I missed Grace yesterday and although we decided to take Friday 'off ' from visiting with each other and her dictating more of her story to me, we would text on and off during the morning hours. It is not something we usually would do, text, but she has been doing it more and more as the days go on. First thing this morning I got a text "What are you doing right now?" I text Grace back, "I am on campus, working on a story. What are you doing right now?" She would respond to my text, "I am going to eat cereal with my daddy before he goes to work." I text back that I hoped she was enjoying her breakfast with her daddy and I would text her in a bit. Being the loving kind angel she is, she text back "Write a good story."
I would not hear from Grace again until after she ate lunch and was getting ready to lay down. "Do not forget our date tomorrow." She had text me. I replied, "I'm thinking about it right now Grace, I will not forget." She would text me that she was going to watch Footloose, and then she was going to nap and rest real good today so when her cousins came to visit her that evening, she would already be rested and ready for their visit. I text Grace to please sleep well tonight, so our date tomorrow would be a long date. "I will. I pinky swear." I knew she would be excited for our Saturday afternoon date, but I know I was more excited than she was.
Even though Grace and I would not be blogging on Friday night, I spent the evening sitting with the other Misfits, watching some playoff hockey. While I did this, I grabbed the journal with Grace's name written down the outside binder of it, full of notebook paper notes, that I knew I needed to begin organizing. I would sort the notes according to dates, then take those piles and sort them by topic. By the time I was done sorting my notes, I had several piles laid out around me on the floor. I would put each pile into its own separate envelope and label each envelope accordingly. When I stuffed and labeled the last envelope I decided to read through them again. I opened the envelope labeled 'QUOTES'. These quotes were some of the things that Grace has said to me over the course of time we had begun to tell her story. I plan on using these quotes in appropriate places in the book I will write regarding the journey of Grace. One in particular stuck out in my mind as I sifted through them.
"I will never go on a date or get to find the boy I would marry someday, had I not gotten invited by God to come home to him."
There are many powerful statements in that quote and I remember writing it down while visiting with Grace that day not so long ago. I had thought about how at eight years old, do little girls really think that far into the future of being married? I had thought about how she ever came to think about dates and boys anyway, shouldn't eight year old girls be thinking about their dolls and their fashion? The most powerful statement for me in this quote was actually her words "had I not gotten invited by God to come home to him". I do not struggle with my faith in God and his ultimate plan for all of us to rest in peace in heaven while enjoying eternal life with him, but I do struggle with faith in myself. It was the first time since I met Grace that I began to wonder, has God personally invited Grace to come to him? Did he ask her? Did he tell her? Has she made a connection beyond earth with others who have gone before us? I told myself, it really does not matter if I believe this could be possible, it only matters that Grace believes if it is. I will make it a point to continue talking to Grace about life beyond my reach. I would find a way we could explore this concept together, and try to get confirmation that what she has recently revealed to me about my family in heaven was not a dream to her, but actually a visit to the beyond I longed to know more about.
It would prove to be the toughest assignment I would give myself, but I had questions that Grace possibly is the only one that can answer them for me. The innocence of her youthfulness will allow her be more receptive to my questions with honest straight forward answers on what she feels, or what she thinks she knows, about communicating with the spirits of those that have gone ahead of us.
When my brother Joey died, I had experienced the very thing that Grace revealed to me a few days ago. He stayed with me. I could see him when no one else could. I could hear him but those around me could not. I could talk to him and he would respond. In the toughest moments of my journey when I felt I could not go on, he was there with me, encouraging me to move forward, and keeping me out of harms way. He was near me, and I could feel him, even though he was just slightly out of my reach. When my mom had her first small stroke, I felt it was then that I began to lose contact with Joey. I chalked it up to her needing him near her more than I needed him guiding me. When she had another stroke and my brother Jordy and I had to make the decision to keep her alive via machines, or let her go, I tried to make a connection with Joey. I wanted him to give me the OK to let her go, or the OK to keep her alive. He did not respond to me. He was gone, I could not find him anywhere. I searched everywhere I could think of. I reached deep inside my heart where I have alway been able to find him before. I opened every door and I looked in every window. I checked my safe place. I went to church at odd times in hopes to find him waiting there for me. He was gone. I no longer felt him near me.
