I never know how Grace is feeling on the days I go visit her, but I always know I will walk away from the days visit, a day closer to the day when these visits will end. The day will arrive where my little friend and I will visit through prayers and memories. Memories we made in the short time since we first met, which was just after she turned eight. I feel as I've know Grace forever, and I credit that to knowing her story all too well. We have always talked about my family, with an emphasis on my brother Joey, who died of lung cancer at the age of 24.
That was five years ago this past February. It feels like yesterday. The memory I hold of that day is very vivid. Very clear. I can recall the last breath my brother took before he entered into eternal life, free of all the troubles we face on our journey on earth. I remember our dad silently leaving the room. I remember our mom kissing Joey on the cheek, a single tear rolling down her face as she made her exit. I remember my brother Jordy, kissing Joey goodbye as he wiped away his tears. He hugged Mikey (one of Joey's two best friends) and left the room. I remember Mikey not wanting to let go. He was the last one to look Joey in the eyes before he took his last breath, as Joey told him goodbye in a faint weak voice. I have never seen anyone cry as hard as Mikey did that day as he experienced every emotion possible to the human being.
I was the last one to leave Joey's room that day. I did not know what to do. I did not know how to grieve. I did not completely comprehend what was going on. It was just the end. No one talked about it. No one explained to me what happens next. I did not know how to let go, so I never have. To this day, over five years later, I have never let him go. I don't think I ever will. I don't think I ever can. I miss him now more than ever, because Joey was not only my brother, he was my friend.
Grace and I talk about this today, the day Joey died. It's not the first time she has wanted to spend our time talking about my brother. Most times I can get through this conversation with her and not shed a tear. Today was not going to be that day. I miss him. I need him. I love him. We lay back on her bed looking up at the ceiling. "Tell me a memory about Joey today please", she asks me. "OK Grace", I respond.
I tell her the memory of the day Joey came to Bushnell to pick me up and take me to Morningside Carnival Days. Bushnell is the street I lived on in Sioux City, IA, which was my hometown. Morningside is the part of town Bushnell was located in. The carnival was in Peters Park, an area of Morningside that you could find the library where my mom and I would walk to, two times a week in the good weather, to pick out books to read together when we returned home. There were several business's in the Peters Park area, but the one business I loved the most, was a few blocks down from the library. We called it Diary Queen, and it was my best friend!
I told Grace about how when Joey came that day, I asked him if we could walk to the carnival, because I knew it would give us more time together. I described to Grace all the things we did together. The rides, the games, the Magic Mirror Palace. The junk food we ate, the people we met, the nap we took under a tree. It was a spectacular day, I told Grace, that was all the things I loved, wrapped up in one day. "What did you like best about your day with Joey?", she said. I pondered this for a second or two, because I did not know if Grace would understand. She was eight after all, and I know she would be able to pick out what she would of considered the funnest part of that day. "Crazy as this sounds Grace, as much fun as I had doing all those things that day, my favorite part of that day, was spending it with Joey. It was the last day we spent together before the year he died."
There was a silence as we laid next to each other. I thought to myself, she may not understand that. As quickly as I had that thought, I felt Grace's little hand take my hand and hold it. "It's OK to cry Jett, I would be sad to if I had to let go of Joey if he were my brother", she quietly said. We laid there for I bet you 15 minutes, with tears rolling down my face and Grace holding my hand. "Jett, do not cry for me when I go be with Joey. Be happy for me", she had said. I say nothing, because saying anything would not be as true to the word, as saying nothing.
We talked more about God and what it might be like when Grace entered into eternal life with all those who have gone before us. I think everyone's idea of heaven is different, with one thing being common, it will be a beautiful sight, free of pain and free of worry. Grace's idea of heaven, as seen through the eyes of an eight year old girl always makes me smile.
"There are only smiles, no one cries. There is no pain in anyone in heaven. Everyone gets to have a job. You do not get paid to work for God, because there is nothing you need to buy. There are not even stores in heaven. Everyone wears the color of white. The only color you can have is your eyes, and your skin. You do not even have to wear shoes because everything is soft. When you get to heaven Jett, you will never have to shave again. I know you like that because sometimes when you visit me you need a shave. No one wears glasses either. You do not need your watch when you get there Jett, because time will not matter because that is all there is. Everyone prays all the time but we can share stories and help each other be better angels. There is lots of laughter you know. Even when things are not that funny, you hear angels laughing. When you get there Jett, God is going to give you all your voice back, so it lasts longer and you can sing for us", she says with excitement. Grace can talk forever about what she thinks heaven will be like, and I could listen to her for just as long.
