Who Is Your Pooh



Many of my blog followers know a lot about me from the age of 14 to 24.  I have only openly blogged for about five years now even though I have been journaling and writing in diaries since I was 14.  That is when I moved to Boston MA to live with my only surviving sibling (Jordy) out of a sister and three brothers.  That is when my brother Joey's two best friends moved from Sioux City to Boston to help my brother handle a rebelling me.  That is where I found GOD. Prior to moving to Boston and leaving an abusive home there was very little religion in my world.  In fact, I learned about GOD from a friend of my brother that sat with him every day for no less than an hour, reading the Bible with him and assuring him that when he died, GOD would accept him in heaven, even though he was a rotten kid.

I knew of GOD and I loved visiting neighborhood churches with my mom.  We would sneak off during the day while my birth dad was at work.  It was our secret and if he ever found out about that we both would surely feel the heavy hand of his fist on us.  Through this friend that comforted my brother up until three days before he died, I met Kim, my Pooh.  I have no idea why Aunt OJ felt Kim and I should know each other, but I have not regretted a single second of being a part of Kimberly Jeans life.  But this is not about how Kim saved me from myself as she took me under her wing and changed my perspective on trusting people, giving them a chance.  No, this is the story about the mess of a kid Kim took on before she even met him.  This is the story about a faith that existed in a boy from the age of seven to fourteen.  This is the story of a young man that is fighting the urge to go back to his fourteen year old ways.

You see, before I had Kim to hold onto I did not believe I had any value in life.  I never felt I would ever be good enough for anyone to show me any kindness.  My days were spent with my mom who would school me from home, but not because she wanted to, but because we could not let anyone find out what went on inside that house on Bushnell Ave in Sioux City IA.  We could not take that chance that someone would find out that myself and my three older brothers were also the victims of the abuse our birth dad distributed to us.  The heavy hand that touched us, the night visits from him that touched us, his words that destroyed any hope we had of ever being good enough in a world that he sheltered us from.

My nights were spent in my room being chased by monsters and demons that lurked in the shadows.  Wishing my brothers would become hero's with capes that would come and save me.  Hoping my mom would tell someone what went on in that house.  The screams, the sounds of fists hitting flesh the crashes of things being thrown around.  Waking up in the morning hoping today would be the day that you either broke free or died. 

We told no one, and no one asked, so you assumed no one cared.  You knew he was right when he said you were nothing and never would be.  You hid anything that brought you any sense of happiness because you knew if he found it, it would be taken away.  Taken away just like he took your self worth, your self pride, your sense of life.  I would wonder why I was born if only to live like this.  You wonder why your mom never got you out of it.  You ask yourself what did you ever do to be so unloved. 

I loved my mom even then. I felt sorry for her when I realized she too was just as physically, mentally and sexually abused as we were.  I admired her for taking chances, letting me ride my bike up and down the street, skate boarding in the driveway, sneaking away with me during the day on walks to the library where we would read stories that took us away from the walls that bound us.  But I wanted to admire her for more.  I wanted her to help get me away from him, so what we snuck off to do would become a normal routine of getting out and having fun.  Not having to worry about him coming home and finding out we were on the lose. 

For almost six years I lived in a life of darkness and sadness before I asked my brother Joey to help me.  To get me out of there.  He slowly started spending time with me, taking me out at night with him and his friends.  Showing me a city I was dark to, a city that I longed to be a part of.  Then my caped hero got sick and with-in a year he would be dead, right where I always felt I wanted to be.  Joey died and left me.  I rebelled greatly at home. 

Kim was the only person, until now, that I told the complete truth to.  I was already in Boston, away from the monster and my mom when Aunt OJ connected me with Kim.  I suppose OJ knew Kim liked to fix people.  I don't know, maybe she just didn't want to deal with the life and death of another Pauling.  I remember Kim asked me what made me leave that Bushnell home.  "Tell me the truth",  she said, "I won't tolerate any lies."  So I told her my birth dad told me to take out the garbage and I was eating, and I was tired of his crap, and I told him, yeah when I get done eating.  And that was the last time he ever laid a hand on me. 

You know what?  Kim didn't quit me.  That night we talked for hours and I cried and she cried and from that point on, she decided I needed someone to love me.  She decided I needed someone who would not leave me.  Kim encouraged me to pursue my passion of writing.  Kim made me feel it was OK to come from nothing and reach for everything.  Kim helped me heal from the outside in.  There were nights when I wanted to just shut down my computer and never talk to her again.  The nagging, the lectures, the pushing. 

Not one time did Kim ever make me feel like I could not succeed.  Not once did Kim ever give me the impression that she was going to walk away from me.  Once I realized I was stuck with this chick, well I gave into her control.  When I would call her out on her controlling ways she would tell me "I'm not controlling you, I'm trying to get you to take control of you".  She taught me how to fight back, to not lay down and let others walk on my dreams.  The night terrors still exist, the shadows still chase me.  The memories of the Bushnell house still haunt me.  But as time goes on my once unattainable dreams are being met, even though the night terrors linger around. 

