Being Kind, It's Not That Hard

I have blogged a few times about Random Act's Of Kindness, those times when complete strangers do something unexpected all in the name of spreading joy.  I believe in second chances, I believe people can change, I believe in being nice just for the sake of being nice.  I think paying it forward with a random act of kindness is a wonderful experience for both the giver as well as the receiver of the kind act.

Todays world actually makes it hard to pass on the kindness most of us would enjoy giving away.  We really do not trust each other as a human race anymore.  We worry about what others will think, or how they will perceive having something nice done for them.  We have to teach our littles about stranger danger, make them aware that sometimes people are bad and we have to be careful not to become a victim to them. 

Gone are the days where you would see someone walking and offer them a ride.  Now neither one of you want to take the chance in todays world of giving, or accepting, a ride with a stranger.  These days when you offer to help a nice little old lady cross the street you don't know if you will get smacked upside the head with her cane or purse.  Even the simple act of tossing a few coins to the person in front of you at the store because they are short gets you strange looks and a weak thank you.  Yes, todays world makes it hard to show others you are just a nice human.

Should that stop you from being kind? No, it should not. Smiles are still contagious and tears can still be wiped from an eye with a simple gesture to show others you care.  I believe we are still a kinder more gentle race despite the fact that 98% of the news we hear and read is negative.  I believe there are still great people in the world that believe as I do, that as different as we all are, we wish happiness for each other.  Perfect, no, not by far, but I believe the majority of the strangers I meet on any given day continue to spread their kindness where ever they go. 

If that little old grandmother needs a hand across a busy street, I will always ask if I can assist.  When it comes right down to it, I would want someone to step up and help her if she were my grandmother. If my kid were stranded on a highway with his hood up, I would want someone to stop and ask him if they can help him.  If an adult witnessed my kid being bullied by other kids I would want them to step in and take the threat of bullying away from him.  What good is a kind nature if you cannot use it?  How does holding back from being the best you can be to others help anyway, just because todays world makes it hard for us to lend a helping hand?

Being nice, or kind, is not that hard really.  You start by accepting others for who they are.  Respecting their difference, realizing that no two people are the same.  Embrace the things about them that you enjoy or find refreshing.  Welcome the things about them that make them different from you.  Let others be who they are whether you like something about them or not.  Focus on what they bring to your life instead of what you want them to be in your life.  Appreciate what they have to offer and do not fault them for what they don't.  It really is that simple. 

A smile as you pass a stranger.  A nod of the head as you walk by strangers on the sidewalk.  A dollar given to the musician as you pass his bucket.  A kind word spoken to an old homeless man.  An arm lent to a handicap person crossing the street.  Your seat on the bus for the waitress who has been on her feet all day.  Putting your phone on silence when someone is talking to you.  Listening with care as someone tells you about their day.  A hug, a kiss, a handshake.  It cost nothing to be nice.  It is priceless when you show kindness to others. 

Make it a point to challenge yourself for thirty days to be a kinder person to those around you.  Go out of your way to mend a broken friendship.  Take time to visit a lonely person and let them know you care.  Thank the girl behind the counter that waits on that line of people before she got to you.  Give encouragement to someone down in the dumps.  Praise someone that has done the best they can, tried their hardest, even when they did not meet your expectations.  Be kind, be nice, it's a reward you give yourself when you turn someone's bad day into a great one.

 

 

The Pursuit Of Happiness

 

I caught the happiness virus last night
When I was out singing beneath the stars.

It seems that I have been in the pursuit of happiness forever.  I have been waiting, most often impatiently, for the day I would find happiness in my life.  I have enjoyed many happy moments and I can recall numerous memories of some of the happiest times I've experienced. I can also recall a number of memories that would haunt me to this day, and more then likely every day I take a breath of God's earthly air.

My earliest childhood memory that I clearly recall is the trip my family took to Omaha NE during the July 4th weekend in 1998 to visit my birth dad's brother.  I was a little over a month from being six years old.  My little sister Jocelyn was four days away from turning three.  On July 3rd of that year Jocelyn would breathe her last breath of life.  Her life ended tragically when a car backed over her as she rode her bike in my uncles driveway.  She took her first breath beyond a breath of life on a Friday.

One of the happiness moments of my life would also incorporate one of the most tragic.  At the age of six I had no idea that years later I would conclude that I had experienced both happiness and sadness with-in mere seconds of each other.  Going from riding bikes with my sister, my best friend, to watching as they tried to save her little life.  I knew then as sure as I know now that at the time I had very little understanding of what had happened.  I knew that when we drove to Omaha from Sioux City IA that Jocelyn was with us and on the drive back, she was not.  I can remember asking for days afterwards where she was, when would she be home.  As time moved on I never forgot about Jocelyn and I still had all our memories of playing together but I accepted her absence in my life ... and I moved on.