We turn heads and look at each other, laying down next to one another, holding hands. We are comfortable together, and the tears flow as easily as the smiles spread. "Can I tell you something Jett, that I cannot tell my mommy and daddy?", she asks me. "Of course you can Grace, anytime", I tell her. "I feel like I am ready", she says. I gasp for air. I feel like I have been punched hard in my stomach. My heart sinks to a new low. My eyes well up with tears. "Grace, I do not think I am ready." She squeezes my hand, to comfort the one of the two of us that is not facing the end of their time on earth. "Not today Jett, but soon. I can feel it inside of me. I feel different. I feel like I am OK. I sleep more now than I am awake. My treatments are not making me better anymore."
I turn to Grace as we lay there and put my arm over her, as if I am locking her into the earth, trying to protect her from her words, trying to keep her from leaving us. "I think you should let your parents know this Grace, they will understand. And if I were your daddy, I would want to know how you are feeling", I tell her. Grace turns to face me and places her tiny hand on my cheek, to wipe a few tears away. "I wish everyone could go with me now Jett, and I would not have to wait for you to come to me later. I do not think I will like being in heaven and watching my daddy cry."
We talk a little longer about how she is feeling and how she will tell her parents soon, what she has told me. I look at Grace, and I see the grayish pale skin that was pale white when I first met her. I see the sunken look in her eyes, with darkness lurking in the shadows around them. I see the scars on her tiny scalp from the many surgeries she has had before she asked them to not do anymore. She had hair when I first met her, but has since decided to keep her head shaved. She wears flannel pajama's now, because she is always cold. Most all of what I see, reminds me of Joey. We never knew when his last breath would be taken, but we knew it could of been at any moment, as we watched him grow weaker and more weary of the fight. "What do you see in my eyes today?, she asked me. "I see one of the strongest people in the world. I see my friend as beautiful today as she was the day I met her. I see a reflection of me", I tell her.
"You are inside of me Jett, and I am taking part of you with me when I go. When I meet Joey, and he looks into my eyes, he will know who I am, because he will see you." she informs me. "What do you see in my eyes today Grace?" She looks in my eyes, "I see you are sad. And I do not want you to cry. I see me, so you know I am leaving a part of me here with you. I want you to visit my mommy and daddy when I am gone so they can see me in your eyes", she says.
Shortly after this, Grace slowly starts to drift off to sleep. When I feel she has fallen into a peaceful rest, I take her tiny hand off my cheek and turn her on her back, so I leave her today as I found her, laying in her bed staring up at the ceiling, resting her fragile body. She opens her eyes as I am leaning over to kiss her cheek and smiles. As I cover her up she whispers to me, "Jett, I will not leave unless we have said goodbye to each other." She raises her pinkie to me and I once again, hug it with my own pinkie. This is her promise to me today. "Thank you little sister", I tell her. Again, she smiles and drifts off to rest up for more strength so she gets the most out of another day.
I walked out of Grace's room and sitting on the floor outside her room, I find her dad. Sitting there with his knees pulled up and his arms around them. His head resting on the wall behind him. His eyes closed. Tears rolling down his tired, worried face. I sit next to him, shoulder to shoulder, in silence. Minutes pass before he opens his eyes. "You never tell her it's OK to let go." He says to me. This tells me he spends many hours sitting outside her door as Grace and I visit. "Is that something you think I should say to her?", I ask. He stands up and holds out a hand to assist me in standing up. "I see it like this", I tell him, "Grace will go when she feels she is ready to go. I will tell her I love her. I will tell I am going to miss her. I will tell her I will see her on our next visit. But I will not tell her it is OK to let go. She already knows this. That is between her and God. I will not beg her to stay. I will not encourage her to keep up with her treatments." I extend my hand to him, throwing out my pinkie finger. "I will always carry the memories of Grace with me, in this life, or in eternal life. And I will always consider you and your wife a part of me, and per Grace's wishes, I will visit you often, so you can see Grace in my eyes." He smiles, wraps his pinkie finger around mine, accepting my promise to him for a friendship that was brought together by a life fading from earth, sure to last through all the living we both have yet to do. "You're a good boy Jett, and we will be here for you as well." We hug and we both turn to go our separate ways down the hall, me to outside this building and all its evil doings, him back to his wife, staying to face more of what is yet to come.
I sit in my car in the lot before I drive away. My heart still sunken from the revelation of Grace's words 'I think I am ready' sitting on my mind like it has been branded there. I feel a warmth around me as if I am being hugged tight, and a feeling of peace comes over me as someone is telling me everything will be alright, and I should fear not.
Joey? Is that you? I smile, as I realize, Joey has never really left me, and he is true to his word. It is what it is, and when you have no control over what it is, you should accept it as a gift from God. It is only evil on earth, if you do not learn from it. Life's lessons, are God's teachings. Joey had to die, so I could get to Grace. Grace has to die, so I can get to Joey. Who will you die for, when your journey on earth is done, and you go beyond a breath of life.
