It's been 107 days since the earth lost little Lars when at the age of eight he went Beyond A Breath Of Life to live an eternal life with God. It has been 107 days since someone I am close to has died. It has been 107 days since I attended a wake, a funeral, a death meal. It has been 107 days since I said good bye to someone's soul as it soared up to the heavens. One hundred and seven days.
Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my friend Ce'dric. Three hundred and sixty five days since he went Beyond A Breath Of Life (.click here to read Ce'dric's final days) Yes, I count the days behind me as they move forward without those I love next to me on earth.
I could not be in Boston today as Ce'dric's family celebrates the anniversary of his death. Business travel has taken me to the other side of the United States. I say celebrate because I sat with Ce'dric's dad, (George) and his two younger brothers (Adrian and Avery) a couple of weeks ago as they reflected on the upcoming anniversary of his death.
The anger for them is gone, they have come to accept that Ce'dric taking his own life was not about his love for them. It is difficult to comprehend how his love for them was not strong enough to keep him amongst the living, but his love for his soul mate Alana was strong enough for him to want to die. (Alana herself had died a few months earlier).
The fear for them is gone. They no longer fear what tomorrow brings. They have worked through this fear for the entire year as time moved forward. While they want their son/brother back with them they no longer feel the fear they first experienced when Ce'dric left them on that day that will always seem like just yesterday.
They will forever miss him, but they no longer will mourn the life they will never have back with them until they themselves reach eternal life. They will now focus on the memories of when he was alive. The good times always out weighed the bad times. Ce'dric was an awesome brother, they would tell you. Ce'dric was our best friend they say. Ce'dric is happy now.
I have spent a year now with the family Ce'dric left behind to grieve and mourn his untimely death. I have interacted with his family on many levels. We have attended mass together, we have celebrated holidays together, we have golfed, played soccer, played hockey, played football. In a years time we have shared anger, tears, confusion. We have searched for answers in our hearts, in our souls, in our minds. We have talked about the why's? The how's? The reasons? The blame. We have shared stories of our time spent with Ce'dric. We have fought through feelings of lonesomeness, worthiness, sadness. We have become one in our sadness and our grief.
I year ago today I was shocked and stunned to learn about the death of my friend Ce'dric. I have faced death so many times on so many different levels but for some reason Ce'dric death brought forth an anger I had never experienced. I had a need to understand how he could leave behind two brothers who he meant the world to. Two brothers he loved so much and spent so much time with. I found a way to deal with that anger without realizing that was what I was doing. I took on the role of big brother to them, spending time with them on an almost weekly basis. While I knew I could never replace the role Ce'dric was in their lives, I knew I could continue to set an example for them in their daily lives to be the best they could be.
What the three of us ended up doing was helping each other through a tragic event. An event that effected us all in the same way, but with different degree's of grief. I was not just there to support and help them, they also became two little guys who supported and helped me. Our bond is as strong as a brotherhood could be. No blood line was needed to think of each other as family. Last week when I picked up Avery to go take some photo shots of life in the city of Boston we visited Ce'dric at the location of his death. We sat against a tree near his final resting place and talked about the life now gone.
Avery made the statement "If Ce'dric hadn't died we would never be close like this. I wonder if he knew what he was doing." That statement has never been far from my thoughts. It has me reflecting on all the tragic moments in my life, as well as all the good ones. Had one thing not happened, the next may never of come along. Had my brother Joey never died, I may have never even met Ce'dric which means I would never have met his two younger brothers which means I would never have two more people in my life to help me grow.
"IT IS WHAT IT IS" was Ce'dric phrase. Through the good times and the bad times in his life, he always lived by that saying. All but one. Alana's death, the love of his life, would prove that not always is it "what it is". Someday we will all find that one moment in life where we will not longer be able to live by that phrase, but until then, there is life to be lived, there are people to be loved. There are pictures to be taken, there are games to be played. Songs to be sung. Prayers to be prayed.
It has been 2693 days since my brother Joey died. (click here to read my first blog ever)
