Today marked yet another first for me in the face of death. I went to visit with my friend Connors parents to offer my condolences in the death of their only son. Connor is the one friend I had that challenged our friendship every step of the way. We had very little in common, but it was enough to bond us in a friendship that held tight for five years. We were both 15 when we first met, after each of us landed on a pick up hockey team together. We both would turn 20 this August, had he not died last night in an unexpected twist to his evening.
The differences between who Connor was and who I am were not that far off. We both enjoyed many of the same things. Girls, hockey, video games, playing the guitar, and hanging with the boys. We both reached for excellence in the things we found important to us. We both achieved high GPA's, we both scored high on the SAT's. We both knew after high school, college was something we would need later in our lives. We both enjoyed spending time with our families and valued the friends we had and tried to be the kind of friend to them we wanted them to be to us.
What separated us from each other was how Connor lived his life and how I sheltered myself in mine. Connor lived life with no fear and no regrets. I live mine full of fear of failing and regret of not allowing myself to live the life of a normal guy my age. Connor was nothing more than a typical teenage guy who was going to experience as much as he could, as fast as he could, so when he was ready to 'settle' down all that was behind him. I am nothing more than an untypical teenage guy who early on in his life set goals and avoided anything that might hinder those goals or cost me the chance to achieve them.
Among our friends parents, Connor was the bad kid and I was the good kid. Connor was the trouble maker, and I was the peace maker. Connor was the kid the parents did not want you hanging around and I was the kid every mother loved. Most of Connors friends parents did not know their kids were still hanging with Connor. My dad did know and did not really approve of it but he also knew the biggest difference between Connor and myself was that while Connor took risks in life, I did not, therefore I would not be led into anything that may deter my future effort from meeting the goals I have set.
My dad would be the first to tell you Connor was not a bad kid, he just made poor decisions. In fact my dad would tell you that not only did he do many of the same things Connor did when he was his age, he did by far worse things. But he would also tell you that today's world is different and the slaps on the wrist when he was a teenager were now slaps on your record in today's world. Connor lived on the edge and because of that his reputation was tarnished. Most of his friends, including me, never did more than walk the line. We never crossed it, for fear of the unknown when you got caught. Connor had no fear and knew he could work things out whenever the edge lead him to slips and falls. Yesterday would be the day Connor slipped over the edge and before he could catch himself, it would be too late.
A night of alcohol and drugs would prove to be the poison that finally caught up with my friend Connor. With a great amount of certainty I can tell you that Connors last day on earth was not out of the ordinary for a Friday in Connors life. I can also tell you with a great amount of certainty that the people Connor was with were not his normal group of friends that followed him into an evening of typical teenage fun and antics. There will always be details we will never find out about Connors last day on earth. It will take weeks to find out everything we can about his final day of life. What they could tell his parents was that over 100 people were at the party Connor was at. Yet when Connor was found unresponsive there was not a single person near him that could make an effort to revive him. There were plenty of witness's that could tell you how he had been drinking for 12 hours and how for the last two hours he was seen taking pills, smoking pot, and injecting drugs into himself. They can tell you how he fell to the ground, laying on his back, convulsing with his eyes rolling back so far you could only see the whites of his eyeballs. What none of them could tell you is this kids name was Connor and he was only 19.
Connors dad told me that at 3:30am they received a phone call from the PD, informing them that their son had OD'd and was in the ER. They had given him CPR and he was being treated for overdosing on alcohol and unknown drugs at this time. By the time they had arrived at the ER, Connor was gone. He had died alone, no friends standing by him, no family even aware that the last time they had seen him a day before would be the last memory they had of him. I received the text from Connors older sister this morning, telling me Connor was gone, that he had slipped out of his fearless life, doing what he did best ... trying to beat the odds. Today when I went to see Connors family I saw his mom, who was forever apologizing to others for Connors behavior, and his dad, who never apologized for who Connor was but often would say to Connor, why can you not be more like your friends? I saw his sisters, one older, one younger, who loved their brother deep and who he loved back even deeper. A family of five, suddenly a family of four who would have to learn to survive without the boy who completed their family unit.