That was five years ago this past February. It feels like yesterday. The memory I hold of that day is very vivid. Very clear. I can recall the last breath my brother took before he entered into eternal life, free of all the troubles we face on our journey on earth. I remember our dad silently leaving the room. I remember our mom kissing Joey on the cheek, a single tear rolling down her face as she made her exit. I remember my brother Jordy, kissing Joey goodbye as he wiped away his tears. He hugged Mikey (one of Joey's two best friends) and left the room. I remember Mikey not wanting to let go. He was the last one to look Joey in the eyes before he took his last breath, as Joey told him goodbye in a faint weak voice. I have never seen anyone cry as hard as Mikey did that day as he experienced every emotion possible to the human being.
I was the last one to leave Joey's room that day. I did not know what to do. I did not know how to grieve. I did not completely comprehend what was going on. It was just the end. No one talked about it. No one explained to me what happens next. I did not know how to let go, so I never have. To this day, over five years later, I have never let him go. I don't think I ever will. I don't think I ever can. I miss him now more than ever, because Joey was not only my brother, he was my friend.
Grace and I talk about this today, the day Joey died. It's not the first time she has wanted to spend our time talking about my brother. Most times I can get through this conversation with her and not shed a tear. Today was not going to be that day. I miss him. I need him. I love him. We lay back on her bed looking up at the ceiling. "Tell me a memory about Joey today please", she asks me. "OK Grace", I respond.
I tell her the memory of the day Joey came to Bushnell to pick me up and take me to Morningside Carnival Days. Bushnell is the street I lived on in Sioux City, IA, which was my hometown. Morningside is the part of town Bushnell was located in. The carnival was in Peters Park, an area of Morningside that you could find the library where my mom and I would walk to, two times a week in the good weather, to pick out books to read together when we returned home. There were several business's in the Peters Park area, but the one business I loved the most, was a few blocks down from the library. We called it Diary Queen, and it was my best friend!
I told Grace about how when Joey came that day, I asked him if we could walk to the carnival, because I knew it would give us more time together. I described to Grace all the things we did together. The rides, the games, the Magic Mirror Palace. The junk food we ate, the people we met, the nap we took under a tree. It was a spectacular day, I told Grace, that was all the things I loved, wrapped up in one day. "What did you like best about your day with Joey?", she said. I pondered this for a second or two, because I did not know if Grace would understand. She was eight after all, and I know she would be able to pick out what she would of considered the funnest part of that day. "Crazy as this sounds Grace, as much fun as I had doing all those things that day, my favorite part of that day, was spending it with Joey. It was the last day we spent together before the year he died."
There was a silence as we laid next to each other. I thought to myself, she may not understand that. As quickly as I had that thought, I felt Grace's little hand take my hand and hold it. "It's OK to cry Jett, I would be sad to if I had to let go of Joey if he were my brother", she quietly said. We laid there for I bet you 15 minutes, with tears rolling down my face and Grace holding my hand. "Jett, do not cry for me when I go be with Joey. Be happy for me", she had said. I say nothing, because saying anything would not be as true to the word, as saying nothing.
We talked more about God and what it might be like when Grace entered into eternal life with all those who have gone before us. I think everyone's idea of heaven is different, with one thing being common, it will be a beautiful sight, free of pain and free of worry. Grace's idea of heaven, as seen through the eyes of an eight year old girl always makes me smile.
"There are only smiles, no one cries. There is no pain in anyone in heaven. Everyone gets to have a job. You do not get paid to work for God, because there is nothing you need to buy. There are not even stores in heaven. Everyone wears the color of white. The only color you can have is your eyes, and your skin. You do not even have to wear shoes because everything is soft. When you get to heaven Jett, you will never have to shave again. I know you like that because sometimes when you visit me you need a shave. No one wears glasses either. You do not need your watch when you get there Jett, because time will not matter because that is all there is. Everyone prays all the time but we can share stories and help each other be better angels. There is lots of laughter you know. Even when things are not that funny, you hear angels laughing. When you get there Jett, God is going to give you all your voice back, so it lasts longer and you can sing for us", she says with excitement. Grace can talk forever about what she thinks heaven will be like, and I could listen to her for just as long.
We turn heads and look at each other, laying down next to one another, holding hands. We are comfortable together, and the tears flow as easily as the smiles spread. "Can I tell you something Jett, that I cannot tell my mommy and daddy?", she asks me. "Of course you can Grace, anytime", I tell her. "I feel like I am ready", she says. I gasp for air. I feel like I have been punched hard in my stomach. My heart sinks to a new low. My eyes well up with tears. "Grace, I do not think I am ready." She squeezes my hand, to comfort the one of the two of us that is not facing the end of their time on earth. "Not today Jett, but soon. I can feel it inside of me. I feel different. I feel like I am OK. I sleep more now than I am awake. My treatments are not making me better anymore."
