It shouldn't surprise me by now that just as it seems everything is going real nice and smooth and the calm has set in that there is sure to be a storm strong enough to wash it all away. Usually all it takes is a shadow from the past catching up with me. It's not as if I never get angry, or as if I never have a dream crushed. But as always, I will bounce back once I get things put into perspective.
Today has been one of those day for me. It started last night when I received a letter from my 'dad' who is currently locked away in a state prison for crimes he committed against innocent people. It is the second letter I received from him since my mom died and the third since he was put away for probably what will be the remainder of his life. I don't remember the last time I spoke to him or even have seen him. He is nothing but a distant memory to me and not a good one that that. I have not opened any of the three letters and although I have no intentions in reading them, I still hang on to them.
I cannot even explain why and if I did, the reasoning would not make any more sense then me even keeping them in a safe place. Dr. Pat (my weekly therapist doctor) tried to reason with me that I may be holding onto them so one day I may be able to forgive him for the wrongs he has done. I cannot imagine ever forgiving him for anything with little to no desire to even ever speak to him or see him for any reason. I am satisfied with the work I have done to move forward in acknowledging to myself that I am not responsible for the physical, mental, or emotional abuse he inflicted upon me or my brothers and mom.
So why hang on to these letters? Why not read them? It is not out of fear of what they may contain. There is nothing he can say to me that will change how I feel about my past, the childhood I never had between the ages of seven and fourteen. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever forgiven himself but I quickly turn back that thought for if he has, shame on him. If he was ever going to forgive himself and learn from his evil doings, it should have been after the first time he ever laid a hand on me or any of us. It's not like I ever heard him say he was sorry and there were many opportunities to do so.
I hate when I let him do this to me. When I let him get into my head and then I try to sort out a past that cannot be changed and I refuse to forgive. A past that I cannot seem to forget and continues to teach me new things about God and Faith and Trust and Love and mostly about myself. I do have faith in God and I do trust his plan for all of eternity. I love the people I am surrounded by, all the friends, family, and those I cross paths with. My lack of faith is not even with my 'dad'. Nor is my trust. I lost no love when I discovered he had none to offer me anyway.
Where is the weakness in my faith and trust? It is inside of me. That may surprise some of you who have followed this blog site since the birth of it. I consider myself very spiritual and I work on building my faith consistently. I trust God has a plan for me and that the things he sets in front of me are not to test my faith in him, but to help me grow the faith I lack in myself. I do not trust that I am were I need to be at any given point in my journey on earth. I can always be better, I can always do more, I can always try harder.
I am way over the point in my life that I can keep blaming my 'dad' for how I think and how I grow. As I learn this about myself it becomes much harder to accept in myself the things I want to change the most, as they really are the hardest things to change. I do not want to hate my 'dad' but I am not ready to forgive him. I want to keep blaming him for all the wrongs in my life that I cannot right, but I know those days are long gone and I am who I am because it is what I have become.
I fear that someday I will become the animal he was and I will end my journey on earth as he has, a life behind bars. That may seem non-sense to most of you that I think like that but I hear so many times from family members how much I look like my 'dad' and how my characteristics mimic his. The way I walk, the way I talk, my crooked little smile, the spark in my eyes. If I can so easily be compared to him from the outside, what is there about him that was left on the inside? I know I should trust that I am not like him and I should have faith that I am a good person and I would never harm anyone, but it is a nightmare that I relive on nights like I had last night. That letter left unopened, stuffed inside a safe place, all together unopened, unread.
Sometimes its hard for even me to put into words how I am feeling. This morning, after another night of no sleep because shadows found me no matter how tight I closed my eyes, I heard a song by Carrie Underwood called "Blown Away". I do not usually listen to CU, not that I do not feel she is a great song writer, I just never really got into her scene. Even when she married a hockey player by the name of Fisher I was not interested in downloading her on my Ipod. The words shattered my somewhat ready to get over it mood and I was anxious to get off work today to look up the lyrics and YouTube it to get a better feel of this song. I found it somewhat expressed how I feel about my house back in Sioux City IA on Bushnell where I endured seven years of tormenting abuse at the hands of my 'dad'. I bet this song is true for a lot of people in today world and I really thought the lyrics did a beautiful job of how I really wish a storm could come and take away the past that will not let me out of its grip.
The man I call my dad today has been more of a father figure to me then my 'dad'. He keeps me on the straight and narrow. He is tough on me when I need him to be. He allows me to make mistakes. He accepts all of me, not just the sunny side, but the dark side as well. So this I will say to the 'dad' that tries to creep back into my life ... thank you, because of you and your wicked ways I get a dad who loves me and respects me as a human being and helps me grow. I hope to be just like him some day, because he didn't have to be on a birth certificate to be a dad. He does it with his heart, and he does a great job walking beside me on my journey on earth. I couldn't ask for a better man to guide me through the rest of my earth life.
Carrie Underwood (Blown Away)Dry lightning cracks across the skies
Those storm clouds gather in her eyes
Daddy was a mean ole mister
Mama was an angel in the ground
The weather man called for a twister
She prayed blow it down
There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past
Shatter every window till it’s all blown away
Every brick, every board, every slamming door flown away
Till there’s nothing left standing, nothing left to yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away
Blown away
She heard those sirens screaming out
Her daddy laid there passed out on the couch
She locked herself in the cellar
Listened to the screaming of the wind
Some people called it taking shelter
She called it sweet revenge
Shatter every window till it’s all blown away
Every brick, every board, every slamming door flown away
Till there’s nothing left standing, nothing left to yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away
Blown away
There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past
Shatter every window till it’s all blown away
Every brick, every board, every slamming door flown away
Till there’s nothing left standing, nothing left to yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away
Blown away, blown away, blown away, blown away
Blown away