In December of 2000 I was eight years old.  My oldest brother Jayson was 24 and away at college.  He was sixteen when I was born and by the time I was three he went away to college.  I saw very little of him during his four years of college, mostly on the holidays and a little during the summers.  As odd as it may seem, he was a stranger to me although I knew he was my brother.  I remember my mom was excited that he was coming home for the holidays.  I remember how happy me and my brothers were that Christmas was just days away and Jayson would be home with us.  The next thing we knew the phone rang and the Iowa State Patrol was informing my mom that Jayson had been killed in a head on collision when a drunk driver crossed the median into his path.  He took his first breath beyond a breath of life on a Friday.

Again I would experience a happy time of life closely followed by a tragic moment. At the age of eight I understood more about death and learned from the death of my sister that Jayson was not coming home.  Never again would we sit around the house during the holiday with the expectation of him coming home to spend the holiday with us.  Like I said before, Jayson was more of stranger in my life because of our age difference.  I knew he was my brother but it would not take long for me to move on, keeping the memories I had of him but letting go of the role he played in my life.

By the time my brother Joey died, on Feb 7, 2007 I was realizing that happiness was not mine to have.  I started to regret any good thing that came my way, knowing that something tragic would take my happiness away.  I was fourteen when Joey died at the age of 24 from lung cancer.  This death was different because Joey was in my life every single day.  He was there at my darkest hours to make sure I saw the sunshine, that I knew the rain would bring the rainbows.  I watched as the cancer slowly took Joey from us.  I visited him daily the last three months of his life as he laid in bed, dying from his illness.  I was with Joey when he took his last breath of life on earth.  I was the last one to leave the hospital room after he took his first breath beyond a breath of life.  I was fourteen and I knew what his death meant to my happiness.  That first breath of life he took beyond a breath of life was on a Wednesday.

I never accepted Joeys death and to this day I wish him back on earth with me.  My tears of sadness have never gone away.  The pain in my heart has never lessened.  Any happiness I had with him, because of him, for him, is gone.  Even the memories of my times with him cannot take away the feelings of emptiness and sorrow.  What I did accept after he died was that happiness was not going to be mine.  That each time I had faith, and hope, that things would be better, it was not meant to be.  Happiness would not come my way.

Confirmation of a life with happiness always being followed with a tragedy came when my mom died on Nov 22 of 2011.  She suffered a stroke and all said and done she had no fight left with her to come back from it.  I was nineteen when she died.  It was on a Tuesday.  It was my Aunt Mary's birthday.  I remember thinking 'how will I ever be happy on that day again? how will I ever be able to help Aunt Mary celebrate her birthday?'  I also remember being angry that mom died on a special day like that, not to mention two days before Thanksgiving.  Just like Jocelyn died a day before the July 4th holiday and Jayson died ten days before the Christmas holiday.  Joey, seven days before Valentines Day. 

It seemed every day is one more day I wait for tragedy to occur.  I have given up on happiness and the pursuit of it.  I have come to the conclusion that it does not exist for me.  That if the price of happiness is going to come with bad moments in life, I'd rather skip out on happiness.  I took on trying to live in other peoples happiness. Trying to get by on the good in other peoples lives.  I thrived on helping others be successful and seeing the joy in their lives.  From the outside others could see my happiness, but failed to noticed it was just a reflection of their own. Then it became a chore and I was even more unhappy then I was to begin with.  I was sure God's plan in my life did not include for me to find inner peace, to be happy, to live my life out always looking for the worse and never realizing that all this time, happiness was not something you can pursuit, happiness was something you find inside yourself.

This past couple of weeks I have found happiness.  It was in me the entire time I had been pursuing it.  I'm not saying there will not be some tragic moments, or some unhappy times, or times I would hope for a better turnout then the way it had turned out, but I am learning more about happiness then I knew I was capable of ever having.  For instance you do not go on a pursuit of happiness.  You cannot buy happiness.  You cannot depend on others for your happiness.  Happiness comes naturally and if it is not, it is because you are fighting it.  You are so wrapped up in your sad moments of life that you push it away, thinking you are not deserving of happy times when so many sad times have come your way.  You start looking for things that make you happy, if only temporarily. 