I turn to Grace as we lay there and put my arm over her, as if I am locking her into the earth, trying to protect her from her words, trying to keep her from leaving us. "I think you should let your parents know this Grace, they will understand. And if I were your daddy, I would want to know how you are feeling", I tell her. Grace turns to face me and places her tiny hand on my cheek, to wipe a few tears away. "I wish everyone could go with me now Jett, and I would not have to wait for you to come to me later. I do not think I will like being in heaven and watching my daddy cry."
We talk a little longer about how she is feeling and how she will tell her parents soon, what she has told me. I look at Grace, and I see the grayish pale skin that was pale white when I first met her. I see the sunken look in her eyes, with darkness lurking in the shadows around them. I see the scars on her tiny scalp from the many surgeries she has had before she asked them to not do anymore. She had hair when I first met her, but has since decided to keep her head shaved. She wears flannel pajama's now, because she is always cold. Most all of what I see, reminds me of Joey. We never knew when his last breath would be taken, but we knew it could of been at any moment, as we watched him grow weaker and more weary of the fight. "What do you see in my eyes today?, she asked me. "I see one of the strongest people in the world. I see my friend as beautiful today as she was the day I met her. I see a reflection of me", I tell her.
"You are inside of me Jett, and I am taking part of you with me when I go. When I meet Joey, and he looks into my eyes, he will know who I am, because he will see you." she informs me. "What do you see in my eyes today Grace?" She looks in my eyes, "I see you are sad. And I do not want you to cry. I see me, so you know I am leaving a part of me here with you. I want you to visit my mommy and daddy when I am gone so they can see me in your eyes", she says.
Shortly after this, Grace slowly starts to drift off to sleep. When I feel she has fallen into a peaceful rest, I take her tiny hand off my cheek and turn her on her back, so I leave her today as I found her, laying in her bed staring up at the ceiling, resting her fragile body. She opens her eyes as I am leaning over to kiss her cheek and smiles. As I cover her up she whispers to me, "Jett, I will not leave unless we have said goodbye to each other." She raises her pinkie to me and I once again, hug it with my own pinkie. This is her promise to me today. "Thank you little sister", I tell her. Again, she smiles and drifts off to rest up for more strength so she gets the most out of another day.
I walked out of Grace's room and sitting on the floor outside her room, I find her dad. Sitting there with his knees pulled up and his arms around them. His head resting on the wall behind him. His eyes closed. Tears rolling down his tired, worried face. I sit next to him, shoulder to shoulder, in silence. Minutes pass before he opens his eyes. "You never tell her it's OK to let go." He says to me. This tells me he spends many hours sitting outside her door as Grace and I visit. "Is that something you think I should say to her?", I ask. He stands up and holds out a hand to assist me in standing up. "I see it like this", I tell him, "Grace will go when she feels she is ready to go. I will tell her I love her. I will tell I am going to miss her. I will tell her I will see her on our next visit. But I will not tell her it is OK to let go. She already knows this. That is between her and God. I will not beg her to stay. I will not encourage her to keep up with her treatments." I extend my hand to him, throwing out my pinkie finger. "I will always carry the memories of Grace with me, in this life, or in eternal life. And I will always consider you and your wife a part of me, and per Grace's wishes, I will visit you often, so you can see Grace in my eyes." He smiles, wraps his pinkie finger around mine, accepting my promise to him for a friendship that was brought together by a life fading from earth, sure to last through all the living we both have yet to do. "You're a good boy Jett, and we will be here for you as well." We hug and we both turn to go our separate ways down the hall, me to outside this building and all its evil doings, him back to his wife, staying to face more of what is yet to come.
I sit in my car in the lot before I drive away. My heart still sunken from the revelation of Grace's words 'I think I am ready' sitting on my mind like it has been branded there. I feel a warmth around me as if I am being hugged tight, and a feeling of peace comes over me as someone is telling me everything will be alright, and I should fear not.
Joey? Is that you? I smile, as I realize, Joey has never really left me, and he is true to his word. It is what it is, and when you have no control over what it is, you should accept it as a gift from God. It is only evil on earth, if you do not learn from it. Life's lessons, are God's teachings. Joey had to die, so I could get to Grace. Grace has to die, so I can get to Joey. Who will you die for, when your journey on earth is done, and you go beyond a breath of life.
In life God doesn't give you the people you want, instead He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and make you exactly the way you should be.
