Depression is not just that person who sulks around, moodless, walking with their head hung low. Depression is not just that person who is quiet and never looks anyone in the eyes. Depression is not just that person who shows no interest in life. Depression is not just that person who is unemployed or has never finished high school or went to college. Depression is so much more than the stigma that has been created by others who have never felt the pain of never seeing a light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
Depression takes on many forms, it looks like the person described above and it looks like the CEO of a small company. Depression can be 100% visible to its onlooker or it can be completely undetectable even when you are sitting next to it 50 hours a week. It can be seen in your youth minister, the guy you play drop-in hockey with, the one who visits the Children's Hospital two times a week. It can be seen in the front pew of church every Sunday, the guy that walks in front of your house headed to work five days a week. It can be a marathon runner, the guy that works out two times a day. It can be a husband, a brother, an uncle, a friend.
Depression can be me. Depression is me. It is something I fight daily and do everything I can to stay on top of it. Depression is a lot of things but let me tell you what depression is not. Depression is not a suit and tie. It is not a successful career, it is not a marriage, it is not a youth minister. It is not a hockey player or a marathon runner. It is not a college graduate, it is not a blogger. Depression is not who you are or what you do. Depression does not define you as a friend, a brother, an uncle or a son.
Depression is a lie. It is a lie I carry inside me every day as I live my life, seemingly happy and content with all I have accomplished. The lie isn't my marriage, my family, my career or anything else I have accomplished in my life. The lie is the darkness inside of me that I care not to share. I have no idea what that lie is, but it is there. It isn't a lie toward anyone, it is my lie. It is a lie I live with as I try to figure out what the core of my depression is. It is a sadness that never goes away. It is a night terror that you never wake up from. A sadness that has settled inside your soul.
Depression does not make you a bad person, or a weak person. In fact, my depression more than likely makes me the person you see, the giver, the care giver, the success driven CEO who strives to pull others along with him as they strive for success. Depression is my motivation to be a better person, to keep moving along in life, on my journey.
Depression is my fear. Depression is my fight. Looking at me you would not know this. I wear a strong mask to hide my fear. I wear that mask because this is my fight. It's important to me that you see me in a light outside of depression. That you see the true me and judge me based on that verses judging me based on my fear, my depression.
If nothing else, I hope this blog helps you understand that the people in your life, the people you cross paths with, the family, the friends, the strangers, are probably putting on their brave face for you. That the struggles in life are real and are different for all of us. That you chose your words wisely, smile effortlessly and often, judge less, love more. Accept others for who they are, be kind, be humble, be grateful, be the one that makes someone's day brighter.
A couple days ago my little friend Avery took off his brave mask and found the peace he was looking for. He was 16 and him and I shared the fear of depression together. The note he left me touched the very soul, the very spot, the same darkness we both shared. Avery enjoyed a lot in life and was a really great kid. He was kind hearted, soft spoken, well behaved. He was smart and funny and had a great eye behind his camera. He loved soccer and had many friends. He leaves behind a younger brother and a father. He went to join an older brother and his mother. He will be missed by many, he will be missed by me.
Jett, my first thought is I am sorry. My second thought is I know you will understand. I looked for peace in my heart but my mind would not accept it here on earth, my soul knew where to go. No more conflict, no more fear, no more pain. NO MORE LIES. Avery
Love you Avery, NO MORE LIES