What do you tell a grieving family who just experienced the unexpected loss of a son? What could possibly comfort them after the way his life tragically ended? The words were not in me to speak. I excused myself and went to sit in Connors room to get close to the friend that would never sleep in his bed again. I sat on that bed and tried to absorb as much as I could about our friendship over the past 5 years. His skates and his sticks leaned against the wall which brought back memories of the day we met. His Hab's sweater hung over a chair in front of his desk. His cowboy kicks and brim lid sat on the floor, reminding me of his country music roots. This room was everything Connor was. From the smokes on his dresser to the guitar hanging on the wall. A 12x14 room that represented the life he lived. Not the bad boy trouble maker reputation so many thought of him as. Not the law breaking teenager mothers feared their kids hanging around. Not the kid who had no fears and no regrets.
This was Connors life and it hardly seemed possible that he no longer had a life to live. This room was still very much Connor to me. I would need to come to grips with the fact that never again would I skate with him. Or sing with him. Or throw a football with him. No more arguments between us. No more hugs when one of made a goal in a game we both loved. No more texts telling me it was time to stroll through the park and roll bums and preach to hookers. I was feeling like the small edge I got on when I was with Connor was gone. No more preaching to him what alcohol and drugs could do to a life and no more lectures from him to me about living a little, pushing the envelope, losing some fear.
There would be no peace of mind walking out of Connors life for me today. A life you never expect to lose, a friend you can't ever imagine never walking by your side again. A sadness would walk out of this house with me today that I would never be able to explain. I got up to go speak to his family and as I was headed out of his room I noticed a card I had given Connor on his last birthday pinned to a board by his desk. On the outside of the card there was a guy dressed as a devil and next to him was a guy dressed as an angel. I remember picking out that card because it represented the differences that others saw in us. When you opened the card there were two male strippers dressed identical to each other. Written on the inside was "They only judge what they see on the outside, and they miss what they fail to see on the inside." It was a joke between us many times because like I said, Connor and I were more alike than others would ever know. I grabbed the card and went to find his family. I asked their permission to take and keep that card as a tribute to the friendship we shared. They were happy to let me.
I hugged each of his family members and held a little tighter hugging his mom. No words were spoken, because what do you say to the family of someone who just lost a son, a brother, a friend? Looking in the faces of the four people that loved him more than any others I saw confusion, fear, sadness and sorrow. In a few days there would be anger and blame. I know the process all to well and I wish no one ever had to go through the grieving process ever again. I offered myself to anything they might need from me, anyway I could help, they just needed to let me know. One more I was sorry for this loss of life and I would exit Connors home one last time. I would make my final respects when details of his services emerge. Until then, I walk away with a whole new sadness in my heart for the journey that ended for my friend.
"Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live." Christopher Moore
The differences between who Connor was and who I am were not that far off. We both enjoyed many of the same things. Girls, hockey, video games, playing the guitar, and hanging with the boys. We both reached for excellence in the things we found important to us. We both achieved high GPA's, we both scored high on the SAT's. We both knew after high school, college was something we would need later in our lives. We both enjoyed spending time with our families and valued the friends we had and tried to be the kind of friend to them we wanted them to be to us.
What separated us from each other was how Connor lived his life and how I sheltered myself in mine. Connor lived life with no fear and no regrets. I live mine full of fear of failing and regret of not allowing myself to live the life of a normal guy my age. Connor was nothing more than a typical teenage guy who was going to experience as much as he could, as fast as he could, so when he was ready to 'settle' down all that was behind him. I am nothing more than an untypical teenage guy who early on in his life set goals and avoided anything that might hinder those goals or cost me the chance to achieve them.
Among our friends parents, Connor was the bad kid and I was the good kid. Connor was the trouble maker, and I was the peace maker. Connor was the kid the parents did not want you hanging around and I was the kid every mother loved. Most of Connors friends parents did not know their kids were still hanging with Connor. My dad did know and did not really approve of it but he also knew the biggest difference between Connor and myself was that while Connor took risks in life, I did not, therefore I would not be led into anything that may deter my future effort from meeting the goals I have set.
My dad would be the first to tell you Connor was not a bad kid, he just made poor decisions. In fact my dad would tell you that not only did he do many of the same things Connor did when he was his age, he did by far worse things. But he would also tell you that today's world is different and the slaps on the wrist when he was a teenager were now slaps on your record in today's world. Connor lived on the edge and because of that his reputation was tarnished. Most of his friends, including me, never did more than walk the line. We never crossed it, for fear of the unknown when you got caught. Connor had no fear and knew he could work things out whenever the edge lead him to slips and falls. Yesterday would be the day Connor slipped over the edge and before he could catch himself, it would be too late.
