and do not lean on your own understanding.
There is a point in everyone's life where they run into a wall between themselves and trust. Where we question our past, our present, and our future. Where we ask ourselves "why me". Where we question our faith in God and wonder where he was when things did not go as planned. Where we look up in to the sky, beyond a breath of life, and start negotiating with God for a better outcome.
I personally used to barter with God saying "if you just help get me through this one thing, this one time, I will never miss another Sunday service EVER!" I was making this plea with God so much it was easier for me to just have the mind set that I might as well just give God that hour each week automatically, even if everything was going well. I'm not exactly sure how long its been exactly, but for probably the last three years I have not once tried to make a trade with God in an effort to turn things around in my life that I felt were not going my way.
This does not mean that I no longer question the fate of the path He has put me on. It also does not mean that my life in the past three years have gone smooth and is void of bumps in the road. It certainly does not mean that I am 'fixed' the way I desire to be fixed. I will always want to be better then I am and I will always desire to be better then anyone expects me to be.
I am a Bible reader. Not a Bible thumper, but a Bible reader. I do not use the Book of God to make changes in other people. I use the World of God to make the changes I need in myself. These days when things go wrong I turn to my Bible for the guidance I seek instead of making deals with God to get things turned around. I do not deny my Faith, my Trust in God, nor my Belief in Eternity. To deny God in any way would tamper with my position in Eternity along side my brothers and sister who have gone before me.
But whoever denies me before men,
I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.
What I do deny myself is happiness. I do not trust myself and I do not have faith in myself. Every decision I make I question, every success I gain is not as successful as I feel I could have been. In my heart of hearts I know I have everything a guy could want that he is allowed by God to have. In my mind, I do not deserve the treasures that have come my way. I spend hours looking into the past to see what I could have done differently. I spend just as many hours looking into the future to speculate where my journey will take me. What I fail to do is live in the present. To allow myself to love like others want to love me. To be who I am now, and not worry about who I was yesterday and who I will be tomorrow.
I am surrounded by some of God's most beautiful works of art on earth. Good people, with good minds, living a good life. I trust that God has placed them in my life for reasons I may never figure out. My family, my friends, the Mitfits, those that have gone to Heaven, those that follow me in my blogs. I trust that through others God is connecting me to even more people to walk my journey with me and support my efforts to live a good Christian life. I trust that those that love me, love me for who I am.
The last few weeks I have been fighting the inner demon in me that I named Hate. I named that demon because it is one of the biggest challenges I have been facing in the depths of my soul. I hate myself, I hate how I look, I hate how I speak, I hate how I cannot allow love into my heart even though I have so much pouring out of it. I hate how I question everything I write, everything I do. I hate that I cannot be happy with any decision I face ... all because I do not trust myself. I do not think I am good enough.
I attended today's Sunday service alone which is very rare for me to do. I like to take my niece or nepehew with me because their wonderment of the God they cannot see amazes me. It refreshes my soul and it comforts my heart. No one has more faith in what they cannot see or hear or touch then a child. No one trusts life will be OK more then a child. No one believes in all that is good more than a child. No one loves more unconditionally then a child.
I chose to attend Mass alone this week so I could search for the answers I have about trust, faith, hope, and love. Not in God, but in myself. Do all of us live like this? I need to overcome this obstacle, get this demon expelled, so I can move on from this rut. Father Tom has always been a great support to me when it comes to my religious life. He does not provide me with the answers, but he does provide me with the tools. Today would be no different. I explained I have searched the bible passages over and over again to find peace in my soul. Proverbs 3:5 is the passage Father Tom opened my Bible to. "What does it mean, how will this help me overcome this rut I am in", I asked him. Father stood up, placed a blessing on my head and as he walked away he said, "Study this passage with your heart, not with your mind."
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Do not lean on your own understanding. Rise out of all your anxieties and plans and fears when you think of yourself as the arbiter of your own fortunes.
Could it be possible that while I boast of my belief in God and trust in Him that I still think I decide my own fate and fortune? Am I not truly placing my life, my heart, and my soul in His hands to guide me in this life so I may find the Eternity in his Kingdom that is promised throughout the Bible? Am I leading my life with my head and forgetting that I should lead it with my heart? Am I still questioning the creation of myself in God's eyes? Am I challenging the work of art He has made when He provided the seed that brought me into this life, so I can journey to the next?
We have the tools in life that allow us to seek out the answers to the questions we have. We have our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, we have the Commandments of our God, we have the Bible to guide us. We have the Grace of God, the Faith of the unknown and the Trust that all is good. Next time you find yourself questioning God and his plan for you, or are trying to barter with Him for something in return, take a look inside your soul. Reach down deep inside of yourself and see if you are believing in yourself, if you trust in yourself, and if you have enough faith in yourself to find the peace and comfort you desire. Try to understand that your anxieites and fears come from inside of yourself. Wrap yourself around the Bible and find the answers to your questions of life. You are good enough, and nothing you do during an honest days work will disappoint God, so it should not disappoint you.
"The closer you are to God, the more likely he is to listen." LHOTP
To my Angels in Heaven: Gracie, Joey, Jayson, Mom, Connor, Old man Joe and Mary, Old Widow G and all the others who graced me with their lives, and to my Angel on earth, Jacelyn.
May your light continue to shine on my soul
and your touch guide me to where I should go.
May the skies that you fly,
welcome me the day that I die.
We share the same Faith, Hope and Love.
And when my final breath is taken
and my soul is lifted above.
My life will be complete
and once again we will meet.
