Faith: Only God Will Ever Love You More Than You Love Yourself

Faith begins inside of ourselves.  That seed was planted inside of us the day we were born.  What we learn about faith as we grow older in age is what we use to build our faith.  It is important to understand that while Faith in God is our ultimate  happiness in a world that seems to spin out of control, faith in ourselves is just as important.  The more we trust and believe in ourselves, the stronger our Faith in God.

We often hear the phrase 'God will not give us more then we can handle'.  I personally have read the Bible cover to cover three complete times and not once have I come across that quote in the Bible.  I am by no means and expert on the Bible and His teaches, but based on my memory of what I feel comes as close to that quote in the Bible can be found in 1 Corinthians 10:13.  

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. King James Version

Temptations in life is what builds upon our faith.  They should not be looked at as if God is testing us, for without temptations we never learn right from wrong and our faith never grows stronger.  What God is telling us is that as we live on the earth he created in an effort to prepare us for eternal life it will be the decisions we make that determines our fate.  

Life is full of temptations and how we act upon those temptations will define how much faith we have in ourselves.  When we are at the lowest of our lows in life is when we tend to make the worst decisions.  When I stop and think about all the challenges that life placed in front of me I think about them from the point of view as to how others have treated me.  Being physically, mentally and sexually abused by my birth dad from the ages of seven to fourteen left me wondering what was it about me that this had happened to me?  I struggle deeply with this question often, even six years later at the age of 20. 

What I am beginning to understand about those seven years of the 'ickies' in my life is that the temptation was placed inside of my birth dad, not inside of me.  It was temptation that was placed in front of him that lead to the abuse he inflicted upon me and my brothers.  Religion and God was not a part of my birth dads life in any aspect what so ever.  My birth dad had no faith, not in God and not in himself.  He did not trust and believe in himself and that led him to a life of temptation that he was sure to fail as it was placed in front of him.

The temptation placed in front of myself was how I would survive the abuse inflicted upon me.  I believe in myself and I am starting to trust myself that I am a good Christian man with great insight that my journey on earth will lead me to the final leg of my journey with God.  That beyond this breath of life I live on earth awaits an eternal life where I will rest peacefully in the comfort of all the temptations I avoided in a world where they were plentiful.

I feel that as the world spins, we as human beings lose more and more of what God had in mind when he created his garden and planted the seeds of faith in Adam and Eve.  It's incredibly sad to me that our prison system houses a larger population than our churches attendance on any given Sunday.  I am not a firm believer that you have to attend a church to have a strong value of faith.  I personally attend Mass each Sunday where I find a peaceful calm overtake any stress of life I may have been hoarding inside of me prior to Sunday services.  However I feel whether you are praying with a congregation or alone, God's will is being done.

I would like to stress how important it is that we believe in ourselves.  That we trust we are a good person in today's world.  That we have faith in who we are and that we reach beyond the temptations in our lives that try to destroy our minds, our hearts, and our souls.  As we walk through life on earth we will experience heartache and pain, often at the hands of others.

No one has the right the destroy our self worth, and we owe it to ourselves to surround ourselves with people who will help us build on our relationship with ourselves and not continue to try and destroy that.  We should allow ourselves the heartache that comes with broken relationships without it destroying our faith in who we are.  We should recognize those people in our lives that continue to chip away at our happiness and self worth.  We should love ourselves first and not be afraid to be alone as we journey through life.  We should believe in ourselves enough to have the patience to wait a life time if that is what it takes to find that one person in life who will love us for who we are.  That one person who will build on how we feel about ourselves, how we love ourselves, how we trust ourselves and how we believe in ourselves.

Letting go of something or someone in our lives that is destroying who we are, or who we want to be, is probably one of the greatest temptations we will have placed in front of us.  If you find yourself in a relationship where you are feeling the need to defend who you are, or you are thinking less of yourself at the hands of another, you more then likely are with someone who does not believe, or trust, or love themselves.  I spent years with a birth dad who never learned how to love himself that left me wondering what was wrong with me.  I spend years with a birth dad who thought so little of himself that he made it his mission to destroy any hope and faith his family had for a happy existence on earth.

You have to love yourself before others will love you.  You have to have faith in the life you chose to live before you can share it with others.  You have to believe in yourself, heart and soul, before others will treat you like you deserve to be treated.  And if they do not, you should rightfully excuse yourself out of their lives, for they did not pass the temptation in front of them to be to you who you were to them.