I know I have a long way to go in dealing with all the things in my past.  The abuse, the deaths, the tragedies of life.  I also know I have to start realizing that I have to be me. I have to live the life I feel best benefits me.  That as soon as I find happiness and live comfortable with who I have chose to be, I can share that happiness with others in my life.  I am done living the life others feel I should.  I have a great career, I have a great family, great friends.  I have definite goals of publishing my books.  I have a great new apartment. I have a great girlfriend.  I have all the things I worked for, things I wanted in my life.  Now ... I need to enjoy them without the guilt of happiness.  I need to embrace the things that make me happy and realize that my family and friends will support me in my decisions even when they want me to go in a different direction.

Happiness is when what you think,

what you say,

 and what you do are in harmony.

 

The Perfect Fan / I Love You Mom

The Perfect Fan (link)

If I could ask for anything I would ask for one more day.  One more day to spend with my mom before she had a stroke.  I hate that the final days I spent with her was when she was on life support, not really dead, but not really alive.  I got to talk to her all I wanted, but I don't know if she heard what I was talking to her about.  I have no idea if she heard me tell her how much I loved her and how much I wished she would just wake up.  I have no idea if she could feel me hold her hand, kiss her forehead, or touch her cheek.  I have no idea if she could feel me lay my head on her shoulder and whisper to her that I really wasn't ready to let her go.

Not that I would ever really be ready to let her go, or anyone else I loved for that matter.  I just really had so much I wanted to talk to her about.  I wanted to hear her say she was proud of me for what I accomplished in life and how proud of me she was for the goals I had set for myself for a better future.  I wanted her to tell me how happy I have made her to be my mom, how much she enjoyed all the good times we shared.  I wanted to hear it from her, in her own words, in her own voice.

I wonder if she could hear us talking about her, about letting her go.  If she could hear us discuss turning off the machines and leaving it up to her whether she stayed or whether she left.  I want to know if she could hear the pain in our voices, if she saw the pain in our hearts as we talked over the options that would see her live, or see her die.  Does she know we wished she would open her eyes, squeeze our hands, or anything that would give us a sign she could hear us.  Does she know we waited several times, for several minutes, waiting for some movement that would tell us what her wishes were.  Does she know we tried to figure out what she would want?  That we tried to figure out what she would do?

When I sat with her for my 30 minutes before we made the decision to take her off life support did she know that I cried because I was afraid to live the rest of my life without her?  Did she hear me when I sang 'I'm A Little Teapot' to her, hoping she would remember how often we sang that song together after she taught it to me?  Could she see the pain in my eyes, the single tear roll down my face when I stared at her laying there as I wondered if she had any fight left in her to come back to us?  Did she know I was there, by her side, as she breathed her last breath?  Does she know I did not leave her and I didn't want her to leave me?

NEVER QUESTION GOD, NEVER BARTER WITH satan.  I try very hard to not make deals with God or the devil.  When you lose someone from your life before you feel you should have, you feel cheated.  You wonder what you ever did that would possibly make God or the devil want to take away your happiness.  If God loves you, why did he take away a piece of you?  If the devil wants you on his team, why would he allow your happiness to be stolen? 

I don't get to ask for another day, I just have to live with the day I got.  The answer to my questions will never be answered, never be confirmed.  Did we do the right thing? Did we do the wrong thing?  Would she have lived? Would she still have died?  Does she know we stayed with her so she didn't die alone?  Does she know the fear that surrounded her when her heart stopped beating?  Would another day have made a difference?

I love you mom and not a day passes by that I do not miss you.  Not a day goes by that I do not have memories of our years together.  I see mothers with sons everywhere I go and the pain comes back stronger than the day we lost you.  I hear mothers talking about their children and I wonder if you would be that proud of me.  I feel the love between the mothers and their children as they hold hands, hug, sing, and dance.  I am happy for them, but I am sad for me.  I want that. I want that back.  I want you here with me, to help me, to teach me, to show me.  To be proud of me, to brag about me, to tell me everything is going to be alright when I don't want to do it any more.  To hear your voice, your laughter.  To see your smile and the sparkle in your eyes.  I want it back and there are days like today when I don't know how much longer I can wait to see you again.  To be a family again.  To feel the love, see the love, receive the love and give the love that a mother and son should get to share for longer then 18 years. 

If I had one more day I would make sure you knew how much I love you.  If I had one more day I would make sure you knew how honored I am that you are my mom.  If I had one more day I would show you that you can be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished.  If I had one more day I would never let you go.  If I had one more day ...

The Perfect Fan (click this link to hear how much I love my mom)