I admit, I'm really pissed that Kim left me.  I am also thankful that Kim never quit me.  I think Kim taught us all that "WE ARE NOT QUITTERS" and for that reason alone, today I got out of bed and back into life.  Back into life to pursue the dreams I shared with Kim.  I also would like to share a lesson with all of you that helps me grow in my faith.

In this life you will cross paths with so many different people for so many different reasons.  We may never figure out what exactly those reasons are but they are there.  We may not like the way people come and go out of our lives but we need to think about what we would not have had we never met them.  My brother Joey developed lung cancer.  His best friend Mikey was friends with Jewels who is Catholic.  Jewels saw Joey to the end of his life.  I sat and listened to them reading the bible together.  Through her sharing his story with Kim, her best friend, Jewels introduced me to Kim.  I enjoyed a beautiful friendship with Kim.  I found my Pooh, and I may never find another Pooh, but somehow, crossing paths with Kim will lead me to someone else who may be the Laurel to my Hardy. 

That's what GOD does, so think about it, who is Pooh to your Piglet?

It's Suppose To Hurt

Losing someone you have given everything you are to is a painful experience.  Depending on what that loss is, at what point in your life's path, the pain is different.  When that loss is due to a death you find yourself at a point in your life that you know cannot be fixed, cannot be undone, cannot be turned back in time and revived.  It is final, the most final thing you will ever experience in your life.

The result is the grief process and you can read about the five or seven steps that have been published regarding grief but that proves to be words on paper when the pain you are feeling does not match what your personal loss may be.  The steps of grief are important and it is very helpful to know what you are going through and why you are feeling the was you feel.  I just know that no matter what I read about grief, it has never explained the pain I feel inside my chest.

You hear about how your heart feels heavy. You hear about how the pain will eventually go away (lies).  You hear about how you need to get back into your routine which will help the pain (lies). You hear about how your loved one is in a better place (true, but who wants to hear that?)  You hear about how its God's Plan and you need to trust Him (true, but you won't). 

They tell you its like a broken leg and as soon as the leg heals things won't hurt so bad.  Excuse me while I roll my eyes back in my head.  When you break your leg, it mends, but it will never be like it was before you broke it.  Now I'm no doctor but I have had many broken bones and at he age of 24, they still hurt when the weather turns. 

So why would we believe that the heart will mend and the pain will go away?  It doesn't and it never will and if you've ever lost someone who stole a piece of your heart.  The tears will fall forever and the heart will hurt forever.  It's supposed to and if it did not every step of our journey on earth would be a farce, an outright farce.

The day your heart heals and never hurts again is the day God calls you home and you fly to heaven and land right next to the person, or the people, who went there before you did.

Cory, Sir, you let those tears fall and you accept that your heart will never stop hurting.  You earned that right to feel that amount of love.  You earned the right to love her now more than you ever thought you were capable of loving her.

But don't you forget that her wish for you is to move forward in your life.  To raise that daughter to be the best she can.  Give her the best you have to offer.  Show her that love lives on even when that love is out of reach.  That is why it hurts forever. That is why it is suppose to hurt at all.  Because without the pain, the tears, the sorrow, the love you gave to Kim on earth was nothing more than temporary.  The pain makes it permanent.  The pain reminds us we got it right.  The heart will heal, but the pain will remind you as the seasons change where Kim expects you to be.  In the fields.

Get out there in those fields, milk those cows, and when you get home at the end of your day, do those damn dishes, you know she hated dirty dishes in her sink.

Love you Cory and thank you for letting me be such a big part of not just Kim's life, but yours as well.  I will always be a better man in life because of the example you provided me.  I will always be a better person in life, because you let your wife take me under her wing and fix me.

I may of been Piglet to Kim's Pooh, but you Sir, were her Honey Pot.

Jett

Friends Of A Friend

There are many people in my friend Kim's life but few who know who she is, what she is made of, how God built her.  With all the people who crossed paths with Kim in her life, she kept her bubble small.  She allowed very few people to enter her bubble of safety, her world, her mind, her heart and her soul.  There are many people who labeled Kim very quickly, too quickly, mostly because she called them out on their lack of respect and honestly to those inside her bubble.  I could name names but you know if you fall in that group of individuals, and to your surprise, most everyone else knows as well.


I think we can all agree that Kim is tough, hard-nosed, honest and never backs down from a conversation when she knows she is right.  Kim works with facts, black and white, no room for gray.  If she was wrong, which was rare, she apologized and moved on.  Kim knows what those around her are capable of and she fights with them and for them so they can reach their potential.  Kim always wants the best you have to offer, not for herself, but for yourself.  Kim expects the best from everyone and never expected more than you are capable of giving.  Because of this, Kim helped make everyone she met a better person, a more confident person.  If you know Kim and you are not a better person for it, you are one of those who judged her, before you got to know her.


If you personally know Kim, think about your relationship with her.  I know of only one person in her bubble, outside her family, who does not fit the description of how Kim effected their lives.  Kim is co-dependent, since I have known her she has taken on those she felt needed her help.  Those that she could make a positive impact on.  They needed her, and she needed them to need her.  I am one of them.  Like me, many of the people in Kim's life needed someone to let them know its ok, that things will be alright.  She has helped many realize their self worth.  She took control over our lives and taught us how to not live in fear.  She showed us we are ok, that we will make it through the trails and tribulations of life and she would stay with us until we reached a better place inside our minds, our hearts, and in my case my soul.