When you choose to degrade others you are really showing a side of you that you are trying to hide.  Treat everyone with the same kindness and respect you would like to be treated.  MATTHEW 7:1 'judge not others and you will not be judged ...'  IS a quote from the bible.  You are not liable for others temptations in life therefore you have no right to judge the trails and tribulations of those around you.  Bad things happen to good people and you only show your own weakness's when you judge them as they struggle through their hardships.  You will NEVER make yourself look better by trying to make someone else look bad.  Just be kind and work on who you are, instead of trying to convince others who someone else is not.


“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Amazing Grace 46: Grace's Sunday Blessing

I don't know how I ended up at the Children's Hospital today but sometimes you find yourself in the right place, even if you don't know how you got there.  I had just left Sunday mass where I sat for over an hour thinking about my little Amazing Grace and the absence of her in my life now.  It's not that I don't miss her everyday, but for some reason the last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about the time we shared together in the final days of her life on earth.  Several times in the past two weeks I have talked to and seen her parents, Bill and Annie. 

They always tell me they are doing well, express how much they miss her, and how grateful they are to God to have had her in their life even if only for such a short time.  I always respond to that on how much I miss Gracie, how alive I keep her in my heart, and how thankful I am to them for allowing me to spend time with Gracie in the final months of her life.

However, the eyes always reveal the inner truth that the heart and the mind so easily hide.  I look at Bill and I can almost see his sad heart through the eyes that no longer hold the sparkle I witnessed when he was playing with his little princess even in the final days of her life.  Annie's eyes reveal even more of a deep sadness for the child she watched slowly slip away from the life she had planned out for her.  I see the sadness in her eyes as she tries to shield it from me with her smile.  In the months since Gracie has left us I still see the struggle they face in their lives, missing the gift God gave them, and then took away.

Searching for the reasoning behind God's plan for our lives is sometimes cumbersome when we hang on to the sadness and anger that invade our hearts when it is ripped open.  Time heals all wounds is a phrase you often hear from others trying to comfort those who have been physically injured, or from wounds to the heart when loved ones have passed.  The problem I have with this whole time heals all wounds phrase when it comes to a broken heart is that as the heart heals it traps in the pain we are experiencing often causing lingering pain and suffering stuffed into our very sad hearts.

I still cry often, missing those who have died and left me behind.  No matter how many years pass that they have been gone the pain never fades.  It becomes more tolerable as time moves on, but the pain still exists.  We find things that help to ease the pain and the loss, never replacing the loved one, but occupying more of our time.  Gracie was a diversion that occupied my heart, easing the pain.  EASING the pain, because what I learn as I go is the pain will never leave me when it comes to missing the company on earth of the loved ones gone.  I opened my heart to Gracie and I loved her as if she were mine.  And then she was gone from my life but not from my heart.  As my broken heart healed from losing her to eternity it captured the pain and sadness inside, where she lives as a constant reminder to me that God is in control and God has a plan for all of us.  The pings of pain that shoot out from my heart are a gentle reminder that death begins when we are given life, and in death eternity holds our spirit and our soul in another light far from the pain and suffering we carry with us on our walk on earth.

So today when I found myself walking the halls of the Children's Hospital, not knowing what I was searching for, a light began to shine in my heart and I could feel a sparkle in my eyes.  As I walked the halls going from room to room, visiting sick children and the parents whose eyes were holding a sadness that tells their story I knew why I was here.  Gracie sent me there, to fill my heart with more love then I could ever imagine it holding.  I made a quiet promise to myself that after Gracie died I would never put myself in the position to ever become emotionally attached to anyone again whose life on earth would end too soon.  It was too painful, even though I felt the pleasure of a new friendship with someone with so much faith in God's plan would outshine any pain left behind, I decided it was just too hard to walk the final days on earth with those preparing to leave for a life of eternity.

In talking to Pastor Jill recently our conversation took us down the path of  life and life after death.  We talked about the pain I carry in my heart for Joey who knew his fate long before the rest of us believed that his death was becoming a reality.  We talked about the pain of letting my mom go, removing her from all life support machines and letting her decided if she would stay with us, or go rest in her eternity.  We talked about all the people who have touched my life and since have moved on to their next journey beyond a breath of life on earth.  We talked about Gracie and how a child so young and so sick, knowing she would soon be gone, could hold  onto so much faith and believe that God would accept her into His Kingdom.

