyone how this was the last birthday bash, that it could be the last time we enjoyed cake and ice cream with him. He thought he was joking, if only he knew it would be my last time. I am sure I will see the Grand L's again before I depart this world but I hugged them real tight before we left. Hugs that will get me to where I am going. Hugs I wont ever forget how they felt.
May 19, 2013: Sunday
I'm going to church with Jett today mom. LIE. I'm going to hang out at his house today with the guys mom. LIE. Don't worry mom, they will feed me good. TRUTH. Lie's win again today, I told more lies then I did truths. Sad I know but the truth will NOT set me free, or at least as free as I want to be.
Another stupid weekend passed, another weekend closer to my final destination, my final departure. I remember when the weekends didn't last long enough and flew by with the girl of my dreams, Alana. Now they drag on endlessly, no matter how much I have going on. Just die already is the phrase I say in my mind when I just want crap to go away.
May 20, 2013: Monday
Shoot me dead already. Woke up to a list of chores from mom. Maybe I should of played the sympathy card a bit longer. I got it done though, and more. Today I started clearing my room of crap that doesn't matter. I had to be careful to not remove the stuff that my mom thought matters to me. She would spot that quickly. I couldn't discard my crap in the trash here so I took it to thrift store on the other side of town. I can't wait really, to get to the bare minimum of my belongings. I already had a box in the back of my closet for Addie, stuff he would want I know. I don't know how I got so much closer to him then I have Avery. Going to have to work on that. Just added to a bucket list I was nearly done with. Not my plan but I want Av's to know I love him and this wasn't about him and me.
May 21, 2013: Tuesday
Drove by the rink today. Funny I didn't miss the skating that went on there. What I missed was Alana. It was where I met her. Where I first saw her walking across the lot to open skating. I told the boys that day as I pointed her out "that's her, that's the girl I will marry, just you wait and see". June 22 at 10:15pm, the moment I first laid eyes on that pretty girl with the pretty smile. That's the day that will be etched forever in the minds of everyone I leave behind. Alana made a liar out of me but that's OK, she knows I am on my way. Joe laughed that day at me, I remember how pissed off I got. The rest of the guys just walked away, I'm sure knowing it would never happen. Jett patted me on the back and wished me luck, "girls are worth the pain buddy" he said. Yes, Jett, they are.
May 22, 2014: Wednesday
Dammit, I got into it with mom today. Spending too much time in my room. Quite fighting with your brother. I don't know what Avery's deal is, he is always pushing my buttons. Does he know? Does he suspect? What is this all about with him? I need to try harder with him. I told mom I was sorry, I told Avery I was going to be a better brother to him. He's just different then Addie is. I can't remember when this all started. I wonder if Alana's death has effected him. I have less then a month to figure this out. A small snag in my plans but I can mend this.
May 23, 2014: Thursday
Thirsty Thursday. Hanging with the boys tonight was a bit refreshing. A good get away from my house. First time I consumed since Alana left. The day she swung was the day we were going to celebrate her 21st birthday. Just a month or so shy of the day we met but I couldn't wait anymore. It would be a birthday gift she would never forget. Our first legal drink together, the day I was going to ask her. Pop the questions. Marry me Alana. Nothing spectacular just a question and an answer. We talked about the future together for months.
I cant help but wonder if I went to her that morning would she still of swung to her death that afternoon. She surely did not suspect what was coming right? She wouldn't have done this to us had she known. Why did I wait? Why? I'm sorry Alana, for not being able to save you from the mean girls. I promise you I will not leave until they are haunted through their lives. I've already started that plan, leave them suffering, feeling what they put you through.
May 24, 2014: Friday
I cried all day. All day. The pain in my heart made it bleed through my eyes. I miss her. I need to be with her. It's hard not to leave tonight. Hard to hide the truth tonight but what the hell, let mom and dad see the sad. See the tears. I'm OK mom I promise its just been a long tiring day. Just missing her tonight, you know it's Friday and they are hard for me.
I let her down, as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a future husband to her. I didn't see the any signs to indicate she was unhappy. I don't understand how I missed the broken in the girl I loved with all my heart and soul. In the next 28 days I hope to leave with proof of how one can hide their sadness from those closest to their heart. I want to leave knowing there was nothing I could of done, nothing I could of seen, no sign of the troubles that took my Alana away.