It made me question whether I was dreaming the times I did feel him with me. My brother Jordy does not believe I could feel Joey with me. Joey's best friend Mikey does not want to talk to any of us about Joey's death. My dad made it clear that I can choose to believe what I want to about the afterlife but he does not believe we can communicate with the dead. After all, his mom died when he was still in high school and she has never made an attempt to be with him. I have one very dear friend to me that lets me talk about this with her and she supports what I tell her, that Joey was with me, but now he is gone. I never stopped trying to find Joey, and since I have known Grace, I have felt him comfort me after some very tough visits with her. I have felt him protect me from myself in this journey with her. Grace's revelation to me that she "knows Joey you know" has given me knew hope in the fact that not only was I really communicating with him, but that I am slowly finding that he really never left me, and is still guiding me in my journey, not only with Grace, but even when Grace has gone.
Unlike Grace, I cannot say that I am completely unafraid of death. I have had several family members and friends that have died, from the time my baby sister died to the most recent, my mother, this past year. There was Widow G who was my oldest friend when I first moved to Boston with my brother, and Joe and Mary, the neighbors east of his house who died within months of each other. Our good friend Pat's husband who died suddenly last year, as well as a few others along the way. Not counting my brother Joey, I really felt that I did well in accepting God's plan for all of them, and was able to be at peace as they rested in peace.
I love life and although I do not want to die when my time has arrived, I walk my days on earth preparing for that time. I will always have room for improvement in several area, and I will always find new ways to be more faithful, less fearful, and show kindness to others despite any differences we may have. I look at every brick in front of me on this yellow brick road as a test to how well I am accepting God in my life and the role he plays in who I am, and who I am becoming.
On this Friday night, as I sit and work with pages and pages of notes I have taken about Grace and the story she wants told when she moves on, I know this has by far been the biggest challenge for me regarding death. Not because Grace is young and innocent. Not because I have gotten access to her innermost feelings regarding friendships. Not because I will miss her. No, these are not the reasons that I feel this is my biggest challenge I am facing. I feel as if I personally am struggling with my faith and God has brought Grace and I together so that I might review my faith, and compare it to Grace's.
Faith is believing in things that cannot be proven. Faith is an extreme trust that what you feel, but cannot see, exists. Faith is hope beyond reasoning. Faith is letting go of the ones you love, not only in death, but in life as well. Faith is never questioning the past you lived, but believing in the life you still have to live. Without faith you will never love unconditionally, trust completely, grow continuously.
I believe and trust that God has placed me on the path Gracie walks, so I may increase my faith and come to the realization that I am capable of loving, as well as accept love, unconditionally, while growing spiritually.
“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”
I would not hear from Grace again until after she ate lunch and was getting ready to lay down. "Do not forget our date tomorrow." She had text me. I replied, "I'm thinking about it right now Grace, I will not forget." She would text me that she was going to watch Footloose, and then she was going to nap and rest real good today so when her cousins came to visit her that evening, she would already be rested and ready for their visit. I text Grace to please sleep well tonight, so our date tomorrow would be a long date. "I will. I pinky swear." I knew she would be excited for our Saturday afternoon date, but I know I was more excited than she was.
Even though Grace and I would not be blogging on Friday night, I spent the evening sitting with the other Misfits, watching some playoff hockey. While I did this, I grabbed the journal with Grace's name written down the outside binder of it, full of notebook paper notes, that I knew I needed to begin organizing. I would sort the notes according to dates, then take those piles and sort them by topic. By the time I was done sorting my notes, I had several piles laid out around me on the floor. I would put each pile into its own separate envelope and label each envelope accordingly. When I stuffed and labeled the last envelope I decided to read through them again. I opened the envelope labeled 'QUOTES'. These quotes were some of the things that Grace has said to me over the course of time we had begun to tell her story. I plan on using these quotes in appropriate places in the book I will write regarding the journey of Grace. One in particular stuck out in my mind as I sifted through them.
"I will never go on a date or get to find the boy I would marry someday, had I not gotten invited by God to come home to him."
There are many powerful statements in that quote and I remember writing it down while visiting with Grace that day not so long ago. I had thought about how at eight years old, do little girls really think that far into the future of being married? I had thought about how she ever came to think about dates and boys anyway, shouldn't eight year old girls be thinking about their dolls and their fashion? The most powerful statement for me in this quote was actually her words "had I not gotten invited by God to come home to him". I do not struggle with my faith in God and his ultimate plan for all of us to rest in peace in heaven while enjoying eternal life with him, but I do struggle with faith in myself. It was the first time since I met Grace that I began to wonder, has God personally invited Grace to come to him? Did he ask her? Did he tell her? Has she made a connection beyond earth with others who have gone before us? I told myself, it really does not matter if I believe this could be possible, it only matters that Grace believes if it is. I will make it a point to continue talking to Grace about life beyond my reach. I would find a way we could explore this concept together, and try to get confirmation that what she has recently revealed to me about my family in heaven was not a dream to her, but actually a visit to the beyond I longed to know more about.
