The Perfect Fan (link)
If I could ask for anything I would ask for one more day. One more day to spend with my mom before she had a stroke. I hate that the final days I spent with her was when she was on life support, not really dead, but not really alive. I got to talk to her all I wanted, but I don't know if she heard what I was talking to her about. I have no idea if she heard me tell her how much I loved her and how much I wished she would just wake up. I have no idea if she could feel me hold her hand, kiss her forehead, or touch her cheek. I have no idea if she could feel me lay my head on her shoulder and whisper to her that I really wasn't ready to let her go.
Not that I would ever really be ready to let her go, or anyone else I loved for that matter. I just really had so much I wanted to talk to her about. I wanted to hear her say she was proud of me for what I accomplished in life and how proud of me she was for the goals I had set for myself for a better future. I wanted her to tell me how happy I have made her to be my mom, how much she enjoyed all the good times we shared. I wanted to hear it from her, in her own words, in her own voice.
I wonder if she could hear us talking about her, about letting her go. If she could hear us discuss turning off the machines and leaving it up to her whether she stayed or whether she left. I want to know if she could hear the pain in our voices, if she saw the pain in our hearts as we talked over the options that would see her live, or see her die. Does she know we wished she would open her eyes, squeeze our hands, or anything that would give us a sign she could hear us. Does she know we waited several times, for several minutes, waiting for some movement that would tell us what her wishes were. Does she know we tried to figure out what she would want? That we tried to figure out what she would do?
When I sat with her for my 30 minutes before we made the decision to take her off life support did she know that I cried because I was afraid to live the rest of my life without her? Did she hear me when I sang 'I'm A Little Teapot' to her, hoping she would remember how often we sang that song together after she taught it to me? Could she see the pain in my eyes, the single tear roll down my face when I stared at her laying there as I wondered if she had any fight left in her to come back to us? Did she know I was there, by her side, as she breathed her last breath? Does she know I did not leave her and I didn't want her to leave me?
NEVER QUESTION GOD, NEVER BARTER WITH satan. I try very hard to not make deals with God or the devil. When you lose someone from your life before you feel you should have, you feel cheated. You wonder what you ever did that would possibly make God or the devil want to take away your happiness. If God loves you, why did he take away a piece of you? If the devil wants you on his team, why would he allow your happiness to be stolen?
I don't get to ask for another day, I just have to live with the day I got. The answer to my questions will never be answered, never be confirmed. Did we do the right thing? Did we do the wrong thing? Would she have lived? Would she still have died? Does she know we stayed with her so she didn't die alone? Does she know the fear that surrounded her when her heart stopped beating? Would another day have made a difference?
I love you mom and not a day passes by that I do not miss you. Not a day goes by that I do not have memories of our years together. I see mothers with sons everywhere I go and the pain comes back stronger than the day we lost you. I hear mothers talking about their children and I wonder if you would be that proud of me. I feel the love between the mothers and their children as they hold hands, hug, sing, and dance. I am happy for them, but I am sad for me. I want that. I want that back. I want you here with me, to help me, to teach me, to show me. To be proud of me, to brag about me, to tell me everything is going to be alright when I don't want to do it any more. To hear your voice, your laughter. To see your smile and the sparkle in your eyes. I want it back and there are days like today when I don't know how much longer I can wait to see you again. To be a family again. To feel the love, see the love, receive the love and give the love that a mother and son should get to share for longer then 18 years.
If I had one more day I would make sure you knew how much I love you. If I had one more day I would make sure you knew how honored I am that you are my mom. If I had one more day I would show you that you can be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. If I had one more day I would never let you go. If I had one more day ...
The Perfect Fan (click this link to hear how much I love my mom)