Kim never asked for anything in return outside of honestly, forgiveness, trust, and love.  She asked only that you were honest with her about everything, trusted her friendship, loved her unconditionally and forgave yourself for what you did not like about yourself.  If she wronged you, which was rare, she asked you to forgive her for not being a better friend, even though to many of us she was the best friend we would ever have.  As you came into her life, whether you stayed or left, she never gave up on you. I hope you know that.  If you were one of those who judged her to quickly, you should know that she never gave up on you either. 


Kim is far from perfect, although she is closer to perfection than most of us.  She would be the first one to tell you she should have been a better wife, a better mother, a better sister, a better daughter and a better friend.  But the truth of the matter is, she is a work in progress, a product of God. In my opinion, Kim earned her wings way before 21 months ago when God decided he needed her with him.  It doesn't seem fair, but its not about a fair playing field down on earth, its about faith, and heaven, and God, and eternity. 


I am going to miss Kim, hell, I already do.  I have to remember that we crossed paths for a reason and a lot of lives are better now just from the path Kim and I crossed.  Our journey in the last 10 years, from its infancy to now, was paved with goodwill, support, trust, and love.  I will forever be in her debt, but I will never stop collecting from what she has taught me and how she made me feel. 


The greatest gift of all is the gift of life.  God gifted many of us with the life of Kimberly Jean Lindgren.  I once asked Kim "what would I do without you" and her response was this ...


"Sweets, we are born to die and there's not a damn thing we can do about it."


"I know Dottie, I know."

You Were the Pooh to my Piiglet

If you've been paying attention to my blogs at all, you know my good friend Kim is losing her battle with brain cancer.  Please continue to pray for her and her family as she prepares to soar to heaven. 

To every thing there is a season,

and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; ‘
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance.

When I was at the lowest point of my life you stepped in and pulled me up and stood me on my feet.  You allowed me to lean on you for so many months.  You become a big sister, a substitute mother, a mentor, a friend.  You were the Pooh to my Piglet.  You were tough on me when I needed you to be. You never accepted my excuses when life for me was on a down hill spiral.  You gave me so many hours of your days when I needed you the most. 

I succeeded at so many things because you never left my side.  I accomplished so many things with your encouragement and support.  I faced my fears as you pushed me forward though a life I felt I could never achieve.  I set goals so far out of my reach because you helped me reach them by never letting me accept failure.  I opened my life in my blogs because you told me to trust people would not judge me.  I made it through the most difficult times with the loss of friends and family because you taught me we are born to die.

We talked for hours on end about everything and nothing at all.  We shared our biggest fears with each other and together we weakened them to nothing.  We accepted each other with flaws and understanding.  We got to know each others families and grew to love them like we loved each other.  We disagreed, we argued, we fought, we cried.  We pushed each other, we pulled each others strings.  We pushed each others buttons to help each other grow.  We talked about God, about life, about death, about eternity. 

I shared my life with you. You shared your life with me.  We became soul siblings, misfit from beginning to end.  The secrets we shared bonded our trust, allowing us to differ on so many topics yet respect each others opinions.  We prayed together, for each other, for our families, for our friends.  Together we came to trust God, even through the toughest parts of His plan.  We encouraged each other to trust God, allowed our minds to open up to His eternal plans of those he took from us. 

Twenty-one months ago God decided to take you from me.  I tried to hang on to you in every way possible.  I tried to keep you with me in anger, frustration, sadness, sorrow.  Slowly as the months passed by I began to lose you.  How would I ever make it through life now that God wanted to take you home to Him?  Why would God decide you and I no longer needed each other to make it through our days?  What did God have in store for me now that He was calling you home?  What is wrong with me that every time I put my trust in someone and give them all of me He removes them from my life?  Why did he cross our paths in the first place?  What does He want from me? What is the lesson this time?  Who will help me regain my faith when you are gone?  When will my heart ever be whole again, free from the pain of losing someone I love?

I cannot help but smile when I list our little pet names for each other, or when I think about how big of a nerd you always told me I was.  I cannot help but be happy for knowing you in this world and knowing that one day we will be together again in a Kingdom bigger than our friendship.  I cannot help but feel lucky that I even got to know you at all in a world separated by so many miles between us.  I feel as if I gained a whole new family of misfits in your family.  I want to be angry, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to fold up back into that 14 year old neglected abused kid you took under your wing 10 short years ago. 

I don't want this to all end, but Kimberly Jean, please know, I would do it all over again even knowing the outcome of our friendships fate.  I love you and I thank you for allowing me to become apart of your life which to me, was bigger than the world.  I refuse to walk out of what you let me in on, I will never let go of all you have gifted with me.  You were my angel on earth and I know when you get to heaven you will be my angel in the sky.  I totally expect to see your cold little toes hanging over a passing cloud as you sit next to all that have journeyed to eternity before us. 

God Bless you my friend, and may he keep you in His loving arms as he carries you home.  "we got this"