A night of alcohol and drugs would prove to be the poison that finally caught up with my friend Connor. With a great amount of certainty I can tell you that Connors last day on earth was not out of the ordinary for a Friday in Connors life. I can also tell you with a great amount of certainty that the people Connor was with were not his normal group of friends that followed him into an evening of typical teenage fun and antics. There will always be details we will never find out about Connors last day on earth. It will take weeks to find out everything we can about his final day of life. What they could tell his parents was that over 100 people were at the party Connor was at. Yet when Connor was found unresponsive there was not a single person near him that could make an effort to revive him. There were plenty of witness's that could tell you how he had been drinking for 12 hours and how for the last two hours he was seen taking pills, smoking pot, and injecting drugs into himself. They can tell you how he fell to the ground, laying on his back, convulsing with his eyes rolling back so far you could only see the whites of his eyeballs. What none of them could tell you is this kids name was Connor and he was only 19.
Connors dad told me that at 3:30am they received a phone call from the PD, informing them that their son had OD'd and was in the ER. They had given him CPR and he was being treated for overdosing on alcohol and unknown drugs at this time. By the time they had arrived at the ER, Connor was gone. He had died alone, no friends standing by him, no family even aware that the last time they had seen him a day before would be the last memory they had of him. I received the text from Connors older sister this morning, telling me Connor was gone, that he had slipped out of his fearless life, doing what he did best ... trying to beat the odds. Today when I went to see Connors family I saw his mom, who was forever apologizing to others for Connors behavior, and his dad, who never apologized for who Connor was but often would say to Connor, why can you not be more like your friends? I saw his sisters, one older, one younger, who loved their brother deep and who he loved back even deeper. A family of five, suddenly a family of four who would have to learn to survive without the boy who completed their family unit.
What do you tell a grieving family who just experienced the unexpected loss of a son? What could possibly comfort them after the way his life tragically ended? The words were not in me to speak. I excused myself and went to sit in Connors room to get close to the friend that would never sleep in his bed again. I sat on that bed and tried to absorb as much as I could about our friendship over the past 5 years. His skates and his sticks leaned against the wall which brought back memories of the day we met. His Hab's sweater hung over a chair in front of his desk. His cowboy kicks and brim lid sat on the floor, reminding me of his country music roots. This room was everything Connor was. From the smokes on his dresser to the guitar hanging on the wall. A 12x14 room that represented the life he lived. Not the bad boy trouble maker reputation so many thought of him as. Not the law breaking teenager mothers feared their kids hanging around. Not the kid who had no fears and no regrets.
This was Connors life and it hardly seemed possible that he no longer had a life to live. This room was still very much Connor to me. I would need to come to grips with the fact that never again would I skate with him. Or sing with him. Or throw a football with him. No more arguments between us. No more hugs when one of made a goal in a game we both loved. No more texts telling me it was time to stroll through the park and roll bums and preach to hookers. I was feeling like the small edge I got on when I was with Connor was gone. No more preaching to him what alcohol and drugs could do to a life and no more lectures from him to me about living a little, pushing the envelope, losing some fear.
There would be no peace of mind walking out of Connors life for me today. A life you never expect to lose, a friend you can't ever imagine never walking by your side again. A sadness would walk out of this house with me today that I would never be able to explain. I got up to go speak to his family and as I was headed out of his room I noticed a card I had given Connor on his last birthday pinned to a board by his desk. On the outside of the card there was a guy dressed as a devil and next to him was a guy dressed as an angel. I remember picking out that card because it represented the differences that others saw in us. When you opened the card there were two male strippers dressed identical to each other. Written on the inside was "They only judge what they see on the outside, and they miss what they fail to see on the inside." It was a joke between us many times because like I said, Connor and I were more alike than others would ever know. I grabbed the card and went to find his family. I asked their permission to take and keep that card as a tribute to the friendship we shared. They were happy to let me.
I hugged each of his family members and held a little tighter hugging his mom. No words were spoken, because what do you say to the family of someone who just lost a son, a brother, a friend? Looking in the faces of the four people that loved him more than any others I saw confusion, fear, sadness and sorrow. In a few days there would be anger and blame. I know the process all to well and I wish no one ever had to go through the grieving process ever again. I offered myself to anything they might need from me, anyway I could help, they just needed to let me know. One more I was sorry for this loss of life and I would exit Connors home one last time. I would make my final respects when details of his services emerge. Until then, I walk away with a whole new sadness in my heart for the journey that ended for my friend.
"Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live." Christopher Moore