Pastor Jill and I agreed that without sadness and pain in our lives there would have been no happy heart filled times with people who loved us as strong as we have loved them.  Without friendships and love, there would be no pain and suffering.  So if you want to enjoy one, you have to endure the other.  So to be void of a broken achy heart I would not have ever had the joy of spending time with loved ones.  Today I know that is not an option.  For it truly is a blessing to have loved and lost then to never have loved, or been loved.

I met so many kids and their parents today as I walked those halls.  Children in all areas for various reason as why they are patients there.  Some are short term patients and some will never leave.  Children of all ages, from infant to teen years.  Children of various shapes and sizes and ages.  To put a label on them collectively you could call them Children Of God.  I walked from room to room and stopped when the circumstance allowed me to visit the occupants.  Most it was a simple "hello" followed by a five minute or less conversation, a few hugs, a few handshakes, a few kisses on the heads of the babies that were sleeping.  Many smiles were returned by parents of these children who seemed grateful for a visit by a stranger who was still searching for his reason to even be there.  The older kids, those in their teens, were longer visits as I engaged them in conversation and they were eager to have me sit and visit them for a longer period of time.  A couple of teenage boys in particular seemed to enjoy the company of a kid nearer their age with more in common with them they expected.

I am very much faith based in my walk on earth, and while I do not preach or push my beliefs on others I always engage others in a conversation that lets them know my faith and belief in God and invite them to share theirs with me.  I have learned more about my own religion by being opened minded to what others believe in.  I have so much faith in what I believe that I am not fearful of others sharing their journey with me.  Leaving each room today as I bid farewell to those I visited my final words were the same to each "God bless you in this leg of your journey".

I entered a room with a young man I believed to be around 16 or 17 laying in his hospital bed void of any sunlight or sound.  I almost went right by this room as I walked down the hall but as I passed I looked inside and saw him laying there, eyes open and staring straight up at the ceiling.  I invited myself in and approached him with a hello.  He turned to look at me but did not respond to my greeting.  I could see the sadness in his eyes and I also got the feeling that he wanted to be left alone.  I turned to leave in the silence he lived in with the parting words of "God bless you in this leg of your journey".   As I excited the door of his room I heard his voice.  "God does not exist in the world I come from."  I continued to walk another couple steps before I had to turn back and peek into that door again.  "He exists in my world and may his everlasting light shine on you in your time of sadness".   He responded rather quickly, "If he wanted his light to shine on me I would not be laying here today".

OK, I thought, I will latch on to this hook he baited with his lack of faith in himself.  I invited myself into his room and stood next to his bed.  We had a great conversation that lasted for a little under an hour.  His name is Brandon and he turned 17 this past September.  He was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) ten days ago.   He was playing football with his friends when he was tackled and broke his leg.  Through that medical emergency came the news about his AML.  Although it will be a long road of medical treatments, Brandon will survive.   We swapped stories of broken bones, girlfriends, overbearing parents, homework and our futures beyond education.  We talked about our families and friends.  We talked about the holidays and family traditions.  We laughed as we shared stories of the jokes we played on our siblings and he got some great ideas from me about how to play tricks on your dad.

What we did not talk about was religion, faith, God and life in the Christian world.  I pushed no buttons and opened no doors in Brandon's world.  He never asked what brought me to this hospital or to his room.  I offered no background history on my experiences with death or the cancer world.  When I felt Brandon was getting tired and needed to rest I simply stood up, walked over to his room window and pulled up the blinds.  "What are you doing?", he would ask.  "Letting God's light shine on you in your time of sadness", I responded.  Next I walked over and grabbed the remote and turned on a Christmas show.  "Now what are you doing?", he asked.  "Leaving you with some joyful noise that will warm your heart", I told him.  "What next?", he wanted to know.  "I don't know, I'll think of something.  Nice to meet you Brandon, I'll stop by in a couple of days in case you miss me", I said as I walked out of his room and headed down the hall.

As I walked towards the exit I ran into a priest.  "Father, in room 216 there's a kid named Brandon.  We were just talking and I would appreciate it as much as he would if you could stop in and bless his day full of Grace."  I continued to walk out of that hospital with a smirk that would make my misfit brothers proud of how I just pushed the button of a kid who plays the same brotherly games with each other as we do. 

Happy Sunday Gracie!  Thank you for guiding me today in a new journey.  Continue to bless me with the love you left in my heart as I work on filling up the empty spaces to hold more friendships and love then I ever thought it could.  I love and miss you Gracie but I know you are only a memory away from me.  

Hugs, Jett (the boy with the funny name who misses the life out of you!)