It would prove to be the toughest assignment I would give myself, but I had questions that Grace possibly is the only one that can answer them for me. The innocence of her youthfulness will allow her be more receptive to my questions with honest straight forward answers on what she feels, or what she thinks she knows, about communicating with the spirits of those that have gone ahead of us.
When my brother Joey died, I had experienced the very thing that Grace revealed to me a few days ago. He stayed with me. I could see him when no one else could. I could hear him but those around me could not. I could talk to him and he would respond. In the toughest moments of my journey when I felt I could not go on, he was there with me, encouraging me to move forward, and keeping me out of harms way. He was near me, and I could feel him, even though he was just slightly out of my reach. When my mom had her first small stroke, I felt it was then that I began to lose contact with Joey. I chalked it up to her needing him near her more than I needed him guiding me. When she had another stroke and my brother Jordy and I had to make the decision to keep her alive via machines, or let her go, I tried to make a connection with Joey. I wanted him to give me the OK to let her go, or the OK to keep her alive. He did not respond to me. He was gone, I could not find him anywhere. I searched everywhere I could think of. I reached deep inside my heart where I have alway been able to find him before. I opened every door and I looked in every window. I checked my safe place. I went to church at odd times in hopes to find him waiting there for me. He was gone. I no longer felt him near me.
It made me question whether I was dreaming the times I did feel him with me. My brother Jordy does not believe I could feel Joey with me. Joey's best friend Mikey does not want to talk to any of us about Joey's death. My dad made it clear that I can choose to believe what I want to about the afterlife but he does not believe we can communicate with the dead. After all, his mom died when he was still in high school and she has never made an attempt to be with him. I have one very dear friend to me that lets me talk about this with her and she supports what I tell her, that Joey was with me, but now he is gone. I never stopped trying to find Joey, and since I have known Grace, I have felt him comfort me after some very tough visits with her. I have felt him protect me from myself in this journey with her. Grace's revelation to me that she "knows Joey you know" has given me knew hope in the fact that not only was I really communicating with him, but that I am slowly finding that he really never left me, and is still guiding me in my journey, not only with Grace, but even when Grace has gone.
Unlike Grace, I cannot say that I am completely unafraid of death. I have had several family members and friends that have died, from the time my baby sister died to the most recent, my mother, this past year. There was Widow G who was my oldest friend when I first moved to Boston with my brother, and Joe and Mary, the neighbors east of his house who died within months of each other. Our good friend Pat's husband who died suddenly last year, as well as a few others along the way. Not counting my brother Joey, I really felt that I did well in accepting God's plan for all of them, and was able to be at peace as they rested in peace.
I love life and although I do not want to die when my time has arrived, I walk my days on earth preparing for that time. I will always have room for improvement in several area, and I will always find new ways to be more faithful, less fearful, and show kindness to others despite any differences we may have. I look at every brick in front of me on this yellow brick road as a test to how well I am accepting God in my life and the role he plays in who I am, and who I am becoming.
On this Friday night, as I sit and work with pages and pages of notes I have taken about Grace and the story she wants told when she moves on, I know this has by far been the biggest challenge for me regarding death. Not because Grace is young and innocent. Not because I have gotten access to her innermost feelings regarding friendships. Not because I will miss her. No, these are not the reasons that I feel this is my biggest challenge I am facing. I feel as if I personally am struggling with my faith and God has brought Grace and I together so that I might review my faith, and compare it to Grace's.
Faith is believing in things that cannot be proven. Faith is an extreme trust that what you feel, but cannot see, exists. Faith is hope beyond reasoning. Faith is letting go of the ones you love, not only in death, but in life as well. Faith is never questioning the past you lived, but believing in the life you still have to live. Without faith you will never love unconditionally, trust completely, grow continuously.
I believe and trust that God has placed me on the path Gracie walks, so I may increase my faith and come to the realization that I am capable of loving, as well as accept love, unconditionally, while growing spiritually.
“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”
